From where we last left off...

The happy troopers left Magic Wok and made for Bakerzin at Raffles City in search for good desserts. When they settled down, cakes were ordered. Soon, another joined them and three more cakes were ordered. and thus begins the journey..

ok, so i'm crapping. i'm trying to make it sound pretty but obviously, it's not working. anywayz, we order a number of cakes at bakerzin. delish! forks were picked up, cakes were poked at and eaten.. and the gorgeous choc liquor. simply breath-taking.

isn't it a beauty? the fudge was so thin and rich at the same time. the cake hinted of slight liquor, leaving us stumped at the amazing sensation on our tastebuds. we were all swooning and bryan was drunk with euphoria. did i mention the juicy liquor injected berries? jingting and i were savoring it until dorcas remarked with half a berry in her mouth.

"i don't like alcohol."

we laughed and continued the cake. but it wasn't the only good stuff around.. the warm chocolate left us in anticipation.

of course bryan chose to be funny and insisted on taking shots after shots of the cake despite our complains abt the melting vanilla ice cream. once he was done, all the forks dove down for real this time. by the time everyone had their first bite, the cake looked... mutilated. but the rich thick chocolate syrup oozing out of the cake left us smiling for a while.
when we were done, dorcas declared that a group picture be taken. calling the waiter over, we wanted to stand with our backs facing the road but decided we wanted the cafe to be seen. so we turned around and jon pan stood at the entrance where the signage was. we then made our way over and the waiter snapped a shot once all the girls smiled brilliantly. then bryan wailed.

"I wasn't ready!"

after the second shot, the waiter brought out the next camera and after the flash went off, bryan wailed again.

"I wasn't ready again!"

so we took another shoot. ahahaha.. i decided that the nicest picture will go up! i had to crop the picture though.

food was good.. company was fun.. the view even better! everything just looked sooooo good that night! and jingting would of course know what i'm talking abt..

It's annoying.. i've been gettting weird comments... but i don't wanna delete the "comments" link. so i've relegated to moderating my comments and deleting nonsensical ones. and i would like a new template too.. so tempted to not study and do up a pretty template to relieve stress.. but i digress from my motive today.. revert.. revert...


at times, i really don't need that additional stress..

i don't feel terribly stressed 'cos it's been accumulating even before school started.. things that snowball really slowly are harder to detect 'cos your system just adapts to it easily. but when your prof can tell that you are stressed just by looking at you, it has to account for smth. so when prof tay pointed it out to me, i smiled back weakly. when i tell people my schedule, they think it's crazy when i run from meeting to meeting, from class to class..

and yet i don't feel it. i haven't had "moments" since the mid-week break.

"moments"?

yea. "moments" are what i call times when i have difficulty breathing. disclaimer, i do not have asthma. but there are times when i just find it hard to breathe and my whole chest constricts. after a while, the long painful deep breaths give me a throbbing headache where all i can do is to sit and close my eyes 'cos the dancing black and gray spots make me giddy. and i'm just praying for the headache and "moment" to go away. i cannot lie down 'cos it worsens the whole thing.

right now, i guess there's a really thin line between crashing and staying alive for me. i'm merely hanging by the thread and yet people threaten to cut my lifeline over and over again. when they snip it, i throw a thinner one to hoist myself up. but i'm going to run out of lifelines soon. i am going to crash and burn.

i've been to the edge and back abt twice i think... the first time, i was so stressed, i semi passed out.. then had a falling sensation. and i cldn't shake out of it. i just kept falling. when i finally shook out of it, i was lying on the bed in cold sweat. being young (i was only in primary school), i burst into tears.

the second time was in smu, during corp reporting class. there was a sudden pain in my chest and i couldn't breathe properly. my lungs tightened and i cldn't even take slow deep breaths which just made me panic. my head was giddy and i couldn't sit up straight as the pain seized my shoulders. i remember staring at jane who was pretty worried. i cldn't even take a sip of the water and my eyes were all teary.

and i've broken down once. where i sobbed until i was hiccuping away and couldn't breathe properly. my older sis was so worried 'cos she could see the vein at my temple. it was throbbing so badly that i cried even harder.. that night, i realized that there is such a thing as tearless crying. and it's an awful feeling 'cos your chest just tightens with each tearless sob.

so i really don't need additional stress. unless you're keen to see me in the hospital, then bring it on. actually, it may do me good. why don't people just knock me out permanently?

