first day of sch.. alone in meeting room with the rest of the bags.. i'm tired after AFA.. just wanna print my notes so i can go home now to run.. but there's no one here.. and i'm hungry.

shucks.

ok.. haven't updated since i got back.. but during my trip, i got to know new people. they take up a tiny part of this chapter but nevertheless, their footprints have been made.

there's jie jie or AK, a nice malaysian lady. spent bulk of my time in the guesthouse chatting with her. then there's en hwa, a korean uni student. very sweet and reminds me of yong 'cos she's crazy abt mike he and ethan zhang too. and two guys. one is from nanhua and has been helping me with my itinerary and directions as well. the other is from kaoshiung. he's a hair stylist with a perpetual smell of ciggie smoke on him. and he's really quite pleasant to talk to.

back in singapore now.. happy and sad..

naturally happy 'cos i'm home where my family and friends are. wondering if the family wants to go back to kaoshiung and visit taitung and pingtung at the same time.. if not, likely to end up going to china. just want somewhere cold.

however, as bored as i was of taipei, i still kinda liked walking shilin and ximending.. if anything, i miss the few other night markets around taiwan like feng jia and liuhe.. and the convenience stores... gosh.. the range of drinks is amazing. they have tea eggs there too! did i mention that i found my "amsterdam" waffles there too? i went ballistic in the supermarket over the range of drinks again. and the amount of affordable and wide range of products in watsons there..

and i miss walking the backstreets of taipei, not really knowing what i'm gonna get at the end. and all that despite the fact that i'm muttering to myself, silently hoping that the motorists going past me will catch it..

"don't kill me, please. don't kill me"

the "feng kuang" belt shopping and 5 pairs of earrings... and i realize that i spoil my younger sister. a bit too much, i think. for the photos, go here:

http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/nookweis/my_photos (under Taipei album, not Taiwan)

didn't really buy clothes for the new term. yet. feel like shopping so badly. and i wanna get a new bag too. wondering if i want a new phone.. eyeing this one.. the sony ericsson K800i.

quadband. whoot! i have no idea what it means but it sounds cool! ahahah.. the main attraction of the phone is the 240x320 screen.. 3.2 mp camera.. music and video player.. it's 115 g.. not too bad lah. plus it's a sleek black. i like. i no money too. i wanna either be a very spoilt child or a very spoilt gf now..
*****

just some random thoughts on the bus home today from jingting's place.. it's funny how some routine things can seem so trivial to some but intense to others. i'm not gonna let guilt and regret gnaw at me anymore. i'll take that chance on me. things will have their way in God's plan.

and oh, i really want to take up that extra musical instrument. narrowed down to violin and guitar. 'cos i dun think the folks at home are gonna take too kindly to me banging away on the drums and it's gonna take up space. i can't put it in the attic. the sounds will echo down.. ahahaha. initially thought the flute wld be ideal.. but the more i think abt it, the less i want to learn it.

violin or guitar.. i need to save up..

(updated the "hope-to-do-before-i-die" list at the side..)

long post ahead!!!
****
everyone's got their own personal vendatta. that demon they want to fight. the skeletons that they need to clean out. ti's just whether they want to admit it, whether they want to acknowledge its existence or not.
*****
1825 12 Aug
Day 1 in taipei. i'm greeted by sights vaguely familiar from memories of the recent december. the sky is a lovely palette of blue, lavender and mild orange from the setting sun. what i wouldn't give to be at danshui right now! i'll have to content with factories against the green backdrop of woodlands. the bus is ambering towards the main station right now and i've sent 3 smses already.

this is no ordinary overseas trip for me. for the first time, i'll be travelling alone. not on a fancy whim though part of me wishes it was so. i've left too many friendly faces behind. for a simple reason: to go to war with myself.

i wanted to fight this battle with myself. to wage war against the me who cannot protect me. i know. i relied on God for all things. i've prayed for this opportunity to trash things out for myself. to finally be able to work with God to protct me. then i can cross off the one line from my "bf-criteria":

- to protect me from me

that's why i have to do this alone. just me and God.

now that i'm in taiwan, i can tell you guys this. pray for me. not just to win this battle. but also that whatever the outcome on the 17th, i'll be satisfied. pray that i'll remain rooted in him. and my safety.

and oh josh, abt ibiza? perhaps it'll be nicer to go with a bunch.. heez

12 Aug 1847
*****
13 aug 2119

there's been an erosion of self confidence. no wait. erosion of self-pride. i'm no longer too proud to admit to the world that i need help.

it may seem ironic that i had to leave singapore to find that out. on contrary, by leaving singapore, i'm forced to seek help from people whom i dun know. people who might not help. it's taking that chance that ppl might not want to do anything abt my state..

a whole day of walking.. i'm tired.

