sunday... was raining for a while.

'twas a nice feeling.. just eating cola candy and drinking hot green tea while staring blankly at my AFA. trying to get my dad to go to the supermarket. i wanna grab a trolley and tear down the candy and snacks aisle.. all the candies that i used to eat all the time..

blackcurrant pastiles.. lime hacks.. jelly tots.. sour ribbons.. twirl.. kinder bueno.. kit kat chunky.. nerds.. gobstoppers.. sour apple ribbons.. pretzels.. Calbee hot and spicy.. Lays BBQ..

i don't need a visit to the supermarket. i need a visit at candy empire again. time to stock up once more.

not on candy.. but stock up on things that used to make my day. ('cept ice cream. too much at home.)

it's just... perhaps i don't wanna grow up 'cos i still find comfort in that enigmatic calming effect of feeling like a kid. it's just that giddy euphoria i get from standing in front of the many rows of candy.. or that wild uncontainable happiness when i'm grabbing soft toys off the shelves in toys'r'us..


perhaps i'll never really grow up.. but i don't want to.


anyhoo, pretty happy with my current set of playlist to see me through when i'm studying.. a whole host of songs to sing along to.. Jars of Clay.. The Calling.. Our Lady Peace.. Lifehouse.. and Dishwalla. one of the two CDs that i wanna get my hands on. Dishwalla. the other being MCR. I only have one of Dishwalla's songs, "Angels and Devils" from a friend. they're pretty ok. by chance, i came across the lyrics of another of their songs, "Healing Star"

Let me be your healing star
Let me take you far from there
And take you anywhere

so many things i wanna do.. go candy empire.. go toys'r'us.. watch deathnote.. buy CDs.. where to find the time?

oh.. what are the chances of me having a hairline crack at my ankle after i smashed it against the footrest of the shoulder-press chair in the gym? damn painful...

training was tmd siong. seriously. i went to bed aching. i woke up aching. i swear, i was ready to throw up after my second last set of suicides. how i managed to get by the last one without collapsing still remains a pure mystery. got a headache after training.. went to bed with a headache.. still got a heavy head now. and aching too..

i know it sounds masochistic of me but honestly, i'm glad i'm feeling this way. i've managed to pushed myself. power training is seriously no joke. oh. did i mention that my bench press is up from 9 kg aside last week to 10 kg aside this week? i'm closer to my goal of benching 15 kg aside. it doesn't count that i can do 25 kg bar. BEC-ers, you shld know that..

please girls, don't let this scare you. bryan will go on and on abt how i shld not be doing manly push-ups. by the way, they are not called manly-push-ups. they are just called push-ups. when you put your knees down, they are not called womanly push-ups. they are just called assisted push-ups. Bryan, stop scaring everyone!

and girls, dragonboating does not make u a man, damnit! instead, you feel good about yourself. i'm not talking abt the ability to look in the mirror and go, "hey! i've got toned arms!" it's the ability to look at your own reflection in the mirror and go, "i pushed myself today. i struggled, i fought and i survived."

Girls Team: We are not men. We are girls. What makes us different? We are fighters.

we've all showed it in our lives. i remember the night of sharing during the DB camp, we all had similar stories.. about meeting with adversity.. and coping with it in our unique little ways that have brought about that little fighter in us.

we fight. and we'll continue fighting. just like my christian walk. i'll keep fighting to stick to what i fervantly believe in.

but with the pushing from ah zhui during training.. guess we aren't fighting as much as we shld be. 23 more days to push ourselves more and more. fine. we might puke. we were mad enough to join dboat to begin with. ahahahahaha

In the day after AFA class, jos and i decided to head for bubble tea as a breaktime snack. on our way back, we sat under the tree at campus green with ben, fel and esther. it was nice to just sit and sing songs. before we knew it, we were talking about Sunday School songs.

i've never been to Sunday School but back in my kindergarden (which is now known as the tiny kindergarden housed by newton life church.. the church wasn't even there when the sch was!!), we were taught songs to sing along too. the typical stuff like, "He's got the whole world", "Deep down in my heart", "Rising of the sun", "Because He Lives".. all the action songs.

