Lullabies

friends who know me really well will say that underneath all that toughness and tomboyish, there's a little girl. allow me to improvise on that.. underneath it all, the pride, toughness and roughness, there's just a little girl who just wants to snuggle up to that security blanket, lured into the land of dreams with songs.

been hearing songs that i wish someone would sing to me before i go to bed at night.
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1. You will always be beautiful in my eyes (joshua kadison)
2. I will be here (clay aiken)
3. Shine (clay aiken)
4. I will carry you (clay aiken)
5. Shoulder to cry on (tommy page)
6. Just to be the next to be with you (mr big)
7. Wild world (Mr Big)
8. When I see you smile (bad english)
9. When I look into your eyes (firehouse)
10. Come crying to me (lonestar)
11. Don't be afraid (lee hom)
12. shooting star (boyzone)
13. Dance (tori amos)
14. if tmr never comes (ronan keating)
15. to love a woman (lionel ritchie & enrique)
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yupe.. these songs are those i can picture a person holding a baby or tucking a young child in and singing to them as well. it's the sense of security i guess.. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. i want that security too...

Dreams

ser was sharing a nightmare she had with me the other day.. one of those hilarious and scary ones. then, she brought up another question.. asked abt recurring dreams. i have had a few.. normally horror ones.. that leave me waking up in cold sweat. but they have stopped due to me finally finding a way out of the horror place. only one of the recurring dreams which i feel most about ain't a nightmare. and this one stopped in the most upsetting way.

it's set at a beach resort. it's normally dark and stormy at night with blackouts but in the day, it's beautiful and ever-so peaceful.. a place where i can go fishing and just chill out. then i've got 2 friends in my dreams. ed and jon. jon's got a gf whom i've never seen but yar, they are my closest friends. the dreams always finish with me sitting by the sea.

my last dream was really bad. it started off the same, pops driving the family to the resort. but as the dream wore on, i had a big fight with edward. it was 'cos i felt that he didn't appreciate the things i did for him as a friend. for me always accomodating him and he never doing that for me. and i hit him. i cried so hard in the dream and the pain was just so raw while the frost of the air stung my cheeks. at the end of it, i was alone with mom. despite the gorgeous surroundings of auroras around in early morning sky while i sat on the snow-covered ground. the dream had never ended that way. and i was really sad. almost as though i knew it was to end. then when i woke, i had a feeling i would never see that place again, i would never laugh with jon or talk with edward. and i cried again when i woke. it was hard.. really. letting go of smth so close to my heart.

a hint that i would be single for the rest of my life? i had a few dreams which revolved 'round this guy. i've never seen him before but it's kinda like what darren hayes sang, "i knew i loved you before i met you." and u know what? the first dream i had abt him was that he died. the following dreams were nicer.. but he died in the first one.

i need to stop getting affected so badly. maybe i'm really meant to be alone. i think i'm pretty sadistic towards myself. still trying to pick up the glass shards, still cutting cut myself only to drop the piece, shattering it further. i keep trying to harden that stubborn heart but it doesn't always listen. now it's hiding in the corner, not even wanting me to touch it. my head's telling me to sit down by the pieces and do no more. i'll wait until God mends it for me. i wished my heart was less strong willed on the outside and weak inside!

i was born a dreamer and will always be a dreamer. asking me to suppress the dreaming me is asking me to not breathe. i wonder if God sees that girl crying in my again, the bloodied hands with reopened scars, older than i can remember them to be. she's crying 'cos she's so tired of false hopes. i guess i'm created to relate and to be alone. i think i might go crazy soon. wonder if God's crazy and seemingly contradictory plan is for me to remain single for the rest of my life or to appreciate His gift to me in the future. for now, let it be the former. let the shattered pieces mend, that my heart be whole again like it was when i was born, like it was to be... no longer the way it was once i knew what emotions were. perhaps... perhaps a world without love will really be a world without pain. Just hoping...

stupid. just realized i'm listening to solitaire.

do i want to die young? i don't mind.. seriously.. i think it's a serious way to start a blog but jx asked me that suddenly.. so made me think abt it. why do i even want to die young? While, Paul did mention in Philippians 1:21, "to live is Christ, to die is gain". it is selfish of me, to want to die so that i'd gain. at the same time, it's selfish 'cos i'm not thinking of the ppl who do care abt me. i'll be leaving behind all my friends and family.

anywayz, another qn that moron asked was if any guy had caught my attention. truth is, some guys have actually managed to catch my attention.. but just my eye, not my mind or heart. upsetting, isn't it? just 2 really.. zax and mod. they're the similar sort... nice almond-shaped eyes (yesh, peri, there are ppl who like almond-shaped eyes and not just the puppy-dog types). defined features with high cheekbones that give off the soft touch to the boyish face.