13 aug 2130
*****
14 aug 1252

woke up at 1130. i love dark rooms. no sunlight to wake one up. actually, the sun doesn't have much effect on me unless it's too hot.. heez.

it's 33 out there. lower than the crazy 37 at abt this time oyday. me? in the comforts of a air-conditioned bus headed to yangmingshan (YMS). so it's a cheap tour of the cuty with 98 degrees sining "invisible man" to me on my mp3 player.

seized by a bout of loneliness yday. but unlike the usual berating of myself, i accepted it. perhaps my situation where smses and phone calls are much more expensive helped me. i've accepted that loneliness is a reminder that us humans need people. we crave the need to want and feel wanted. we crave relationships. we were afterall, created as relational beings.

i used to berate myself for feeling upset abt feeling lonely. 'm never really lonely 'cos of God, right? so i'd scold myself for getting upset. but i've learnt... thru loneliness, we are reminded of the horizontal aspect.. of the need to relate to other humans. there's no need to be ashamed of it. instead, see that emotion as God's reminder to us of that horizontal relational aspect.

14 aug 1308
*****
14 aug 1834
a seemingly magical end to the day

i took a mini hike around YMS park before heading to a hot spring bath. had the luxury of soaking alone at 100 NT. that was for the better part of the day.

later went to danshui. bought the local snacks for ppl at home before taking a bus to Fisherman's wharf. i was hoping that the sun would move slower and the bus faster.. by the time i got there, the sun will still up.. but hidden behind the cloud. so i was left with watching the setting of the outline of the sun to the strands of jay chou's "an jing" from a nearby cafe. now i'm on a ferry back to danshui station. the dusk is gorgeous but can't get a decent picture. heez.. dun u wish you were here?

14 aug 1845

i can't seem to blog a long post.. the hostel com will hibernate on me... ahaha.. so here's a update... so u know that i'm still alive.. i'll try to find an internet cafe and hopefully have a longer one..

lurve you all back home and miss ya. but also enjoying myself. i'll be fine so dun worry!

a few more hours and i'll be on that plane to taipei..

i've made silly decisions and mistakes in my life... and i've always bore the consequences of those decisions i've made. but... this time round, i just don't what to think of it.

perhaps it's that part of me that tells me to go head-on into new life projects to try to get to know myself better. perhaps to improve myself and prove to the world that i'm made of tougher stuff. perhaps it's just that devil-may-care attitude of mine that takes each day as it comes. sure, i plan ahead. i just don't know what tomorrow will bring. so just in case i don't die, i still need some sort of order in my life.

perhaps it's just failure on my part to realize that i can upset others more than i ever thought possible. i want them not to worry... but they are still gonna worry. just like how they try to persuade me not to go alone... i'm still going alone.. i've made up my mind and just put in so much thought.

i've always wanted to travel alone. i just crave that little romance in my life where i can be alone in a different place where everything is unpredictable. do i want someone there with me? Yes and no. let's just say i haven't found that special someone to go to a country and do things on a whim with.

but i digress.. it's more than just the need to feel that my life is a little more exciting than it is. i've had a charmed life. i want to break out of it and test my limit. i need to know that i can trust myself because... of stuff that i don't feel like mentioning now.

and now, it seems like i want to know that people can trust me. i don't need them to love me. they can hate me for my decision. but i need them to trust me that i know what i'm doing. i have put in much thought into this. it's not something that struck me suddenly. i've prayed.. i've worked things out with Him. it's not just itchy feet on my part. i just don't want to wake up one day and wonder how different my life wld be. even if i know that the path i've walked is in His will. and i'm tired of conversations that go nowhere.

oh, i know of few that miss my writing. thank you so much for been such a great encouragement. so i found a little smth that i wrote in my first year in SMU? yupe.. abt there.. think after the first term. so read it if you dare. heez.

****
Complexity

i can be a bitch. i can be cold, sarcastic, tactless, bitter and harder and harsher than people would imagine. i can betray people without blinking and awake the next day fresh and cheery. yes, i can be that.

i can and will shun love from those willing to give it. i can break hearts, destroy dreams and vanquish hopes with my frozen snowflake of a heart. i can turn away without faltering, rejesting the warm embrace of love that wants nothing more than to melt that iciness. i can be selfish, cruel, heartless and remain unmoving, unwilling to succumb to the gentleness of puppy love.

but at the same time, i can hurt and be shattered, have my life torn apart by dilemmas. i can cry over an emotional loss, no matter how small it is. i can break down and hide away in dark corners, praying that life will be better. guilt can haunt me for long when i affest those i care about. i can be loyal and faithful to those i trust- warm and sensitive and even gentle. i can love those unwilling to be loved by me, those clearly out of my reach. the solid ice lodged in my chest can shatter and cut myself when i try to pick them up.

i can feel jaded, powerless, wanting nothing more than someone who will hold me tight when i cry myself to sleep, wiping the tears away with his kisses.

i can be selfish, cruel, heartless and remain unmoving, unwilling to succumb to the heart that wants to be melted.

