i miss this.

i miss sitting in starbucks, doing my work, then occasionally looking up to watch the world go round outside the glass panes trapping the air-conditioning on a crazy hot sunday morning. it's just a 1.5 hour break in between the crazy housewhole chores while the younger bro has his tuition nearby.

soft strands of jazz music float around lazily while the scent of fresh roasted coffee beans being ground to espresso diffuses the air, accompanied by the blueberry muffin or cinnamon croissant from the oven. i find the sound of the espresso churning and the milk steaming to be really comforting. familiar sounds.. ah. nostalgia. from the corner of my eye, i see a stranger share a space at the sofa with another stranger.

replace the work with a good book and i'd be in seventh heaven. but as the macchiato finally drains from the bitter espresso to the sweet latte at the bottom, i'm shaken back to reality that life isn't all peaches and cream.

time to go stationery shopping. so i can finish up my work in the afternoon at home after more housework. sigh.

bye, starbucks on a lazy sunday late morning early noon. may we meet again.

another rough patch, accompanied with the usual thunderstorm, lightning and inconsiderate cars splashing water on you as they drive past really quickly. a whole month of three different states of insomnia ain't peachy too. you're still physically tired, mentally exhausted and emotionally drained.

it is absolutely miserable when you just miss the people* you care about.

so when that overwhelming feeling was released in prob the most apt moment, i paused in the dead of the night, standing by the road, drenched and make-up ruined from rain or tears (i cldn't tell by then) 'cos the damn umbrella is just plain pointless in the storm.

and i thanked Him.

that even in this shit, He provides relief in small familiar ways. i still remember the childish joy i got from running and playing in the rain. literally dancing too. and whenever something got too big for me, i cried. it's a natural reaction to pain. your nerves and brain still tell you that what's hurting you is still there. but crying acknowledges that you're hurt. simple acknowledgement provides relief that denial can never.

so in that weirdass combination of rain and tears, i found relief. impeccable timing on His part?

I promise you, I'm always there

when your heart is filled with sadness and despair

I'll carry you when you need a friend

you'll find My footprints in the sand

- Leona Lewis "Footprints in the sand"

sometimes all we need is a little reminder of the Big Guy watching over you. i've found His footprints after crawling blindly.

**********

*i didn't intend to post anything tonight. but i just wanted to thank the random people who might have prayed for me or thought of praying for me throughout my month of insomnia. whether to God or their own religious figures.

i appreciate the fact that you thought of me.

strangely, it's the NC peeps who seem to care more. they do regular checks. and when i sent a simple sms the other day, gratitude smses came in bundles. and they seem to remember bits of my life more. like i'd get smses that make me think, "omigosh, they remembered that i was gonna scrub the toilet this weekend?"

not a case of we-see-each-other-24/7/365. hardly, in fact. i rarely see them nowadays. but they know more abt my current life than others. i don't intentionally withhold info from others. it's just.. when something happens to me, i just feel like they'd be there for me more. and they show their care. i never have to assume that they care. i know it. i see it.

to be honest, i never expected these people to care so much. i never expected to be so crazily in love with them. of course they have their piss-me-off moments. but it's ever so rare. i appreciate little things like no last-minute notices. if they know the situation may warrant a last-min notice, they let me know of that beforehand. it's these little things which make me know that they care.

i don't agree with their take on life most times. how they chose to live a life of rebellion. but it touches me that they seem to live rightly, more "rightly" than others, even me at times.

it's like the "Trouble waking up the next day after a heavy night of drinks? Pepp keeps you fresh and alert" advertisement on an insomia-affected girl's facebook wall. Dead irony. sigh.

one of 'em photo trips at raffles place

the term "eye candy" (aka EC) seems lost on a lot of people. like when i tell people i have an EC, the questions they ask seem to suggest that i like the guy. but i don't. i just like his looks.

during a period of my schooling days, there was a particular grp of ECs who made studies a little more bearable. of course my friends were a large factor in making the whole experience bearable. but these guys added to the "nice-to-rest-eyes-on" factor.

of course, i actually knew most of them like hi-bye acquaintances. i wonder if they knew that i found them physically attractive. it's just me. i can find someone physically attractive but not go ga-ga dewy eyed over them. in fact, i put them down teasingly just like i do with any other guy. they never get special treatment.

