i realized that most singaporean guys like shu nus.. definition of shu nus? fair, long hair, big eyes, mini-skirt/spag strap wearing skinny demure girls who are prone to DIDs(damsels in distress). think jolin tsai, cyndi wang, angela zhang.. i've got guy friends like that.. it used to upset me, but it took me less than a week to get over it.

while these shu nus had guys nursing crushes on them, i was the one hanging out with the guys. while the shu nus held the guys' eyes when they walked through the canteen, i was the one holding that conversation with them. kinda reminds me of three friends i had who had shu nus as gfs. and this post is actually dedicated to these guys who just made that relationship so worthwhile for whatever time it lasted for until we lost contact. =)

**
JW>
you fed me when i was hungry, literally. you gave me bread and noodles and hand-fed me that bite of your hotdog, despite the incessant jesting from your friends. what can i say? you were so incredibly sweet although it was the first day we got to know each other. you tolerated my teasing and teased me back to the point where i felt my face flush out of awkwardness. but then you charmed me back into our friendship with your show of concern, as if the teasing never happened.

you still smile at me when we see each other around. the way you attempted to get my attention was childish and never failed to make me smile inspite of myself. you were my ducky pal and my first ever earring boy. you knew i cried that day but didn't make a ho-ha out of it. instead, you reassured me, not knowing that you were one of the reasons why i cried.

ZC>
we would go home together. the bus ride home was always fun as we "exchanged" beauty tips. i liked it when you smiled at me 'cos girls were always clamouring for your attention. and you still spoke to me after i spooked you with one very regretful remark (though i don't know if you remember it anymore).

do you know that you were one of the reasons why i wanted back into that community i nearly lost? knowing that i might never have that chance to see you smile at me and to have you smile back made me cry. but you didn't know that. when you first thought that you were going to lose that community as well, you wanted to jump off taka. we spoke on the phone on my way to town. i told you not to be silly and to wait for me to watch u jump. you waited. then we laughed about it.

KY>
I enjoyed teasing you and you obviously knew it. i like how your cheeks flush each time i teased you, how they flush when you laugh.. and how you just have that nature pretty boy flush. you tried to "steal" hunky tutor from me with ur other friends but hunky chose us instead.

i miss how your name on my phone just wakes me up during boring lectures 'cos i picture your impish lopsided dimpled grin. the same one you gave me when you and jf daringly teased me, saying that you "gay boys" could handle me as well. the same one you had when jf tried to redeem himself.. and that grin you had when we spoke abt flying. then we lost touch. but you proved sincere when you remembered how to spell my name after we didn't see each other or converse. your assurance at my lowest pt back then gave me that window to dare dream.
**

i mean to keep their identities a secret. but i left enough clues that if they read this post, they would know who they are. so what's the point of this post? i guess.. it's just to record down guys whom i wasn't very close to and yet made an impact in my life during my "anti-love" stage. who says platonic r/s don't work? i'm living proof that they do. with memories like these, i'm grateful for being one of the guys and not a shu nu.

Sleep vs Luxury Car

Family vs Office with fantastic view

Home vs Travelbug & 5-star Hotels

Welcome Mat vs Red Carpet

difficult decision to make?

God vs The World

not so difficult after all, huh?

just some random thoughts that hit me during michael's lesson today. sure, i admire jer DT for working his way up the corporate ladder so quickly.. i think it's amazing that yl is in SMU, knowing that he has an office of antiques and a beautiful car in the carpark.. then michael said one thing that send me flying back to the ground.

"Everyone has to make sacrifices."

**********
The judge looked at me, anger and sadness mixed in his face. As he lifted the hammer, I closed my eyes. There was no doubt about my guilt and sins. I had turned away from what that was right to focus on the wrong things and I was without excuse. The hammer thudded dully and I looked up.

"I hereby declare you guilty."

I stood up, dreadingly pondering the verdict. The judge was correct. All evidence pointed to me as an enemy of the judge and a lawless fallen creature. I opened the small gate of the defence box to accept my punishment but then the judge spoke again.

"Son, come and take his punishment."

