Monday morning and i'm in pain. haven't ached this way in such a long time...


but omg, muay thai is rather fun! think I was most shocked when G grabbed the body padding and asked me to kick him. I'm now able to execute a roundhouse kick. probably not the best at it but it was amazing. it was such a rush to punch and kick. the raw tiredness. the dull ache. the impact of skin on skin...

probably a better option than craving the smell of gunpowder and smoke coupled with unbearable heat on the face after a huge-ass mama explosion.


i guess G-san is right. i'm probably more "man" than him. LOL.


on a more girly side note, i really wish BAP was less addictive. so I can sleep earlier at night instead of watching one youtube video after another. don't think i was this mad even with 2PM and Big Bang. kyaaaaah~ i need to get me a busan boy.

B.A.P has been driving me quite mad. and apparently they've been driving people quite mad around the world. considering the fact that they were the top hip hop album in iTunes USA yesterday when "One Shot EP" was released.

Number 1 on iTunes SG to celebrate its release today. YAY!!

there's mad talent in these young ones. song of the moment? BYG's older solo, "I remember", from the Crash single.

I have the original version with Yoseob. I do adore Yoseob's voice. there's a certain whiny-ness that reminds me of GD. then today, I decided that I needed to purchase the track where Daehyun is featured instead. i love B2ST but with Daehyun, it's just called keeping it within the family.


and omg. Daehyun's voice. Yoseob sounds like he's hurting and he wants to make the hurting stop. Daehyun sounds like he's angry that he's letting the pain get the better of him.



i just want to take that Busan kid home and have ice cream with him until we're both happy. amazing amazing song created by BYG and Chance. mad love and respect for them both!

love is buying a hot fudge sundae to keep in the fridge for me to enjoy during bible study because my jaw is aching from the braces. even though it's drizzling and it's a 10-15 min walk from the train station to the house.

to my friends, i'm going to be a little floaty and dreamy for these few weeks 'cos seriously, the pain is ridiculously bad this time round. please bear with me!

i know why i've given up on most english music.

like seriously. at least one One Direction photo will appear on my instagram popular feeds. really? the teeny bopper band that lip synced during the Olympics? I would have rather them tone down their jumping/dancing to sing properly and show the closing ceremony a little more respect. C'mon, you were performing with Brian May and Take That.

the kpop scene doesn't lie about lip-syncing or singing live. there are bands that are known to lip sync so they can concentrate on the dance which is their selling point. for others, you hear their voices disappear to the main track playing when they are dancing. you hear their actual voice rise up against the track playing. you hear the tiredness. you hear the strains. you hear them sing.

there's the added training of writing and composing songs for the younger groups.

sure, 2pm isn't writing their own songs. but they are moving in that direction. you see some of their names appear as lyricists and composers as they spend more time in the studios. and it's decent songs.

and there's Big Bang. with the mad talented Kwon Ji Yong. the blonde rapping wonder who writes his own songs on his own album. before i even knew he was writing the songs, he was my favorite. this pint size bundle of energy was leading the group to do wonders on stage.

then B.A.P breaks out on the scene in early 2012. a young group addressing themes like societal judgement, being trapped by rules that don't make sense, running towards their dreams, rising up against the challenges. the most intense songs were about stalking and then revenge on a lover. eerie lyrics with such emotions behind the deep husky rap by the leader. so since the leader, another blonde yummy rapper and my fave, is just a 22-yo, i thought to enjoy their music without thinking about the lyricists or composers.

when watching their very first showcase on youtube last night, i realized that my favorite 22-yo contributed as lyricist for ALL THE SONGS.


what the hell?

such raw talent. and he knows that he's still lacking. he looks back on his older songs, critiques them, and pushes himself further. he was already my fave before i knew how talented he was.



forget english songs

i'm in love with my blonde talented rappers. hahahahahaha.

having missed morning service yesterday, I headed over to church in the afternoon for the afternoon service with questions from the previous week sermon. I had to get my answers from Denesh so I dragged myself to church.

when I got there slightly late due to the jam, I found myself sitting in the middle of two of my favorite boys from Uni days. it felt like 2006/2007 all over again.

