i'm not ashamed to say it. i had fun at the mad-ass F1 qualifying race night.

sure, it can be attributed to many many factors other than the thrill of watching the cars go by and trying to get a nice shot of the car. ok, i never got a decent shot of the car. slow shutter speed. iso a little too low to get a sharper photo. low mega-pixels resulting in grainy distance photos even on "infinity" mode. be kind. this girl is still using her beloved ixus 75. not 105.. not even 85. ixus 75. i love my digi-cam though. it's crazy. i love it.

other factors? let's see..

1. the evening ambience

while walking to our designated viewing spot, we walked along the kallang river. sure, it's dead dirty. but the view in the evening was breath-taking. people were lounging by the river, sipping beer and chatting. the soft azure sky was streaked with different cloud formations and hinted of violet undertones. it was gorgeous.

the land of the mystical spewing creature does have her share of beautiful scenary. really.

2. live performances

Backstreet Boys! Backstreet Boys! ahahahahahaha. we got treated to a 5 min mini-performance of 'pavarotti' in our suite. fine, he's Roger from Australia. and he could probably pass off as a very very drunk pavarotti with too much hair.

3. Sky Suite

yes, i got the sky suite. not just any sky suite. it was the Pit Straight, meaning we were facing the paddock and had view of the start and end line. fine, it was just the qualifiers. but looking at the big screen, you could nearly tell which driver was coming towards you 'cos of the timings.

dinner was buffet style. the lamb was all soooooo tender. it melted in the mouth. omg. i'm salivating just remembering the softness of the meat. and the chocolates and cookies and crackers and selection of cheese. sugar rush. gah.

plus, there was free flow wine, champagne, beer and haagen dazs ice cream. the waitstaff were always asking if we wanted wet towels (it was warm at the outdoor viewing gallery) and feeding us with cool drinks and ice cream. even better, we got free plugs. the poor 'civilians' had to pay $2 for their's, i think. AND AIR CON. 3 HD tvs around the room for 6 tables. at EVERY angle you sit at, you can watch the race.

**

but i digress. the atmosphere at the outdoor viewing gallery as well as the sky terrance was electrifying to finish off the night. watching the cars zoom by. there was a natural adrenaline in the air that made it all so special. of course, being there with the family made it fun.

Kudos to Singapore GP. i can't help but be impressed with them. the handling of crowds was amazing. People were dispersed quickly to the MRT stations. Buses were lining up to move spectators quickly. a English bloke in front of us couldn't help complimenting the organization while complaining abt how long it took to clear out a EPL match. :D

**

Main race. tonight. watching from the comforts of the home. sure, there are chips, beers, wine and what-nots. Raikonnen, don't disappoint, please!

Yes. this is Raikonnen. i was watching the big screen so intently to track his car. imagine my disappointment when he finished 13th in Q2 after coming in 4 in Q1. sigh. please don't disappoint!!!

strange point of my life right now.

i'm chilling over wine at home with the pops and bro as i always do.

out there, my friends are starting new lives..

getting married. (9 that i know of from jan '08 to present date.. i'm not even counting those who married before this year which is a scary number....)

leaving their current state to pursue new dreams. (7 and counting...)



i suddenly feel guilty abt being content. is it wrong? i can't remember the last time i prayed so hard for time to freeze. for me to stop growing. for me to not think abt the future. to not think abt growing in the way that the world would deem fit. the typical path of career development and family planning.

i simply engage in menial stuff like change my hair style or go traveling. alot.



anyone wants to donate to the cat/spinster-pad fund? i apologize. i'm not registered as an ipc or charity, thus the lack of double tax deduction receipts. :P

it's strange that everyone seems to be getting married around me right now.

sunday night, i ended up at Holland V with the usual crew. in the midst of being distracted either by the incredibly spicy meal at thai express or the footy at wala wala, we ended up talking abt the sudden surge of people getting married around me.

i've lost count of the sec sch mates who have married already. so in the middle of the conversation, i sighed and said, "i seriously feel the pressure."

to which, 3 pairs of astonished eyes stared back at me. realizing what i said, i rolled my eyes and continued, "on my wallet! i feel the pressure on my wallet!!"

yes, i'm happy for my friends. i really am. plus, the whole wedding planning thing? it's damn tiring but such a rewarding experience. it's not the gratitude. it's seeing the smiles on the faces during the wedding itself. to know that you had that part in making them happy.