Confused? Then why did you even start reading?

my last post was at 9.07 this morning.

time now is 5.20 in the afternoon.



and i'm utterly bored in a crowded gym. the usual faces down here though so it's kind of nice. throngs of familiar faces who somehow seem terribly chatty today. but it only occurs every.. 15 min? they come to the counter.. we chat a little.. they go off and work out or sign out and leave to eat... still.. got a headache..

got an anal customer who comes in and asks for the same locker all the time. i dun mind giving it to her.. but it wldn't kill to ask properly right? she'll tell me she wants a locker in the middle row... then she suggests 17. it's just her tone. and i'm not the only one who finds her seemingly.. annoying.. oh well.. the stuff we have to put up with. just grit our teeth and bear it.

time check. 5.41 pm. got sidelined when another bunch came over to the desk to chat. oh well. hopefully the rest of the day will be better.

in the gym right now and the silly kettle decided to crash on me. i need my hot drink to fill me up but while i'm the only silly staff right now, i can't go running around. shucks. i've never craved milo/tea/coffee so badly before. ok, take out coffee.. i've had worse coffee cravings.

i'm not a coffee addict. i just have my moments. like how i have yet to try starbucks java chip. they took away my rhumba frappe and brought in java chip. more chocolate chips? very expensive coffee. so still harboring that insatiable craving for my first taste of java chip coffee. think i'm gonna wait until i'm feeling down enough to wanna indulge in overpriced coffee.

meanwhile, the list of songs that i've being ODing on..

1. Lin Jun Jie- "Sa Rang Hae Yo Zhi Dui Ni Shuo"
2. Take That- "Nobody Else"
3. Take That- "Holding Back The Tears"
4. Will Liu feat Evonne Hsu - Xing Dong Xing Tong

yea, depressingly sweet love songs. ahaha. am i in one of those moods again? maybe. maybe not. i derno. but i cannot deny that my conversations with a particular someone has been.. well.. bittersweet. while i've fully accepted that my life is really not under my control, he comes along and tells me not to be so pesimisstic abt it all.

reminiscent of conversations i've had since year one. and i'll still say the same thing that i told david chan two years ago, on the last day of exams before we went to fred's house to chill..

"i'll just never understand why single (guys) sit around and ask why other single (girls) are very eligible yet still unattached."

and i'm still wondering. anyhoo, i did explain to the particular someone that i'm not pesimisstic abt life and that i honestly enjoy my life as a singleton. make the best of what you have. he jokingly chided me as being childish and i cldn't help but laugh in response. the friends i surround myself with in the still of night when i cannot get any sleep.. haiz.


if i were to say "sa rang hae yo" to anyone right now, You know that it's for Your ears only. Because You first said that to me when You reached Your hand out to me.

*********
suddenly, the morning doesn't seem as dreary anymore despite the maniacal laughter of two terribly annoying prats in the gym. kw's seriously my sunshine boy. the way his grin just perks me up when he's waving frantically at me from outside the gym. at least he's leaving school when i leave. that way, i don't have to wonder what it'll be like to not see him when i'm stuck at the gym. let's just make the best of the coming year then. =)

been a tiring week..

meet with the Cfers for durians at geylang. That place is overrated at times but it was the company that made it all worth while. after that, we took a trip down to mich's place and chatted a little longer. i must have felt pretty drained for when i curled up against the sofa, i really felt like sleeping.

kinda feel bad 'cos i did that at ansen's place before. it was a farewell party for him and debz and yet, i curled up on his bed and promptly fell asleep. the sports camp before that had drained me pretty much. i really need to catch up on some sleep. maybe i can get more on the trip across the silly causeway tmr when i head over to JB with the CFers.

anywayz, after that night, joshua said that i remind him of a baby koala. great. first cheong calls me hamster in the cupboard. yc says i'm a squirrel. i got called a racoon (raKooN.. geddit? damn lame.. ahahah) in JC. now i'm a baby koala. just because i like to cling to arms. apparantly, he got the idea at steph's bday where i clung onto Jane's arm.

fine, i admit. those animals are the some of the cutest little critters i know. but.. why am i being associated with tiny marsupials and rodents? (insert crying emoticon ala msn)

'nuf said. i finally got my wireless mouse. went down to sim lim this morning with yong to look for her laptop bag. we walked a few stores and the bags were $20++. upon finding a nice one at $15, she promptly bought it. then she got worried wondering if the lappie wld fit. so we went in search of her current fujitsu laptop. we found a store and happily walked in, looking for her model.