Then our closing song? "Servants of the gospel". our "anthem" back then. I smiled inwardly.

it felt like university again. surrounded by familiar and unfamiliar faces. cheeky smses circulating before and after the sermon. a message so resounding. songs that remind me i'm not alone in this walk..


i'm home. after the prayers and consideration in December, i'd made that decision to move. and now, i'm home. ^-^

During QT yesterday while reading John 4, i got to this part:

A woman from Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, “Give me a drink.” (For his disciples had gone away into the city to buy food.) The Samaritan woman said to him, “How is it that you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a woman of Samaria?” (For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.) Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.” (John 4:7-10)

my stupid brain then went:

"hey, remember Secret Garden? When Joo Won told Gi Ra-In to follow him and she asked him who he was that she should follow? Then Joo Won told her that if she knew who the person asking her to follow was, she would apologize and ask to go with him?"


i stopped short and looked up from the passage… wtf, brain??? urgh.

Spending the end of 2012 and the start of 2013 in Hong Kong was simply... incredible. mad fun. insane love for my friends who are in Hong Kong. one of the best trips i've done in a while, the last being Melbourne with the girls.

that ridiculous hike in Sai Wan, reminding me that there is an intelligent design behind the scenes, moulding each mountain and valley. that there is an intelligent design behind why things work. reminding me that there is an intelligent designer behind it all.

and i'm still amazed by how easily the few of us re-connected despite not seeing one another since graduation when they moved to Hong Kong to work. the conversations flowed so easily. and everyone would quieten down when the food arrives. and automatically, someone will take the lead and say a prayer for the food and the friendships that we formed so many years ago.

such a far cry from our uni days where the slowest to respond would be the one to pray for everyone before the meal. like praying was such a hard thing.

gone are those days.

in place of that, i see young adults absolutely grateful and thankful for friends, food, and well, life in general. that in the ugliness and nastiness, we have it good. and we thank God for all that, never stopping to pray for those in need when we can't physically lend a hand or voice.

it's been an awful end of the year. with all the dismal and depressing news. the usual question of "if God exists, why is there pain? especially during the time we remember his birth?"

on a side note, i've never maintained that Christmas is the day Jesus was born. for as long as i've been a Christian, Christmas has always been the day to remind me to continually remember that Jesus was born.

but back to the point of suffering, i remember reading CS Lewis' (bless that dear man) "Problem with Pain". the summary of it was simply, it had to happen. for us to understand blessing. for us to understand grace. for us to realize what fallen creatures we are. for us to appreciate what God has done by sending His son to die on the cross and make things right in His time.

I still grapple with that fact every day. why me? why not someone else? why not those crying for help? why make the pain of others so incredibly painful?

honestly, i never have an answer for that. i'm completely unworthy of His grace. completely undeserving. completely unable to comprehend the design that brings joy to some and pain to others.

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! “For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?” - Romans 11:33-34

may i continue to grow more and more this year. to continue seeking to understand more. to question more. to learn more. that i may learn to appreciate the design that's set so many things in motion. this is my prayer.

Giving this Christmas

in the midst of the Christmas spending spirit...

in the midst of thinking of gifts to give to people...

my Reuters correspondent updates me on depressing world news...

10 Afghan girls are killed when collecting firewood.

a blast in Kabul kills one and injures 15.

15 others die in a bomb blast in a Pakistani market


All these after a weekend of the Connecticut shooting and China slashing news.

i'm depressed by all the news. and embarrassed by what i consider to be problems in my life. how tiny and significant they suddenly seem.



But say a prayer
Pray for the other ones
At Christmas time, it's hard
But when you're having fun
There's a world outside your window
And it's a world of dreaded fear
Where the only water flowing
Is a bitter sting of tears - Band Aid "Do They Know It's Christmas"


while we get the joy and the warmth of Christmas, some where out there, people don't seem to remember that it's Christmas. and because of that, others will never know Christmas. i don't understand the need for the hurt. i don't understand the need for the pain.

but i understand the need for prayer for this fallen nation of men all over the world. and i'm praying ever so fervently. time to really think about giving back.

so to the readers here, whoever you may be, i implore you to give.

each year, during Christmas, World Vision beefs up their gift catalogue, both internationally and locally. and it's really not that expensive. a water filter for a school in myanmar is $11 (yet we seem less hesitant to throw money at shops in Singapore). plus there's the ongoing child sponsorship.



it's almost depressing that we need such awful news to jolt us and remind us to give. but better late than never. it is after all Christmas time. it really is time to give.

my friend shared that she was having a meal at far east one day with another friend. when they asked for the bill, the staff told them that their bill had been taken care of.

according to the staff, an old man goes there often to eat. he then pays for another random table along with his food. and then he simply leaves a card,without a name, asking people to pay it forward.

my friend did of course pick another table.

it's these little stories that warm my heart. and how timely, during this season of giving.

