espressos should come in a drip. something that i can IV into myself and get it to my bloodstreams. i foresee that buying a short latte with double shot espresso from my good friend every morning will leave me, well, rather broke. money pumped into the sweet smelling arabica beans sounds ideal in the short run but my nervous system and pockets would hate me for it.

perhaps it's the exhaustion from finally coming to terms with one too many things last night. the realization of really, what a shithead i am.

part of me wishes to curl up and pretend that the past 5 years never happened. that it was just a dream and that i can just go on living life the way i intended to. a life of luxury and extravagance of weekly visits to paragon, pulling my two IV drips with me: one for my failing liver, one for my espresso.

another part of me is still blowing that amber from the fire that started 5 years ago. still praying fervantly that the fire will be ignited once more and this time, more vicious than the last time. with His name on my lips and just giving thanks for each and every daily struggle and joy.

there's time to sort all that out. not much time but there's time. for now, let's just settle for coffee