i fell. again.

not that it's anything new. i'm so incredibly clumsy. if you ever had your physiotherapist tell you to not fall for a month, raise up your hands. *raises hands. both hands.*

with every fall, there's a new scar to speak of. then a friend asked me if i was going to be wearing pants more to hide the scars and wounds.

and i told her no. what are physical scars but just skin deep indication of healing?

i'm not one to worry about scars. in fact, i think scars give a person character. it could be frivolous ones like i have from falling.. it could be that huge ass one that francis has on his abs after being an idiotic hero for standing up for his friends. every scar has a story to tell.. big or small.

physical or not.

of course it's the phantom scars that speak the most. those that people will never know until you tell them about it.

everyone has a scar. and with its story to tell, i don't believe that a scar could be ugly. sure, it is an imperfection. but give me a perfectly imperfect man than one who jests at scars and never felt a wound. as Wallace Stegner said,

"Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom but to scar tissue and callus."

how very true. i would like to think that come the day i'm walking with my Lord in His house, He'll look at me and not see my world successes or failures but the scars upon my soul and heart. those that speak of the wounds healed by Him. all of them.

He'll never leave a wound open. it's not His character to not heal His children. and with each indication of a healed wound, i'm reminded of His goodness. of His love. telling me to not dwell on the wound but move on, looking back once in a while to learn from the scar tissue.

it's another reminder too. to not leave the wound open.

so often, He provides that scar tissue but we scoff at it. we think we are able to heal ourselves or with zealous romanticism in our heads, we embrace our wounds and forego a scar. but with that open wound, we never really move on. we never really heal.

He's healed too many of my wounds and left too many scars for me to ignore His existence. to ignore His calling to be His. to ignore His love. He took my biggest wound upon Himself and scarred Himself for me. that just as Thomas put his hands to the Lord's scars from the nails on the cross, may i also do that very thing and remember all that He's done.

and the fact that it's no longer a wound but a scar.. i need to remember why the scar happened and move on without turning back.

"There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with."

- Harry Crews

help me help myself stop the self-inflicted hurting, Lord. give me my scars.

It's the end of the year. there are 26 days left before Christmas descends on us.

already, the festivities have started with mini chimichangas, nachos, iguana lager and lime margarita at 2.45 pm in little greenwood with the bro and father.

26 days to christmas in taiwan.

26 days left to the day of remembrance that my God came down to earth to die that He may bring me back to His side for His glory and my salvation.

26 days and the rest of my life on earth to thank Him for all the goodness He's shown me in His own ways.

through happy times filled with laughter and squeals of glee..

through all the trials and tribulations and many many tears..

He's given me memories, both big and small. good and big. and i'm thankful. i'm ever so grateful that I've had that chance to walk with Him while i'm still finding myself.

and that people He's put with me. all my brothers and sisters. that amazing select that He's chosen for Himself.

and yet my heart goes out to those who have yet to say, "Abba Father." to those who have yet to say, "Te amo, mi Dios."

those who have yet to say, "my life is not mine to live. it's Yours. i give me to You. have Your way with me, Lord, that Your will be done, not mine."

it's even more frustrating when people just think of religion as a moral compass. it's beyond that. it's a lifestyle. it's just soooo much more. i can't do any more other then to keep praying. to keep hoping.

**

i'm still praying for you. that you'll know my Lord the way i know Him... that as His plans unravel in your life, i'll find you next to me, supporting me in the way you already do and even more. even that random sms counts for smth.

but other than that, i'm sorry. i really am.

quick musings...

work's been a.. well.. bitch. late nights.. unreasonable clients.. deadlines.. and currently sticking a foot into 4 projects is probably going to kill me as well. i feel bad that i'll need to sit down and talk to an incredibly sweet boss to tell him that i can't help him anymore.

why this project? the mere fact that i'm really just the most junior staff providing input. and i know he's put me on the project because it's really such an incredible learning experience. but i just can't cope. not with 4 projects. something's got to give. and it's most unfortunate that it's his project.

on a lighter note, i finally got to watch Maksim perform. and he played "Claudine". such an amazing beautiful sad piece. i am inspired to go back to the classicals again. just hope it doesn't bring back horror memories of exams.

and yes, i finally bought the new Budaki Pantai CD. on friday, sl and i popped into starbucks before we headed back to office. i couldn't resist christmas in a cup.. then "Nothing Also Can" caught my eye. naturally, i picked it up and bought it.

who was to know that i would meet Joe and Gordon at Asian Kitchen Teahouse for dinner? the rest were so incredibly sweet as they pushed me to get the guys' autograph. so yes, my "Nothing Also Can" has been autographed by the two boys in my horrific fangirl moment.

