Things to remember...

Analyze your behavior constantly. When you think little of others, use the same yardstick to measure yourself. You usually fall short too.

If someone tells you to change a behavior, stop defending yourself. Stop putting that person down.

Here's a wild idea. Listen.

Listen to the person. Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Don't assume that you are the victim right away. Pay attention. Usually, the person is saying that you are not the problem. It's the action you took. And that can be rectified.

So listen.

Because it takes more guts to tell someone that a behavior is upsetting you, and yet so easy to whine and complain to people who have no power to make a situation better. All you are doing is feeding your ego based on your perceptions and assumptions when you make yourself into a victim.

Remember, listen.

Check yourself all the time. Don't be a doormat but don't be too ready to argue when people are brave enough to want to tell you things to improve on. Those things could be helpful to your relationship with people.

Accept criticism with an open mind and willing heart. Be a person that others will not fear to correct because they know that you want to improve yourself.

Fucking make yourself a better person. Listen.

some times it can feel so incredibly lonely.

misunderstandings happen when people don’t listen. and these worsen when people refuse to let go of their baggage and listen.

aren’t friends supposed to trash things out to resolve matters and be better friends? Isn’t that an unspoken rule that when one is uphappy with an action, you talk to the other and talk about how to avoid that action?

Isn’t communication the most important part of friendship?

yet at these times, all I get is a sense of betrayal. a sense of backstabbing without any desire to gain more understanding.

how hard is it to see that my frustration isn’t what you did? Why do you not listen to me when I say that the problem is that you didn’t tell me what you did? haven’t I said time and time that communication is important? why do you shut me out and run around telling people that you are upset by me instead of telling me that I’ve upset you? why do you not want to resolve things between us? why do you not want to talk or listen?

maybe I was never considered a friend despite how I’ve tried to change based on your feedback of my character. the first time you saw a change in my behavior, your response was an offended “what are you up to?”. I told you that I was consciously trying to change because of what you said. and you threw me a look of disbelief, immediately assuming that I was mocking you.

perhaps I’m the deluded one. perhaps I need to start being a little more skeptical of the people around and stop thinking the better of them. perhaps I need to surround myself with those not afraid to tell me when I’m wrong and are not upset when I tell them when they are wrong.

perhaps I need to protect myself a little more.

You know when I'm tired. You know all my headaches. You've been there through all my hyperventilation moments. You've seen all the times I've cried and felt so alone.

And each time, I hear Your voice call me, telling me You know everything I've done for you. You hold my hand and wipe those tears. You tell me it's ok to be weak because You have all strength in the world to carry me through it even when I am blind to Your deeds.

You put people in my life who remind me of all that. You give me friendly faces and smiles of encouragement. You provide prayer partners who right my wrongs.

Thank you. Truly.. thank you, God.

17 years on and this song still makes me excited.



We must be swift as a coursing river
With all the force of a great typhoon
With all the strength of a raging fire
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon..


wait. wtf. 17 YEARS?!?!

Thoughts for the night.

Everyone does things for others that somehow benefits themselves. Where there's value to them, including a sense of "I have put others before me."

What separates a true child of God from everyone else is that eternal struggle to remember that these benefits are a "nice to have" and not the motivation for the actions.

"We love because He first loved us."

We love not for the love we get in return. Not for the rewards that our actions beget. Not for that self appreciation of our selflessness. But because He loves us. All that feel nice emotions should happen because of our actions. And not that our actions happen because we want those feel nice emotions.

Keep on remembering. Keep on keeping on.

part of a local cartoon dialogue..

A: eh! Snoopy!

B: you know I don't like that name!

(...)

B: my grandmarder likes Charlie Brown okay!

A: my parents like Chuck Norris but they also never call me Delta Force!



I laughed. I actually laughed at this shit. that Delta Force link killed me.

and then I realized that majority of Singaporeans don't even know the connection between Chuck Norris and Delta Force, assuming they even know who Chuck Norris is to begin with. oh goodness.

so that I don't forget it...

58 words to think about!

it's that time of the year again.

Christmas lights. roasted chestnuts and hawkers yelling for you to buy their gao laks. overeating.

another time to think about what you've done for the year.

it does feel fake. to only start thinking of giving back to the community this time. especially since I haven't written to my child in a while. I do owe her an apology note and a nice long letter. maybe a little something even though I have no idea what she needs. I should really ask her about that.

other than the child sponsorship, I take this time to give a little more in return. it's really not hard. not hard at all. for people with starhub accounts, it's almost no effort. you can use your starhub accounts reward points to exchange for a donation. and even enjoy double tax deductions on your donation amount.

then there are plenty of organizations in Singapore who appreciate monetary donations. salvation army and the thrift shop at SCWO take donated items as well. of course, don't use them as your dumping ground. that's just being an asshole. you have a bin for that.

got your eye on the world? there's WWF. UNICEF. World Vision. donations here aren't tax deductible because they are not Singapore IPC registered charities. but really, that shouldn't be stopping you. Unicef and World Vision make it incredibly easy. instead of just giving money, you can buy gifts for specific purposes for specific nations that you are passionate about. UNICEF has the inspired gifts and World Vision has their life changing gifts.

the main point is to start giving if you aren't.. which would you choose? that $5 bill rebate or $5 donation to a charity under the Starhub Rewards?

