KPMG welcome night was a killer. for my liver. i lost count of the shots i had but thank god for the mambo music that made it all so much more bearable. and of course, my dearies (evan, jt, gabe, bobbs, dennis, fukhai, thiang) who saved me from zouk and tolerated my nuttiness as i repeated myself over and over again.

hey, i was sober enough to register the plans to head to Daily Scoop the next day! gabe, bobbs, evan, jt and i found ourselves at Daily Scoop slightly past 3 pm, eating ice cream. absolute joy in the warm humind weather!! we ordered 4 bowls of 2 scoops each. and bobbs didn't eat. so yea, each of us had 2 scoops.

our first 3 bowls..

as if it wasn't enough, i met jt and dennis after that for cheesecake at cheesecake cafe. it's a nice little place along east coast road, near siglap center.

vanilla chocolate chip cheesecake!

a little on the pricey side and it was a pity that we didn't get a seat inside. wanted to take photos of the decor 'cos i think it's resort luxe.. laid back wooden bench and the black chandlier.. if i finally make enough to move out, my living room's gonna look like that.

might rethink the chandlier. the memory of washing our own chandlier every chinese new year distresses me already.

but yes, i'm already looking forward to my next visit to cheesecake cafe.. oh to sip red wine and eat cheesecake or chocolate truffle cake... such luxurious decandence, i know. smack me.

and yes! i promise! i will make cupcakes next weekend!! it's been put off for too long already. haven't been in the kitchen since thanksgiving dinner. missing it tonnes!!

i haven't felt this way for such a long time.. disappointment with myself.. wondering what's happened to me.. such a whacking to what i thought i knew..

conviction without confession.. it really hit home hard. i already knew the example that james wld be giving. perhaps.. perhaps i'm not as mature as i thought i was. perhaps i'm not as strong a christian as i thought i was..

my understanding has not wavered... my faith in the fact that Jesus is my Lord is not lost.. but my full reliance on Him has been challenged in something i had been avoiding. for too long. but.. i can't seem to pull myself out of sinking sand..

it's so easy to say that i'm a christian.. so easy to say that i'll give you everything i have. because i know that it's not enough. so easy to say that there's nothing in this world that i can lay claim to.. so easy to say that i can do nothing righteous that You have not done. so easy to say that i will lay down at Your feet the one thing You seek most from me.. to say that i will serve You with my entire life. 24/7/365.

yet i dread the disappointment. i dread the thought of being cast out.. i don't know if it's gonna happen. i don't know how it's gonna happen. i don't know when it'll happen.

i'm scared. i'm scared of the reaction.. i'm scared of what that's uncertain. i'm scared 'cos i don't know how to rely on You completely. i'm scared that i'm more worried abt disappointing them than disappointing You.

i want to give all of my life. there's nothing more i want right now. why this timidness? is it a timing thing? responsibility? or just lack of faith and assurance in the mere fact that He's my Lord and God on my part?

i know that You're perfect
i know You're so divine
You want to bring me back to You
despite that when i was so blind
i know of Your mercy
i know of Your love so kind
When You chose to stay on the cross
for that punishment that should be mine

Yet i pushed You away from my everday
Yet i chose to live my own life
Now humbly, i come to You in fervant awe
in my emptiness, i remember You're all i need

Forgive me, Lord, i ask and pray
Next to You is where i want to stay
Rescue me, Lord, from sinking sand
That i may carry my cross to my life's end
my heart is broken and my spirit weak
my life is scarred with human sin
There's nothing i need, nothing more to do
Lord, i'm here, crawling back to You.

i know You're my Savior
i know You're my King
All that You've promised will come
in time, that's what You'll bring
i know You're my shepherd
My final blood sacrifice
And i can't thank You enough today
that You alone can suffice

I have yet to truly understand
the fullness of Your plan
at times when i think i'm not playing a part
i'll do nothing more but to trust Your heart

Forgive me, Lord, i ask and pray
Next to You is where i want to stay
Rescue me, Lord, from sinking sand
That i may carry my cross to my life's end
my heart is broken and my spirit weak
my life is scarred with human sin
There's nothing i need, nothing more to do
Lord, i'm here, crawling back to You.

photo time! haven't put up photos for a while.. so yea.. introducing, some of my dearest fellow newbie associates, namely rick, jo and huijing.

