I dreamt about you again.

You and your charming smile. You and your warm and ready hugs. You and your comforting hand that tightens around mine.

The difference in this dream is that I ran. I ran and avoided and hid from you. Because I didn't want you to care for me.

Then when I realized that you had given up on your chase for me, I stopped and I cried. When I woke up, the dull ache stayed in my chest and I wondered what you were doing.

Then later in the day, you reminded me that you were still around. And I felt immensely comforted by you and disappointed by myself.


Just need to keep praying. Need to keep trusting.

so many questions left unanswered. and i don't really care if they get answered. but so many questions...

if you knew all I was going through, why didn't you talk to me? why didn't you care?

if you knew I was going to the doctor's, why do you never ask how it went? why didn't you care?

after I came clean, why didn't you ask me how you could help? why did you assume you knew what my triggers were? why didn't you care?

you told me to change. I tried but you didn't change. no response. no feedback. you never changed. why didn't you care?

This is me no longer being a liability to anyone but myself. This is me relieving everyone else from pretending to care about me. it must have been hard... having to deal with me being around. This is me doing what I should have done a long time ago, sparing everyone else from me.

I still hear the voices once in a while. telling me that i'm not worth their time. telling me that i'm a goddamn awful fuck up who is better off gone and not in people's lives. I still hear the loud berating voices that tell me to spare the world of my existence. that their jokes of them being better off without me aren't jokes at all. I still hear the voices asking me why I think that people's hurtful words are reflective of their character and not of mine. I hear them screaming at me, telling me that I'm not worth caring about. I can still feel my breath shortening. I can still feel my hands shaking and my mind getting muddled up again. i can feel the weight of defeat sitting strong on my shoulders.


and then I hear that little voice that murmurs, "those voices in your head are not lying, you know."

and that little voice just undermines everything L tried so hard to convince me otherwise of. murmurs of my conscience or of the devil? or are they the same thing because I'm just that rotten?


yet, there are those who insist on being around me. who insist on holding my shaking hands. who insist on hugging me when i'm trembling and suffering from yet another anxiety attack. who pray so hard for me. who keep telling me that i'm not a burden. who keep trying to talk over the voices in my head. who keep telling me that people's words and actions aren't only a reflection of my imperfections but of their characters, be it unforgiving or unkind or just plain toxic.

there are those who hold me close and try to cover my eyes and ears to protect me because they think I'm worth saving.


That said, I am not bitter. I have no regrets.

I can't tell people to stay by my side or to leave me. or at least I can't force them to do what they do not want to do.

But I can do is to start to get better. I need to recover. to heal. I need to spare those who choose to still be around me. that I will stop being a burden to those who have not left me. I need to remember that a flawless work record and credentials aren't important but learning and growing and being a friend, a carer, is important.

I just need time. that's all I'm asking for. some time in my cave built with books and beer. just some time.

I saw somewhere that talked about the number of time "do not be afraid" appeared in the bible. so I went to check it out myself.

and biblegateway.com tells me that it appears 42 times in the ESV.

amazing isn't it. that I have a God who tells me to not be afraid because He's in control.

then I checked another word. "Rejoice"

and it's found 202 times in the ESV.



that in every victory, in every celebration, in every thing that is filled in joy, happiness, and all things good.

and also that in every trial, in every tribulation, in every event that is filled with sorrow, tears, anxiety attacks, darkness, and all things bad...

I rejoice because I'm His. not because I'm successful by the world's standards. not because i'm well-liked. not because I'm married or single or engaged or whatever.


I rejoice because He's made me His. so rejoice.

I wonder how many of people we've forgiven choose to walk out of our lives.

i used to be stronger. now my life feels like an MCR song. the awful version.

what happened?

13 things to remember if you love a person with anxiety

or

23 things to remember if you love a person with anxiety

two amazing reads and honestly, i do agree with them. far too many thoughts about this and how i wish people around me did all that with me..

then i stop and stare at the title and "love" jumps out at me.

oh. ok.

juice cleanse daily report Day 2:

juice #1: beetroot. again. hello funky toilet business!

juice #2: i was apprehensive because of my run-in with the carrot yday and this one has ginger. oh my god ginger. surprisingly, it’s quite yummy. so it’s almost as if the ginger has gotten rid of the raw carrot end notes and make the juice incredibly refreshing. still freezing but at least i’ve got my jacket. strangely though, i’m not as hungry as i was on day 1.

juice #3: took another 10-15min nap before my juice. i’m somehow slowly getting used to this. starting to feel hungry again. maybe this is my body telling me to give up and chow down a whole fried chicken. then again, i’m not madly craving food. probably knowing that i’ve come so far already.