Week 12(7-11 Nov):
- BOSS (who wanna bid with moi?)
- A. Audit Presentation

Week 13(14-18 Nov):
- Spanish Quiz
- Income tax report
- FIIM report

Week 14(21-25 Nov):
- Spanish Oral Exam
- FIIM quiz

Week 15(28 Nov - 2 Dec):
- A.Audit exam
- Income tax exam
- Ethics exam

4 dec: Standard Chartered Half-Marathon

Week 16(5-9 Dec):
- First Aid course (tentative)
- Dec Camp

9-2 Dec: Bangkok Trip

17-24 Dec: Taiwan Trip (unconfirmed)




*Deep Breath*


No matter how i look at it, it still spells "Crash and Burn" in flashing neon lights framed with sparkly Christmas lights. i think i'll crash in bangkok and burn when i come back to Singapore.. to pick up the pieces of my splittered self to enjoy taiwan. if i don't go taiwan, i refuse to go to oz or anywhere in the southern half of the world or the tropics. I need to feel that freezing sensation on my cheeks once more.. to feel that cold biting wind in between my fingers so i can breathe out warm vapor on them once more... so that it truly feels like it's going to be christmas again.

My dearies, it's time to line up the Christmas, post-Christmas and pre-new year parties!

But first, the crazy sem at SMU.


*newly invented expletives*

i realized that most singaporean guys like shu nus.. definition of shu nus? fair, long hair, big eyes, mini-skirt/spag strap wearing skinny demure girls who are prone to DIDs(damsels in distress). think jolin tsai, cyndi wang, angela zhang.. i've got guy friends like that.. it used to upset me, but it took me less than a week to get over it.

while these shu nus had guys nursing crushes on them, i was the one hanging out with the guys. while the shu nus held the guys' eyes when they walked through the canteen, i was the one holding that conversation with them. kinda reminds me of three friends i had who had shu nus as gfs. and this post is actually dedicated to these guys who just made that relationship so worthwhile for whatever time it lasted for until we lost contact. =)

**
JW>
you fed me when i was hungry, literally. you gave me bread and noodles and hand-fed me that bite of your hotdog, despite the incessant jesting from your friends. what can i say? you were so incredibly sweet although it was the first day we got to know each other. you tolerated my teasing and teased me back to the point where i felt my face flush out of awkwardness. but then you charmed me back into our friendship with your show of concern, as if the teasing never happened.

you still smile at me when we see each other around. the way you attempted to get my attention was childish and never failed to make me smile inspite of myself. you were my ducky pal and my first ever earring boy. you knew i cried that day but didn't make a ho-ha out of it. instead, you reassured me, not knowing that you were one of the reasons why i cried.

ZC>
we would go home together. the bus ride home was always fun as we "exchanged" beauty tips. i liked it when you smiled at me 'cos girls were always clamouring for your attention. and you still spoke to me after i spooked you with one very regretful remark (though i don't know if you remember it anymore).

do you know that you were one of the reasons why i wanted back into that community i nearly lost? knowing that i might never have that chance to see you smile at me and to have you smile back made me cry. but you didn't know that. when you first thought that you were going to lose that community as well, you wanted to jump off taka. we spoke on the phone on my way to town. i told you not to be silly and to wait for me to watch u jump. you waited. then we laughed about it.

KY>
I enjoyed teasing you and you obviously knew it. i like how your cheeks flush each time i teased you, how they flush when you laugh.. and how you just have that nature pretty boy flush. you tried to "steal" hunky tutor from me with ur other friends but hunky chose us instead.

i miss how your name on my phone just wakes me up during boring lectures 'cos i picture your impish lopsided dimpled grin. the same one you gave me when you and jf daringly teased me, saying that you "gay boys" could handle me as well. the same one you had when jf tried to redeem himself.. and that grin you had when we spoke abt flying. then we lost touch. but you proved sincere when you remembered how to spell my name after we didn't see each other or converse. your assurance at my lowest pt back then gave me that window to dare dream.
**

i mean to keep their identities a secret. but i left enough clues that if they read this post, they would know who they are. so what's the point of this post? i guess.. it's just to record down guys whom i wasn't very close to and yet made an impact in my life during my "anti-love" stage. who says platonic r/s don't work? i'm living proof that they do. with memories like these, i'm grateful for being one of the guys and not a shu nu.