Rick, the ultimate gentleman. and when i say ultimate, i mean eyeball-rolling ultimate. absolute opposite of sam sam.

joleen on the left! my evergreen sister. she's the glam shopaholic. and fellow bimbo. huijing on the right, the other evergreen sister. and i love her siglap area. cheesecake cafe was cool stuff man.jiali, jen, sok, regine and sam cldn't make it. oliver had yet to join us so yea.. but 5th Oct, welcome night party. we are going to break records. forget 100 shots. we are going for 101! ten of us only.. plus not all of them drink. i do not intend on doing a merlion. so if any of you are reading this.. keep mr soh far away from me. he scares me.

i know i haven't done one of these for a super long time.. oh well..

You Are An ENFP

The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.You are also unconventional, irreverent, and unimpressed by authority and rules.Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're quite the storyteller! In love, you are quite the charmer. And you are definitely willing to risk your heart.You often don't follow through with your flirting or professed feelings. And you do break a lot of hearts. At work, you are driven but not a workaholic. You just always seem to enjoy what you do.You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist. How you see yourself: compassionate, unselfish, and understanding When other people don't get you, they see you as: gushy, emotional, and unfocused

What's" Your Personality Type?

half truths really. perceptive? hidden motives? er... i have to be the most oblivious ditz around. then again, i like to stay in my own little world.

i'm not a charmer. i do not even flirt or profess my feelings.. and no! i do not break a lot of hearts! i do not break hearts! i prefer smashing them up to tiny pieces then grinding them down to sand to throw in the wind... joking!!! moving on...

politician? i cldn't be any more indifferent. entrepreneur.. wld that include my 60's sundae shop?

oh well..

I wanna have my own sundae shop. to just sell sodas and sundaes.. Sodas And Sundaes Everyday! S*A*S*E

tailored after the retro mod of the 60s. flirty knee length skirts. bright vibrant colors. clearly inspired by Hairspray.. but it's just something that i like. with the glowing neon lights of the dark brown juke box.

a place for people to chill over sundaes.. italian sodas.. ice cream sodas... milkshakes.. cakes... no staples like sandwich or food.. just pure munchies like cheese fries.. cakes.. muffins.. cupcakes.. happy food of the world. for happy ppl. to see those smiles and know that i can make people feel a bit better for that little while..

and it's open for bible studies everyday! why?

Saved And Serve Everyday.

Romans 1:20 "For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse."

don't ask me why but i suddenly thought abt it during the sermon. people see things. science explains how things happen. but it never explains why. that's the beauty of creation. we'll never be able to comprehend the full details of the creator's plan. but details don't matter. because we know what His ultimate plan is already.

Ephesians 1:7-10
"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth."

and because of that, i will still my anxious sinful heart and listen to Him. i will be content in Him, today, tomorrow, and forever. because i know Him.

I know You

I find You in the warmest summer

In the frost on a winter's day

I find You in the children's laughter

In each special little way

I see You when the autumn leaves fall down

When the sun sets and rises again

Yet it's not enough to see or find

When I don't know where You've been

*

But I know You as the servant King

Who loves and serves Your people

I know You as my only Lord

Who can tolerate no evil

I know You as my one true Savior

Defeated death to clear my sin

'Cos you knew me when You chose me, God

So I'll know You, Lord

And to Your will, give in.

*

I find You in my tribulations

Through each tiny step of my way

I find You in the still of darkness

In each and every passing day

I see You when I'm on my knees

Though I'm broken and crying in vain

And it's You I hold on to forever

For there's nothing else to gain

*
For I know You as the servant King
Who loves and serves Your people
I know You as my only Lord
Who can tolerate no evil
I know You as my one true Savior
Defeated death to clear my sin
'Cos you knew me when You chose me, God
So I'll know You, Lord
And to Your will, give in.

