Reuben's Blog Entry

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Death has a way of making partings seem like they never happened. You don't have to say goodbye, you don't have to worry about sending the person off.

But you know that unlike the friends that leave you, they won't have a chance to be happy. And maybe thats all you want for those whom you spent time with in your life but have left you - for them to be happy.

*******

i never knew any of the 5 dragonboaters. i have no idea how their families and friends are taking it. i am in no place to say i understand how they feel. i don't. at all.

but i know friends who know them. and it's enough for me to feel grief. to just know that a dragonboat team lost 5 of their members is painful already.


that's how it is with humans right? we can be bitches. we can be mean, cynical, bitter. we can be insensitive, thoughtless and cruel.

but we can also feel for those around us. that a simple chain of connection.. a simple similar thought.. that causes that simple thread of life to connect us nevertheless.

that while we cannot say we know exactly how people feel after a tragic loss. that while we cannot say we know the extent of their grief 'cos to do so would be a scandal- one that makes the pain so trivial.

but because of that one thing that we all have, we feel for each other. we feel pain and grief in different degrees but that ache in the heart tugs and nags at us and makes us cry even when we are supposed to be the ones consoling those who are in need of relief.

just because we are humans.

finally had the chance to go back to church today. and a verse is just echoing in my head now..

"How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!" Romans 10:15

something that's been bugging me.. this selfish desire to leave everything behind.. to start afresh. literally to start all over again.

i've been honestly thinking about overseas ministry. to pick everything up and go overseas. but i see the many opportunities at home already. is it selfish of me to want to uproot and do ministry somewhere else?

just that for the past one week, i've been thinking of that church at zhongnan station, near where i stayed when i was in taipei. started when reg asked if i ever considered going overseas to work or live. i mentioned melbourne. i've always wanted to go melbourne to work and live 'cos of the theological exposure i know i will get there..

and what happens to that exposure?

i wanna give back. i wanna serve to give people that exposure. a easy route would just to come back home and help out with PT, right? then the little church came to mind. i wld see the older folk leave the church at night when i'm going back to rest. to see them serve.. my heart goes out to them..

and i know the level of biblical exposure they get there is nothing like what we get here. and i just want to be there.. maybe it's just self-satisfaction on my part. just me trying to find a place when i know i'm contributing and feeling good about myself because i know i'm helping out.

oh to get my hands on a chinese bible.. and to stop people from laughing at me when i speak mandarin. haiz.

anywayz, back to the verse... wld be nice to get it tattooed on the right edge of my right foot tarsel.. to remind me to keep on moving for Him. :)

my fantastic little sister never fails to amuse me. first, she had her whole neeewdles thingy with noodles.. then there was the story of sunflower seed factories that make use of hamsters to shell the seeds. ("how else do you think the seeds come out so pretty and saltily flavorered?" i managed to ask with a freaking straight face. i rock.)

tonight, while watching news, my mom remarked that her blackberry did not have predictive texting. i nodding, as if she was stating the obvious. wasn't she? then little did i know, she was actually wondering why her blackberry didn't have predictive text.. which made the whole night even funnier.

after a while, my younger sister came out from the kitchen and looked at my mom.

"Where's your blueberry?"

now, i honestly thought it was most selfish of my mommy to buy blueberries and not tell me. my mom just stared at my younger sister quizzically. my younger sister had a don't-you-understand-the-words-that-are-coming-out-of-my-mouth look on her face.

then my mother collapsed, laughing. "IT'S A BLACKBERRY!"

*twirling hair moment*

i laughed sooo hard, i swear. it's just as bad as my 4 bimbotic darlings chorusing "oohhsss" when i broke open the macaroon at Menotti.

i decided that i shld get some work done in the study. after a while, my younger sister walked into the study, fuming. she asked me if i knew that the blackberry didn't have a predictive text function. i nodded. like duh right?

apparantly, she decided to help my mom activate the predictive text mode. (??????!!?!!???). i stared at her like she was mad. now, she's feeling like an absolute idiot and i'm blogging about it to share her fantastic little night with everyone.

my poor little bimbo-tic sister. *twirl hair*

i've been thinking of running away. just running away from what the world demands of me.. away from the persecution and the inner battles that i face day by day.

i saw a brochure at home the other day. "study abroad in perth". again, i was seized by that insatiable urge to drop everything and leave it all behind.

