knocked out on the bus as usual. wasn't hard since the bus was really cold.

when I woke up, I looked around. I was about three stops from getting off. and there was a warmth pressed against my side. I turned. a boy that had gotten onto the bus one stop after me and who took the seat next to me had fallen asleep, pressed against my arm , his head dangerously close to my shoulder. he looked so tired and I didn't have the heart to push him away.

of course the superficial part of me didn't mind that he was cute.

I turned back to look out of the window, watching the rain fall outside as he leaned against me, nodding away. when it was time to make my way to the door, I shifted. he woke up groggily before he stared at me, a little embarrassed. he apologized and I smiled before getting up to move to the door. just as I stood up, I noticed the lady standing in front of us staring between us, her eyes widened and her mouth slightly opened. as if she didn't expect to see him apologizing to me.

I got off the bus and while using my umbrella to shield myself from both the vicious wind and rain, JYP Nation's "This Christmas" started playing on my mp3 player.


well played, God, well played.

pillow fights

arcade madness

yelling 'jinx' at one another

biting, shoving, butt slapping

continuing each other's jokes

stuffing our faces silly

driving through town to watch the Christmas lights

cuddling on the sofa just because someone's sick

frustration and anger that never lasts for more than half a day

laughing about old episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S on the train while everyone else thinks we're mad

sitting in the parking lot and refusing to get out of the car because the song on the radio is awesome and we're too busy singing along (see example below)





I would not trade anything for my siblings. as much as we joke about trading one another for true love or a harem of young gorgeous men or Taylor Swift, I would not trade them for anything in the world. nothing.

after about 4 months of being holed up with no life except for dinners with close friends and drinking at home with the family, I am a social wreck.

I don't know how to make small talk with strangers. I don't know how to smile. I can never flirt again. if my friends even want to call me to come out of my blanket fort where I plan to surround myself with my nespresso machine and variations of beer and cider for the next few months... this will be me.

I don't even feel embarrassed by this shit. I'm doomed.

been spamming Christmas songs and Rainy Mood in office. i'm in my own little corner with my Starbucks, banana nut crunch, music, and feeling happily festive.



it's always my favorite time of the year. i may not be somewhere cold and pretty now..

and even with all the turmoil and dark events around, Christmas always reminds me that there's a little hope for a better tomorrow. I don't always understand why things happen the way they do... but I know there's that little hope that things will turn around one day and I will fully be able to grasp the beauty of His creation.

Zico in "Dead Leaves"

Remember, being alone and being lonely can be two very different things. ^-^

so Sunday is always dinner time with the family. and this happens when there's prawn served:

aunt: why are you not eating the prawn? 

me: I've taken one already.

aunt: take more. there's three for each.

me: I can't. I'm allergic to prawn, remember?

aunt: since when?

me: since more than a year ago?

aunt: but we always order prawns when we eat out in restaurants-

me: -and I always never eat it

aunt: are you sure?

me: yes. and we have this conversation every time there are prawns


hi, do I look like I will create an allergy to not eat something I adore? like I'm mad enough to decide that I'm allergic to it and not eat hokkien mee and prawn noodle soup which happen to be my two favorite hawker dishes? It's been about one and a half years since I found out about my allergy. if my friends don't remember, I don't really mind. and usually they don't. but when I remind them, they are always apologize because at the back of their minds, they do know it.

yet my own aunts will never remember it. and then it's suddenly my fault for not reminding them and causing them to cook more. and my fault that I have an allergy.


right. they are seriously going bonkers.

"Simple things like going home, and friends who say you're not alone, and songs of joy that keep you strong make everything okay. oh, and Santa's on his way" - Glee

November has been a tiring month. getting back to the office.. paranoia at not knowing the healing stage I was at... personal battles.. health scares from the mother's medical report..

December is looking up, thankfully. I can slowly start walking normally. in two months, I can try jogging to test my foot... worries of cancer and other kidney problems were dissolved this morning at the hospital..

the personal battles are still there but if i can deal with all the environmental worries, surely I can deal with the personal ones. still, it'll be nice to feel like less of a burden and a little less lonely during this period after a very tiring November.

with the upcoming Christmas and new year, may I learn to better deal with all the shit like I did as a child. May I stop growing too old and start remembering what it means to be a little stronger again.

Was on the bus on the seats for the needy so I naturally gave my seat up when I saw an elderly man get on. The younger man next to me saw me shift and hurriedly gave me his seat, thanks to my cast. Sounds good?

No.

Another elderly woman got on so I decided to give her my seat. The elderly man forced me to sit and gave up his own seat. OMG the horror. I tried to tell him I was okay but he kept his hand on my shoulder, telling me to sit.

When another seat freed up, I immediately told him. He then said it was his stop. Before he got off, he told me to take care of my foot.

Shit. The guilt. OMG THE GUILT.

原來我只是突然累了
原來我不說了
原來我撐著撐到麻了
原來我不...

算了

I watch Awkward. Or at least the first season. because Jenna is such an awkward little puppy with voices in her head putting herself on the pedestal and then ripping herself off with her own self-deprecating humor.

much like someone I know very well.

with the bullies, stupid emotional roller-coasters, voices in head... all of it.

but I only just found this song today. apparently it was on Awkward. right. for a girl that googles the internet until she finds the title of the strange beautiful song on Scrubs, how did I miss this one? ok, I guess I got bored of Awkward now that her life isn't as awkward anymore.

still.. this is a nice song. completely worth sharing.




Fighter, Fighter
You told me we were fighters, fighters
Lover, Lover
We ended just as lovers
We let the night get away to somewhere better than here
We let the night, get away

I'm not a fan of her shows and most of her performances.

But I love her voice. I wish she did more stuff like this:

Today, you stared at my fracture and asked me questions about it. Then after running around, you came to me, to sit between my legs and play with my phone. When I moved to lean against the sofa, you crawled after me to stay between my legs and arms, leaning back into me as you watched your TV programs.

All after you threw an ugly tantrum just half an hour earlier.

Just so you know, you're such a little brat. But you're my brat and I love you to death. Please come visit me more, kid!