20th Aug, 1105-1150..

a spam of 25 mails between 5 girls. we are really quite amazing. and it was just arranging for lunch. oh well, this is one of our better days. when jen is around, we are crazier. every minute, you get pinged due to a new msg. and i'm grateful.. for these crazy girls who keep me going.


love ya loads! drinks and ktv! soon!!


and oh! the other thing that keeps me going.. my wallpaper

i love you all.. like lubb lubb very deep!
**

meeting ended really late.. by the time i left office, it was 9 pm. i waited for the bus for 10 min, decided not to wait.. and walked to the mrt. and what a smart choice it was. opposite me on the train was a really really and i mean really good looking guy.. chiselled.. tall, big eyes.. typical anime man.


but yet strangely enough.. when i took my phone to distract myself from staring at him the whole ride back, i started to smile.. not because of him.. but because of my phone.


yar lah.. whole bunch of uber cute and seemingly random shots.. but the events leading up to each photo.. i still remember fondly. and they made me smile. made me forget my weariness and hunger. forget the drop-dead gorgeous guy. i've got my own bros..

work's been a whole rollarcoaster ride of emotions. of depression and joy.. this was from yday..

***
1100
not having a good day. rather frustrated with just about everything that i don't understand. the mundane matters that shouldn't matter are suddenly blown up. oh bleepity crap. feel like crying right now. really badly.
***
1450
i love Him.

i love how He shows me that He cares.. i love how He reminds me that He's watching over me.. that while He doesn't have to work His magic to tell me that He's never left me, He still does. that giddy sensation of love abounding. if He can do the greater thing to send His own Son to die for me when i was His enemy...

what more to take the steering wheel from this sinful girl He calls His child and deliver her from the king of ulu in Johor back to the ulu of ulu-s in tuas.

when i never prayed for the burden to be lifted..
when i never prayed for the chance to not go..
when i never prayed for a change of plans..

when all i prayed was for me to continue to remember and glorify Him in all that i do and say.. in my work.. in my responsibilities.. in my life.

but He knew all the unspoken fears and anxiety in my heart when i tried to suppress them to face this chapter of my life.. of being far from the like-minded people whom i've grown to love and call family.

lesson learnt? i need to stop trying to be strong. i need to remember that i am weak.. that i am defenceless.. that i am vulnerable.. but He's my fortress and strength and all that i can depend on.

oh my God. i love Him.
***

then last night was after glow too. so we had it at lydia's. it was fun to sit around with the usual bunch and chat.. thiang's finally back too. got to catch up with ppl like xy, ben, josh, dan.. then it was supper. the amazing 9 of us squashed into nat's car. back seat was kenji, ben and winston. the middle saw kelly, bj, jt and me. then marcus drove.

really quite an odyssey.

but i love the laughter.. the randomness of our chit chat.. can't wait for the next time i get to catch up with them again!

6th Aug. location: tuas. again.

1.05 pm
still no lunch. i'm actually faint. i hope i dun pass out. like really really. crap.

1.17 pm
stomach aching. eyes are glazed. kinda light-headed. finding it hard to focused. double crap.

2.38 pm
finally had lunch. the team is pretty subdued today. i want my lee hom singing to me.. but with boss boss around, i don't quite dare to take out my earphones. i foresee OT tonight. leader's training? triple crap. i'm depressed. thank God for the ever-so bubbly FC who makes me smile.

5.08 pm
God really works in ways that i can never fanthom. i'm going back to the office at 6 pm after all. which means i can go to sch from there and for leader's training. which also means that i'm gonna be working late into the night for today and tmr. but i don't really care. i miss my dears too much. i miss that seemingly euthopia of a fellowship..

FC made me laugh when i went to look for her. gosh, she really makes this more bearable. still feeling floaty though. not much of an appetite too. need to buy gastric pills. please don't let me be sick.

7th Aug. location: home sweet home.

