In a societal pond where the paper chase is endless and degrees, masters and phds are somewhat revered, there's a ripple on the surface.

we are now told that you can't eat a paper. that it's what you do about your situation that defines you are in life. that regardless of the education you have received, you can achieve things. you can be a better person.

and I believe that. I see the man sweeping the street with his head bowed in shame. yet when I give him a small smile as I pass by, his face lights up with a smile in return. that versus the numb faces of the  'highly educated' people in the office building lift, all buried in the brain-washing glow of their smartphones.. nary a smile or a small nod to say good morning.

there is a ripple.

people coming out to share success stories of how they beat the odds and came out from the runt that they were shoved into. people of authority telling us to acknowledge the talents in what society views as "less educated".


then I talk to people 'on the inside' and they don't buy it. their unchanging perceptions remain that these people are less educated because they are not equipped to cope with education and as such, are condemned to a lifetime of being unable to comprehend simple english or logic thinking.


and I'm reminded... it's only a ripple. it disturbs the surface. it spreads for a while. then it disappears, as though it's never been there. that's all a ripple does.

society needs more than just a ripple. sigh.

Come back when you hear this song
Wherever you are, whoever you’re with
I’m sorry, so come back
I’m regretting, so come back
Come back when you hear this song
Wherever you are, whoever you’re with


oh my dear boys, I never left. even though you made me wait for 2 years, I never really left. even more so when your first comeback stage is on such an amazing day.

absolutely trippin' with excitement. whee~

so talking about the strange otp (own-team-pairing) that crazy hallyu fans put their favorite singers in...

the jonghyun-taemin ship came up. I don't know how this otp came about but I guess it's got to do with the fact that they are the only two in SHINee to share a room. the other 3 boys have their own rooms. furthermore, there was the extremely hot Internet War performance where both boys were caught up in the moment and actually 'kissed'. not french. not snog. but their lips met. briefly.

(read here for the madness and some fancams of the performance) 

still, it hasn't stopped them from performing the song over and over again at their concerts and also at SMTown Live.

so I decided to show OmmaS over googlechat an extremely explicit gif (link in the conversation below) that was dedicated to the Internet War performance between my two favorite performers in the group.

and this conversation ended up happening...


me:

and the reason why the jongmin ship is sailing to the ends of the world
http://thekpopdoctor.tumblr.com/post/49140124376/buing-iton-oppa-dinopuppyjonghyun-jongtae
(after 1 min)  i hope your screen isn't blown up..

OmmaS:

IT TOTALLY IS!!!!!
AND I'M TRYING TO SCROLL DAMN FAST

me:
OMG!

OmmaS:
BUT IT'S ALL SO BIG!!!

me:
minimize!! MINIMIZE!!!

OmmaS:

I'M SCARED TO TURN AROUND NOW
some colleague standing there will be giving me strange looks

me:
shit. i'm laughing so hard now i'm tearing

OmmaS:
I HATE YOU!!!!




the shit we get up to... HAHAHAHAHAHA. I love my omma.

on saturday, over tea with the family, the uncle asked the younger brother when he was going to get married. we chatted a bit about it and then i remarked that he was still a student. without a house and without money, he wouldn't be getting married any time soon.

my uncle turned to my brother, "better than some people. got house and got money still cannot find someone to marry."

then he looked at me and laughed.

F****** ASSHOLEEEEEEE

I love my uncle. I know he's joking. but that was such a low blow and uncalled for. so I smiled at him and turned to talk to my sister instead.


I'm sorry that I'm not sorry for my "high" expectations. but it is just that hard to find someone who I can talk to and trust to keep me on the right path towards God. especially when guys around me keep cementing the fact that they are assholes.


men. pfffft.

I've been seeing a post pop up suddenly on my fb newsfeed. about why and how women should travel alone.

and it's all by girls who are suddenly(?) inspired to travel alone.