Sleep vs Luxury Car

Family vs Office with fantastic view

Home vs Travelbug & 5-star Hotels

Welcome Mat vs Red Carpet

difficult decision to make?

God vs The World

not so difficult after all, huh?

just some random thoughts that hit me during michael's lesson today. sure, i admire jer DT for working his way up the corporate ladder so quickly.. i think it's amazing that yl is in SMU, knowing that he has an office of antiques and a beautiful car in the carpark.. then michael said one thing that send me flying back to the ground.

"Everyone has to make sacrifices."

**********
The judge looked at me, anger and sadness mixed in his face. As he lifted the hammer, I closed my eyes. There was no doubt about my guilt and sins. I had turned away from what that was right to focus on the wrong things and I was without excuse. The hammer thudded dully and I looked up.

"I hereby declare you guilty."

I stood up, dreadingly pondering the verdict. The judge was correct. All evidence pointed to me as an enemy of the judge and a lawless fallen creature. I opened the small gate of the defence box to accept my punishment but then the judge spoke again.

"Son, come and take his punishment."

I watched dumbly as the son of the judge stepped forward. Wondering if I was dreaming, I could only watched as the nails were driven through the son's hands. His blood spilt onto me. My knees gave way as I watched the brutal death sentence and sacrifice. I crumbled to the ground, lowering my head. The dull thud of the hammer was heard again.

"I now declare you righteous."

What the judge said made no sense to me. My eyes stung painfully and I allowed myself to cry, looking at the blood that had touched me. After a long while, a hand in the light was in front of my face. I raised my head and saw the judge standing in front of me, with his son, well and alive, on his right.

"Come home with me, my child. Be part of me as you were supposed to be," the judge said gently, the love in his voice. I choked a sob back, not knowing what to say. Part of me longed to go home with him but part of me called me unworthy.

"Just as I live again, let your old self die and live again, my brother.. Live with us in your life," the son spoke, holding his hand out to me. There was a hole through his palm where they had driven the nail through. Placing my hand in his, I stood up. He was correct. It was time to go home and live a new life.
**********

Suddenly, it was crystal clear. I don't regret the path in life i have taken so far. if i didn't come to SMU, i wldn't be in SMUCF.. i wldn't be reading the bible and growing in understanding and maturity.. i wldn't be wanting to join a church when i graduate. i wldn't be so sure that i want to continue in my ministry and continue to serve even more when i start work, even if it means i get shit pay for reading the bible. i shldn't even be paid to study the bible. i guess that's why bible teachers still get paid. 'cos God provides for His people that when they devote a whole life of preaching His word, He sustains them nevertheless.

It's a cold dreary night...

i'n sneezing, coughing, drinking water and seeking temporary comfort in a kinder bueno. yes, cheap chocolates work for me once in a while. missing the dark flake de lait that can only be found in candy empire. $2.50. rather ex, don't u think? amount is the same as that of the $1.20 twirl.

tired this week. not feeling too well, emotionally and mentally. physically tired and ready to drop as well. and it's only week 9. i'm going to burn out soon.. if i don't turn up in school one day, please visit me at home. 'cos that will be the day where my mind gives way to the heart and decides it's time for that rest which means constant ironing of the sheets. i miss my bed a lot.

ever felt like this?