- (C) Jun

ok. belated photos from saturday's supper.. lazy to upload all even though it's not a lot.. here are the appetizers. i'm just too lazy. ahahaha...

for all, go here: http://smusg.facebook.com/album.php?aid=50795&l=e8469&id=866370645

longing for a trip alone once again. it's addictive. all you need is just one trip and you get pulled along on this whirlwind of emotions and sensations. ah, the insatiable wanderlust of this solo traveller. but..

my money can be put to better use than to just satisfy my selfish hunger. like giving to those who need it more than me.

before you think that it's dangerous for me to travel alone, i disagree to an extent. i don't go discovering new countries. i go back to country that i've been to before, but different places. so at least there's some level of comforting familarity.

what are the chances of me being able to slip away from them all when i hit korean? maybe when we hit the slopes. will try to get some alone time with a cuppa hot choc and a book.

just can't describe this feeling. i'm staring at the staff planner. people that i've known since internship.. people that i just became close to.. and they are leaving. at this point when i feel a little empty from them leaving, i feel crowded at the same time, thus this urge to walk away from everything for now.

places i wld like to escape to for some alone time.. PS Bu Bu in Taipei, any cafe at the backpacking area in HCMC, any cafe or dondes in Flinder's Street, Melbourne

***
you know the sinking feeling in your stomach when the G force hits you as the rollarcoaster goes racing down the tracks? you scream because the screaming somehow relieves that sensation and you feel better after that?

what happens when that feeling is not in your stomach but in area slightly left of the middle of your chest?

what happens when you want to break down and cry but you can't let it show?

what happens when you can't seem to find the "G force" that's causing it.. perhaps because you don't want to admit it too?

and how do you make yourself feel better despite it all?

it's personal, myself and i
we've got straightening out to do
i'm gonna be a big girl now
and big girls don't cry

tiring and dreary weekend.

went for physio on sat morning. farzad is amazing. my back's fixed. heez. after that, i had a quick appt with a yahoo buyer then headed to bugis to buy fel's present. i bumped into the prudential ppl again. this time round, since i was looking for a plan to force me to save so that mummy will be happy, i actually signed up with one of the plans. Pru-Cash.

ended up chatting with my fin adviser, lionel, abt every other thing during the discussion. was supposed to meet yak and elaine at park lane shopping center after that so i left soon enough. clever me decided to walk. as usual.

and it rained!! some weird indian man asked me if i wanted to share a cab after i sheltered him across the road. omg. crazy, can? but that's not gonna stop me from sharing umbrella with ppl so after that, i ended up sheltering a tourist too. he asked me for directions to orchard road.

mentally, i worked it out. it wld be feasible to walk to orchard from selegie. but it wld be mad to do that in the heavy rain. so i told him that he might want to wait for the rain to stop. he thanked me and disappeared into a building for shelter.

when i reached park lane, i was in a wet mess. lionel checked on me with a msg. derno why, i was actually expecting it while i was walking. the perks of being a petite girl are real. :)

then at night, there was supper and a surprise for fel at adam road. the most unlikely place for a surprise. heez. went home in time for the match. but it was the most boring mufc match i've ever watched. what a disappointment. thank goodness for saha at least. even the man city v blackburn, despite the mundane-ness, was more interesting than mufc v sun'land.

sunday, woke up late. plans for evening service was disrupted by a visit to mr lim and toa payoh. during the rainy afternoon, i went for the grad shoot and rochor road tau hway. by evening, i was exhausted.

somehow, i found energy to watch miami ink, man city v blackburn and showbiz until 12 before i decided i needed to knock off.

and i thought weekends were for relaxing..

******

by the way, my family is flippin' mad. just flippin' mad, i tell you. and i've been shutting them out with music. strange song to shut them out. but it's just in my head. so what if it's by pussycat dolls? it's a catchy tune and i like the dance!

let it go
let it go

you are our solskjaer
our ole solskjaer
you make us happy when the skies are gray
'cos when it's pouring
you just keep scoring
so please don't take my solskjaer away

the last time i heard it at a mufc game, it was in 98. the man utd medley. gosh, i can't find the lyrics for that anymore. ahaha. but that's one part of the song that i really like.

