during my recent session, L looked at me with a whimsical smile before she started.

"You look tired. like you slept too late. but you look brighter. happier. as if the burden has never been there on your shoulders. and you've been off your meds for almost 2 months. does this mean you no longer need to see me and I'll start missing you?"

that session was probably one of the lightest I've had since I told her I was quitting. that pure joy on her face when she told me that she was glad she didn't have to tell me to quit made me realize that people did think me worth caring about. despite my many attempts to tell her that she never heard the other side of the story, L was always there with a comforting phrase of, "No matter how bad a person is, a Christian would never give up on them."

and she never gave up on me.

when she asked me what the biggest motivator and best medication I had to deal with my depression, I smiled with a soft sigh and told her it was God. I didn't even need to tell her that God had provided her or that He had provided friends and loved ones in his wisdom and perfect timing. But the brilliant grateful smile that she had on her face said it all.

I think I've been so incredibly blessed. that since 2 years ago when the odd crying spells and worsening insomnia happened.. when the anxiety attacks that would leave me breathless and throwing up nearly every day since the mid of 2015 started... and all I did was to pray. I never told anyone the full extent of how bad it was. I didn't dare to tell anyone how bad it was. because I was just blaming me and praying for God to resolve my heart.

then God gave me that fateful text message from H the day after I had another suffocating anxiety attack in the middle of the night. He gave me the desperation to cry for help. He gave me a dear sister in G who had gone through even worse times to talk to me about seeking help. He gave me a mother with incredible contacts. He gave me L who wasn't just a psychologist but also a Christian.

I'm grateful that I never got to that state of "I didn't realize God was all I needed until He was all I had.".

I'm grateful that in little small ways, He's shown much love, care, mercy, and graciousness towards me. That He doesn't look at my offerings to the church financially and pastorally. That He doesn't look at my career achievements or popularity. That He doesn't look at the number of fb posts I make about it or Christian articles I share and the number of times I teach in church or serve or my contribution to the ministry.

But God's been so good simply because He has chosen such a fallen and wretched sinner like me to cling to the cross crying for forgiveness and doing all things in response to my salvation. He's been so good that I find my confidence not in my job progression, fb likes, social media following, applaud of colleagues or friends, cg leading, or silent behind-the-scenes ministerial work... but He's been so gracious that I find my confidence in His unfailing character and pure faithfulness to His promises.

and not just my confidence in my salvation but my confidence in myself. that I'm not first and foremost a Christian... but simply that I am a Christian.

because of it, I find myself more willing to share about my vulnerabilities... my depression.. and my cure and salvation in God alone whose merciful and gracious providence has been nothing more than a miracle in my life.


I still have questions. I still have queries about how the human brain and emotions work and how it co-exists in the realm of God. S has promised to give me the pointers of his psychological research and sit with me to talk about it. But that's really just a bonus to everything God has done and provided for me. And I honestly couldn't been happier.