"Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me. 'Cos i'd already know."

- Extreme, "More than Words"

i got a nice treat when SE and Ja came over to serenade us in the Booth with Extreme's "More than Words". and no one could stop them 'cos they were doing it on their own accord. plus, their backs were facing the rest of the room. i adore the boys. i really do.

i know that "words" rank high on my language of love. but let's just say that someone reminded me tonight that sometimes, you really need more than words. ^-^

nearing the end of the first month of the first year. i'm still wondering where this year is going to take me to. the vacations are somewhat planned. the bags are awaiting to be packed. wanderlust still seizes my heart as i wonder when i'm going to find myself resting on a foreign bed with that new pillow in my arms, staring at the alien ceiling not like that of my own bedroom. then sigh at the end of each vacation as i unpack the loadful of bags, staring at familiar four walls just knowing that i've crashed back into reality again.

don't get me wrong. i do enjoy being in the land of the mythical spewing creature. but i adore tripping out of it to get lost in a sea of unfamiliar friendly faces, especially places where there are Nando's chicken restaurants.

that thrill of filling up the passport with multi-colored stamps has overstayed. including, that joy of picking out little soveneir pins for my decorated travelling buddy to highlight the places i've been to. perhaps it's that certain freedom from minimal commitments (like housing loans) that contributes to it, huh?

i'm done with solo trips for a while. of course i like my time alone. but for now, a few hours with a decent book and good coffee in a tiny cosy cafe to the soft strains of gentle acoustics will suffice. the rest of the time, i'll probably be going insane with different people, in strange places striking stranger poses.

for now at least. but i can count on that solo instinct to pack up one day and head out again with me, myself and i. someday. not yet. someday. it's really not as bad or as scary as most people think. in fact, it's incredibly liberating. to be able to make a complete mess of your room and know that it's not going to bother anyone near enough to annoy you with their nagging.

First up, i'm returning to home on bintan for my yearly audit. visit one in march! i can't wait. Back to the dreamy beach acoustics, a good book, fantastic sun and a cold drink. Sigh.

Perfect girl

Step back, let go

You can watch as i crumble in front of you

Take heed, it's me

It's ok to see me crash and burn like any of them

Wake up, eyes open

Come back down to this worldly reality

Hold on, why worry

This is not me going thru temporary insanity

i'm not that girl you think i am

i'm not as strong as i seem

don't speak of me the way you do

i'm not all you make me out to be

i'm no angel, i hope you'll see

i'm not perfect

Breathe out, breathe in

I never promised the world that I would not cry

Hoping, I know

Don't deny me the moments that I fall to my knees

i hurt, i bleed

You cannot ignore the scars that are sketched into me

Eyes shut but you'll see

i am as perfect as the imperfections in me

i'm not that girl you think i am

i'm not as strong as i seem

don't speak of me the way you do

i'm not all you make me out to be

i'm not your angel, i hope you'll see

i'm not that perfect girl

that you think me to be

- SK, Jan 2009

i don't know. somehow, i get the slight inkling that there are people who think a little too well of me. i'm really not as amazing as some people think me to be. those little things i do and say? those times i sat with "you" (i really don't know how many "you's" there are) late at night just to help you work out your walk even though i'm obviously craving my bed at 2.30 a.m because I've a morning class in 6 hours?

i don't want people to think too much about what i do. the actions i take. the words i say. i don't want people to think that they owe me anything. 'cos they don't. i don't want people to think i want anything from them. 'cos i don't.

I've been pondering about that for the past few nights to the tunes of Brian's "Welcome Home" album. Then one of the choruses struck me.