"in our world of plenty, we can spread a smile of joy"

and if you are already giving, what's stopping you from giving just a little more during this period to remind them that it's Christmas after all.

"but say a prayer pray for the other ones"


there are times i think i'm doing enough to make a difference. sponsor a child. disaster relief. even something as inconsequential to me like giving up a seat, helping someone on the street that needs help. but at Christmas, it hits me hard that I'm not lacking in my needs. it hits me even harder that I can do just that little bit more but yet I'm not doing it.

so this is my plea to whoever is out there reading this. i hope this spurs you to start giving or giving a little more. i'm not perfect and i'm working on it as well. let's do this together. :)

"And I know you love Shrek, 'cause we've watched it twelve times.
But, maybe you're hoping for a fairy-tale too"

in other news, I wish I could flip off the sun. even the wind is hot. URRRRRGH.

"Times have changed and you can no longer afford to put everything on your own shoulders and be the only sacrifice. Even the happiness of one person is complicated these days. If you should fall as a sacrifice, the young lady who came to Kyoto with the one wish of seeing you will, without a doubt, be devastated by that loss. Think about it! No matter how powerful you become, you're still just a human being. Do not ever try to become something more than that." - Hiko Sejiro

In 1996, I learnt from Kenshin that to protect others, I needed to protect myself. Or I would not be able to be there for those I love.

"I see now that the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant; it is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are." - Mewtwo

In 1998, I learnt from Pokemon that despite my past and how I started out in life, it's the what I do today and tomorrow that really defines me more than anything else.

"The only thing that the people left behind can do is to remember them and not forget them. Bart, you have taken on the flame of her soul. Your life is no longer just yours now. Now lift your head. Embrace the memories and move forward. For her sake as well. There's no need to hold back. Cry as much as you want. Tears you shed for others are not something to be ashamed of." - Captain Magno

In 2000, I learnt from Vandread that all the times I've let myself cry... Is a sign of weakness on my part. It's an emotional engagement that I can't escape, be it to feel the pain on behalf of people or to feel the loss of someone.

In 2004, when I finally read the bible, I learnt how to empathize and accept my tears as a weakness. I learnt how to decide to live my life. I learnt that "protecting myself to protect others" can mean hurting myself mentally and emotionally to protect others, even if they don't think that my actions protect them.. Simply because I believe that they'd be stronger and better with or without me in a few years time.

I also learnt that God supplies me the strength in times of toil, trials, and tears, to be content and cope in times of need and want. I also learnt that God supplies me with the wisdom to make decisions and deals with the repercussions of my decisions. I also learnt to cry for myself, for others, and to commit the tears to God, knowing that there's something incomprehensible in this intelligent design but that I am still learning more each day because He makes me able to.



"Cherry blossoms in Spring. Stars cover the sky on Summer. Full moon shines on Autumn and in Winter, the snow covers the ground. All these things make sake taste good. If it tastes bad, it's because there is something wrong in you." - Hiko Sejiro

Now if only he could grant me with the tastebuds to appreciate sake better too. Hahahah

so was on an express bus to work after staying over at my sister's place for the night. once you hit the highway, if you don't have a seat, well, good luck trying to sleep standing.

unfortunately, that was the state I found myself in. but it wasn't really an issue. i had my music and what I would consider as sufficient sleep.

and I found myself pleasantly distracted by a father with a sleeping daughter on his lap and a young son listening to him read How to Train Your Dragon 2. the daughter would let out a soft whimper once in a while and the son was just wide-eyed at the book. the boy was older and the interaction between the father and his two kids was simply adorable.

and I could see weariness in the man's eyes. and eye bags. still, he continued reading to the son for 10 mins until the bus took a turn and started to head for the highway. he told his son that he was going to close his eyes for a quick nap and that if the little one wanted to continue reading, he could just flip the pages and look at the pictures. then rearranging the little girl on his lap, he leaned back and closed his eyes.

while the father was reading, they weren't loud. the son would ask questions politely in a controlled tone. the little girl's whines were not often. and the man seemed in absolute control of the entire thing, his tone always gentle and nurturing with his children.

after a few seconds, the little boy looked up to his father, about to ask another question. he saw how his father had closed his eyes and then turned his attention to his little sister. A smile broke on his face and he patted her cheek gently before closing his book. then he nuzzled his face against his father's arm contentedly and stared at the cover of the book while yawning. he looked up and we exchanged glances. I smiled at him and he smiled back shyly before flipping his book open again.


I sincerely wish for all parents to take a leaf out of this man's book. whatever his book is.