I watched dumbly as the son of the judge stepped forward. Wondering if I was dreaming, I could only watched as the nails were driven through the son's hands. His blood spilt onto me. My knees gave way as I watched the brutal death sentence and sacrifice. I crumbled to the ground, lowering my head. The dull thud of the hammer was heard again.

"I now declare you righteous."

What the judge said made no sense to me. My eyes stung painfully and I allowed myself to cry, looking at the blood that had touched me. After a long while, a hand in the light was in front of my face. I raised my head and saw the judge standing in front of me, with his son, well and alive, on his right.

"Come home with me, my child. Be part of me as you were supposed to be," the judge said gently, the love in his voice. I choked a sob back, not knowing what to say. Part of me longed to go home with him but part of me called me unworthy.

"Just as I live again, let your old self die and live again, my brother.. Live with us in your life," the son spoke, holding his hand out to me. There was a hole through his palm where they had driven the nail through. Placing my hand in his, I stood up. He was correct. It was time to go home and live a new life.
**********

Suddenly, it was crystal clear. I don't regret the path in life i have taken so far. if i didn't come to SMU, i wldn't be in SMUCF.. i wldn't be reading the bible and growing in understanding and maturity.. i wldn't be wanting to join a church when i graduate. i wldn't be so sure that i want to continue in my ministry and continue to serve even more when i start work, even if it means i get shit pay for reading the bible. i shldn't even be paid to study the bible. i guess that's why bible teachers still get paid. 'cos God provides for His people that when they devote a whole life of preaching His word, He sustains them nevertheless.

It's a cold dreary night...

i'n sneezing, coughing, drinking water and seeking temporary comfort in a kinder bueno. yes, cheap chocolates work for me once in a while. missing the dark flake de lait that can only be found in candy empire. $2.50. rather ex, don't u think? amount is the same as that of the $1.20 twirl.

tired this week. not feeling too well, emotionally and mentally. physically tired and ready to drop as well. and it's only week 9. i'm going to burn out soon.. if i don't turn up in school one day, please visit me at home. 'cos that will be the day where my mind gives way to the heart and decides it's time for that rest which means constant ironing of the sheets. i miss my bed a lot.

ever felt like this?

********

the stog is updated. http://rivermuse.blogspot.com/

week 8 is over. (i'm not allowed to call it a break since it didn't feel like one to any of the SMUggers.) jam-packed with meetings, meetings and meetings. ok. wasn't thaaaaaaaat bad as i thought it wld be. got to hang out with friends and clear the constantly never-fulfilled appts.

cleared the lunch appt with sen at an italian restaurant. it was fun to just sit around and chat and simply just catch up with one another. and i was grinning at the desserts. ahahaha. sugar rush from the strawberry gelatin-like thing. managed to do the oktobeerfest with dc, cy, yw and steph at paulaner's at millenia walk. dinner and drinks and i finally tried the dark lager. dt and sherina joined us earlier but they left for a party after that. our impromptu-ness and cy's flirting with the ticketing auntie at EW suntec got us watching deuce bigalow, european gigalow. my brain rotted in the cinema. not a fan of crude slapstick really. and i felt that the first one was better. less "trying-too-hard-to-be-funny".

the the amazing 6 hour ktv. muahahahaha. it was supposed to be a big grp judging from the first email. then it shrunk to cy, dom, jt and i on the day itself. after abt 3.5 hrs, dom left. i've never sung so many chinese songs in one day. it was actually fun. (cheers to jt who did an amazing "you better not come home"!) i was just drained after that.

i'm ecstatic. roy from osl called me and told me that i got that gym assistant position. $10 an hr, 4hrs each time... if i work on friday, sat and sun, it's $120 a week! and i'm in the gym! wahahaha. one of the few dream jobs that i finally fulfill (the other is working at a gelato place and getting paid in cash and gelato..) wahahaha.. and i've been receiving positive feedback on funday after it ended. even though this little party pooper spent part of it reading her income tax text and feeling miserable. the sky threatened to rain but it didn't! yay! attendance was better than i expected. at the end of it, ppl were tired but still laughing.. some throwing the disc around.. others trying to avoid jx when he held the softball bat..