(happy moments taken from Stephy's album)

i don't even need words of gratitude. i just need to see that smile. to hear that laugh. to know that people are having fun. to know that people enjoy that moment. i'll gladly take the burden of the stress for my brothers and sisters.

but i do admit it. i worry. i wonder what it'll feel like 10 years down the road when my friends are married with kids and i watch from the sidelines alone. then again, i wonder if i'll even be around 10 years from now to watch their kids grow up.

and then i keep on telling myself:

"I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Phi 4:12-13

i will be content. i have to be content. just because He gives me strength to be content. i'll just have to keep reminding myself that He's got plans for me. important ones. i don't know what each small plan is. but i just keep working on being the person He made me to be.

I want to live like there's no tomorrow

I want to dance like no one's around

I want to sing like nobody's listening

Before I lay my body down

I want to give like I have plenty

I want to love like I'm not afraid

I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

- Chris Tomlin "the way i was made"

Lord, keep me growing in knowledge of You, that i may always be content.

over lunch after church with a friend today, she remarked that someone from school had said that i looked "dao". (read: proud, haughty, aloof, unapproachable) then she continued and said she had no idea why he said that. i stared at her and sighed.

i can't remember how many times i've heard that. think it started in sec 1 when my older sister's friends in choir chatted with me briefly before i had to run off to settle some stuff for the choir. they then told her that their first impression of me was that i was "dao". the fact that i had to run off did nothing for the impression.

in jc, one of the girls in my class thought i was dao. of course that changed since the first day we met 'cos i had plonked myself down next to her. frustrated that no one was talking to me, i started a coversation with her. who knew she'd be one of my closest friends even up to today? how did i know what she thought? she told me one day.

i've heard too many stories of people dismissing me as being arrogant and aloof.. and just plain unapproachable when i don't smile. omg. am i supposed to be smiling every second of the day? i can't decide if i wanna look "dao" or like an idiot. they both sound bad. sigh.

it doesn't help when close friends look at me and go, "dao? please. in what world are you dao? blur, yes. dao? noooo."

of course i agree. if i'm alone, i'm usually in a world of my own. friends can walk right past me and brush my arm to get attention and i'd just still walk on, nary a care in the world. just because i don't smile at you or say "hi", it doesn't mean i'm ignoring you. it simply means i didn't even notice you!! omg omg omg omg omg omg.

it's just.. frustrating. to know that i've lost contacts and friendships because people are mistaken about me and don't ever bother to find out. they assume that i want nothing more to do with them just because i forget a "hi-bye" a little too many times. i'm sorry i'm blur. but to cut me off without finding out more just kills me.

*sigh*

***

on a side note. sunday mornings are getting interesting. last sunday, i realized that someone still had the ability to distract me even after 5 years. it was such a sense of deja vu. and nostalgia.

then i can't believe i dreamt abt a friend out of the blue last night. then to bump into him today after god knows how many years of not seeing him (2 years, i think??) was just.. nice. he hasn't changed much. still that little boy i remember him to be. age doesn't look like it's taken a toil on his face yet.

sunday mornings are really.. woah. ahahaha.

met up with big J yday for dinner after dance class. he made me think. think of people and their habits in general. of somewhat unexplainable quirks that people have.

let's just say i reached 2 conclusions by the end of the night.

***
#1 i cannot stand people who complicate stuff. let your yes be a yes. let your no be a no. don't tell me smth is black when it's gray. and when i give in and you find out it's wrong, don't ask me why i didn't tell you beforehand that you were wrong.

don't get me wrong. i love to overanalyse and overthink intellectual issues or have debates abt academia. but other than that, i don't complicate everything else.

so don't overthink my actions. don't overanalyse what i say. for goodness sake, life is already complicated as it is. why add to it? even worse, i'm worrying about what these weirdos are thinking of what i say and do. it's too troublesome. i really don't need that kind of crap.