(juice #4 was during a meeting so no comments except *urgh*)

juice #5: feeling really down and miserable. typically, i would have turned to fried chicken or comfort food or coffee. but no. i’ve got to drink that f-ing juice. kill me.

juice #6: yakult and aloe vera. feels pretty processed to me but i love them both. not complaining.



amazingly enough, still no coffee for me. i do miss the taste but i'm not exactly craving it. or alcohol. the biggest hurdle is the desire to stuff my face with jjajangmyeon and fried chicken when my mind craves for comfort. shall see if I can arrange for it on Sunday since I need to condition my body on Saturday. hur hur hur. but if anything, I have my menu planned for Saturday. now just need to see if I can convince the mother to have Jap with me.

juice cleanse daily report Day 1:

Juice #1: it’s 9am and i miss coffee. sad trex. on the side note, juice #1 is yummy.

Juice #2: I hate raw carrot juice. *shudder*

Juice #3: Pineapple is always good. but I’m so afraid that I’m going to be hungry. G came up with an idea. Cup corn without butter. I am allowed boiled veg so that works. tomorrow, i’m packing spinach and corn.

Juice #4: it’s 3pm and if i close my eyes and imagine hard enough, it feels like a mojito. one downside to this detox is everything is so damn cold. i’m freezing in office.

Juice #5: why is it so f-ing cold! this can’t be good for my body. apple, pear, and coconut water may be awesome but i’m planning my menu for next week already. and googling “cheating on juice fast”. those little f-ers never told me that it was going to be so bleeping damnit painful. i’m shaking and i can’t tell if it’s ‘cos i’m so hangry or f-ing cold or both. probably both.

(between juice #5 and #6):
i’m sleepy and hungry. honestly, i’ve been cheating already with my cherry tomatoes. screw this shit. i’m this close to chomping on a whole chicken now. i can’t even go home and sleep the night away. i have church. kill me. or feed me a whole salmon of sashimi. either way, send me to heaven so i don’t have to deal with this anymore

Juice #6: last one of the day. cherry tomato count stands at 6. or 7. Spoke to K about the prog and he said I could have boiled greens or egg white. HELLO SALAD.



thoughts on the overall process. i’m actually surprised that while i craved coffee, it wasn’t like a if-i-stop-drinking-i-will-die thing unlike my usual days. Probably because I’ve cut out coffee since Monday (that 1/4 cup doesn’t count!). the 10-min power nap during lunch helped and at least the juices seem to be scheduled when i start feeling hungry. water has been keeping me sane. because this is an introductory course, there are more fruits than veg so it can get very sweet.

now the gross bits. you don’t have to read the next paragraph.

bowel movements are going cray. i’m running to the toilet to pee. and when i do a number 2, it’s psychedelic. think about it, beetroots and carrots are so heavily colored. even my pee was colored. and i feel gassy.

all in all, i’m not beating myself up for the cherry tomato cheats. c’mon, i eat more than some of my church guys and i’ve out-eaten almost all the gym guys (damn you, CJ!) in durians despite being half their size. for someone who eats more than what she should be eating, i’m mildly proud of my ‘resilience’ in this aspect.

K is amazing though. he’s been such a supportive supplier and so helpful in my inane complaints and questions. don’t think he’s ever met a customer like me before and i’m so grateful for his help. will i do this again? ask me on Friday.

Oh. Ok.

i used to be so confident of what i could do and what i couldn't. and wherever i was lacking in, i always tried to be a better me. it wasn't that i wanted to be everyone's cup of tea. i would be okay if peeople walked away and left. i just didn't want to be the tea that everyone avoided because they hated.

but now, i'm that cup of tea that people spit into. the cup that people keep shaking to leave unsettled just because they want to and they can.

at the same time, i've been so blessed to have a group that takes me away from those people. a group that just wants to appreciate me for who i am. a group that loves me for my flaws but doesn't just accept that i'm a horrid person and actually helps me to be a better version of me. they don't tell me that they take my brokenness or my imperfections. instead, they nurture me and help me mend the holes and better the bad things.

and God has been so good. He keeps reminding me that there are people who sincerely care. people who will miss me. people who give me a reason to keep on living and who help me to keep on living. God has been so incredibly good.

let this be my prayer. that i keep rejoicing in the good and bad. that i keep remembering that i am His and that is all i really need because He provides shelter and warmth and protection, not in the way i expect, but in the manner that He knows is best for me.

let this be my prayer that i'll be eternally grateful for the joys and sufferings in my life, simply because God is good. because God made this little cup of tea that I call me.

not just tired anymore

but i'm just so exhausted. just so incredibly exhausted with my incredible ability to disappoint

"God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When don't see his plan
When you can't trace his hand
Trust His Heart"

and trust, I will. that in my shortcomings. in my failures. in my hopelessness. in my despair. in my depression.

I will keep trusting in Him.