then in MGS, chapel wld have action-songs once in a while just 'cos it was fun. i was in a class of GB girls so they taught us little dances as they strummed in class and we sang along. it's just such an integral part of my christian life.. being able to sit around with people and sing christian songs. it wasn't a closed-eyes-raised-hands experience for me in mgs. it was a i'm-glad-you're-here-next-to-me-singing type of feel. where even if i closed my eyes, the girls wld have linked arms and wld be swaying together.

i'm feeling like a kid now.. don't ask me why. just really miss those days of being able to sing my worries away.. the simple thrill i got out of things like dancing in the rain and letting it wash my troubles away... i still like singing.. i still like dancing in the rain. but it doesn't feel the same anymore.

but whatever it is.. i'll just keep on singing and dancing..

Give me oil in my lamp
Keep me burning, burning, burning
Give me oil in my lamp
I pray, i pray
Give me oil in my lamp
Keep me burning, burning, burning
Keep me burning 'til the break of day

and i'll keep on going.. keep on praying.. not for myself. but for Him. =)

**********

Would you light my candle?

up to 20,000 children appear in pornographic images online everyday

There are more than 100,000 child pornography sites on the internet

19% of paedophiles have images of children 3 years and below

similar to one.org, these people are not asking for ur money. heck, they aren't even asking for your name or email or any other details. they are asking for your voice. it doesn't make sense for a person to light more than one candle. 'cos it gives others a reason to not be aware of this issue just because we've hit the numbers. it's not how many candles that we light.

it's how many people we create that awareness in.




Have you lit your candle yet?

http://www.lightamillioncandles.com

interesting stuff...

anyone heard abt the Yale student, Aleksey Vayner, who decided to screw his life up? He created his own company and charity. and oh yes. he also "wrote" and "published" a book on women during the Holocaust?

anyhoo, the company's fake. the charity is a spin-off from a real one. the book? snippets copied from other sources. and the best part is that Vayner decided to create 3 hoax websites in case his future employers decide to do a background check. whatever the case, the lovely people at UBS (the company that he sent his resume to) decided to circulate it in the company. somehow, now a number of companies on wallstreet are enjoying some valuable rest time by laughing at vayner's expense.

how far would you go to impress your future employers? i take heart that God needs no impressing. He has already accepted me.

whatever the case, this nut managed to get youtube.com to remove his video from their website. yes. video. he made an inspiration video for his interviews. (i did mention that he's a nutter) Impossible is nothing. ooogay. whatever you say, vayner..

anywayz, don't fret. the ivy league have put it up on their blog!

check it out here: http://www.ivygateblog.com/blog/2006/10/calling_aleksey_vayners_bluff.html#comments

aren't they absolute darlings? you have got to love them. but it's a wake-up call to us right? how's that, uni students? remember, don't lie in your resumes. if you do, better pray that it doesn't circulate in the CBD, making you Vayner of Singapore (VOS). hey, that's catchy. =)

if anything, things are looking interesting for Vayner. seems that Mr "impossible is nothing" has sent a "cease and disist" letter to the IvyGate. not that it was original to begin with. this guy is hopeless. well, the ivy league blog is more than enough to entertain those stuck at home this weekend.

but using slander as a claim? i wonder how vayner will fight this out. how abt ivygate? groundless threats? it wasn't slander to begin with. libel perhaps. Mr Yale should get his terms right if he plans to blow the entire thing out of proportion. i'm absolutely chaffed. this will be interesting to follow while it plays out.

P.S: if ivy league is made to remove the video due to the *ahem* "cease and disist" from Vayner, ask me. i'll describe the hilarity to you.

P.P.S: seems like vayner was the butt of the yale joke when he was a freshman back in 2002. read page 12 of http://www.yale.edu/rumpus/archives/pdf/rumpus_may02.pdf

who ever said those stubble uppers don't have a sense of humor? i'm thrilled.