#2 i cannot stand weak people. people who are needy. people who crave attention. i think i kinda came to that conclusion when i was in jc. but still, i need to reiterate this point.

perhaps it's their nature to be needy and dependent and want attention. perhaps it's circumstantial. it's one thing to want attention. it's another to do everything in the desire to attain that attention. be it causing others to worry or doing things to make others upset. urgh.
***

i'm just that candid, i'm sorry. now to find the guts that i vomitted out, gather my wits and confront the dreaded. doesn't help that Big J's got issues now too. the bro-sis combo can only sit and watch the each other now.

may we both not crash and burn in our own respective minefields.

random note: listening to lady gaga & nkotb makes me think of.. well.. someone. it was a crazy one month. dead tiring but, well, intriguing. not exactly fun. but all so memorable. thank you, you. ^-^

I realized how different and similar my sister and I are. We both love vintage and fashion. But that's where it ends. She likes the woven bags from aigner. I love the tough spunky ones from balenciaga. Her plain tees are fitted. I like mine plain slouchy.

Her vintage dresses are flowery and soft.

I love shift dresses and mod dresses. big skirts rock for me.

which is probably why I love Twiggy, Audrey Hepburn and Jackie O. but i haven't seen anything dedicated to Twiggy. perhaps it's just cause she's still alive. but still..

There's something about Twiggy that makes her such a classic icon. It's the whole combination of her big eyes, short blonde hair and incredibly slender figure that makes mini mod dresses a breeze to carry off. Her pixie-shaped face and waif-like figure must have been the envy of sooo many.

Thanks to her, the trend of mod dresses is far from over. I've only got 3 of them in my cupboard. And one shift dress that's waiting for me to "customize". I want more. Of course, it doesn't help that at the end of the "Nobody" music video by Wondergirls, the girls are all looking fab in mod dresses too.

And Twiggy makes vintage dresses fun for me. The crazy geometrical prints are way too cute. It is unfortunate that we don't get much of such dresses these days. I would go absolutely ape over them.

Twiggy still looks gorgeous. I love how she embraced her wrinkles and still looks fab while close to 60 years old. When she smiles, her crows feet crease beautifully, reminding me that they are also called "laugh lines". She looked like she embrace life and fashion. I admire her. :D

Forget agyness deyn. Twiggy still rocks.

i don't understand why people can't yawn and cover their mouths.

is it neccesary to show the whole world the insides of your mouth with fillings and all? and look like you're about to swallow the head of the person in front of you in one go?

i cannot stress how terribly unglam and ugly it is.

i was minding my own business this morning, walking to my destination. just as i walked past URA centre, i noticed this pleasant looking lady. then she yawned.

it looked like she was training her jaws to take on the entire URA centre in one mouthful. yes. Both east and west wing.

oh my. word cannot describe how terribly horrendous the lady looked while she yawned. i found the closest resemblances here..

photo courtesy of http://travelpicspro.smugmug.com/

and i'm not kidding. it was that scary. the only cute open mouth yawn i've ever seen is on dogs or babies. i forgive babies because they have absolutely no inclination to be polite 'cos their little brains can't process that level of graciousness yet.

is it really that hard to raise a hand and cover your mouth?? sigh.

***

side note: my poor dog was stripped and scrutinized this morning by my "lovely" colleagues. at least he (to quote a certain AM) "sure is handsome". my poor gorgeous baby.

3 days in a row. i'm on some kind of high here.. or i could just be really bored while living out my mc days at home.

updates. no more fever. yay! i haven't gone beyond 37.1 since yesterday noon.

but a quick follow-up on yesterday's post, i'm grateful i didn't break at "There is a Higher Throne". that sense of deja vu is passing. it's not that i think i have that kind of a "power". rather, it's me still trying to understand why He makes me react in certain ways at certain times under such circumstances.. as if He's telling me that He's still there.. that He's still listening.. that i need to continue trusting His heart.. that i can still lean on Him..

just so i understand why i prayed the way i prayed. why i cried. why i broke down. why i still cling on to that hope and promise He gave despite the pain and the tears..

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." - Rev 21:1-4

Lord, i believe. help my unbelief. i'm still leaning on You.