crazy-ass week. and more to come. sigh. let's pray that things start to look up and if they don't, i'll continue to be strong for Him.

dynamics have changed around me. more boys. with the noobs.. with the dragonboaters.. and i'm actually loving it.

there's a sense of familiarity with the boys.

i feel like i'm me.

like i'm back home.

where i know there's that comforting hand for me to hold and a shoulder to rest on. to have that warm palm of assurance resting on my shoulder of back. it feels like a mix of jc and uni. it's. incredible. let's hope this lasts for a while longer. :D

***

on a side note, i'm totally in love with Owl City. Adam Young is a one-man army. while jay-z is singing about death of auto-tune, i'm hoping that Adam holds onto it. the whole electro-pop thing is amazing.



Time together isn't ever quite enough
(When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home)

What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
(We need time, only time)

When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
(If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?)

So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
(All the time, all the time)

i do have some of the weirdest conversations with random people.

Doc: your nasal passage is inflamed. badly. does this happen often?

me: *shakes head* this is the first time.

Doc: has there been a lot of construction going over near your place?

me: no...

Doc: are people falling sick around you? family.. colleagues...

me: no...

Doc: oh. this is strange. i can't think of why your nose is acting up.

*pause*

me: erm. i have been sleeping for 5 hours for the past few weeks? does that affect anything?

needless to say, my poor doctor went into a frenzy as he nagged me about the perils of lack of sleep. then he continued on about 7 hours of sleep and how my immunity level was low.. i just stared at him blankly until he finally declared that he was giving me a mc to sleep.

at that point, i shyly replied, "but i've got deadlines tomorrow."

the poor man looked so exasperated with me, i could only smile at him sheepishly. he sighed and signed off on my mc. i stared at the paper, wondering what i was going to do with it. before i left the room, he looked at me:

"REMEMBER! TOMORROW. MC."

er. ahahahahahaha. yar right.

it's a strange rush. that despite returning home after 2 gruelling long days of 8 races and just one silverware to speak for the work put in, i'm glad. there's a sense of strange comfort in knowing that i never lost it. that same adrenaline i feel as i pant and try to catch my breath at the end of each race.

but for a rookie team to make the big guns sit up and notice our lead in the starts... sure, only our starts are amazing. we just can't carry the boat through hard enough to maintain the lead.. but just to know that we are making people notice us at our very first competition. to know that our personal best (56s!!) is an amazing feat especially when many of them are rowing for the first time.

coach was right. when he spoke of the team at the end, he asked us to see how far we've come. from a team of non-dboaters to one that within 10 mths can be discussing race plan strategies... it is incredibly heartening.

plus it felt sooooo good. to feel that water on my hand as i plunge the paddle head into the waters. to feel the splash from breaking still water. the team is definitely not as agressive as my previous teams. but they are working at it. at being focused. so much for being a "corporate" team, even more one from the Big 4 accounting firms. and the members are mad fun. my mandarin is definitely getting better.

there is room for improvement as with all teams. we're still trying. we're still fighting. it's a sport where seriously, the team is only as strong as its weakest link. the reason why i adore dragonboat sooo much. there's no such thing as "star player". I can't think of any other team sport that is like dragonboat. it's just.. amazing. :)

on a lighter note...

i feel "cheated". this being the only girl to have rowed all the races. at the same time, i feel a little guilty. that past experiences seem to have played a part, with coach knowing that i'm one of the more 'seasoned' female rowers without an alumni team. sigh. how?

i'm not ashamed to say it. i had fun at the mad-ass F1 qualifying race night.

sure, it can be attributed to many many factors other than the thrill of watching the cars go by and trying to get a nice shot of the car. ok, i never got a decent shot of the car. slow shutter speed. iso a little too low to get a sharper photo. low mega-pixels resulting in grainy distance photos even on "infinity" mode. be kind. this girl is still using her beloved ixus 75. not 105.. not even 85. ixus 75. i love my digi-cam though. it's crazy. i love it.

other factors? let's see..

1. the evening ambience

while walking to our designated viewing spot, we walked along the kallang river. sure, it's dead dirty. but the view in the evening was breath-taking. people were lounging by the river, sipping beer and chatting. the soft azure sky was streaked with different cloud formations and hinted of violet undertones. it was gorgeous.

the land of the mystical spewing creature does have her share of beautiful scenary. really.

2. live performances

Backstreet Boys! Backstreet Boys! ahahahahahaha. we got treated to a 5 min mini-performance of 'pavarotti' in our suite. fine, he's Roger from Australia. and he could probably pass off as a very very drunk pavarotti with too much hair.