yar, if i tease you about your looks, it's due to the fact that i do it to every guy, physically attractive or not.

part of me realized that they probably know that they are more attractive than your average guy. their egos can take a beating from just one girl. they probably need it with their "groupies" fanning their pride all the time.

to be honest, i liked one of my ECs. and he broke my heart. like shatter-piang-piang-sob-sob-piang broken. i was too 'fresh' and naive to realize the shit that i had created for myself. it wasn't mutual. i was setting myself up for teenage love-drama-angst moments which just accentuated my retardness as a little girl. (ok, fine, not so little. i was 19.)

pretty much affirms damned cliches like "a world without love is a world without pain".

so like i said, after a long drought of nearly 5 years (ok, there were some who lasted as temporary ECs for a few days), the Big Guy up there provided proper relief. eye candy and ear candy in one. if i had to think of a candy, he's like one of 'em serious big-momma-diabetic-inducing-round-spiral joy candified on a stick. yes, i love 'em big-momma lollies.

i don't know he does it, but he doesn't look dorky when he tucks his polo into his jeans. maybe it's 'cos his jeans sit low. maybe i'm just dead biased. do you believe that i thought he was just a random good looking guy i just happen to have a lost connection with at breadtalk one random morning?

and he's maintaining a goatee!! no, i do NOT have a follicle obsession. i just happen to be impressed if a guy can carry off a goatee well.

but yes, he makes being at the client's place a little more bearable. 'cos i really miss my fellow retards at the production line. i spent the morning with them and omigosh, i was just so grateful for their insanity. they know abt EC. in fact, they've been ribbing me abt "follow-up" actions.

i can't. i won't. he's just an EC. and i don't even wanna know if there's mutual attraction or it's just one-sided. i've gotta be beyond retarded to do that to me again. like i said. i'm fine. REALLY.
plus, who would wanna date their consultant who's from an audit firm?
*******
Random thoughts of the day:

1. after ogling for far too long.. i bought my first lomo camera! ok, i put in an order for a Holga 120GN in a holga spree. along with a multicolor flash and 35mm adapter. let's start small. i'll get the 35mm sprocket adapter and fisheye lens another time. i can't blow my expenditure budget. when i get it, let's go shooting!

2. Bory is an alarm clock. she growls at 11 am. LOUDLY. Jasmine is highly amused by it. i'm just glad one of us is.

3. at 1955 hrs, last day of sept, i typed "shipping" as "shopping". minor mistake ("i" is next to "o" on the keyboard dey..) as compared to my "nebit dotes". but when i saw "shopping", i wanted to crumble and die. i can't wait to go shopping proper..

4. i've exhausted myself. i'm not physically drained but i have no mood to drag my poor multilated emotionally and mentally drained crap wedged in the cervicles of my skull to think more. i wanna run away to redang. NOW. drag my guitar man and leave tomorrow to never come back. like find me a way to sneak to Monaco to live forever and ever.

i am seriously exhausted.

from the shopping in the morning, the work in the middle, then the kitchen after that.. and finally serving the peeps to cleaning up after that. yes, this "little princess" is strangely domesticated.

but it was great fun to be back in the kitchen. the pots and pans, the sound of the crackling pork thrown into oil, the scent of olive oil floating dreamily around and snacking on cherry tomates, baby carrots and mushrooms while cooking. then finally, the faces of contentment as the party tucks in.

exhausting. but i could live to do this. to just cook, wash, clean and serve others all day long. sure, i'm absolutely knackered but it's just.. i don't know. amazing fun. i could do this for the rest of my life: host house parties.

plus Dan had his "101-Qns" game which entertains us to no end. hey, we seriously learn more about each other this way too. i need to write down all his questions and use them at another gathering. ahahaha.

thank you, guys, for letting me host ya all. you guys are awesome. :)

memories of dance millenium 2008

i know i've been ranting abt dance quite a number of times over here. and even to friends around me. but honestly, i just adore it.

so yes, latest updates from this tiny dancer.. she's going for ballroom! and street jazz. or hip hop if that kicks off. i derno. but ballroom is a definite. yea yea!

can't wait! *squealing*

i can't help myself. like he is back. i saw him move across the floor and i was just dumbfounded with a silly smile on my face. like woah man. he was one of the reasons why i decided on waltz. pure elegance. the bunch of them ALWAYS captivate me when they glide so effortlessly across the floor.