12.22 am
should really be sleeping. back still aching when i bend. dun like. feels good to see the cfers again. don't know if i can make it for Mark studies tmr though.. and hopefully i can make it for afterglow. i just don't like missing them..

that sense of familiarity. fine, it's too "perfect" a christian life with them.. to know that you can turn to them and pray together.. to really just share lives and know that they are people willing to glorify God and worship Him with their entire lives.

and to you all.. out-reach hor, people! when i come back and visit, you better be doing it!! lubb you all deep deep! miss you!

last night went to wala wala with yuda and mich. i like how we can just sit there and not say anything. the "chill" band was good. they sang all my fave chill songs too! during a chorus of "chasing cars", the lead looked over to our side and smiled briefly. whee~

and that someone was there too. heez. jiali cld tell by my insane grin when i told her abt the night at wala wala.

work's just fluctuating now with the end of one of our phases. then it's a new job and JB for me. not looking forward to it. i wld rather be in woodlands. at least still on singapore island. plus there's ecd too. haiz. i wld prefer to count inventory in taiwan factories too.

oh, got a visit from a ducky today. super funny.

currently ODing on Ronin's "One More Moment". it reminds me of Howie Day's "Collide". not the tune. but the overall feel of the song. i can listen to it over and over again but that one particular line will still stand out.

"i found i'm scared to know i'm always on your mind."

it's one of those lines that i'd just fall for. esp if you change it a little.

"i found you're scared to know you're always on my mind."

it's just something that struck me when i was walking in as that song played on my mp3 player. Ronin's "One More Moment" is one of those with sweet cliche lyrics. but the acoustics are just so soothing. (have bolded the particular lines that stood out..)

One More Moment

don't take too long to say "i love you" to the ones you love

cos time has a habit of slipping away

and out on a clear blue sky when lightning strikes on a sunny day

just take me in and keep me from the rain

and the words that seem so hard to say

come out when you've gone away

stay a little while and hear me say

that i want you here tonight

and i need you by my side for just one more moment

for just one more moment with you

turn away and say good bye to each and every word that passes by

like a distant memory

and time keeps slipping away and time will turn to gray

and time will be the one who holds you down

and the words that seem so hard to say

come out when you've gone away

stay a little while and hear me say

that i want you here tonight

and i need you by my side for just one more moment

for just one more moment

that i want you here tonight

and i need you by my side for just one more moment

for just one more moment with you

sometimes time will treat you bad

before you even know what's wrong

in the end it hits you hard

please tell me you'll be strong

one last thing.. i know i've already planned an outing to wala wala 6 years from now. but that doesn't mean that we can't go there or anywhere else in the 6 years in between, you hear me? ask me out!

****

been thinking thru some stuff that's been happening in my life. how everything's playing out. all that i never wanted to happen to me seems to be happening. but i've realized that i don't need to know where i'm going from here. i already know my final destination. but i feel like a sprinter who's walking because the sprinter here just has no idea which route to take now. whatever route i take, i just gotta keep trusting in Him.

right?

i've finally edited my photos. the wonders of free online photo editing applications. whee~

the dinner was ok, i guess.. food wasn't fantastic. ok la. the prawns made me happy for a while. but i cldn't bring myself to finish the main and my panna cotta after that.. but the company made it fun... just seeing everyone all again.

jt can vouch for me that i had a silly smile on my face most of the time. not the alcohol la.. just had a very *erm* good view from where i was sitting. reminiscent of me trying to study in year one when he's somehow nearly always in my view and facing me. when i told jiali abt it, she grinned and remarked that he was really mr *nostalgia* to me. i think so too. *goofy smile*

been drinking quite a bit. my liver needs a break. i can't believe i'm going out again on wed and again on friday. fridays are hazardous. 2 rounds! i refuse to do more than 2 rounds this time. no more finishing up ppl's drinks too. cz thinks my capacity to hold that much liquer is hilarious. i feel used.. ahahahaha. not that i mind esp if it's free lychee martinis or tequila shots!

anyhoo, just wanna thank an amazing friend. think the person reads this blog. not gonna say who but..

if you're reading this, just wanna thank you for making me smile that day inspite of it all. i've lost count of the times i've disturbed you and scared you by crying. which is why that day, i insisted that everything was settled. truth be told, it's not settled yet. but i cldn't bring myself to tell you the truth 'cos i know you'd just call me and i'd cry again. like i said, don't worry abt me. i just need to start picking myself up once again. just pray that i'll keep trusting in Him. thank you for being such an amazing addition in my life.

really.

Who on their deathbed will wish that they spent more time in the office?

such a stark reminder that i have to devote my entire life to Him. Living sacrifice. no excuses of working or slacking.. or what not. i believe in the full sufficiency of His grace that saves me. i also believe in the full sufficiency of God to keep me going.. to make me want to love Him more and more..

to help those around me learn more about Him.. to grow more in Him.. with the freshman orientation camp... old faces reminding me of the good times.. new faces foretelling more good times to come.. how can i ever thank Him enough? may i continue to walk with Him, away from the scary world of working life..