3. Sky Suite

yes, i got the sky suite. not just any sky suite. it was the Pit Straight, meaning we were facing the paddock and had view of the start and end line. fine, it was just the qualifiers. but looking at the big screen, you could nearly tell which driver was coming towards you 'cos of the timings.

dinner was buffet style. the lamb was all soooooo tender. it melted in the mouth. omg. i'm salivating just remembering the softness of the meat. and the chocolates and cookies and crackers and selection of cheese. sugar rush. gah.

plus, there was free flow wine, champagne, beer and haagen dazs ice cream. the waitstaff were always asking if we wanted wet towels (it was warm at the outdoor viewing gallery) and feeding us with cool drinks and ice cream. even better, we got free plugs. the poor 'civilians' had to pay $2 for their's, i think. AND AIR CON. 3 HD tvs around the room for 6 tables. at EVERY angle you sit at, you can watch the race.

**

but i digress. the atmosphere at the outdoor viewing gallery as well as the sky terrance was electrifying to finish off the night. watching the cars zoom by. there was a natural adrenaline in the air that made it all so special. of course, being there with the family made it fun.

Kudos to Singapore GP. i can't help but be impressed with them. the handling of crowds was amazing. People were dispersed quickly to the MRT stations. Buses were lining up to move spectators quickly. a English bloke in front of us couldn't help complimenting the organization while complaining abt how long it took to clear out a EPL match. :D

**

Main race. tonight. watching from the comforts of the home. sure, there are chips, beers, wine and what-nots. Raikonnen, don't disappoint, please!

Yes. this is Raikonnen. i was watching the big screen so intently to track his car. imagine my disappointment when he finished 13th in Q2 after coming in 4 in Q1. sigh. please don't disappoint!!!

strange point of my life right now.

i'm chilling over wine at home with the pops and bro as i always do.

out there, my friends are starting new lives..

getting married. (9 that i know of from jan '08 to present date.. i'm not even counting those who married before this year which is a scary number....)

leaving their current state to pursue new dreams. (7 and counting...)



i suddenly feel guilty abt being content. is it wrong? i can't remember the last time i prayed so hard for time to freeze. for me to stop growing. for me to not think abt the future. to not think abt growing in the way that the world would deem fit. the typical path of career development and family planning.

i simply engage in menial stuff like change my hair style or go traveling. alot.



anyone wants to donate to the cat/spinster-pad fund? i apologize. i'm not registered as an ipc or charity, thus the lack of double tax deduction receipts. :P

it's strange that everyone seems to be getting married around me right now.

sunday night, i ended up at Holland V with the usual crew. in the midst of being distracted either by the incredibly spicy meal at thai express or the footy at wala wala, we ended up talking abt the sudden surge of people getting married around me.

i've lost count of the sec sch mates who have married already. so in the middle of the conversation, i sighed and said, "i seriously feel the pressure."

to which, 3 pairs of astonished eyes stared back at me. realizing what i said, i rolled my eyes and continued, "on my wallet! i feel the pressure on my wallet!!"

yes, i'm happy for my friends. i really am. plus, the whole wedding planning thing? it's damn tiring but such a rewarding experience. it's not the gratitude. it's seeing the smiles on the faces during the wedding itself. to know that you had that part in making them happy.

(happy moments taken from Stephy's album)

i don't even need words of gratitude. i just need to see that smile. to hear that laugh. to know that people are having fun. to know that people enjoy that moment. i'll gladly take the burden of the stress for my brothers and sisters.

but i do admit it. i worry. i wonder what it'll feel like 10 years down the road when my friends are married with kids and i watch from the sidelines alone. then again, i wonder if i'll even be around 10 years from now to watch their kids grow up.

and then i keep on telling myself:

"I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Phi 4:12-13

i will be content. i have to be content. just because He gives me strength to be content. i'll just have to keep reminding myself that He's got plans for me. important ones. i don't know what each small plan is. but i just keep working on being the person He made me to be.

I want to live like there's no tomorrow

I want to dance like no one's around

I want to sing like nobody's listening

Before I lay my body down

I want to give like I have plenty

I want to love like I'm not afraid

I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

- Chris Tomlin "the way i was made"

Lord, keep me growing in knowledge of You, that i may always be content.

over lunch after church with a friend today, she remarked that someone from school had said that i looked "dao". (read: proud, haughty, aloof, unapproachable) then she continued and said she had no idea why he said that. i stared at her and sighed.

i can't remember how many times i've heard that. think it started in sec 1 when my older sister's friends in choir chatted with me briefly before i had to run off to settle some stuff for the choir. they then told her that their first impression of me was that i was "dao". the fact that i had to run off did nothing for the impression.