anyone else interested? :P

i adore dance. there's something about being able to move to and with the music. the dance floor, the shimmey beats and now, the gliding from one end of the floor to the other end.

and there's something about dancing with someone who can dance. when i first did salsa with glenn as my teacher, i just felt safe. there was full assurance that he'd lead me. that i could trust him. i still remember one day, glenn wanted to stress that the men should be leading and not the ladies, he made the ladies all close their eyes and dance.

i closed it completely. without peeping. 'cos i knew that my dance partner could lead me. just because he was a friend who was somewhat trained in dancing as well. when i salsa-ed with yuan during the break in the competition, i was having fun. similarly, he was trained enough for me to be so sure that he would lead me properly.

when uncle felix was my instructor, i just adored partnering him. 'cos i knew he had enough experience to help me dance. i knew i could trust him. it was how he was able to just lead me and i didn't have to worry about where i was going even though he was swinging me all around the room. when i was doing moves for the first time, i could trust uncle felix to nudge me with a knee or a light pull or push with his hand against mine.

dancing with matt is like dancing with uncle felix all over again. there's that same assurance that he'll take care of whoever he's dancing with. it's how mindful he is of people around and how he hints with just a slightly firmer but still gentle hold as he reduces the stride just so i won't bump into anyone.. how he gently guides with his knee against mine.

i miss dancing with uncle felix!!

but seriously, my girls will prob know the reason for the added "expectation" on my part. i want to trust. i want to be fully assured that when i'm blind, there's someone to lead me. and that i can trust that person to lead me. and that i never have to worry about being in danger.

He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. - Psalm 23:3-4

and i've found Him. that's why it's soooo important to not just accept that i know Him. it's important to know Him as I do as well. so begets more friday night laughs over drinks, my ladies. yes, i'm clueless to hints. but i will always know what i really need. don't worry about me. Really.

btw, thanks. now i'll never listen to "won't go home without you" the way i used to. sigh.

whenever my bus goes by smu, i'm a little more alert because it's always nice to spot a familiar face and share a brief exchange of smiles before the bus ambles away.

looking at the exchange students, memories of sitting at zhong yuan to study in year 1 and watching as "hilfiger" and "D&G" walk past return to haunt me, leaving me with a grin plastered on my face. these guys convinced me that there are men who can actually pull off white capris and look really good.

speaking of exchange students, i have to say that the standards have gone up again. but i'm such a hopeless nut. i can smile at the ok-looking blonde in the gym but i cannot smile at cute brunette on the bus. FAIL!!
anyway, i kid you not when i speak of hilfiger and D&G that way. they looked like they jumped out from GQ casual. makes me wonder where my russian EC disappeared to. sigh...

oh, on a less bimbo/flighty/SPG note, my back is fixed. in one freaking painful session. and it's fixed. but farzad is leaving. who's gonna take care of my back now? before i left his office, he gave me his fatherly exasperated look and tone of voice, "don't fall down anymore."

"i'll try," i grinned back. how was i s'posed to answer? "if i ever trip, i'll shout, 'farzad say cannot fall anymore!!' and defy the laws of gravity."

yar. little miss klutz will try not to fall anymore. try.

on saturday, i didn't fall. i just hit my head with the boot door when closing the boot. my forehead still hurts. oh well. at least it wasn't my spine, right?

121 days and counting..

i'm counting down to christmas like it's next month. christmas never loses its novelty for me. i've never had a white 25 Dec. no slaving over the oven for the whole day to prepare a turducken (ok, i don't think anyone is crazy enough to domestically prepare one..). no roasted chestnuts unless we head over to chinatown and buy a bag of them home..

in fact, christmas has me watching old reruns of muppet's christmas carol, christmas cartoons and "love actually" in the comforts of my home, snuggling on the sofa in my boxers, sloppy tee, hoodie and cushion, while the rain beats viciously on the window panes. prob a hot honeyed tea or chamomile tea or thick viet coffee next to me; then finally concussing on the sofa until i get awaken up to dump the ribs into the oven and cook the sausages.

that's the point of a holiday, isn't it?

i can almost imagine the pitchforks flying my way, asking abt the christmas spirit.

