After some quiet time and reflection this week, I was suddenly reminded of a drama that I once watched. "It's okay, that's love."

My all time favorite because of the themes that it was challenging. Because of the world norms that it questioned.

One poignant scene had the senior therapist in the car asking the other passengers why people couldn't see mental illness for what it was: an illness. He likened it to a cold. It's not normal for the body just as mental illness is not normal for the mind. Yet instead of encouraging medication to help treat it, people write it off carelessly.

Which made me think of my own experiences. So often... in fact far too often, I was told it was all in my mind. That i just needed to condition my brain. That I just needed to take the steps in any self help book to think normally again.

Would you tell a person suffering from a cold that if they don't sniff or blow their nose or show symptoms of a full blown cold, their body would recover? Would you tell a person with hacking cough to suppress the cough and they would get better?? (Side note, suppressing coughs can worsen your condition. Ask my mom and her 2-month old cough.)

So why do we not recognize that there are symptoms and tests to prove a person is mentally ill just like how there are symptoms and tests to prove a person is bodily ill? Why do we not realize that there is a treatment that needs to be applied to the mentally ill the same way treatment is applied to the bodily ill?


At the end of the day, I have learnt that mental illness is a dark unknown realm to many. And because they don't understand it, there are those who will apply what they know to the unknown. Which just doesn't work. The "top ten tips for effective..." or "things to do for a better..." lists in your hr research books do not work. It's an illness. The person is unwell. Just get treatment to them.

But then, there is a group that seeks to understand it more. There's a group that questions and realizes that they know nothing about mental illness and strive to learn more so they can handle it better. And most of the time, these people have gone through the illness themselves.

Or are from the first group above who have come to realize that they know batshit about depression or anxiety or Tourette syndrome.

After being open about my condition in church, I've learnt that there are so many people... too many people who are fighting demons the way I was fighting mine. And they are losing the same way I lost without proper treatment because they don't realise that they are ill. And so I'm still finding out more about this unknown area in today's world.


And honestly, it's never too late to find out more. To ask. To see how you can help someone by first admitting that you know nothing about helping them.

It's really never too late.

Too many places to visit. Too little time.

At least I've narrowed down the places to mainly Europe (this new role is stabbing me with wanderlust whenever I stroll down the corridor to get to the toilets).

so note to self: remember this stupid list you have created of places you want to go to and get it done!!

1. Norway. Tromso is gorgeous. Oslo is gorgeous. Kristensand is gorgeous. Bergen is gorgeous. And northern lights. oh the northern lights. I am in trouble.

2. Denmark. Oh the clogs and the architecture that just keeps enticing and captivating over and over and over again. Yes. In trouble.

3. UK. I've been to London numerous times but yet I haven't ventured much beyond it. Just bits of Rye, Whitstable, Manchester... and there's still so much to see. Plus this: https://www.theguardian.com/travel/2016/oct/15/best-autumn-walks-uk. So Scotland. Lake District. Oxford. Bilsbury. So many places waiting for me. Shit's about to get real.

4. Spain. A different flavor. It's more colorful. Warmer. Cooler. Brighter. Duller. So diverse from the other countries above. And Canary Islands. Oh my god Canary Islands. How else can I sit by the beach in Tenerife and quote Ed Sheeran?? So much trouble.

5. Belgian. Oh my sweet sweet Belgian with your chocolates and waffles and fries and beer and cities waiting for me to get lost in. Brussels was but just the surface of your beauty. *Stares at wallet in dismay*

6. Switzerland. Bern. Interlaken. The old cities with constantly new sights to amaze people. All the historical war monuments and the castles and the mountains. Plus this is the one place I would challenge myself and go skydiving although I fucking hate heights. But to be free falling then soaring above the snowy caps to land in soft-ish/hard snow... oh so much trouble.

7. Iceland. The volcanoes. The geysers. The hot spings. The lava fields. right. FTS..

and these are just places where I've figured some of the cities out. I haven't even started on Finland. Sweden. Germany. Austria. France. Italy. Portugal. Greece. Romania. Poland. Ireland. Hungary. Croatia. and that's not even all the countries in Europe. HOW???

"Can you send us your stuff to check for mistakes?" vs "can you send us your stuff to check?"

"It's so easy. Why are you asking?" vs "It's actually easy. You can try this..."

"I am sorry if I hurt you" vs "I am sorry I hurt you".

"Oh. Ok." Vs "How can we help?"


So many times, so many times we fail to see the impact our words have on others. I am no longer hung up on it. But I do revisit the thoughts in my head to remind me that I have changed and I am hopefully a better person after this.