Teach me Your way, Lord.

With a thousand different voices, whose voice will you listen to?

it's so easy right? to say that you'll not listen to the voices telling you that grades are impt.. to not listen to the voices telling you to love money, power and prestige. at least it is for me.. i crave no recognition. like the question i ask Evan, "How do you want to be remembered when you die? by your name? or your walk with God?"

She smiled and replied, "Enoch walked with God."

i smiled at her reply. it was simple and powerful. she saw the importance of being remembered as a Christian. i told her my answer.

i don't want to be remember for anything other than my walk with God. people can forget my name for all i care. but it's just gratifying to know that God touched someone thru me when just one person says, "i never had the chance to know her personally. i never even got to know her name. i just knew that she loved God with all her life and that's all that matters."

but it goes beyond that. the voices i struggle with are those that ask me to do things that the world would see as normal. to crave human intimacy.. to long for companionship.. nothing wrong with that?

but God's given me friends. God's given me Him! how can i ask for more? marriage is no more than a bond created by God for us to understand that He is our final and only bridegroom. it's not abt idolizing one another. it's about helping one another grow more and more in maturity in Him. if marriage cannot do that for me, i will never enter into a relationship.

i struggle with the more subtle cries of the world. not immorality per say.. but not recognizing the sufficiency of Christ is what that voice of the world is telling me to do. i can't. i won't.

Teach me Your way, O Lord, teach me Your way.

Take out your note books and start jotting this down.. SMUCF's Freshman Orientation Camp is upon us once more...

"GOD DWELLS HERE"

Details

Date: 23rd to 26th July

Where: SMU SESS

Camp Fee: $35

having gone for 3 of the camps and in fact, being in the committee for all 3 as well, the work that goes into it is worth it. even if there are few year ones. to see the smiles on those who are there just makes it all worth while.


ok la, on hindsight, pleasing God makes it all worthwhile, definitely. but that momentuous grin on the faces around you during the camp.. the laughing.. the getting-to-know-yous.. the food... magic. pure magic that only people together in the presence of God can feel. so what are you waiting for?


If interested, lemme know!!

Memoirs in tuas (1)

12.24 pm
in tuas already. the group is small and cosy and i quite like it. fine. damn ulu place. gul avenue. where's that? tuas la. i get to see the fat momma of a crane in front of me. quite fun. it's different from staring at pwc buiding.

was sharing bimb moments with regine in the car. like how she didn't know why it was jurong east mrt.. and how i used to think that jurong was in the east because of the name. that was in sec sch, btw...

it started to rain just before lunch though. absolute horror. 'cos there was nowhere nearby. we didn't want to go out with the heavy rain. we also decided that no delivery man would want to find gul avenue in the heavy rain.

and no eye candy here! none ! haiz.

so chris set off to macs to buy food back. i'm sitting here and hoping that karen doesn't get scared off by Bory, the amazing growling tummy.

which reminds me, i'll need to get all the tel nos of delivery places.. kfc, oishi pizza, macs.. only got US/rite pizza. omg. i'm going to faint from hunger soon.

4.15 pm
i've drunk my green tea.. but i'm so incredibly sleepy then i'm just writing things without registering anything. like anything anything. crap. 2 more hours and i shld be able to get out of here. bring home work and do or smth. i wanna shop or sleep. badly.

6.07 pm
finished my work. now how do i get out...

6.10 pm
ooook. not finished. they are aiming to leave by 7.30. let's just hope we get out of here by 8pm.

Was supposed to go to Tuas but by a twist of fate, I ended up manager-less in the office. And google is dead scary. I typed in "Sarbanes Oxley 2007" for research and look what I found…

http://www.approva.net/audittrail/2007/06/28/july-is-party-time-for-sarbanes-oxley/

It's a timer counting down to the 5th birthday of SOX… omg. This is hilarious. Three main reasons I can think of to explain this puzzling phenomenom…

1. Auditors are crazy. Like muy loco type of people who ought to be locked up at IMH permanently. The stress of work finally got to them. Ah the hopelessness of the accounting firms! I should get out once I can… at least away from staring at financials and doing computations.