this is one baton i've got to pass soon. 3 more semesters and i'm out of SMU already. fun/sportsday how? it's not a "must-do". but it's a nice break from the monotony of studying. and new friends are made each time! will need to handover.. freshies... and now that's sch's back on again, it's return to the 3.9 in the lib once more... i have no social life once again. 7 weeks.. 7 more weeks.

i've been blogging a lot over these few days... para por que, no se. haiz. (in a bid to improve my espanol i'll annoyingly speckle my posts with espanol.)

anywayz, just finished reading some of my friends' blogs.. plus had a chance this week to just sit around and catch up with some. and as usual, i get the torrent of "i'm tired of being single/attached" most of the time. haiz.

to those who are attached: hang in there, my dearies.. God chose to give u this gift.. it never was meant to be a bed of roses. sure, the courting times were fun.. that mystery.. that thrill in not knowing what you'll learn more each day.. but work it out in Christ! don't lose that passion for each other. just as God never lost that passion to reconcile us back to him, we don't lose that passion to know Him more to please Him. and we know that all our r/s are a reflection of that true r/s we have with Him. work on it together!!

to those who are single: it's also a gift from God, sweeties. i know that there are times where u feel lonely.. where u just wish that dream girl/guy wld look ur way, notice u, fall madly in love with u.. and u both will have that perfect christian r/s.. i really understand that. but take comfort that u can devote all ur time in working out that r/s with God.. one-on-one.. u still have ur family in christ who truly loves and cares for you. doesn't sound easy but it can be done. i know it. i do it all the time. take comfort in Him!

one week break is finally upon the SMUggers.. and those who do not have income tax test on wednesday rejoice. a week of pure project meetings.. ahahaha.. not much better. and i'll get down to another type of mugging.. one which involves lager, pork knuckles and bratwurst. all that for one night only. and i can finally return to sentosa! tmr morning.. hope it doesn't rain.

*****
to you: i'm sorry if things didn't turn out the way you expected them.. or hoped they wld.. i do assume responsibility for how things have turned out. i hope you will as well. i'd be lying if i said i didn't mean to do all those things i did which hurt you.. right from the time things started changing. but circumstances.. well. i believe in Him. i trust in Him. i base my decisions on Him. you have the right to be disappointed in me, i guess. wrong place, wrong time? He's in control and i believe that too firmly to the pt i'm sure u're frus with me for leaving my life in a faceless Being. but i think you shld get used to the fact that i'm still going to leave my life in His hands. therefore, my decision sticks. i'm sorry.

You did good, guys!

i'm grateful.. grateful to Him for providing ppl to contribute to tonight's event.. grateful to Him for the ppl who showed up.. grateful to Him that we even have a reason to have tonight!

the evangelistic talk's finally over. i can't really give my 2 cents worth on the talk as i missed the first part, settling the catering stuff outside. response might not be fantastic. but it feels good. just knowing that ppl actually come down to hear the good news makes me feel fantastic.. just knowing that they are sharing in the word. as to whether they believe or not, i'm leaving it to the guy up there. so i just want to make some shoutouts..

to the ushers.. jeri and gang (is it obvious that i don't know who really is in the usher team? paiseh).. to the registration and book corner ppl, sheryl, jingting, debz w, mich koh jnr, debbie.. the song team, ben, gwen, jer loo, dom, brandon, evan, rita.. the emcees, zx and fel.. and finally the exco. well done. =]

let's continue to perservere for His glory, aites? Fun day up next!

2 more day...

Highest Place
Jesus Christ, in very nature God
Did not grasp hold of His place on the throne
But took on the nature of a servant
Made Himself nothing born as a man
Being found in appearance as a man
He was obedient to death on the cross
There He died, God, the Son, the Maker
A humble servant showing the way

Therefore God exalted Him to the highest place
And gave Him the name above all names
So that at the name of Jesus
Every knee shall bow
In Heaven and on earth and under the earth
And every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord
To the glory of God the Father

***
What: God and Suffering, the great mismatch?
When: 7th Oct, 2005 (week 7 for SMU), 7pm
Where: School of Accountancy SMU, Conference Hall 2
Who: Pastor Chris Chia from ARPC

3 days more...