********

the stog is updated. http://rivermuse.blogspot.com/

week 8 is over. (i'm not allowed to call it a break since it didn't feel like one to any of the SMUggers.) jam-packed with meetings, meetings and meetings. ok. wasn't thaaaaaaaat bad as i thought it wld be. got to hang out with friends and clear the constantly never-fulfilled appts.

cleared the lunch appt with sen at an italian restaurant. it was fun to just sit around and chat and simply just catch up with one another. and i was grinning at the desserts. ahahaha. sugar rush from the strawberry gelatin-like thing. managed to do the oktobeerfest with dc, cy, yw and steph at paulaner's at millenia walk. dinner and drinks and i finally tried the dark lager. dt and sherina joined us earlier but they left for a party after that. our impromptu-ness and cy's flirting with the ticketing auntie at EW suntec got us watching deuce bigalow, european gigalow. my brain rotted in the cinema. not a fan of crude slapstick really. and i felt that the first one was better. less "trying-too-hard-to-be-funny".

the the amazing 6 hour ktv. muahahahaha. it was supposed to be a big grp judging from the first email. then it shrunk to cy, dom, jt and i on the day itself. after abt 3.5 hrs, dom left. i've never sung so many chinese songs in one day. it was actually fun. (cheers to jt who did an amazing "you better not come home"!) i was just drained after that.

i'm ecstatic. roy from osl called me and told me that i got that gym assistant position. $10 an hr, 4hrs each time... if i work on friday, sat and sun, it's $120 a week! and i'm in the gym! wahahaha. one of the few dream jobs that i finally fulfill (the other is working at a gelato place and getting paid in cash and gelato..) wahahaha.. and i've been receiving positive feedback on funday after it ended. even though this little party pooper spent part of it reading her income tax text and feeling miserable. the sky threatened to rain but it didn't! yay! attendance was better than i expected. at the end of it, ppl were tired but still laughing.. some throwing the disc around.. others trying to avoid jx when he held the softball bat..

this is one baton i've got to pass soon. 3 more semesters and i'm out of SMU already. fun/sportsday how? it's not a "must-do". but it's a nice break from the monotony of studying. and new friends are made each time! will need to handover.. freshies... and now that's sch's back on again, it's return to the 3.9 in the lib once more... i have no social life once again. 7 weeks.. 7 more weeks.

i've been blogging a lot over these few days... para por que, no se. haiz. (in a bid to improve my espanol i'll annoyingly speckle my posts with espanol.)

anywayz, just finished reading some of my friends' blogs.. plus had a chance this week to just sit around and catch up with some. and as usual, i get the torrent of "i'm tired of being single/attached" most of the time. haiz.

to those who are attached: hang in there, my dearies.. God chose to give u this gift.. it never was meant to be a bed of roses. sure, the courting times were fun.. that mystery.. that thrill in not knowing what you'll learn more each day.. but work it out in Christ! don't lose that passion for each other. just as God never lost that passion to reconcile us back to him, we don't lose that passion to know Him more to please Him. and we know that all our r/s are a reflection of that true r/s we have with Him. work on it together!!

to those who are single: it's also a gift from God, sweeties. i know that there are times where u feel lonely.. where u just wish that dream girl/guy wld look ur way, notice u, fall madly in love with u.. and u both will have that perfect christian r/s.. i really understand that. but take comfort that u can devote all ur time in working out that r/s with God.. one-on-one.. u still have ur family in christ who truly loves and cares for you. doesn't sound easy but it can be done. i know it. i do it all the time. take comfort in Him!

one week break is finally upon the SMUggers.. and those who do not have income tax test on wednesday rejoice. a week of pure project meetings.. ahahaha.. not much better. and i'll get down to another type of mugging.. one which involves lager, pork knuckles and bratwurst. all that for one night only. and i can finally return to sentosa! tmr morning.. hope it doesn't rain.

*****
to you: i'm sorry if things didn't turn out the way you expected them.. or hoped they wld.. i do assume responsibility for how things have turned out. i hope you will as well. i'd be lying if i said i didn't mean to do all those things i did which hurt you.. right from the time things started changing. but circumstances.. well. i believe in Him. i trust in Him. i base my decisions on Him. you have the right to be disappointed in me, i guess. wrong place, wrong time? He's in control and i believe that too firmly to the pt i'm sure u're frus with me for leaving my life in a faceless Being. but i think you shld get used to the fact that i'm still going to leave my life in His hands. therefore, my decision sticks. i'm sorry.