(honestly, the article is more what girls should do when traveling alone than why girls should travel alone)

her point was about "being a bad ass" read: here

I frowned when I was done with the article. firstly, where was this article back in 2007 when almost everyone was freaking out about me going to Taipei alone? secondly, I don't think she's traveled alone enough to understand what it means and how much more enriching it is to travel alone. or she just didn't put it down in words.


it's true that you don't have to answer to anyone when traveling alone and you can be "selfish" for once. that's what I felt the first time I traveled alone. when I was planning. knowing that I could wake up each day with no agenda and just do whatever I wanted to. that freedom was incredible.

but traveling alone is more than just a "bad ass" experience.

I've always known that I'm responsible for myself and no one should be burdened for my sake. but that struck me even more when I was really completely alone in a country with no one to rely on. I'm responsible for how I feel. I'm responsible for myself and no one should have to look out for me or take care of me. I shouldn't count on others to change things for me.

Since then, that insatiable thirst to be alone grew. I ate alone more. I started going out alone. I was no longer ashamed of telling people that I was alone in town or having dinner or having lunch. instead, I started to feel sorry for people who thought it was sad to be alone.

one of life's biggest lesson is learning to love yourself enough to be comfortable with being by yourself. and traveling alone taught me that.

of course I have my lonely moments. but loneliness and being alone are two very different things. I can be surrounded by familiar faces and feel lonely and sad. I can also be walking down the empty rose garden near Hyde Park myself and feeling absolute peace and glee.

and honestly, words cannot describe the change in a person's mindset when traveling alone. not just for women, but for the men too. to find comfort in solitude. of course there are only so many cherry blossom streets you can walk before all the couples around you make you depressed. but that's another story.

so go forth, people! travel alone!

why do I love such an insane(ly talented) man?



mad beats. killer bass. truly maddening

from following him to feed stray cats..

to trying mystery meats on his plate to make sure it's fish..


to now doing a body check to make sure there are no cockroaches on him.



even with all the strange names you coin for me each time, thank you for making my work days a little more fun each time. ^-^

random bimbo thoughts:

(1)
I hope to find a way where running with long hair is not a pain. buns don't work. braids don't work. and when it's in a normal ponytail, it's slapping and sticking on my shoulder. I've invested too much to get it to this length. I'm not cutting it. (totally understand why girls on ANTM break down when their long locks are chopped above their shoulders..)

maybe I should start wearing t-shirts with sleeves to run.

(2)
despite the weighing scale screaming "RUN, FAT GIRL, RUN!!!" at me, people have been telling me that I've lost weight since November. including people who see me regularly.

that's a good thing, right?

please don't say otherwise when I come back from eat-all-the-fried-chicken-drink-all-the-beer-for-supper land. T-T

candid phone photo during baptism service last Sunday @ YWCA

just a day before good Friday and unlike other years, I'm heading to a friend's church for service tonight. Mandarin service, no less. I think my eyes will be widening a lot not because of what that is taught but because my stupid brain can't translate fast enough.

another thing different? the questions I've gotten today.

why today? what's the significance? so how is Sunday different from Friday? why does He give me life only to reject me on my deathbed?

I've never been so careful in picking the words to say. I know he's asking because he genuinely wants to understand. not to fight with me. not because he wants to believe. not because he wants to find ways to beat it down. he simply wants to understand what I'm thinking. no strings or conditions attached. and our working relationship makes it so easy for us to sit down and consider all these things, most of the time agreeing to disagree, and still work together over projects.

so I shared a little with the CG girls. to ask them for their prayers that I'd continue to be wise and gentle in my words. no emotional blackmail. no "this is what I experienced". simply, "this is what the bible says". (whether the bible is the truth or not, that's something my friend has to resolve with himself.)

then one of the girls shared her struggles.

honestly, it makes me so incredibly thankful to watch people frown and mull over the word. I still struggle with the word. I struggle with it every day of my life. what God says. what God commands. what God thinks. it always reminds me of a conclusion I came to after talking to a Brother.

I struggle because I care. the day I stop struggling is the day I become indifferent to the word: the day I become indifferent to God.

I pm'ed the girl. assured her that her struggles were not unfounded. that it's natural. so we're going to meet up. to talk about our struggles. to work together to understand better what Christianity means.




I don't think I've ever been more excited in my life. ^-^

there is peace and joy to be found in the little things in life.