"Were we in this shop just now?" I asked her, feeling awkward suddenly. She turned to me, brows slightly furrowed...

"Can I help you?" (oh the grammatical errors of the service industry.. it's "MAY I HELP YOU")

anywayz, yong turned and lo and behold, this young man was eagerly waiting to serve us. she asked for her model and he directed us to it. Deep inside, i'm secretly hoping that he would leave us alone so that we could quickly compare the size before running out. no.. my sweet little sister takes the cover out and proceeds to tell him the reason of us entering the shop. i'm wishing the ground opens up.

when we finally leave the store, i looked at her.

"That was embarrassing. But that wasn't the guy who served us the first time right?"

"It was him. i nearly died when i saw him," she affirmed.

congratulations. i seem to get myself into nonsensical situations. no one does it better than me, i guess. why do i get myself into fixes like that?

for the rest of the week, i'm pretty much booked. got the trip up to JB on monday, gym and ktv on tuesday, afterglow on wed, work on thurs (7am-12pm and 3pm-7pm in the gym. visit me!!) and packing on fri. then it's off to taiwan for 6 days! can't wait for some time alone. =)

the series of leading up to our final 2 smucf foc 2006 large group shots..


not there..

not yet...

almost...

yea!

and the classic nonsense picture of many many tongues


group 2.. the most nonsensical morons that made me forget my tiredness with our endless crapping and continuous laughing. thank you.
(guys from left: zai, dave t, jeri, shi jia, bj, daryl, ben and josh / girls from the left: e-gay, jt, pam, mabel, e-bay, me!)

many thanks to zaixiang for the photos. can click on the pictures for larger view.. or go to my gallery in the sidebar and look for the foc 2006 album.

and truly, God has given me "the one" already. He's provided me with the "one church" where i know i'll never be alone on this lifelong journey. let our friendships, not just within the cg or ogs, but bonds formed by the mere fact that we're all God's people in SMUCF never fade while we still walk this earth!

gin rummy never happened.

but werewolf did.

FOC 2006. a thrilling time of challenges from our dear teachers. a exhilarating time of laughter during games. an amazing mass of memories that will make for smiles in sleeps for the days to come.

an intense period for me, personally. the first time i'm the OIC and i'm left tired but still smiling from the memories. the conversations abt ministry, that living hope, predestination, bgr (always the topic), apologetics and food. a unique experience that i'm ever grateful for.

no words constantly repeated will help me express the intense gratitude i have for my dear brothers and sisters.. so lemme repeat myself for i'm sure i've missed some.. ahahahaha..

to my dear committee, you've hear this over and over again. most of what i've said has been mentioned in the email that i've sent to you and i mean every word i said..

to my dear leaders, read the email!! hee hee... thanks thanks. i appreciate all the help.

to my fellow brothers and sisters who have made me laugh and smile. if anything i found hard, it was to take time out to feel tired until i realized that the camp was coming to the end. which is why some of you may have seen me looking lethargic on the dinner on the last night. then suddenly the panadol.. the ribena (even though gh decided to help himself to it rather quickly).. the.. erm... ahahaha..

yes yes.. whatever happened in the camp, shall stay in the camp. and i'm pretty sure many of those on finale night during the skit would like many.. erm.. certain memories to be buried and only to be taken out during the .. AFTERGLOW! so ppl, once i get my hands on the videos.. muahahaha.

for some pictures

a failed candid shot, thanks to eugene(extreme left) and david (dude with frisbee) who decided to pose..

my dear camera-happy group (from left: E-gay, mabel, E-bay, me, zai, shijia, daryl, jeri)

the girls at fort canning

supper at tau huay place.. as usual..

now i'm just waiting for more photos.. to laugh at.. to smile and remember all that has passed... all the mentos, tea limau and sour skittles.. suppers galore of tau huay and teh terik.

oh, i finally tried new Dreyers flavors.. i used to only take their rocky road. but the chocolate cake is superb! it taste like Sara Lee's chocolate pound cake. just with a lot of chocolate ice cream that really is fantastic. the cake bits are smaller than the brownies in Ben & Jerry's. so the cake is soaked in ice cream. the wonders of what you learn during conversations at the camp!