orli is obviously disturbed by the fact that i'm still thinking of mod even though i saw him for a while. is it my fault he's got a face that's so easy and comforting to the eyes? orli's mom thinks he's good looking. my mom reckons he's pretty. ahahaha.. see.. and mod's got a slimmer face as compared to zax. but it doesn't hinder the fact that they are really nice to rest my eyes on. and plus plus to them... mod does funny. i was laughing so hard when i first had a run-in with him. zax's got a really nice voice. it's gentle, comforting and strong. even more gentle than clay aiken's and i'm not joking. clay's got a different type of comforting voice.. like the big brother type comforting. zax's got the "friend" comforting type singing voice. and both of them have bright smiles that make me smile too.

haven't found any guys to "rest my eyes one" since my.. erm.. shall not say. shall just say it was never dring sch days of smu and mgs. ahaha

Whatever happens~

whatever happens, we must live worthy lives
and for the gospel stand firm, side by side.
do not be frightened in anything
for we are honoured to share his sufferings

and we rejoice because we know
that through our prayers and the spirit of jesus
in our distress, his name will be exalted
in trials we will not be ashamed
we rejoice, we rejoice

and so we hold on, our labour bearing fruit
and in one spirit, we know joy and hope
and one before us wrote words to lift us up
To live is christ, to die is truly gain

and we rejoice because we know
that through our prayers and the spirit of jesus
in our distress, his name will be exalted
in trials we will not be ashamed
we rejoice, we rejoice

whatever happens we must live worthy lives
and for the gospel stand firm, side by side
(c) Mark Peterson 2003
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"Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved--and that by God. For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him, since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have." Phil 1:27-30

it's so hard... so hard to even think of these few verses when suffering for the gospel... keep reminding myself of it... singing to myself.. reading the very verses... and i'm not alone in this suffering so now, there are a few things i wanna tell some of my friends.

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michk: Thank you for listening to me when i was really tired and stressed... for your advice. but i have to apologize.. i cannot do what u can do... we do think differently. i agree, ppl tend to focus on different things in life even when they center everything around God.. it's 'cos of the different situations we are in. i cannot let go of cf now.. not now... not when i'm in love with the one thing that brought me to cf, not when i'm in love with God. nevertheless my darlink, i thank you for being there.. it means a lot 'cos i know u are stressed out too. we're all really tired of everything for now but yet you could listen to me. i really thank God for a friend like you, darlink.

michl: for being the one i cld laugh and joke with.. for letting me tease you and most imptantly, for letting me know when i step across the line. i thank you for your frankness.. that our friendship allows this. thankiew, my little mouse.

ben: for being such an amazing brother... for being able to make me laugh when i'm tired... for being such an amazing cg mate last year and a even more amazing acgl this sem. even entertaining me with your non-existant love life last yr.. you may think it's just mere words, but my brother, it asssures me of the fact that we can share lives so openly.. even though we're really crapping most of the time. thankiew for your encouragement

bryan: my dearest chewbacca brother! thankiew for the laughs, your little crazy antics that keep me thinking that perhaps the world can be a happy place.. for even the drinks before cf each week. and i still owe u a drink, whatever you say

jx: you are a true friend, you know? for talking to me... for being the one who corrects me when you see me step out of line.. for the constant reminder of the gospel when i lose sight of it. for helping me out when i have problems understanding stuff. for being crazy with ben and bryan and making me laugh.. thankiew

wc: thankiew for the ocassional msgs to make sure that i'm ok when we don't see each other around.. for remembering little things that i tell you no matter how insignificant it is.. and for driving me home even though u don't live near me. i will treat you to a brownie one day. oh wait, you don't like brownies. opps. hee hee

david: for your words of encouragement after a meeting. you assured me that i was capable of things that i was afraid of trying.. for making sure that i didn't make the big mistake of turning down the post of a cgl.. for being a fellow sufferer in christ.. for still talking to me after i "pushed you around".. for just being a brother and friend whom i can talk to. thank you.
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please... please pray for me that the choices i make will be pleasing to God, taking into consideration the people i love... my friends, my sch mates, my family, and especially my lovely brothers and sisters in smucf. pray for me that i will take full confidence in God's word, His promises, the gospel.. pray that the ppl around me will understand why i do what i do, which is for the gospel.. for God. and of course not forgetting, please pray for my friends... that whatever happens, we will lead worthy lives still, because of the gospel.

for my other friends who i did not mention in this case, it's not that i don't regard you guys highly. i'm in love with each and every one of you.. but it's too many to write.. and these ppl have just changed my lives in such a significant way that i'm left thinking about it right now with my current state.