Somebody up there loves me

Friday 13th ain't all that bad that ppl make it out to be.

naturally, i was annoyed abt the fact that i had to return to school for a day of meetings. it wasn't back to back anymore. ipr meeting was postponed to mon so just two meetings with 3 hours in between. the meetings went ok, i think. more deadlines to push us.. think i've gotten that momentum back finally.

with the 3 hours to spare, i headed to the gym for a good workout. coughing a bit now but hey, i'm on the road to recovery finally. just hope to get a better sleep tonight. my throat kept me up for a really long time before i finally dozed off.

but i have to admit, wgt training was fantastic. i actually increased my weights! CJ thought it was a bit weird 'cos when people are sick, they don't normally increase but decrease it. me? i increased it. ahahaha. CJ was a spotter like no one i've ever met. he was nearby to watch me but never helped. forced me to push beyond my limits. thanks bro. and erm.. ahaha yy can vouch for my certain highness. (yy: is it my fault that he's terribly hot yet terribly gay at the same time? even you think he's cute.)

after tax planning meeting, i headed to the supermecado (si. me hablo un poco espanol. no muy mal pero no bien. mi espanol es mas o meno). bought myself some pescado for dinner. that's when i realized why ppl felt today was unlucky.

the computer system was down, thus causing the pricing system to be down. in the entire supermarket. many people got so frustrated that they left with their trolleys in the way. it was terrible. the poor staff had to run around and return the perishable goods into the cooler areas. ppl were annoyed and the staff had to tolerated them. i felt so sorry for the staff.. the ppl in my queue paid for what they cld pay for and stormed off, leaving the counter lady to run around and return them.

yet when it came to the guy just in front of me, the system returned..to only our queue. the guy had been very patient and tried to make the flustered counter lady calm down. meanwhile, the other queues were clearly agitated and the poor counter staff had to tolerate ranting housewives. when i paid for my items, i tried to calm the poor lady down as well. she really didn't deserve it. the staff was helpless.. if anything, fault shld be pinned on the system for not having a back-up, not the staff.

if i had to complain abt anything, it would be standard of the english of the annoucements. i cringed and mentally blocked it out of my mind. sighz. what to do... =p

perhaps i'm not so tough after all...

after training in the haze on saturday, i headed down to the chinese garden when some of the cfers. didn't see much from the top of the pagoda this year. stupid haze. to give ya a lowdown, i trained when the haze was abt 130 on the PSI.. and was walking around when it was 150 before going for beer. sooooooo....

i was left pretty sick on sunday. holding back the dry cough, i was chugging down all sorts of nonsense. ginseng tea, hot tea with honey, herbal cooling tea.. i kept waking up in the middle of the night to drink water 'cos i would choke on the dryness of my throat. so.. not exactly the kind of sleep that would allow me to get better.

yday, i wasn't any better. so i got my bum down to the doc's after sophie let me in on the fact that we now no longer have to pay for the school one. the last time i went to the doctor in school, i had to pay upfront and claim for it through OSL. i stayed away from it. don't know when they finally changed it but yea.

finally armed with my medication and slightly high abt hitting the waters again, i went down for training, minus the crazy sprints. training was good. i got to row on the left waway. and i felt fantastic, as though my entire system was cleared out. i wasn't coughing or sneezing..

then this morning, i felt like total crap.

i wasn't aching very badly. just the normal aches. but my throat felt lumpy. yay. swollen tonsils despite the fact that i took my medication the night before. i'm still hiding the fact that i'm on medication from my mom. she'd chew me up and spit me out if she found out. my nose was on a dripfest. taking my medication, i went for the equipping workshop a little too groggy for my liking.

was photographer for the rest of the day at sentosa. can't say i had a sucky time but i wished i could have had more fun. felt like a party pooper at the end of the day 'cos i just got sooo drained. too much vitamin K ain't good for sick babies, esp when it's two days in a row. *suck thumb* i finally decided not to stay out too late and left with bryan and his gf instead of joining the rest for dinner as i had planned. she lives near me so i got a free ride home. (thankiew bryan!)

btw, Sam's a total sweetheart. i had to write this 'cos even though we haven't had a chance to hang out much today or as a matter of fact, the entire term, he just smsed me and told me to take care of myself. you have gotta lurve brothers like that. thankiew, ah bang!

here are some pictures...