he finally got me. that moron finally got me.

along with two other idiots...




yes, all can rejoice. after trying since friday, lin daokuan finally had me thrown into the swimming pool. at the gym dinner, he, along with ah zhui and crystal, pounced on me.. took off my watch.. my birks... and promptly carried me to the pool. they swung me in.

after that, i was near the shallow pool with dk and zhui. before i know it, they are dragging me in by my legs. crazy morons. we were laughing so hard. and it was a good dinner. ate so much. then zhui and dk were fooling around as well, trying out synchro dives. the 3 of us then went back up to roy's place to change.

so mr lin, if you're reading this, you've managed to settle the unfinished business. hope it's finally out of your system. twice in the night. fantastic...

***

SSU sports camp was fun. or at least to this old first-timer here. i went down to help as a first aider and station master on the second and third day. and it was nice to be able to hang out friends that i haven't had a chance to chat face-to-face with for a long time.

sure, it's no serious conversations.. but to my old friends who crapped with me for those few minutes, i honestly enjoyed that trip of sudden nostalgia. and for the new friendships.. even with those whose names i never got to know. so as much as i am drained, i enjoyed every moment spent under the sun (literally) with you peeps.

it's just how u guys made me laugh and smile inspite of my tiredness. the empty threats that just made me thankful for friends like u. u guys really provide that momentary relief from the stress i've been facing for the past few days. like when lionel suddenly did the flight attendant thing on the bus back to SMU.. or when i saw the "Ka-ching" video.. or the "sumo wrestling" where our own dboat carrot won.. thank you so much.

and honestly, must i be interested in a guy to suddenly become "dei"? fyi, it's not a sudden thing. i do whine. and no, i'm not interested in any guy right now, ok?
***

Friday, 28 july 2006, has been declared comfort day. i'll be staying home to take my comfort soup. then i'm sleeping for the rest of day. it's my day to myself and God. then in the evening, i'll meet dear JT and the rest of my dears for a night out. yay.. looking forward to it.

another PTBC over.. another time of growing more in His word.

it was an intense 2 day period of talks, workshops and berean small groups. but i had fun nevertheless. slept a little more after gin rummy. we are continuing the game at foc.. and once again, i was in the group with most of the CFers.. there was zx, jx, cy and me. and zhen yang was in our group as well.. gotta meet ppl like hubert, john, simone, ying, beatric.. and our lovely group leaders, colin and joy.

so a weekend well spent even though i was really dead tired. it felt so good to be around ppl who were so warm and receptive. plus i got to see josiah and jessica! and played with jayden for a while.. guss i kinda miss alexis. then to appease my family whom i haven't spent time with for a really long time, i left PT early to catch Dead Man's Chest. now i'm eagerly anticipating the third instalment of the pirates.

i have to admit. i haven't felt this way since my first year in the exco. the fire never died.. it just stopped growing. i want to serve with my life. PT just fired me up even more. this one was exciting although i admit that the Vaughan Roberts PTMM has been the most impactful one. and D.A Carson is coming next year! i've truly been fortunate enough to have had such amazing teachers like Vaughan, Ray, Chapman, Tim Thoburn, Jackman.. i want that chance to hear Goldsworthy now.. or peter jensen.. or john stott.. or joshua ng.. *dreaming* but what Christopher Ash mention is a real worry.

it's so easy to get fired up when you're surrounded by like-minded ppl in whatever circumstance. a soccer player would be fired up during a game if he knew that the ppl around him are craving the touch of that precious cup, even though they only keep it for four years. it applies to all aspects of our lives. and even more so for me when everyone in the grp was abt the same age, all with hunger to want to know Him more.

i was comtemplating leaving the event for a while to learn coxing on saturday. but i'm so glad i stayed for small group. working thru the passage.. learning from one another.. lunch together.. plus it was during lunch where i met james and family. and though i was struggling to keep awake during the talks, whatever i got from it was amazing.

i'm just wondering.. how am i going to get my hands on the pictures that were taken during PT? i want the group shot. hee hee.. think this is the one grp that i won't be forgetting for a while, considering the fact that it's not an all-SMU one.




oh. the interview with the girls just now was good. they were really helpful and funny. after a while, peiying took my camera and started taking pictures... wherever we go, a camera will just pop out suddenly and they go nuts. we just love the camera. here's the proof.







oh! i nearly forgot! for those who have yet to see alexis, here she is.

isn't she just precious? and she's a noisy baby like me.. hee hee.. didn't manage to capture a shot of her when she was awake. got too excited. and she's gonna be a heartbreaker with those eyes of hers. so sweet and big.