2. Auditors are just deprived sad souls looking for a life outside the office. They need every single reason to party, even if it means celebrating the 5th birthday of an US accounting standard. Which also explains why our dept has P.O.M (pub of the month) where we venture out to find a pub, drag the executive directors down, have a fat budget and drink ourselves silly. Not that I've gone for any yet.

3. Auditors are cool. I don't mean it in a sarcastic manner, though knowing me, most of you would have thought so initially. My coy's been neat so far. I'm on the dragonboat team thanks to my rec manager. Think i'm in the team for this sept's race. My fault too but that's another story. I just need to get myself out of badminton and into netball to join Jo. I've digressed. But my point in essence is perhaps, we aren't as crazy or as boring as people think we are.


3rd reason is just super funny.. i'm hoping i will be able to say that 3 years down the road. :P

my orientation group at the onboarding course

I'm actually enjoying my work.

it's been challenging. my tasks seem to be getting bigger. from simple admin stuff to helping with checks of finished items for closure and starting of files, trying to figure out engagement documents and whatnot.. and the ppl are nice!

some of the old peeps also still around. claire, harry, chris, karen, wendi, ck, hwee ching, jeremy, simon.. new faces (to me at least 'cos i was rarely in office last summer) like daniel, jane, hk..

suddenly, i'm told after lunch that i will be going to johor for 2-3 weeks. i'm hoping 2 weeks. it means missing church for 1 week. i hope. simon wasn't very consoling when he heard who the client was. his comment?

"quite steam."

i also think say. 2 weeks to finish? i'm gonna be working 24/7 over in johor. i swear. unless they suddenly think that i'm hopeless and take me off the job. *fingers crossed*

sure, the experience will be fantastic. and i was hoping for secondments to learn more. but not so soon! i was thinking like when i become a GA1 or smth. not in the 7th week of work! super stressed. dun like.

how? pray for me. seriously. that i'll just keep trusting in Him with whatever life throws me. that i'll keep on pleasing Him.

on saturday, jt and i collected our gowns together. after that, it was to suki sushi for buffet lunch and laughs. but it wasn't before long that the reality of that gown and mortar board next to us on our chair sank in.

we started to talk abt work.. abt the world's perceptions.. abt prospects.. abt money.. the conversation took such a serious and real turn abt where we were headed to.

i see it in the eyes of the people around me all the time. those eager beavers hoping to show the world what they are made of. hoping to make a future for themselves. to prove their worth to everyone.

i just want to show God who i'm make of. Him. i have no future 'cept the one God has already made for me. Him. God has told me what it is that makes me of any worth. Him.

i'm no better than those out there. i do look into that todds' window and crave to hold that gorgeous white bag. i do look at those flashy cars and wish that it was me in it. the wanderlust within me longs to walk the pebbled pavements of europe or drive past the pacific ocean to go from SF to LA...

but all that is transcient. all that will come to pass and mean nothing. but He is eternal.

i'm not going to give up eternity for today. it's not worth losing God for anything else.

then i hear the usual laments.. abt being able to support yourself.. abt being able to support your family.. fine, feed your face. i agree that we do have responsibilities. but are we using God as an excuse to gratify our sinful nature? i pray that i'll never come to that stage. and i pray for my friends that they won't too.

i don't wanna be lost to the world. i never wanna be of the world even though i'm in it. and i don't wanna see those i love losing themselves to the world too. i know i'm gonna be busy when work starts. esp towards the end of the year.

~keep me in your prayers.. that i'll never lose sight. and i'll be praying for all of you too~

i haven't been in a great mood today. just.. grouchy. evan cld tell. gabe-san cld tell..

perhaps it's just me being ill-mannered and not wanting to grow up. not wanting to face the truths of life that i need to move on.. but.. gosh. i can't believe that i'm missing stuff like "foster's home for imaginary friends" and "ed, edd and eddy".. this is proof of my reluctance to move on with life.

am i not trusting enough in Him?

will i continue to hold fast to Him? will i still be that vulnerable little girl clinging to His feet and letting go of everything else? or will i become a hard nut that no one can break through? will i become power hungry and ignore all that He's done for me? when i stand in front of Him, will i be able to say, "God, I'm Yours. I always have been."

oh god. i'm freaking out now.

but thanks to my dear friends who let me whine the entire night away.. to just let out part of that fear... that frustration at my helplessness at this point of time. never felt so terrible.. i've always moved on with life fine. why not now?

just gotta keep trusting in You. let me keep trusting in You. help me keep trusting in You.