i haven't felt this way for such a long time.. disappointment with myself.. wondering what's happened to me.. such a whacking to what i thought i knew..

conviction without confession.. it really hit home hard. i already knew the example that james wld be giving. perhaps.. perhaps i'm not as mature as i thought i was. perhaps i'm not as strong a christian as i thought i was..

my understanding has not wavered... my faith in the fact that Jesus is my Lord is not lost.. but my full reliance on Him has been challenged in something i had been avoiding. for too long. but.. i can't seem to pull myself out of sinking sand..

it's so easy to say that i'm a christian.. so easy to say that i'll give you everything i have. because i know that it's not enough. so easy to say that there's nothing in this world that i can lay claim to.. so easy to say that i can do nothing righteous that You have not done. so easy to say that i will lay down at Your feet the one thing You seek most from me.. to say that i will serve You with my entire life. 24/7/365.

yet i dread the disappointment. i dread the thought of being cast out.. i don't know if it's gonna happen. i don't know how it's gonna happen. i don't know when it'll happen.

i'm scared. i'm scared of the reaction.. i'm scared of what that's uncertain. i'm scared 'cos i don't know how to rely on You completely. i'm scared that i'm more worried abt disappointing them than disappointing You.

i want to give all of my life. there's nothing more i want right now. why this timidness? is it a timing thing? responsibility? or just lack of faith and assurance in the mere fact that He's my Lord and God on my part?

i know that You're perfect
i know You're so divine
You want to bring me back to You
despite that when i was so blind
i know of Your mercy
i know of Your love so kind
When You chose to stay on the cross
for that punishment that should be mine

Yet i pushed You away from my everday
Yet i chose to live my own life
Now humbly, i come to You in fervant awe
in my emptiness, i remember You're all i need

Forgive me, Lord, i ask and pray
Next to You is where i want to stay
Rescue me, Lord, from sinking sand
That i may carry my cross to my life's end
my heart is broken and my spirit weak
my life is scarred with human sin
There's nothing i need, nothing more to do
Lord, i'm here, crawling back to You.

i know You're my Savior
i know You're my King
All that You've promised will come
in time, that's what You'll bring
i know You're my shepherd
My final blood sacrifice
And i can't thank You enough today
that You alone can suffice

I have yet to truly understand
the fullness of Your plan
at times when i think i'm not playing a part
i'll do nothing more but to trust Your heart

Forgive me, Lord, i ask and pray
Next to You is where i want to stay
Rescue me, Lord, from sinking sand
That i may carry my cross to my life's end
my heart is broken and my spirit weak
my life is scarred with human sin
There's nothing i need, nothing more to do
Lord, i'm here, crawling back to You.