..and go to Melbourne to pursue postgrad studies. maybe hospitality. maybe law. maybe even head over to Moore college. but that idea of implanting myself somewhere new and foreign.. to start afresh literally.

i wanna clear the skeletons in my closet. i want to come out of the closet and let the world know who i've chosen to call Savior. to let everyone know that i serve a faithful Lord. right now, not everyone knows of this. in time to come, i will let the world how He's changed me and made me new. and to start afresh.


give me 3 years


after 3 years, i will leave all these behind physically. i will leave old scars and wounds and start anew. live my life the way i want to.. the way that wld please Him to no end. that He will remember me for my faithfulness and devotion to Him alone.

is it His will and that i will find the capacity and capability to say goodbye to this life and move on to newer things? things that will still please Him? i have no idea. But whatever the case, it's something i will work towards.. to work towards that completeness of a perfect relationship with Him. i'm far from that. but i'm working towards it.. whatever Your will, be it unto me.


Be it unto me
According to your Word
According to your promises
I can stand secure
Carve upon my heart
The truth that sets me free
According to your Word O Lord
Be it unto me

You promised your word will deliver
Lord, we believe it's true
You promised us joy like a river
Lord we receive it from you
These things you have spoken
And you're bringing to pass
This world's disappearing
But your word will last

Be it unto me
According to your Word
According to your promises
I can stand secure
Carve upon my heart
The truth that sets me free
According to your Word O Lord
Be it unto me

You promised to carry our sorrows
Lord, we believe it's true
You promised unending tomorrows
Lord we receive them from you
These things you have spoken
And you're bringing to pass
This world's disappearing
But your word will last

House, MD fascinates me. i love the dry humor.. the almost quiet sadness.. the horror at doctors snooping in their patient's apartments to find out whether the illness is due to environmental causes.. and even better when Greg House fakes his own cancer in Season 3's "Half-wit". hilarity ensues as everyone thinks he's gonna die. the following is the exchange between the very very very very gorgeous Jesse Spencer and the all-so-hot-Brit Hugh Laurie.

Chase: i'm sorry you're dying. i'm gonna hug you. anything to say?
House: well if you're considering grabbing my ass, don't start anything-
Chase: (hugs House)
House: -you can't finish. (pause)
House: as long as we're just standing here, do you mind if we work? it gets the treatment going. (pause)
House: are you crying?
Chase: (pulls away abruptly) no.

aw man.. you have to watch it to understand what i'm talking abt. the two of them.. make the show super duper fun to watch..

yes. i'm a very distracted girl.

with the rain and work today (i honestly hate reconciling millions of datasheet..), i lined up a couple of country songs on the player and let it serenade me.. and oh what an afternoon it was.

She said were much too different
We're from two separate worlds
And he admitted she was partly right
But in his heart's defense he told her
What they had in common
Was strong enough to bond them for life
He said look behind your own soul
And the person that you'll see
Just might remind you of me

I laugh, I love, I hope, I try
I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry
And I know you do the same things, too
So we're really not that different, me and you
- Colin Raye "Not that Different"

just reminded me of the time loo loo and i were sharing sad love songs with each other. that boy is so easily excitable and an absolute sucker for such songs. ahahah. emo nemo. but those memories did bring a smile to my face.. something i needed quite badly today. just.. having one of 'em monday blues.

Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.
- Keith Urban "Tonight i wanna cry"

let's just say that i would have cried if i wasn't so worried abt my eyeliner and mascara. oh well. the day's coming to an end. and no.. not all my country songs are dead depressing. like my keith urban album? it's got my second fave song from him, "Raining on Sunday". First is "I wanna be your everything"... ahhh that lazy country drawl from him..