Welcome home, you

I know you by name

How do you do

I shine because of you today

So come here sit down

Tell Me how you are

I know, son, it's good just to see your face

- Brian Littrell "Welcome Home (You)"

that's all i want. that's all i need. that at the end of my road when i come face to face with Him and cry, "my Lord," and He'll look at me and tell me that He knows my name. that He'll look at me and tell me He's watched my victories. that He's seen my failures. and He'll call me to His side and tell me that it's all over. that i'm home.

i've given up wondering why my kind deeds seem to not be reciprocated. why sometimes my service seems one-sided. 'cos everyone will feel that way at one point of time. and Heaven forbid that i do things only because i expect something in return.

to the "you" that i mentioned earlier. i don't expect "you" to stay up 'til 2.30 am with me while i discuss BT or cry. i don't expect "you" to listen to me whenever i need a listening ear. if i could ask for one thing, it wld be that "you" will always remember my service to "you" and know that whenever "you" need that service again, come to me. let me serve "you", my brother/sister.

it's been one helluva a month.

china was alright. not terribly exciting except for the weather which i adored to bits. Beijing was freezing so by the time i hit shanghai, it wasn't horribly cold. it was actually bearable. i do like Beijing a lot better. it's richer in history as compared to shanghai and there were less people around, which meant less pushing and shoving and definitely less smelly.

it's true. people there don't bathe everyday. urgh....

it was nice. to get away and catch up on all that sleep. yes, i slept on the bus all the time. apparantly, my head once hit the window so hard that i startled my younger sister who was sitting behind me. yet, i slept through it. in my brother's words, i went 'slack-jawed for a while' and he thought i might have passed out.

back in singapore, my liver is absolutely hating me from all the parties. i'm a little worn out and sick now. need.. rest...

too many "moments" in the morning. too many times.

i'm tired. the timing of the break cldn't be better. i think. i'll probably miss R's last day at Howl while making out with winter in China. but the time away to take in stress from the family is better than work stress and stress from myself.

just wanna drown myself in music and shut out the world around me. don't need offers of hugs. don't need offers of gobstoppers or assasinations just to make me feel better.

i've got Him. what more can i ask for? ok, fine, ODing on Under Pressure and Ice Ice Baby back to back makes me think of.. nvm. sigh.

suddenly taiwan next year end doesn't sound very tempting anymore. wanna take a trip back to SF. or head over to chicago instead. and pop by the city of Jazz (Kansas City, here i come!).

yes, i'm already discussing hol plans with mouse. beg of may, we'll hit ozzie land and late nov, we're going to US. i just wanna get away even though my flight to the land of peking duck and xiao long baos is just 2 days away. i.. sigh. just having another moment i guess. i need to stop ODing on those two songs. they make me almost sad.

finally updated the stog. but i know a lot of people don't actually go there.. so here's what i updated on there:

Hush

Do you know the Lord that I know?

He's the one who hears you cry

He's the one who watches when you crash and burn

He's the one who lets you fail

He's the one who hears you pray

He's the one that after all is said and done,

Picks you up and holds you His arms

And say,

Hush, my child, get up once more

The world is watching, the world will fall

Things will come and things will go

But I've never left you through it all

Though you falter, though you bleed

Through all your suffering, you will see

I am in control, I've got it all planned

Just see all I've fulfilled, so trust in Me

Do you know the Lord that I know?

He's the one who gives sight

He's the one who healed the sick with His touch

He's the one who drank the cup

The one who bleed at Calvary

The one who lived again that the world may know

That those who love Him may hear Him say

Hush, my child, get up once more
The world is watching, the world will fall
Things will come and things will go
But I've never left you through it all
Though you falter, though you bleed
Through all your suffering, you will see
I am in control, I've got it all planned
Just see all I've fulfilled, so trust in Me

- SK (c)

ok, updates on the piano tuning.. it was a failure. my strings are all rusty so Nair told me to forget the piano and just buy a new one.

so number one on my shopping list is a keyboard. i really shldn't be spending anymore money. so after my spree at F21, it's no more shopping until for christmas which i'm getting a head start on this year. the shoes and bags will have to wait 'til i hit the lovely city of shanghai.

ok, i need to get my walking shoes too. i'm not going to let my toes freeze in the canvas sneakers in china. you kidding me? i refuse to fall sick when i shld be enjoying the winter.

to my girls, no more shopping trips. let's go to marmalade pantry or canele for cakes and tea!! i seriously miss all that. :P

*****
random note of the day: lovin' billy joel right now. damn, i adore my ah pa and his incredible taste in music.

i hate it when Straits Times gives away my secrets. so i'm gonna screech now..