i'm not saying that i throw away the intent of christmas for me to indulge in sloth. i'm just saying that it's a break from the wheels of monotony for me to do as i wish.

i celebrate christmas the way i want to.. for a good 2-3 weeks of december, it's a time of cheer, laughter and rest. all the meet-ups. the falala meals and yummy gingerbread cookies. fab baking sessions in the kitchen to churn out trays of fudge and pretty cupcakes. i hope starbucks has a gingerbread cinamon coffee frappe. or peppermint choc coffee. like mega awesomeness.

all the good cheer and crying babies

over spilt milk and half-eaten santa cookies

candy canes hooked around the shell of your ear

as you nibble away on another old jolly rerun

and despite the gray chill of the rain soaked skies

you hear yourself cry out, "Merry Christmas to all."

"And to all, a good night."

- (c) sk

that covers cheer and laughter. rest? i seek rest badly. people who know what i went thru in '98 and '99 prob understand more why i say that. i'm not just talking abt break from work. it's a break from everything that the world expects of me.. into a world where i'm all i really want to be. at rest.

He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters - Psalm 23:2

that's the kind of rest i want. that kind of serenity and comfort where i'm able to lie down and be led beside calm waters. where i just feel safe with myself and the world. just because i'm at peace with Him.

christmas is a time i remember to look around me and give thanks for the rest. the peace. the holiday helps me go back to the basics of why that child laid to rest away in the manger. back to the simplicity of remembering the joy to the world and the reason why the herald angels sing, "God and sinners reconcile."

reconciled to rest. as long as i keep counting down, i pray that i remind those around of this rest. that those who have not yet come to believe may one day question the simply complex waxing of "religious" carols.

121 days and counting..

been on painkillers for nearly two weeks already. going to see farzad this saturday. hopefully i'll be able to hit the gym next week and start running again. i'm just praying that there's no misalignment along the spine again. it's not life-threatening. just very cumbersome 'cos i haven't worked out since the visit to the gym more than 2 weeks ago. i haven't gone running in a while too, not counting the crazy occasional sprints to catch my bus.

why am i such a gym rat and klutz at the same time? i'm going to scream if i ever put myself in a situation where i don't do cardio or weight training for another long break (read = one month). the many times i pulled my back.. that silly broken wrist.. then the first time my spine was misaligned.. then the fall i took 2 sundays ago and is still causing my saccrum and coccyx to hurt.

i really need to stop frustrating myself like this.. sigh

*****

fyi: i don't like labels pegged to me by people who don't know me for me. the people that i don't worry about are my close friends. i know that while i entertain them in my idle talk abt eel skin pradas and SF varinas, they know it's just talk, mere things that i would like to own but will never indulge in.

i trust these people to never judge me based on my background. i remember sitting around with my thomas the train jie mei and i'm quite sure he was thoroughly entertained by my childhood stories by the questions he kept asking. ya know? i seriously grew up thinking everyone lived the same way that i did.

of course i'm not that naive anymore.

it's been a semi-charmed life for me. with its ups and downs. have i ever used my family to get my way? once. have i ever used my family to get ahead of others? never. i will not put ppl at a disadvantage just to get my way.

my father still holds onto that weathered family tree of my ancestors who first came to singapore. it's just amazing. the book dictates the first two characters of all our names up to generation after mine. not just my dad's side. on my mom's side, direct descendants have their first two characters literally carved into stone on my great grand father's tombstone.

but yes, the book is really quite interesting. i'm quite grateful for it. how many people can actually trace back or have bothered to trace back?

what a week of bust-ups..

the BT corner was created in office. i was taken from the very noisy and lively production line to what we have nicknamed the BT triangle. which means i get my own cubicle. the prob? i'm not used to sitting at the cubicle. so i end up hitting my knees or my foot. the entire week..

my elbows are not spared too. the incessant bumping is driving me mad. come friday, i burnt my lips. what is a girl to do? suck thumb and keep working, what else?

on saturday, i'm helping out for dinner. i'm just stirring the soup and standing innocently next to my mother who was frying the meat. then a blop (yes. BLOP) of oil flew out of the pan and onto my arm. given my deer in the headlight situation, i exclaimed to my younger sister, "TISSUE!! TISSUE!!"

kinda reminded me of my grasshopper moment when all my brain registered was to scream, "GEDDITOFF!! GEDDITOFF!!"