I've started to pick up the pen again. but instead of words, i've been mindlessly doodling. the usual nonsense. swirls. strange patterns. little shadow figures.

it doesn't mean anything to anyone but these little things make my day a little more bearable. maybe i should start painting again. i haven't picked up a brush for ages. like since secondary school. and i used to paint all the time as a kid. what happened? art classes happened. ahahahaha.

but really, it's the little things in life that can bring simple joy.


like the other night, i was at the cab stand, trying to get home. the cab arrived and said it was heading to Orchard, which i wasn't. three persons from the party of 5 behind me said they were going to Shangri-La. so they took the cab. when the next cab came, i asked the remaining couple where they were headed to. they said Shang as well. so i asked them to share the cab with me since it wasn't too out of the way.

in the cab, i learnt more about the elderly couple. they were both from UK and moved to Perth in 1981. today, they are semi-retired with gorgeous kids and grandchildren. with time on their hands as all they have now is their small family business, they've been traveling around Asia. before Singapore, they were in Hanoi and Malacca. and i had managed to catch them on their last night in Singapore.

When we were reaching the hotel, the lady told the gentleman to "remember to pay for the ride". i rejected their offer, saying that they were guests. to take the trip as a gesture to remember Singapore by. the gentleman laughed and scolded me as he handed me a $10. I insisted that it was too much and a $5 would suffice. he laughed again and thanked me as he jumped out of the cab, leaving the $10 behind.

when i reached home, the cab fare was a mere $12.50. the detour didn't add much to the value so i handed the cab driver $20, telling him to keep the change. he stared at the money in shock and told me it was too much. i laughed and told him that the tourists had given me too much anyway and that it may make his night just a little shorter.

it's the little things.

the other day when heading to S's house for dinner on the train, this man near me started coughing violently. his whole body wrecked with each cough. looking old, thin, tanned and not exactly very clean, i watched as the working adults moved away from him uncomfortably. it wasn't that he was coughing with his mouth open. he covered his mouth carefully and was trying to hold back the coughing fit as his whole body shook. people still inched away and gave him weird stares.

my stop was next so i hurriedly dug through my bag for tissue to hand to him. no tissue, damnit. i saw him get off his seat and head to the door just as my fingers closed over a small medicine pack. i still had my herbal lozenges from the doctor's.

we both got off the train and i quickly took out the medication and tore off a little strip of lozenges. i walked towards him and handed it to him. he stared at me. i smiled, completely uncertain if he understood much english, "medicine. for your cough. your throat."

the man took the medicine, stared at it for a second before turning back to look at me, a bright smile on his face, "Thank you. God bless you, dear. Thank you."




i don't get happiness from their happiness. my day is made better knowing that i have the opportunity to make someone's day better and i used that opportunity. i don't even feel immense glee knowing that i helped. instead, there's a small joy that comes from the peace within.

D asked me why i share these little stories with others. i told him that i wanted people to know that these are little things that have no impact on us but amazing impact on those who receive a little love. that it's not hard to extend a hand and a little heart to these strangers. i wanted to share how easy it is to help.


it really is the little things that bring the peace which leads to simple joy.

so on Sunday after class, i stepped on the weighing scale. the last time i stepped on a scale was in Nov after i horrendously recovered a little too well after the bout of gastric flu and food poisoning.

maybe it was all the water i was chugging during the break.. but.


omg. all that hard work. and i'm not even at my ideal mark? wth? all i did was lose 1 kg since Nov. really??


on hindsight, i was at my ideal weight when i had that 2-week long stomach flu. when i had no appetite and couldn't eat without the food coming back out.

and judging by the way i was stuffing my face before dinner yesterday...

i wish i didn't love food so much. T-T

after a supposed night of chilling turned into something way madder, i really need to give my body a break.

i don't recover as fast anymore. damnit. i need to practice self-control in front of champagne.


on the other hand, i'm still amazed at the internal clockwork that decides enough is enough and sends me home in one piece even without others knowing. waking up in my own bed at 3 am to see a flurry of texts from everyone asking me where i am from midnight onwards... it just happens.

i'm not taking it for granted. God has been good to me but i don't want the day to come where i can't find my own way home. sigh. self-control.. self-control.