Pray that it’s raining on sunday
Stormin’ like crazy
We’ll hide under the covers all afternoon
Baby whatever comes monday
Can take care of itself
’cause we got better things that we could do
When it’s raining on sunday
- Keith Urban "Raining on Sunday"

Yea.. sample of the three songs i was listening to this afternoon. still listening to now.. :P

i finally returned to the kitchen today. rusty, i have to say. but it was fun to get my hands dirty again..

but my icing flopped!! it refused to thicken and thus, was a wet gloppy mess. *wails*

so, i've got naked cupcakes. great. the mango pudding is still hardening. at least some of them turned out right. it does make one upset to finally return to the kitchen with the flour, sugar and the works... and to know that not all the recipes are working just makes me upset. haiz...

yesterday was fun.. met the gym peeps for dinner at david's cc. it was fun to see them again, really. we ate.. laughed.. teased one another.. took photos.. after that, they went bowling but bryan came to pick me up for drinks at paulaner's.

super fun la.. sophia and i were singing our lungs out at paulaner's 'cos of bad catchy music. bryan cldn't do much since we surrounded him. and i gave in.. had a munich dark. oh the wheat taste minus the sick aftertaste from disgusting beer from a can. :)

anywayz, currently distracted by superman returns.. and for a good reason. or rather... 2 good and very obvious reasons. james marsden and brandon routh. teik's just listening to me swoon right now..

brandon routh is soooo good looking that he seems almost fake. too good looking to be true.. that dark hair.. that bone structure.. the chiseled features.. strapping athletic body.. those piercing eyes! james marsden may be shorter by abt 3" (brandon routh is 6.3"..) but he's equally amazing in terms of looks.

according to teik, the oakley juliet that james marsden wore apparantly were taken right off the mannequin's head that it was tailored for.. and did not need any adjustments.

don't know if it's true.. but i wldn't really question it. of course they cld have gotten marsden's head measurements for the mannequin.. but it just spoils the special story.. ah... marsden and routh... ah...

went down to client's place this afternoon. when i got into the cab, my ears grew accustomed to the familiar tune on the radio.. Robbie Williams' "Feel". i cleared the random thoughts in my head, closed my eyes and allowed the lyrics to sink in.

i don't wanna die. but i ain't keen on living either.

i honestly think that "Feel" is such an amazing song. i especially like "Angels". just don't like how Jessica Simpson massacred the song. it's just his voice. then when i came to the chorus, i think it just let it hit me for a while..

I just wanna feel real love in a life ever after. There’s a hole in my soul. You can see it in my face, it’s a real big place.

my eyes opened and i pouted. it's just a habit of mine. whenever i'm tired, i simply pout. a little ditty played in my head.. it's officially my tired song. whenever i feel a little worn out, i somehow start to hum the song. and it happened in the cab.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. I know right now you can't tell.

it's not the line that's repeating in my head.. but it says enough for now, i guess. like the sniffing nose and the brain cramps. yea. probably should be getting more sleep in my system. to just rest... wondering if the Big Guy up there is gonna flick my forehead soon enough and send me home resting with the flu back.. and when i say home, i don't mean heaven-home.. for goodness sake.. i meant my bed.

i need more relaxing lunches like today's..

KPMG welcome night was a killer. for my liver. i lost count of the shots i had but thank god for the mambo music that made it all so much more bearable. and of course, my dearies (evan, jt, gabe, bobbs, dennis, fukhai, thiang) who saved me from zouk and tolerated my nuttiness as i repeated myself over and over again.

hey, i was sober enough to register the plans to head to Daily Scoop the next day! gabe, bobbs, evan, jt and i found ourselves at Daily Scoop slightly past 3 pm, eating ice cream. absolute joy in the warm humind weather!! we ordered 4 bowls of 2 scoops each. and bobbs didn't eat. so yea, each of us had 2 scoops.

our first 3 bowls..

as if it wasn't enough, i met jt and dennis after that for cheesecake at cheesecake cafe. it's a nice little place along east coast road, near siglap center.

vanilla chocolate chip cheesecake!

a little on the pricey side and it was a pity that we didn't get a seat inside. wanted to take photos of the decor 'cos i think it's resort luxe.. laid back wooden bench and the black chandlier.. if i finally make enough to move out, my living room's gonna look like that.

might rethink the chandlier. the memory of washing our own chandlier every chinese new year distresses me already.

but yes, i'm already looking forward to my next visit to cheesecake cafe.. oh to sip red wine and eat cheesecake or chocolate truffle cake... such luxurious decandence, i know. smack me.

and yes! i promise! i will make cupcakes next weekend!! it's been put off for too long already. haven't been in the kitchen since thanksgiving dinner. missing it tonnes!!

i haven't felt this way for such a long time.. disappointment with myself.. wondering what's happened to me.. such a whacking to what i thought i knew..

