Dreams

ser was sharing a nightmare she had with me the other day.. one of those hilarious and scary ones. then, she brought up another question.. asked abt recurring dreams. i have had a few.. normally horror ones.. that leave me waking up in cold sweat. but they have stopped due to me finally finding a way out of the horror place. only one of the recurring dreams which i feel most about ain't a nightmare. and this one stopped in the most upsetting way.

it's set at a beach resort. it's normally dark and stormy at night with blackouts but in the day, it's beautiful and ever-so peaceful.. a place where i can go fishing and just chill out. then i've got 2 friends in my dreams. ed and jon. jon's got a gf whom i've never seen but yar, they are my closest friends. the dreams always finish with me sitting by the sea.

my last dream was really bad. it started off the same, pops driving the family to the resort. but as the dream wore on, i had a big fight with edward. it was 'cos i felt that he didn't appreciate the things i did for him as a friend. for me always accomodating him and he never doing that for me. and i hit him. i cried so hard in the dream and the pain was just so raw while the frost of the air stung my cheeks. at the end of it, i was alone with mom. despite the gorgeous surroundings of auroras around in early morning sky while i sat on the snow-covered ground. the dream had never ended that way. and i was really sad. almost as though i knew it was to end. then when i woke, i had a feeling i would never see that place again, i would never laugh with jon or talk with edward. and i cried again when i woke. it was hard.. really. letting go of smth so close to my heart.

a hint that i would be single for the rest of my life? i had a few dreams which revolved 'round this guy. i've never seen him before but it's kinda like what darren hayes sang, "i knew i loved you before i met you." and u know what? the first dream i had abt him was that he died. the following dreams were nicer.. but he died in the first one.

i need to stop getting affected so badly. maybe i'm really meant to be alone. i think i'm pretty sadistic towards myself. still trying to pick up the glass shards, still cutting cut myself only to drop the piece, shattering it further. i keep trying to harden that stubborn heart but it doesn't always listen. now it's hiding in the corner, not even wanting me to touch it. my head's telling me to sit down by the pieces and do no more. i'll wait until God mends it for me. i wished my heart was less strong willed on the outside and weak inside!

i was born a dreamer and will always be a dreamer. asking me to suppress the dreaming me is asking me to not breathe. i wonder if God sees that girl crying in my again, the bloodied hands with reopened scars, older than i can remember them to be. she's crying 'cos she's so tired of false hopes. i guess i'm created to relate and to be alone. i think i might go crazy soon. wonder if God's crazy and seemingly contradictory plan is for me to remain single for the rest of my life or to appreciate His gift to me in the future. for now, let it be the former. let the shattered pieces mend, that my heart be whole again like it was when i was born, like it was to be... no longer the way it was once i knew what emotions were. perhaps... perhaps a world without love will really be a world without pain. Just hoping...

stupid. just realized i'm listening to solitaire.