Lantern Festival 2006

pretty maids in a row...

fel and me!

have you met my da ge? he wants to meet you if you're a hot single christian girl. ahahaha. kidding, josh.

Funday 06/07 Term 1

songs before the activities today kicked off

now i lay me down to sleep

zaixiang after a run-in with a water-happy felicia

a very color-coordinated eugene

hunchback of CF!

have you met my pregnant CGL? (don't even ask..)

does good service equate to casual flirting with the customers?

i've had my share of fantastic service. Robinsons dude running up and down to find me the best pillow due to my neck problem. NUM guys being amazingly helpful in helping me find tees for a friend's birthday..

but there's a new batch of people with a different definition of good service.. they honestly.. flirt.

don't ask me why... they say silly stuff like "you soo pretty" *puke*

advice to the service staff of singapore.. be nice!! not buaya!! it's very annoying, honestly. i laugh it off and humor them. but please don't. it's not called for professionally. perhaps it's 'cos i'm small and thus, they think it's ok? i don't think so..

enough of ranting choong siang is relegating me to the back of the counter with his "gym staff-gym trainer" argument. annoying... =p

don't know what to do next. i'm tired..

i shldn't be thinking abt nonsense like that during the term time. does nothing but distract me at this time. some issues confuse me.. some irritate and annoy me.. some make me upset. i shld be studying, damnit!

do i want to know the truth all the time? fine, gospel truth i will always wanna know. but truth abt all the other stuff that's been hounding me? i don't know. i want to be relieved to know that i've been wrong about it all the time.

as for the two of you, i'm sorry. i just don't know what to think at this point of time. i don't even want to think abt it until i'm safely in oz without your presence. pray for me, that i'll resolve it by the time i get back.

anyhoo, i'm in a christmas mood. don't asked me why. wishing that i had snow to look forward to.. making snow angels and tiny snowmen.. sipping warm chocolate at a cosy fireplace corner.. yes, i'm thinking about Grand Canyon during winter again. i miss that place. sure, it was a snowing so hard that i was unable to really enjoy the grand canyon as i would have been able to in the summer.

but i just wanna go shopping for that white christmas tree... pretty christmas ornaments.. singing christmas carols.. christmas shopping.. spending time with those who mean a lot to me.. giving thanks for the reminder of the birth of my Lord (note: i said "reminder of the birth" and not "birthday").. and knowing that jingting will be back then makes me long for it even more.

that's it.. i need a trip down to toys'r'us.. badly.

Where are you, Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know?
I'm not the same one
See what time's done
Is that why you have let me go

*****
to my sick babies, please take care.. esp my dear dragonboaters. drink plenty of water. if you have a sore throat, drink herbal tea and water and hot lemon tea with honey.. got cold don't blow ur nose off. take ur medication and sleep! come back and train with us soon. for now, we'll train for you. *muacks*

i thought it was bad when my friends were matchmaking me or teasing me with guys..

now my family's into it.

my dearest sisters found a photo in the stack that we recently developed of me and a guy friend. they promptly took it to my grandma who now thinks i'm attached. of course i called her up and rectified the issue. maybe it's a ploy to get me to talk my granny abt such issues.. i don't really like the bgr talks that i have with her 'cos she's getting a bit too worried abt me being single..

i don't understand the two morons. i love them.. i really do.. but don't get me into nonsensical trouble like that.. esp when that friend is attached already! *bleepity bleeping bleep* man.. speaking of guys.. i met rhys just now. it was nice to see a familiar face after so long. kinda like how it was when i met lem after losing contact once we left acjc.. just.. bittersweet nostalgia

don't feel too good now. think i ate too much for dinner esp with my current state. got a consistent slight cough while my nose goes crazy on me once in a while. rowed on the left today during training. it felt good to return to the left after so long though it also meant that i had to relearn the strokes on my left now. challenging but Mr Sng was really precise and clear when i approached him for more help after training.