LEAVE HATM ALONE! IT'S MINE!

i don't quite care that the band always ask the crowd to tell their friends abt the place. it's mine! ok, i do tell my friends. but i'm selfish that way. it's my place!!

drinks are NOT good. the electric chair i was subjected to? sweet. since when did vodka shots become sweet? the only decent drinks are the beers. but the atmosphere. everyone sings along. everyone claps along. everyone dances with the band. not gyrating dumb-ass i-too-cool dance. it's the bird-in-the-egg-in-the-nest-on-the-leaf-on-the-twing-on-the-branch-on-the-tree-in-the-woods-in-a-hole-and-the-green-grass-grows-all-around.

and i love the band. i don't wanna share them. so what if jamie is an idiot? i forgive him 'cos he's just so darn incredibly talented. the last i wrote about him, i said, "of course, it helped that Jamie was absolutely charming and plays damn a lot of instruments: piano, guitar (electric/acoustic/bass), drums, keyboard, saxaphone, trumpet, clarinet. ok fine, the recorder too. with his nose!"

add harmonica to it. and i love him as lead on the acapella of "For the Longest Time". he did "Don't Stop Believing" for me despite having played "Open Arms" just a few minutes ago. i didn't even ask for the song. i just said, "Journey". the dude knows how to make me happy. he did "Faithfully" later and smiled at me.

it's not just Jamie. i love Amy. i love Scott. i love Randy. i love Jevon.

Jevon is an absolute sweetheart despite dedicating a verse of the kitty song to me. he helped make Ah Pa's birthday a blast. he gave Foo 2 free beers on his birthday. he was such a sweetie during his breaks when i bumped into him. and that return salute from him on stage even though i was among the crowds? *grin*

HATM, thank you for making another bud's birthday a blast. Guns and Roses' "Sweet Child of Mine"? Rage against the Machine's "Killing in the name" without the key-tair but Jamie slaying everyone on the guitar?? Absolute rocking. i love ya all!

P.S: if you're just gonna sit there and be embarrassed about singing out loud, cheering and dancing to "joy to the world", HATM is not your place. it's my place, with my B's, S's and W's. :)

weird moments in the office are a norm. we always try to get past them eventually but some moments just trail off to god-knows-what. i'm still quite amused.

D: Yeap.... u can buy me the next time!!!
Me: erm
Me: i dun wanna buy yooouuuuu
D: Haha... u can't afford my charge-out rate! hahahaaha......
Me: it's ok.
Me: i don't wan...........
D: hahah... then whose u prefer? haha....i can recommend...
Me: i dun waaannnnnt
D: haha... sound like a small gal being traumatized!
Me: i'm feeling a bit traumatized..

yar. the wonders of silent communication in office. periods galore. and believe it or not, this was sparked off by a trip to starbucks. after that, our specks of conversation somehow linked back to charge-out rates and the cousins.

ah well.. getting past the moment. :P

During Dec 2001, Ally McBeal had a christmas episode. the town mayor decided to do away with the usual christmas parade as he felt that it was not apt, given the grief of the nation just abt 3 months ago.

John Cage brought a case against the mayor and fought for the parade and rallied the people. some were adamant for they felt the same way as the mayor. then John said, "It's not a year for skipping Christmas."

and he was right. they went ahead with the christmas parade. i bawled my eyes down as i watched the firemen and police who prob had a part at ground zero march past the people holding up candles, remembering the lives lost.

christmas decor is up early this year in Singapore. some say it's the retailers' way of getting people to spend and indulge in retail therapy before the slump hits us hard.. pumping money into the income cycle of the local economy.. i guess that's true.

but a little naive part of me believes that someone somewhere wanted to just remind people that you need Christmas because it's just a festival of joy.. it's possibly even bigger than our independance day.

surely a day to remember the greatest gift of all that brings joy and hope in the midst of uncertainty and despair is what we need now. a simple reminder to all believers that all this will pass away away, the good and the bad. but one thing is eternal: the relationship with our God. one thing is true: the love of our Father. one thing is certain: He'll come back and call us to Him and we'll be in that place once again.