Despite what people who love me think, I like to believe that I was a victim of toxic circumstances rather than a victim of toxic people. Despite the calls to ignore and to cut out those people from my life, I still choose to love and care and have them part of my life if they wish. Despite the world thinking I'm crazy for still keeping the people that triggered and worsened my depression, I believe that it was their actions propelled by the situations which resulted in all of this. And not that they are calculative self-serving people who will step on others just because they can.

Like I told Liz, it was really a problem of "fit". Circumstances and situations had caused the environment to change and I just couldn't fit into it. Is it a bad environment? For me, yes. For others, no. They thrived in it. If the organisation sustains and can move forward with that environment, I would be a fool to think I had a better style. I know that I just had a different style from the leader then.

Call me naive but I rather treat people nice than to demand that people treat me nice. It's less disappointing to expect nothing from others and more uplifting to demand everything of me in how I treat others.

But I am not naive. I am a Christian. Because of that, I will love tirelessly, whether or not I get love in return. After all, I am not defined by how others act towards me but I am defined by how I act towards others because of who God is.


So I will keep thinking of the past. I will keep reflecting on it to remind me that I can and I will be a better me after all this. And that's my one prayer in life. Not to put people down despite how they are or were to me. Not to hurt others just because they have hurt me. How people treat me shouldn't have an impact on how I treat others.

So keep on keeping on, little one. Keep on keeping on.

Decided to tackle the four beast mountain alone. I picked the more common route of starting at the tiger and ending at elephant. And all I could think of was how it mimicked life.

As I climbed, it was ridiculously tough getting to the top. Many times I could have given up. There were so many reasons to give up. The skies looked bad. I was tired with no food due to no planning... but I continued despite wondering what I was doing to myself.

At one point I was feeling lost and wondering if I was headed in the right direction. So I stopped and asked for help from a stranger. He continued the journey with me to the point we had to part. Even after I reached the peak, heading back down wasn't easy. There were still some times where I had to walk up to walk down. And walking downwards was difficult in its own way.

When I finally got to the bottom, there was a sense of something being finished. I wasn't necessarily a better me... but I was a different me. I had something new to describe me.

It wasn't so much that the climb mimicked life. But the climb was like any trial or phase in life. There are the climaxes and the pains to getting there and coming down from it. But help comes when I ask and I'm usually surprised by the help I get.

And after it's all said and done, being a better person is a definite bonus. But we don't necessarily become a better person. Like the Wicked song, "who can say I've been changed for the better? But... I have been changed for good."

And in these moments, the beauty of creation still stands around me, waiting for me to stop and stare and know that He's there through it all.


Always grateful for these moments of peace that allow me to find myself once again and calibrate my life in accordance to His. Always grateful and always working at it.

As human beings, we know what it's like to be hurt... to be scared... to be upset... to be disappointed...

To wish people weren't so careless with our emotions.


Yet why do we not remember to be careful with others then? Because we are fallen wretched and useless sinners.


Still can't figure out why He picked me. But I know I am forever grateful and will keep working on this.

Trying to settle a.. for the lack of a better word, "distraction" in the midst of church building. And some thoughts came to mind after the meeting this morning.

The world's desires are very different from a Christian's.

The world seeks to be loved. A Christian seeks to love.

The world seeks ways to be loved. A Christian seeks ways to love.

The world stops responding where there is no reciprocation. A Christian loves even when the other hates.

All because of different motivations. The world craves approval from others to find its identity in the middle of everything. A Christian has already been approved by God because of our identity in God's Kingdom as given by Him.


And really, what a relief but hard deed to do. Just keep praying.

every Sunday I sit in church and I see people scribble during service. It's heartening to see people committing what they learn to paper. But I wonder how many commit what they learned into their lives. Me included.

In that pondering, I question how many have dug deep into the bible to truly understand and find the one motivation to please our Great Giver. I also wonder how many are struggling and what they are struggling with... so that I can extend that helping hand to remind them that they aren't alone.


Praying. just praying that I will truly live it out.

So I did something out of the ordinary on Tuesday. I went to volunteer my services for babysitting so that the sahm could have their bible studies in peace.

As with kids, there were cute heart melting moments and there were horrific moments. I left the room thinking, "1 Cor 7. Keep remembering 1 Cor 7."

Not that singleness is waaaaay better than marriage. Instead, i think both are amazing blessings and gifts from God. But their difficulties and happy moments are so different. For now, i am not ready to give up the difficulties of singlehood to embrace the wonders of a family. No. Not yet.


Another thing I saw was how the kids reminded me so much of how we ought to live.