Knowing You, Jesus
All I once held dear, built my life upon
All this world reveres and wars to own
All I once thought gain I have counted loss
Spent and worthless now compared to this

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing
You're my all, You're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love You, Lord

Now my heart's desire is to know You more
To be found in You and known as Yours
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All surpassing gift of righteousness

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing
You're my all, You're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love You, Lord

***
What: God and Suffering, the great mismatch?
When: 7th Oct, 2005 (week 7 for SMU), 7pm
Where: School of Accountancy SMU, Conference Hall 2
Who: Pastor Chris Chia from ARPC

Love Thy Neighbor('s car)

the cars in my neighborhood are nice. oh wait. understatement of the year. the cars in my neighborhood are drop dead gorgeous. series of BMW, Mini, Lexus, Mercs, Hondas and Porsches. pretty pretty.

walking home is enjoyable and annoying at times. take today for example. i was walking past rgps when i heard an unmistakable low purr. it was an inner battle in myself to not turn back to look at it. when the purr grew louder and suddenly paused, i turned. true enough, the porsche carerra was behind me. *damn!* the driver looked at me. i half-expected her to smirk. *argh* i hate that when it happens.

and before i can get over it, a black BMW convertible passes me. i'm about to cry. these drivers know that i'm looking at the car. the shophouses and restuarants at greenwood greet me cheerily with the new orange coat that frames the shop names. all the momma vehicles (SUVs and MVPs) were out in full force. BMW X5, BMW Z4s, Lexus RX300, Honda Pilot, Honda straam, Mercedes SUV ML500. pretty cars belonging to the owners eating in Les Amis' Coq & Bull or Sebestians or Pepperoni.. if not they are lounging in L' Estaminent or having a Jap meal in the new Jap restaurant. expensive restaurants equate rich expats and pretty cars. of course we've got toyotas and mitsubishis in the crowd as well..

then i looked again. the unmistakeable golden emblem with the red and black streak and the black horse. the silver porsche Cayenne was winking at me.

i smiled back.

then walking on, a mini cooper passed me. i watched it and looked into a house accidentally. a dark blue Honda s2000 convertible was in the driveway. i was about to cry and another Lexus momma vehicle came in view.

it's the neighborhood, i tell u. my hand was nearly fully in my mouth to stop the tears. amazing eye candy in the neighborhood. i can only wish for that Lexus RX300. i don't even dare dream abt the Porsche. pretty cars... then a proton saab drove up. i watched it, a little shocked. i'm not saying that protons aren't good cars. it was just out of place in the middle of the BMWs and mitsubishi SUVs and MPVs. then two real estate agents walked out. (very obvious 'cos they were in suits, one was holding a file and one was asking, "which house is it?")

when i went home, i met my dad driving the toyota picnic out. told my younger bro abt all the cars. he grinned.

"it's the neighborhood we live in."

eye candy galore...

Alone in Lib P.R 3.9. this place is practically my second home, just as the old lib L3 was my second home.. or rather my home. haiz. updates on the mundane life..

just had spanish test on monday. praying that profesor glen decides to grade it upon 20 and give 5 bonus marks. then i'll get 19/20. 19/25 is just too depressing. just had my ACL test. how? i derno. praying that i'll pass. i actually know how to join tables with primary and secondary keys. microsoft access is just too complicated for the miserable throbbing lump lodged in my skull. got Ethics this saturday. after that, i have the Kenoki talk at Meritus Mandarin. fun ah? haiz. tired.