Peace on earth and mercy mild, God and sinners reconcile.

51 days to go and counting. Yet Lord i pray, help me to always remember You, christmas or not, of what You've done and the promises You have given me to get through the darkest of dark and brightest of bright all my days.

who knew that this weekend would have been so fantastic?


birthday drinks with Dan and the crew at the new "Howl at the Moon" with the amazing band. of course, it helped that Jamie was absolutely charming and plays damn a lot of instruments: piano, guitar (electric/acoustic/bass), drums, keyboard, saxaphone, trumpet, clarinet. ok fine, the recorder too. with his nose!

anyhoo, we had crazy fun, laughing, singing along and letting the band entertain us as we entertained them as well. let's just say that i like it when the band engages me in subtle ways, be it a wink, funny gestures or just a knowing smile.

saturday night, i met with the dbters. let's just say we all had achy stomachs by the 3rd round of 3 Kings of little men and giants. had a chance to catch up with old friends and just chat.. of course.

sunday night, it was out at Z's place with the crazy gym staff again, all decked out. with J mixing the drinks as usual, him hi-5ing me 'cos we're both equally awesome people with regards to drinks. plus all the food and all. nice.

thankiew for the memories and for the week well-rested. thank you. :)

it's the case of the itchy feet... that despite the nauseaus sensation welling up in the pits of the stomach (which is finally gone!!) and the giddiness (still there..) since saturday, i still wanna be doing things on my feet.

i've got gym on my mind.

i finally went back last night. did the usual strength set of 3x15 circuit. next time round, i'm going back to fatigue training. much faster. more efficient. i will go back to the days of benching 30 kg with dumbbells, not barbell, mind you. back to the days of doing reverse crunches for a minute without feeling like i'm gonna die.

it's not a girl power thing. sure, i used to get a kick out of watching the guys stare at me when i deadlift with 38 kg or shoulder press 15kg in total. not that guys can't do it. just that a lot of girls can't. fine, i get all the ribbing like, "you can do more pull-ups than me!!" (i cld do two at my peak). but the guys know that they don't mess with me. lol

i've got travel on my mind.

just so i can be caught up in a whirlwird romance of falling in love with a new country. or falling back in love with an "old flame". to lose my way in the hills or quiet streets and find a treasure trove of yummilicious pancakes and caramelized bananas swimming in golden maple syrup.

yes, i still miss pancake parlor. a lot. i just have no mood to make my own pancakes and caramelize the bananas when i'm just concentrating on waking up.

i've got dance on my mind.

be it waltzing across the dance floor or side stepping to the infectious cha-cha beats. even gliding to rumba notes or just plain boogie-ing to the dj. i miss all the quick steps and spinning and the slow deliberate shift of weight.

i wanna let the music wash over me once more, to let that knowing gentleman lead, protect and guide me across the floor. or just dancing the night away with my friends, forgetting all the crazy stuff that surrounds us in the world.



oh dear feet, when will you stop itching?
**
random note of the day: i finally cut my hair! it's a lot lighter now. William never fails to be astounded by my crazy ass hair. :P

i miss this.

i miss sitting in starbucks, doing my work, then occasionally looking up to watch the world go round outside the glass panes trapping the air-conditioning on a crazy hot sunday morning. it's just a 1.5 hour break in between the crazy housewhole chores while the younger bro has his tuition nearby.

soft strands of jazz music float around lazily while the scent of fresh roasted coffee beans being ground to espresso diffuses the air, accompanied by the blueberry muffin or cinnamon croissant from the oven. i find the sound of the espresso churning and the milk steaming to be really comforting. familiar sounds.. ah. nostalgia. from the corner of my eye, i see a stranger share a space at the sofa with another stranger.

replace the work with a good book and i'd be in seventh heaven. but as the macchiato finally drains from the bitter espresso to the sweet latte at the bottom, i'm shaken back to reality that life isn't all peaches and cream.

time to go stationery shopping. so i can finish up my work in the afternoon at home after more housework. sigh.

bye, starbucks on a lazy sunday late morning early noon. may we meet again.