in jc, one of the girls in my class thought i was dao. of course that changed since the first day we met 'cos i had plonked myself down next to her. frustrated that no one was talking to me, i started a coversation with her. who knew she'd be one of my closest friends even up to today? how did i know what she thought? she told me one day.

i've heard too many stories of people dismissing me as being arrogant and aloof.. and just plain unapproachable when i don't smile. omg. am i supposed to be smiling every second of the day? i can't decide if i wanna look "dao" or like an idiot. they both sound bad. sigh.

it doesn't help when close friends look at me and go, "dao? please. in what world are you dao? blur, yes. dao? noooo."

of course i agree. if i'm alone, i'm usually in a world of my own. friends can walk right past me and brush my arm to get attention and i'd just still walk on, nary a care in the world. just because i don't smile at you or say "hi", it doesn't mean i'm ignoring you. it simply means i didn't even notice you!! omg omg omg omg omg omg.

it's just.. frustrating. to know that i've lost contacts and friendships because people are mistaken about me and don't ever bother to find out. they assume that i want nothing more to do with them just because i forget a "hi-bye" a little too many times. i'm sorry i'm blur. but to cut me off without finding out more just kills me.

*sigh*

***

on a side note. sunday mornings are getting interesting. last sunday, i realized that someone still had the ability to distract me even after 5 years. it was such a sense of deja vu. and nostalgia.

then i can't believe i dreamt abt a friend out of the blue last night. then to bump into him today after god knows how many years of not seeing him (2 years, i think??) was just.. nice. he hasn't changed much. still that little boy i remember him to be. age doesn't look like it's taken a toil on his face yet.

sunday mornings are really.. woah. ahahaha.

met up with big J yday for dinner after dance class. he made me think. think of people and their habits in general. of somewhat unexplainable quirks that people have.

let's just say i reached 2 conclusions by the end of the night.

***
#1 i cannot stand people who complicate stuff. let your yes be a yes. let your no be a no. don't tell me smth is black when it's gray. and when i give in and you find out it's wrong, don't ask me why i didn't tell you beforehand that you were wrong.

don't get me wrong. i love to overanalyse and overthink intellectual issues or have debates abt academia. but other than that, i don't complicate everything else.

so don't overthink my actions. don't overanalyse what i say. for goodness sake, life is already complicated as it is. why add to it? even worse, i'm worrying about what these weirdos are thinking of what i say and do. it's too troublesome. i really don't need that kind of crap.

#2 i cannot stand weak people. people who are needy. people who crave attention. i think i kinda came to that conclusion when i was in jc. but still, i need to reiterate this point.

perhaps it's their nature to be needy and dependent and want attention. perhaps it's circumstantial. it's one thing to want attention. it's another to do everything in the desire to attain that attention. be it causing others to worry or doing things to make others upset. urgh.
***

i'm just that candid, i'm sorry. now to find the guts that i vomitted out, gather my wits and confront the dreaded. doesn't help that Big J's got issues now too. the bro-sis combo can only sit and watch the each other now.

may we both not crash and burn in our own respective minefields.

random note: listening to lady gaga & nkotb makes me think of.. well.. someone. it was a crazy one month. dead tiring but, well, intriguing. not exactly fun. but all so memorable. thank you, you. ^-^

I realized how different and similar my sister and I are. We both love vintage and fashion. But that's where it ends. She likes the woven bags from aigner. I love the tough spunky ones from balenciaga. Her plain tees are fitted. I like mine plain slouchy.

Her vintage dresses are flowery and soft.

I love shift dresses and mod dresses. big skirts rock for me.

which is probably why I love Twiggy, Audrey Hepburn and Jackie O. but i haven't seen anything dedicated to Twiggy. perhaps it's just cause she's still alive. but still..

There's something about Twiggy that makes her such a classic icon. It's the whole combination of her big eyes, short blonde hair and incredibly slender figure that makes mini mod dresses a breeze to carry off. Her pixie-shaped face and waif-like figure must have been the envy of sooo many.

Thanks to her, the trend of mod dresses is far from over. I've only got 3 of them in my cupboard. And one shift dress that's waiting for me to "customize". I want more. Of course, it doesn't help that at the end of the "Nobody" music video by Wondergirls, the girls are all looking fab in mod dresses too.

And Twiggy makes vintage dresses fun for me. The crazy geometrical prints are way too cute. It is unfortunate that we don't get much of such dresses these days. I would go absolutely ape over them.

Twiggy still looks gorgeous. I love how she embraced her wrinkles and still looks fab while close to 60 years old. When she smiles, her crows feet crease beautifully, reminding me that they are also called "laugh lines". She looked like she embrace life and fashion. I admire her. :D

Forget agyness deyn. Twiggy still rocks.