when i rowed, all i could think of was my guiding arm.. my back when joan reminded me.. twisting more.. bending the pulling arm.. full blade in water.. vertical entry..

and once Zhui shouts "Easy" after each 1 min set, the first thought that enters my heard is "Shit.. AFA.." tiredness and stress don't agree with me. i got so frustrated with my wandering mind cos i knew that i was to reflect on my pulling and transfer. so whenever i rowed, i really tried to get myself so tired that i would only think abt recovering in time for the next set. during bathtime, i couldn't really stand straight in the showers. was shaking a little and my actions felt slow and deliberate as the hands were slowly loosening up after cramping up. my back's a little stiff right now.

sorry, joan! you had to keep correcting me just now. i'm really trying my best to relax my back more.. but i still freeze up when i don't think abt my back and worry about my guiding hand. will take note of it next training all the way up to June Fest next year!

back to my current basketcase state. my fingers are still shaking. feeling giddy plus i nearly threw up my dinner just now. still feel like throwing up a little and i still have AMA and AFA to do. happy happy joy joy. i'm ok with the workload. just not in my current physical and mental state where i really wonder if i'm headed for that crash and burn state.

i miss both my sunshine boy and happy nut now..

****
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

And there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breath again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
- Savage Garden (Crash and Burn)

ministry settled for the next two years after graduation.. i think. At supper after bible study on Thursday, 28th Sept 2006, over ice kachang, i gave James my word to continue returning to SMUCF.. to be equipped and to equip. for the next two years... yupe.

SMUCF hasn't seen the last of me. (and i thought i could run away to overseas where no one knows me)

let's just say that i want to be that senior to the juniors just as my seniors were to me. don't know if they remember it all. but i remember snippets of stuff that they told me.

vic telling me not to kill myself by pulling a one-man-show.. liyang and i talking on msn and having that one lunch together to really just share.. desmond doing a 1 hr "Kingdom of God in the Bible" with me and Ben at my first ABR on the first night at 12 am. or thereabout.. the walks back home with fred where he forced me to think critically abt ministry and my life.. the solo bible studies with baoyi where i was scared stiff (and apparantly she freaked out as well).. the Two-Ways-To-Live with Kelly, Bok and Bao.. the bus rides home with GH and JC where GH confused me for bulk of the time but when you really understand what he's trying to bring across, you just pretty much get slapped when you realize that you're not doing what you should be..

i don't remember crying to anyone of them in particular though.. hm.. only mich lee who's been there for me when i beat myself up just because of moments where i feel "lonely" and upset that i'm not content with God. oh. she also saw me thru in my first year as an exco member crying in the toilet 'cos i wasn't really assured of being a Child of God. Yes, my dear 2004/05 exco, i was struggling a lot then. Dave should know. he was nagging at me alllllll the time. but thanks for all that, bro...

just.. so many memories resurfacing. think it's the nostalgia bit in me when i realize that i'm gonna graduate soon. not really ready to leave behind this ministry as much as i would love to leave Singapore to just experience the world and grow more in Him.

to be brutally honest, i struggled with being a christian for the longest time. december 2004 to july 2005. and i was an exco member then. can you imagine the fear and panic that i was trying to suppress? the many times i cried 'cos i was just so uncertain of where i was headed for: destruction or really that certainty of hope at the end of the day. i remember sitting by the evans road with Ford on the last night of dec camp 2004, just crying. (yes, i'm dead emotional. got a prob with that?)