You did good, guys!

i'm grateful.. grateful to Him for providing ppl to contribute to tonight's event.. grateful to Him for the ppl who showed up.. grateful to Him that we even have a reason to have tonight!

the evangelistic talk's finally over. i can't really give my 2 cents worth on the talk as i missed the first part, settling the catering stuff outside. response might not be fantastic. but it feels good. just knowing that ppl actually come down to hear the good news makes me feel fantastic.. just knowing that they are sharing in the word. as to whether they believe or not, i'm leaving it to the guy up there. so i just want to make some shoutouts..

to the ushers.. jeri and gang (is it obvious that i don't know who really is in the usher team? paiseh).. to the registration and book corner ppl, sheryl, jingting, debz w, mich koh jnr, debbie.. the song team, ben, gwen, jer loo, dom, brandon, evan, rita.. the emcees, zx and fel.. and finally the exco. well done. =]

let's continue to perservere for His glory, aites? Fun day up next!

2 more day...

Highest Place
Jesus Christ, in very nature God
Did not grasp hold of His place on the throne
But took on the nature of a servant
Made Himself nothing born as a man
Being found in appearance as a man
He was obedient to death on the cross
There He died, God, the Son, the Maker
A humble servant showing the way

Therefore God exalted Him to the highest place
And gave Him the name above all names
So that at the name of Jesus
Every knee shall bow
In Heaven and on earth and under the earth
And every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord
To the glory of God the Father

***
What: God and Suffering, the great mismatch?
When: 7th Oct, 2005 (week 7 for SMU), 7pm
Where: School of Accountancy SMU, Conference Hall 2
Who: Pastor Chris Chia from ARPC

3 days more...

Knowing You, Jesus
All I once held dear, built my life upon
All this world reveres and wars to own
All I once thought gain I have counted loss
Spent and worthless now compared to this

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing
You're my all, You're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love You, Lord

Now my heart's desire is to know You more
To be found in You and known as Yours
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All surpassing gift of righteousness

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing
You're my all, You're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love You, Lord

***
What: God and Suffering, the great mismatch?
When: 7th Oct, 2005 (week 7 for SMU), 7pm
Where: School of Accountancy SMU, Conference Hall 2
Who: Pastor Chris Chia from ARPC

Love Thy Neighbor('s car)

the cars in my neighborhood are nice. oh wait. understatement of the year. the cars in my neighborhood are drop dead gorgeous. series of BMW, Mini, Lexus, Mercs, Hondas and Porsches. pretty pretty.

walking home is enjoyable and annoying at times. take today for example. i was walking past rgps when i heard an unmistakable low purr. it was an inner battle in myself to not turn back to look at it. when the purr grew louder and suddenly paused, i turned. true enough, the porsche carerra was behind me. *damn!* the driver looked at me. i half-expected her to smirk. *argh* i hate that when it happens.

and before i can get over it, a black BMW convertible passes me. i'm about to cry. these drivers know that i'm looking at the car. the shophouses and restuarants at greenwood greet me cheerily with the new orange coat that frames the shop names. all the momma vehicles (SUVs and MVPs) were out in full force. BMW X5, BMW Z4s, Lexus RX300, Honda Pilot, Honda straam, Mercedes SUV ML500. pretty cars belonging to the owners eating in Les Amis' Coq & Bull or Sebestians or Pepperoni.. if not they are lounging in L' Estaminent or having a Jap meal in the new Jap restaurant. expensive restaurants equate rich expats and pretty cars. of course we've got toyotas and mitsubishis in the crowd as well..

then i looked again. the unmistakeable golden emblem with the red and black streak and the black horse. the silver porsche Cayenne was winking at me.

i smiled back.

then walking on, a mini cooper passed me. i watched it and looked into a house accidentally. a dark blue Honda s2000 convertible was in the driveway. i was about to cry and another Lexus momma vehicle came in view.

it's the neighborhood, i tell u. my hand was nearly fully in my mouth to stop the tears. amazing eye candy in the neighborhood. i can only wish for that Lexus RX300. i don't even dare dream abt the Porsche. pretty cars... then a proton saab drove up. i watched it, a little shocked. i'm not saying that protons aren't good cars. it was just out of place in the middle of the BMWs and mitsubishi SUVs and MPVs. then two real estate agents walked out. (very obvious 'cos they were in suits, one was holding a file and one was asking, "which house is it?")

when i went home, i met my dad driving the toyota picnic out. told my younger bro abt all the cars. he grinned.

"it's the neighborhood we live in."

eye candy galore...