as proof of my tiredness, i had a irish cream latte from galilee cafe at abt 10ish in the morning and another german blend from TCC at abt 2ish close to 3. i'm still yawning. but then again, it's just me. hot coffee doesn't do much for me unless it's early morning where my body clock is unconscious. by noon, my body is no longer sleeping but longs to sleep. caffeine fails me then. *yawnz*

after the first week of school, or specifically the freshmen bash, i told myself that i would not drink alcohol (unless it's white wine from home) until sch's out. no wild nights in the town, not that i do it very often anywayz. but ws thinks it's hilarious to tempt me with deals at Eastside and Siam supperclub (SSC). damn. the waterfall concoction at SSC is just really pretty. but no alcohol. argh. the lobster meals with wine and steak with beer... happy hour at breweks.. happy hour at paulaner.. this dreamer is not very happy. and by some strange reasoning, i've been listening to partying songs.. songs that i would love to hear in the clubs. does it get me depressed? very. but i'm still listening to them. argh. i torture myself really..

anywayz, looking forward to next friday when we have our evangelistic talk. sure, my invites get turned down.. but it just pushes me to ask more people each time. it's not just for the sake of making the numbers. but i would love for those i care for hear the gospel.. to come and appreciate the good news that i have already. never been more excited. *bouncing around sleepily*

i haven't updated my flog or stog for really long.. no time to go Bugis and enjoy.. no muse to write stories.. i might have an idea coming up.. but it's.. it seems a little too personal to put up. will reflect more on it and if i get a story that ain't too personal to anyone i know, i'll put it up, k?

week 6. 9 more weeks to go. Hang in there, my dear SMUs!

Lord, grant that i shall never seek
so much to be consoled as to console
to be understood, as to understand
or to be loved, as to love with all my heart
- Band of Brothers









Part 6 of the series. it's a pov of Eugene Roe, the medic of Easy Company, as the men hold out the front line at Bastogne. they are tired.. too many are getting injured and sick.. supplies are low.. medication is even lower.. and it's going to be Christmas in the middle of WW2. and the germans present them with shelling time and time again.

the above quote was from Eugene Roe in the show. no idea if the real Eugene Roe really said those lines but they just make sense. given his situation then, he was about to break down.. abt to crumble. and the prayer was muttered by Shane Taylor, the guy who plays Eugene Roe in BoB. the look of exhaustion, the wretched dirtied face who's so overwhelmed by his role when he had no medical experience prior to the war. yet the character found the strength to console, understand and love more than he would ever receive.

having just finished the study on loving one another on tuesday. done my time for this sem. time to take a back seat for my group leader. this assist. leader is gonna smile and encourage you from the sidelines. anywayz, yes. the study.

after the leader's bs last week, wai asked us to take time to sit and reflect on the passage together. we always say love one another because it's God's command. while sharing, i admitted that i get very disheartened when i try my best to love those who are hard to love.. but don't feel loved in return. like it's a one way thing and not a two way thing. we spoke abt the importance of it being a 2-way thing and i felt quite at ease that night.

Yet before i went to bed, i had a nagging feeling that i was wrong.. so wrong.. i took up my bible again and started to read.. to read and remember. 1 John 3:16 (something with John and 3:16.. ahaha) says that Jesus laid down his life for us. and we were to do the same.. practice that form of self-sacrifical love. then i paused and closed my eyes. re-enacted. thought of the Gospels..

"Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do." Luke 23:34

i opened my eyes.

what a fool i've been.

when Jesus gave up his life.. when he laid down his life.. when he died for us.. he knew then at that point of time, he was dying for his enemies. not just for those who loved him. for those who hated him as well. He died.. for everyone of us.

how dumb was i! i keep telling ppl to be like Christ.. i keep telling myself that as well.. and there i was earlier, seeking reciprocated love before i would love more. how shameful. so when i turned back to my older posts, i saw that quote which i had put up in one of my posts in the early middle of this year. reminding myself to continually be the best i can be and more.. to not let others affect how i please God. will keep praying.. for me.. for my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.. that truly, we will do as God has commanded.. to keep loving each other..

as for the rest of the episode. Eugene met a nurse in the hospital where he would go to get supplies. they start talking and he finally has a friend.. has someone who sees him more than just a medic.. but sees him as a fellow helper in the war. then the germans bomb the hospital just as Eugene reach to get more supplies. and he loses a compadre in the war.. again.. like his many other friends in the war. but he has a duty. to continue assuming the role that was assigned to him.. to help others.. to put them before himself. which is why during the way, you rarely see oppositions hit the medic.