Ford was amazing. he didn't say a word. i was ranting for most part of it. when my tears finally dried, he spoke. i can't remember most part of what he said to me that night but i still have the encouragement note he wrote to me:

It is always great to have you around as a friend and a sister in Christ. Thank you and others for always encouraging me and (bringing) me towards Christ... ...but talking to you really made me become more motivated. i really hope that you feel the same way. the road towards Christ is treacherous and tideous... ...True faith is the only way towards salvation. always think of ways to brighten up your Christian faith and life by always looing at the lovely side of things and not be so pesimisstic towards life. hee hee. cheer up!

and you wonder why i miss that dude so much.. SA had taken a dear brother away from me... can't wait for him to return from exchange.

but i digress.. i've written so much.. just to bring about the idea that the platform that God has given the Christians in SMU through SMUCF has been one heck of a journey for me. i've grown so much.. and now.. all i really wanna do is give it all back.. to served others as much or even more than how others have served me during their time of partnership in this ministry.

keep me accountable and in all of your prayers, aites? Lemme serve as much as or even more than those before me.

the day started out gloomy right from the time i awoke.

not feeling too well. got a slight cough and was sneezing madly this morning. worried abt tax planning and afa. heck, i'm not worried abt my grades. just worried about my dad getting pissed at me graduating with minimal honors or none at all. i'm not made for accounting. and once again, i questioned my choice to come to SMU. ya know what? i didn't really have a choice. it was either accounting in SMU or accounting in NTU. i'd end up either a SMUgger or NUTter anyway. just can't get the basic concept. seriously pissed with myself.

and my right shoulder is aching from training. not in an injured way. in a tired way. want a massage. basically, a terribly grumpy stoned out morning for me.

then i met you. and we talked. or rather i talked and you listened.

and i'm fervantly thanking God for everything that's lead up to today.

'cos of the uncanny way you make things better just because you are around.













PS: if you think it's you, it's not. i'm not saying who.. ahahahaha

PPS: It's just a very very very dear friend whom i'm not in love with. so jeri ong, you can stop thinking of ways to suan me.

terribly warm day but don't feel like eating ice cream.. i want.. i want.. my rhumba frappe..

had fun at eve's party last night. got to talk and chill with the girls. i lurve them all, honestly. at the end of it, ben sent yc and me home.

in the car, we just played his CD and sang along really loudly.. whether out of tune or the guys adding their own little erm.. "uniqueness" to the song. reminded me of the time bryan and i were singing along to the disney CD on top of our voices in the front seat while fred moaned about his headache in the backseat. you have gotta adore these guys. it's the little things that make me smile and love them even more despite how they manage to antagonize me in school time after time.

anyhoo, it's off to melbourne and sydney for me this december. *fingers crossed* the last time we tried to book a trip there, it was full. we ended up in the surreal winter wonderland of Japan. just thinking of the memories at asakusa, komatsu, shirakaba-go, tateshima, tokyo.. esp the magnificent dinner buffet spread followed by the soak in the hot spring while it was -15 C at night when we stayed ikenotaira at tateshima.. or even the ferris wheel that night at odaiba (biggest in asia!). as much as i'm afraid of heights, i seem to find myself on ferris wheels. the second biggest in asia is the ferris wheel at miramir in taipei. and yes, i've been on that one too.

but it's the sunny oz again. can't remember the last time i went to oz. think i was 14 and it was at perth. gosh. i miss perth terribly. the laidback charming feel of the place comes rushing back as i remember the time in the park surrounded by white swans.

so this time, i'm going back to oz. after 8 years. armed with a better camera and my 1 gb memory card. hope this time, it'll work out and i'll get some time away from Singapore and my friends. as much as i love them, i enjoy times of just one week or slightly more away from them. to get away from that giddy rush of being around them to take a breather. and reflect on the bonds forged in the past year. esp to my dear new friends. and get my thoughts sorted out on two very special friends.


(you two don't know how much you really mean to me. and honestly, neither do i. i need to sort this out with myself first with regards to you both. now's just not the time.)


Christmas party at the end of the year too. thinking of having it on the 30th of Dec. it's a sat. the usual post-christmas-pre-new-year party. CFers, anyone got a house to spare? or a function room at a more central condo? (Simei a bit far arh, eve..) if not, i'll have to think of a way to get my house for all of us. sticky issues at home with regards to christmas lah. you guys shld know. heez.