the last time i heard that song? at sunderland's game. it's their game song now. funny that they're playing against sunderland on sat. finally a match that's not on sunday, 10.55 pm. load up on the snacks!! we're winning this game!

now the injurytime legend is leaving us. the one who scored against bayern in 1999 to bring the trophy back home. the one who had saw a 4-goal spree against Forest and had me screaming the house down.. the one who delivered the FA cup against liverpool.. all in our treble season.. the cherubic angel-face striker who had secured a place in the hearts of all mufc fans.

the myspace page had so many msges left for him. i swear, i nearly cried when i read the first page alone. he will be fondly remembered. after all, he's our super-sub.

i don't think any other club has managed to establish players the way mufc does. people will remember schmeichel for his red ruddy nose, screaming at the players on the pitch and scaring the opposition shitless. or cantona with his i-so-cool-you-don't-wanna-mess-with-me air.. or beckham and his free kicks.. what do you remember abt terry? or henry? that they were good players and capts. but no one makes an impact like the mufc players.

ok, i'm biased, fine. but which arsenal fan can forget how ryan giggs dribbled past their line of 'formidable' defenders to flick the ball into the net all by himself.. see my point? ahahaha.

i suppose i deserve the hate msgs after that bit. buut.. it doesn't change the fact that our dear ole gunner solskjaer is putting up his boots. never will we have another solskjaer. there will be other great players, i know. just none like my angelface.

picture courtesy of manutd.com

****

i love my darlings. they can't stop reminding me why they are so dear to me. they spoil me to bits, checking on me thru msn and sms, being concerned for me, keeping me in their prayers even now when i'm far from them. literally.

yar, we're just separated by the aye and cte. but you cannot deny the fact that tuas isn't very near bras basah. boo.

and we haven't had supper together for such a long time! saturday night! saturday night's alright for supper!

going back to the sleek polished boards..

to the 4 by 4 counts of the silky rhythm..

of cuban beats and grinding sounds..

of twirls and shimmeys and styling spins..

i can't wait.

let's hope that the physiotherapist will do wonders for my back this sat.

121 days more to christmas.

why christmas? i don't know. it's not like i'm still a student in cf. i knew that i looked forward to christmas every year when i was in the cf.. not just christmas..

the camps..

the AGM..

the graduation of seniors..

the start of a new sch year..

then it struck me. it's because of events or days like these where the cfers just get together, squeeze into whatever area that's given to us... and eat.

joking!! we don't just eat.. we chat.. we laugh.. we photo-whore with one another..

i don't know how many afterglows i've organized... did one AGM lunch.. one thanksgiving dinner.. started the post-christmas pre-ny party 'tradition'. i remember our first one was at mich's place where we sat around and watched love actually.. the welcome receps..

gosh.. all the memories. i somehow forget the troubles i've faced during the organizing. i remember being fractic but not the reason behind it. but i remember the events i've organized..

just because the faces of the cfers having a laugh.. just gathering together.. taking that time out to chat and get to know one another better..

i feel sooo blessed that i've had the chance to be part of this fellowship.. that opportunity to serve the girls and the guys. sure, i might have been difficult at times.. obnoxious even.. but they took all my sinfulness in their stride and looking at them, there's no way i could sit at the sidelines and not bother abt them.

sure, there are times where i'm tempted to throw in the towel and tell God that i'll serve Him in my own way.. where i don't have to be committed to any ministry but my own. it disheartens me when i find myself giving but people don't respond. when they don't bother to smile at you anymore.. when they treat you like a stranger after one term.. yet when i look at the existing cfers.. the heart underneath all of them..

never could i leave them. when the girls come to me.. i find it soo hard to push them away even when i'm tired.. i try my earnest best to maintain this camaderie. my Lord never pushed me away.. how can i do that to His people?

121 days more to christmas. let's party. :)

****

on a side note, please pray for me. my lower back's been giving me probs.. the muscle relaxers from the doc are not working. they just make me sleepy. Mr Lim, my sinseh, is scaring me with talk of bunched up nerves and muscle problem.. going to make an appt with the physiotherapist soon. just pray for me that i'll be able to get thru the pain for now.. cos as much as i just wanna lie in bed and not move, it hurts to even toss and turn..