others:
Chung Sean Vun don't like my wishlist... actually, it depresses me to look at it 'cos i haven't bought a single thing from there yet. and i'm buying other CDs.. considering james blunt and bsb. yes, u saw it right. bsb. i'm a lame-no-brainer love song sap. derno leh.. still thinking. getting rid of wishlist. and i'm upset. marty and mig weren't the final 2 for rockstar. it was marty and jd. damn. and no, marty didn't win. jd did. i'm quite upset. haiz.. but mig was good on bohemian rhapsody. i don't quite understand that song though..

just checked my gmail spam.. and woah ho.. 2 fraudsters trying to get me. right. like i'm a dumb ass. even if i'm dumb enough to fall for their tricks, i'm no fellow fraudster who plans to rob the dead (read letters for clearer view). i have put up both Moron 1 and Moron 2 emails and highlight errors which a banker or lawyer is unlikely to make. kaoz. wanna bruff oso kernot bruff porperly..

Moron1:
Subject: CALVARY GREETINGS {notes:wth..}

Good Day

I am Mr. Andrie Bramintya, Branch Manager of Australia & New Zealand Banking Group Limited of 1 Raffles Place #32-00 OUB Centre Singapore 048616. I have urgent and very confidential business proposition for you. A British Oil consultant/contractor with the Singapore Solid Minerals Corporation, {Mr.Wilson H. Diamond} made a numbered time (Fixed) Deposit for twelve calendar months, valued at US$10,750,000.00 (Ten Million, Seven Hundred and Fifty Thousand Dollars) {note: I moron also ah? cannot read numbers? damnit} in my branch. Upon maturity, I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply.

After a month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers, the Singapore Solid Minerals Corporation that Mr Wilson H. Diamond died in a plane crash along with his wife, Mr and Mrs Wilson & Sarah Diamond in 2000 air crash. {note: *crying from laughter* his wife has a hell of a long name too!}. Since we got this information about his death. On further investigation, I found out that he died without making a WILL {the moron must think i don't know what a will is.. caps until liddat..), and all attempts to trace his next of kin was fruitless.

I therefore made further investigation and discovered that Mr.Diamond did not declare any kin or relations in all his official documents, including his Bank Deposit paper work in my Bank. This sum of US$10,750,000.00 is still sitting in my Bank and the interest is being rolled over with the principal sum at the end of each year. No one will ever come forward to claim it.

According to Laws of Singapore, at the expiration of 5(five) years which is this year, the money will revert to the ownership of the Government if nobody applies to claim the fund. Consequently, my proposal is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand in as the next of kin to Mr. Diamond so that the fruits of this old man's labor will not get into the hands of some corrupt government officials.

This is simple, I will like you to provide immediately your full names an address so that the attorney will prepare the necessary documents and affidavits that will put you in place as the next of kin. We shall employ the services of an attorney for drafting and notarization of theWILL and to obtain the necessary documents in your favor for the transfer. A bank account in any part of the world that you will provide will then facilitate the transfer of this money to you as the beneficiary/next of kin. The money will be paid into your account for us to share in the ratio of 70% for me and 30% for you.

There is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this transaction will be done bythe attorney and my position as the Branch Manager guarantees the successful execution of this transaction. If you are interested, please reply immediately via the private email address below. Upon your response, I shall then provide you with more details and relevant documents that will help you understand the transaction. Please send me your confidential telephone and fax numbers for easy communication. Please observe utmost confidentiality, and be rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us because I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country.

Awaiting
your urgent reply via my e-mail address
and_bra112@yahoo.com.sg

BestRegards,

Andrie Bramintya.
_________________

And oh, if you're wondering, i actually replied them.. will update on their replies.. it's fraudsters like these that rob the dead who piss me off. and very smart ah? email a singaporean and tell her that her govt is corrupt. bloody tossers.. one by one all bloody tossers, this bloody frausters.. they call my govt corrupt. pot calling kettle black.