conviction without confession.. it really hit home hard. i already knew the example that james wld be giving. perhaps.. perhaps i'm not as mature as i thought i was. perhaps i'm not as strong a christian as i thought i was..

my understanding has not wavered... my faith in the fact that Jesus is my Lord is not lost.. but my full reliance on Him has been challenged in something i had been avoiding. for too long. but.. i can't seem to pull myself out of sinking sand..

it's so easy to say that i'm a christian.. so easy to say that i'll give you everything i have. because i know that it's not enough. so easy to say that there's nothing in this world that i can lay claim to.. so easy to say that i can do nothing righteous that You have not done. so easy to say that i will lay down at Your feet the one thing You seek most from me.. to say that i will serve You with my entire life. 24/7/365.

yet i dread the disappointment. i dread the thought of being cast out.. i don't know if it's gonna happen. i don't know how it's gonna happen. i don't know when it'll happen.

i'm scared. i'm scared of the reaction.. i'm scared of what that's uncertain. i'm scared 'cos i don't know how to rely on You completely. i'm scared that i'm more worried abt disappointing them than disappointing You.

i want to give all of my life. there's nothing more i want right now. why this timidness? is it a timing thing? responsibility? or just lack of faith and assurance in the mere fact that He's my Lord and God on my part?

i know that You're perfect
i know You're so divine
You want to bring me back to You
despite that when i was so blind
i know of Your mercy
i know of Your love so kind
When You chose to stay on the cross
for that punishment that should be mine

Yet i pushed You away from my everday
Yet i chose to live my own life
Now humbly, i come to You in fervant awe
in my emptiness, i remember You're all i need

Forgive me, Lord, i ask and pray
Next to You is where i want to stay
Rescue me, Lord, from sinking sand
That i may carry my cross to my life's end
my heart is broken and my spirit weak
my life is scarred with human sin
There's nothing i need, nothing more to do
Lord, i'm here, crawling back to You.

i know You're my Savior
i know You're my King
All that You've promised will come
in time, that's what You'll bring
i know You're my shepherd
My final blood sacrifice
And i can't thank You enough today
that You alone can suffice

I have yet to truly understand
the fullness of Your plan
at times when i think i'm not playing a part
i'll do nothing more but to trust Your heart

Forgive me, Lord, i ask and pray
Next to You is where i want to stay
Rescue me, Lord, from sinking sand
That i may carry my cross to my life's end
my heart is broken and my spirit weak
my life is scarred with human sin
There's nothing i need, nothing more to do
Lord, i'm here, crawling back to You.

photo time! haven't put up photos for a while.. so yea.. introducing, some of my dearest fellow newbie associates, namely rick, jo and huijing.

Rick, the ultimate gentleman. and when i say ultimate, i mean eyeball-rolling ultimate. absolute opposite of sam sam.

joleen on the left! my evergreen sister. she's the glam shopaholic. and fellow bimbo. huijing on the right, the other evergreen sister. and i love her siglap area. cheesecake cafe was cool stuff man.jiali, jen, sok, regine and sam cldn't make it. oliver had yet to join us so yea.. but 5th Oct, welcome night party. we are going to break records. forget 100 shots. we are going for 101! ten of us only.. plus not all of them drink. i do not intend on doing a merlion. so if any of you are reading this.. keep mr soh far away from me. he scares me.

i know i haven't done one of these for a super long time.. oh well..

You Are An ENFP

The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.You are also unconventional, irreverent, and unimpressed by authority and rules.Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're quite the storyteller! In love, you are quite the charmer. And you are definitely willing to risk your heart.You often don't follow through with your flirting or professed feelings. And you do break a lot of hearts. At work, you are driven but not a workaholic. You just always seem to enjoy what you do.You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist. How you see yourself: compassionate, unselfish, and understanding When other people don't get you, they see you as: gushy, emotional, and unfocused

What's" Your Personality Type?

half truths really. perceptive? hidden motives? er... i have to be the most oblivious ditz around. then again, i like to stay in my own little world.

i'm not a charmer. i do not even flirt or profess my feelings.. and no! i do not break a lot of hearts! i do not break hearts! i prefer smashing them up to tiny pieces then grinding them down to sand to throw in the wind... joking!!! moving on...

politician? i cldn't be any more indifferent. entrepreneur.. wld that include my 60's sundae shop?

oh well..