Asher, bless his sweet heart, was one such boy who modeled it right. He was gentle, kind, sweet, caring. He was slow to anger and yet humble to know to seek help and show his vulnerability when appropriate. Like when a little girl chomped down on his arm, I could only watch on in horror as I was comforting little M in my arms. We quickly called him to us and a staff checked the bite. She assured him that it was okay and we would clean it up and check again. Asher nodded quietly as tears started rolling down his face silently. But at no point did he scream or retaliate or get angry. My heart broke for his little soul and after the session ended, i checked on him again. He told me he was okay with a shy gentle smile. His attitude makes me ashamed of my own.

Then there was peskymon.. Or in my words, an absolute horror. This one knew he had power and exerted through violence and harsh degrading mean words. He deliberately hurt people to show that he had no care for them and lied when found out, thinking he was smart and cheeky. It was horrifying to watch him as he basked in his own self-importance.

And i knew the child. He was a different kid in front of his parents and teachers. Smart, always knew what to say to impress.. Again, it was all very clearly about him and how he portrayed himself to establish a certain impression with certain people. And it saddened me. Not only because of how he was acting. But also how I reacted. On the surface, he got no reaction from me as I ignored his attempts to step on my toes, both literally and figuratively. I was calm and nonchalent and he gave up quickly.

But inside I was steaming with unkind words. On hindsight, i should have spoken to the staff and the mom so as to correct the child and help him be a better person. But I just wanted nothing to do with him. And how often do I do that to others who I think are vile and don't deserve love??


Sigh. Hard truths of the day. Got to keep praying. Just keep praying and working on myself..

Sunday's sermon was a tough one. Not because it was a sin I struggled with. But because it was a sin I didn't struggle with.

And most of the church don't. Or so it seems. But because of it, i think it has affected where people's hearts are.

I spoke to some after the sermon and got feedback. And this is what I heard from some...

"Isn't it obvious that it is wrong? Why do they choose a lie over the truth?"

"Why can't they see it when it is so clear?"

"Why aren't they convinced? I know I am."


And my heart hurts. No, it's not that they don't understand. It's that we don't understand the pains, struggles, fears, and despair that homosexual Christians experience. It's that we don't understand what it means to be put in a spotlight and be stared at, made to feel inadequate because of it.

Of course we are convinced of what was preached. It goes according to our thoughts. It is what we live by and what we hear. But we so quickly forget that when a sermon rebukes our own personal sins, we create excuses for ourselves too.

Yes, God has leveled all sins. The liar is as sinful as the adulterer and as sinful as one who has exchanged God's natural intent for the unnatural. And the grace shown to us all is the same grace. But we too quickly forget that the struggles are different. So incredibly different. Which is why I felt D's apology to the homosexuals for how they had been treated was heartfelt. Sincere. Humble. He knew that it was unpleasant for them to hear the sermon. He knew it would irk them. But he did it with much love and care. In a way a shepherd takes a wounded sheep and tends to the wounds while gently coaxing it to stay by his side.


May we be more understanding as a church. May we be loving and kind in rebuke. May we keep praying for all.

In the past 3.5 months of recovery and rediscovery, i had been blessed with so much.

The time to read the bible..

The time to connect with old friends..

And even the time to make new friends through colleagues and customers at the bistro.


And i am so grateful for all that He has done in my life. It's not about the people that keep telling me that they would miss me. It's not about the people who make the time for me. It'snot even about the people who take me and my flaws and help me be a better person.

It's about how He provided ALL of them and more to remind me that He truly cares about little insignificant me. From my favorite Tiger Beer bffs to my little monkey. From Uncle D to Sha and her radiant smile. I feel so completely blessed and provided for. That despite the aching feet and shoulders, I found rest in His word and the people He provided.


So what if I am broke? So what if by the world's standards, I would be seen as mediocre or even down and out?


I have all that He chose to bless me with. And that's really all I need now.

i think i've injured my right foot so oftn that I'm numbed to the consequences.

fracturing it.. then inflaming it after kicking the sofa... to now dropping a table on it.


i'm done with the damn foot. sigh.

Singing glory, honor, wisdom, power
To the Lamb upon the throne
Hallelujah I will sing
With every breath that I am given
I will sing salvation's song
And I'll join the chorus of creation
Giving praise to Christ alone

Today we saw in church the beauty of a marriage in God's world. About how He uses it to show us His unending love.

Today I prayed for a man left broken and completely anguished by his impending divorce from his wife of 16 years.

Today I cried for a stranger who decided that perhaps, just perhaps, this God who loved love so much would heal his brokenness and help him through this time by providing strangers who wanted to pray for him and be his friend.

Today I witnessed the beauty of God in a man's life despite the anguish man can cause.



Truly, with every breath I am given, I want to sing salvation's song.