****

Fyi, people, you need to introduce a new word in your vocab. ODDITY. spell it with me. O. D. D. I. T. Y. oddity, not auditee. sigh.

i'm still on mc. 3 days off work. i can sleep in for one more day.. just one more day. sigh.

quick fact of the day:

According to numerous web sites, such as Professional Jeweler Magazine and Normans of Mosman, tennis star Chris Evert was known for her diamond line bracelets. She lost one during the 1987 U.S. Open, and the game had to be temporarily halted while she prowled the court for it. The "tennis bracelet" incident sparked a new name for the item, as well as a huge jewelry trend.

source: Ask.Yahoo

It's not often that a piece of jewelry is named for an accident, but such is the case with tennis bracelets. Tennis bracelets got their unusual name from an incident involving professional tennis player Chris Evert during a match in 1987. Evert had been wearing an expensive bracelet featuring an inline string of individually-set diamonds. When the clasp snapped, she asked the officials to stop the match until the jewelry could be found. Since that day, bracelets featuring an inline array of diamonds have been called tennis bracelets.

source: WiseGeek

now you know why it's called a tennis bracelet. cool, eh?

what a night. Y organized something absolutely nuts for my bday. extremely traumatizing. but i had good ol' J to count on and keep me sane as he provided a shoulder to hide behind whenever uncomfort overwhelmed me. and a car to send me home with since i live along the way to his gf's place.

yes, i dedicate this post to J, a sweet big (physically too) brother. anyhoo, by the time i got home, i told B about the night's events and he replied,

"what they have is carnal pleasure. what we have is eternal salvation."

i stared at B's comment last night and thought about it. my mind drifted back to J in the car telling me he wished he had more self-control. and how much he actually admired guys didn't think about the carnal pleasure as much as he does. i look at my big brother and said,

"trust me, they struggle more than you do. they struggle with knowing that while their friends are out there getting some, they need to hold on to that faith (and restrain)."

the conversation carried on about the christian faith and i found myself explaining that sex, in itself, was not evil. c'mon, God created sex. one part i missed out was that it's in the context where us fallen sinners take sex into and turn something good into something impure and yet "right" by the fallen world's standards.

one thing i love talking with J is that he never does try to impose the world's view on me. he listens to me. never once did he tell me that when the time comes, i'd find it hard stick to my values. last night, he looked me in the eye, smiled, and said,

"don't open that door for as long as you can. once you do, there's no closing it."

it was one of those moments when it felt like he was telling me to stop growing up. that it was alright to stay the way i am. that i've a whole life in front of me to grow. but there are things that i don't have to face.

that's why he's the big brother. one of the few i trust to keep me safe in the big scary world. one of the few i want around to protect me from whatever the world throws at me. right now, i can only think of 2 friends whom i trust enough to share everything with. and the same 2 to be there when i need a hand out of whatever mess i'm in because i trust them to look at me when i'm crying, crack the knuckles and say,

"who's ass am i kicking, babe?"

so to big J, i will fly to ozzie for your fairy tale wedding when the time comes. i promise. :D

i've been craving big breakfast in true blue ozzie style. imagine this:

buttered toast. hash browns. sauteed mushrooms. ham n bacon drenched in worcestershire sauce. grilled tomatoes. poached egg with luscious gooey yoke. sausage. topped off with a skinny latte to make yourself feel less guilty abt the calories.

delish. really.

on the side note, i'm still running into random people (no sean, i never fell down) and making connections with nameless faces.

when i got back to singapore, i took the mrt to tanah merah to save on the airport surcharge. at the train station, i noticed two caucasian dudes looking lost. i paused for a second before approaching them. naturally, i helped with directions and taught them how to get to dhoby ghaut from changi, including all the random platform changing.

next thing i knew, we were chatting on the journey to tanah merah. gave nibbles of advice abt going to malacca and talked about the random touristy spots around SEA. also learnt that the older guy was 22 (i feel old. really.) and both of them had dropped out of the Dutch air force and were going back to college with two months to spare in South East Asia.

i contemplated exchanging contacts for quite a while. another contact in Singapore for them to find out information from. but my shyness and nerves got the better of me. we parted ways at tanah merah after i reminded them of the route they should be taking.

and it struck me.

it's those nameless connections that i remember more than ever. 'cos you no longer identify these people by names but the way you felt during that moment of connection. the things you say and the little laughter and jokes may be forgotten but that lack of discomfort when interacting with a nameless stranger..

it's just knowing that it's raw emotions sans names which remind you that truly, it's the feelings that help you relate to people. maybe if i meet them again, i'd get their names and contacts. but for now, i'm going to let that encounter linger on as just a memory of feelings and nothing more.

**

girls! i found pure blonde in Singapore:

Boomarang Bistro & Bar Australian. #01-15 The Quayside, 60 Robertson Quay, 6738-1077.

they have all -day brekkie (tb ozzie style) on weekends. when are we going????