anyway, she got a kitchen napkin for me and passed it to me, no hint of increasing her speed. then she stared at me, "is it hot?"

i stared back, "not anymore."

my younger sister is really quite retarded. she commented about my walking style and my younger bro's walking style. then we replied that she was just jealous cos she had a flat butt. for the rest of the afternoon, she kept hollering at me, "i have a butt!!"

when the two little ones got into a fight, the boy shouted at her, "I'm going to kick your non-existant ass!"

she yelled back, "Kick la! maybe it'll become bigger!"

his retort was classic, "I CAN'T SEE IT!"

the insult took her a second to register. then she let out her war cry and attacked him again.

yday, few of us headed to east coast park. i haven't bladed in 2 years! ok fine, i haven't bladed since i entered university. but i tried ice skating 2 years back. they are quite similar. i ended up falling thrice. the first time was alright. the second, i bled one knee and bruised the other one. my legs are henceforth to be known as Fuls. Fat Ugly Legs.

the third time i fell, i gave up. it was far too painful. i couldn't get up and the pain just shot up my spine. i ended up with a headache soon enough and thiang didn't make it easier by attempting to converse in mandarin.

Right now, my knees are aching and i can't shift in my seat without wincing. i kept waking up in the middle of the night when i turn in bed. i toss and turn quite naturally but the pain at my tail bone was really quite blinding that it managed to wake despite the fact that i'm not a light sleeper. after a while, my eyes were stinging with tears whenever the pain woke me up.

please let the rest of the week be less heart-breaking. no more injuries or blinding pains that leave me really frustrated.

***

on the side note: i've been taken off the bangkok team to be a support in Singapore. i'm giving up the chance to stay at bangkok banyan tree maintain my 6-7 hr sleep instead of 4-hour nighters. don't really know whether to laugh or cry at this point of time. owell.

this morning, i was sorting through some documents. one of the managers walks past me. i smile. he returns the smile then exclaims, "HUAT AH!"

i'm christening him the Huat-Ah! Manager. during the chinese new year party at OPT's, we chatting and anyone who came up to us was greeted with a resounding "HUAT AH!"

i decided to let him in on his new name. his response was a simple, "don't want lah.. but really, today is someone's fortunate day. don't know who but just someone."

then he proceeded to wave his hand in front of me, as if trying to cast a spell and chanted, "huat ah. huat ah."

should i be worrying when my career future lies possibly in the hands of such a manager? ;D

Happy 08/08/08 to all!

another typical day in the office..

Me: (Banyan Tree Al Areen, Bahrain) is a dream vacation.

Colleague: but they don't have a liquor license!

before you misinterpret it, he's not calling me an alcoholic. he just happens to be someone who appreciates having alcohol around when he's on vacation. i do like having it around too. but i won't feel miserable without it. really. the crap that we churn out in office conversations is really quite entertaining.

i mean, how many people can complain to their friends that their friends at work are threatening to drown them in saliva? or to lick and nibble them to death?

anyway, met up with mouse today. she declared that i can no longer own a pair of pretty gold flats. i just buanged my 6-month pair after a run+walk that was less than 30 min. now the front is dislocated from the sole. the back ends of both sides look worse than the ends of my 5 year old levi's. maybe 'cos it's really not hardy since it's not a "durable" pair? i hear the varinas crying for me just as loud as the reventon is calling for me to engrave my name in siver on its black left butt cheek.

Salvatore Ferragamo Varina photo courtesy of http://www.neimanmarcus.com/

Lamborghini Reventon photo courtesy of

http://www.autoclub.com.au/2007/09/lamborghini-reventon.html

do i look like i have the resources to take a picture of the car or varinas by myself? btw, am i the only one here humming the batman tune when i see the car?

but anywayz, my spending is a bit out of hand. i know i got my increment and my bonus but really, i'm going a bit mad with my struggle with vanity. when you're not blessed with beauty and unwilling to go under the knife, you just try to maintain whatever is good, thus my unhealthy obsession with my complexion. it's already good enough. i'm just.. maintaining it?

pray for me. for wisdom to not splurge on fleeting vanity anymore. i've even drawn up a shopping list of things that i actually been wanting to get as replacements of items to be discarded. pray that i keep to it. really. sigh.