Thank you, dear man, whoever you are and wherever you are. in a world of scrooges and hardened hearts that scrimp and keep wealth to themselves, your little anonymous action has touched my heart. thank you for inspiring.

there are times where life can be so amazing that you think it's unreal. just like the lotus i captured from home. my dad's lotus had bloomed in October. the colors are far too breath-taking. people thought it was a photo of a painting until they notice the metal grill that fenced our garden.

yet there are times where the opposite can be so painful that you wish it was unreal.

at the funeral wake last night, it pained me to see my cousin crying over the coffin. my mom could only offer cliche words of condolences like, "you did the best you could to make her last days good ones". what else could anyone say? he really did give his all. i kept silent. i never know what to say at funeral wakes.

i didn't even dare walk up to the coffin where his wife laid in.

they never had kids. i know they tried but it never happened. and now she's gone. and he's alone. every thing felt so surreal. almost too fast even though it's been sooo many years.

of course we wished she was still around. that every thing that had happened wasn't real. that the doctors didn't give up on her. that she was still in Japan getting treatment and getting better. wish that the stomach cancer never happened.

i glanced over to my cousin at the wake a couple of times. he was a wreck, still living in disbelief. thankfully his siblings had rallied their own children to keep vigil with him and watch over him.

perhaps it's God's way of jolting me to understand reality. to remind me that it's the happy things that make us aware of the sad things. and it's the sad things that make us appreciate the happy things. and in their own way, all things are beautiful.


may i keep remembering to see the beauty in all things good and bad, Lord. please help me to keep remembering it.

i saw this off facebook.

in the midst of all the fb likes, shares and "aw" comments, i'm frowning.

so if you really are a selfish scumbag who's an absolute asshole, love means that you don't have to change?

love is not a means to an end. love doesn't make one feel wanted or needed. love doesn't exist just so one will always have company. love is not selfish.

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." - 1 Cor 13:4-7

love is painful. love will hurt. love leaves you empty, knowing that you've given everything and will not get anything in return. love expects nothing in return, not company, not even reciprocated love.

people expect all that. love doesn't.

and simply because of that, love will change people. whether we like it or not.

"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us." - 1 John 4:16-19

personally, i only know love because i know Him. i love because He loves me, not because i've received love in return from the people around me. so in moments where i feel alone, desolate and forsaken by people, i still love them. even if people don't realise that love comes in different forms. even if people don't agree with how i show my love for them. even if people can't tell that that's how i can best love them. i do still love them in my way.

because love has changed me for who i really am. simply because God is God.

without doubt, my favorite female band. of all time.

i never ever had a favorite female band. i have songs i like from female bands but 2NE1... just too amazing to not love. brilliant songs. breath-taking vocals. insane rap and dance from CL and Minzy..

so when S told me that she had a spare complimentary ticket for me, i absolutely jumped at the chance to attend the concert. which meant rushing home after a wedding recep to change and jump into cab to get myself down to the indoor stadium. all that despite a headache and tiredness.

absolutely worth all the weariness.

concert was supposed to start at 7pm. just before 7, the lights dimmed and the music videos projected on the screen were blasting around the stadium versus the much lower volume it was at. after 2 songs, the lights dimmed further... and the poker card symbols flashed on the large screen. blackjacks in the stadium rejoiced.

most punctual concert ever. to think i was impressed by Big Bang for treating me to 15 min of MVs before they came on. 2NE1 is da shyte yo.

it was pure entertainment. being the last concert of their global tour and for the year, CL promised a party. and the group delivered. their live band on stage was just as amazing.

at the end, there was a planned encore, as with all k-wave bands. the bouncing castle slide setup on stage was so psycho. the girls did their two planned encore songs, thanked everyone and returned backstage. some fans left, majority stayed and asked for more.

the girls came back on, beaming. Dara had tears streaming down her face as she grinned at the mad crowd. S and I started tearing up. before they performed, CL turned to her live band just to make sure that they were okay with still performing. TOO RIDICULOUSLY POLITE!

the girls treated the crowd to another three songs. it was a crazy 2.5hr concert. when i left, my ears were ringing, my throat was sore and i had a mad headache from dehydration. the professionalism of the girls left me so impressed. and the entertainment value.. YG Entertainment never fails to deliver.

man.. if only I was free for Shinee this weekend...