so my first proper introduction to ken jeong not as a character he plays in shows but as a comedian happened during the 2010 MTV movie awards. where banking on his roles in Role Model and Hangover, he shows off his dancing and erm.. figure.

GQ jumps on the band wagon, obviously realizing the borders of insanity that this man will go to.. how does one not love this insane man known as ken jeong? presenting.. Ken Jeong photobombs GQ.

and my favorite...

LOL. this man is da shyte.

Quick thoughts in the bed (the perks of an ipad)

The world is getting curious and curiouser.




I really need to get out of here. :(

Ao i'm in the thick of the action of the london rioting.

God's been kind by putting me in a secure part of london. But the sounds of sirens and sights of fire trucks sadden me.

So the police act of killing one man justifies your actions of destroying innocent communities, small local businesses, burning random cars... In that sense, you think that creating more desrruction is proper response?

The kids infuriate me. The disregard for the rest of the communities, the wanton acts of the lawlessness just to display a warped sense of power and authority at the expense of your fellow people. Right. So the way to avenge one innocent person is to destroy the lives of other innocent people.

This manifestation is just... So foolish. So dumb. So incredibly sad for the londoners.

My prayers are with the innocent. For the innocent. :(

so i'm finally done with my deadlines for today. only leaving one to deal with when I'm in London.

i have to say that i no longer find it a thrill to accomplish my work before a holiday. usually, i feel strangely energized and eagerly anticipating the holiday. now, i feel like i'm too tired to be excited about my holiday.  doesn't help that I haven't really packed with the exception of my clothes. great. hopefully some anticipation will hit tomorrow.

i can't wait for november. for this shit to lessen and for the next cycle to start. maybe i can convince my boss that i need an associate to help me. there's only so many lunch treats that can keep me happy for the duration of lunch. in the past, i used to deal with shit hitting the fan. shit that could be cleared too. now, the shit is just thrown at me.. it's either a "fyi-here's-shit-just-because!!" or "fya-here's-shit-i-know-you-have-no-authority-to-clear-but-it-has-to-go-somewhere". and it's bleeping a lot of shit.

i still remember how pissed i was when a SM from a public agency knew i was deep in work and terribly busy and yet can ask me why the documents i prepared weren't professionally bound. i wanted to say, "f you. my team has 3 people with better things to do. why don't you bind it with your department of 10 persons?"

the hilarious part was when we handed out the documents, everyone wanted the ones that weren't bound because it was easier for reference. boo-yea.

the part that infuriates me most is that he knows how busy i am. and some matters he brings to me, he knows i have no authority to make a decision but he wants to know an answer immediately to give his boss. WHY CAN'T HIS BLEEPING BOSS CALL MY BOSS?? why the f am i dealing with it???

besides, dickhead, don't tell me you understand. don't make promises that say you'll make sure i'm in a situation where i can handle the things on my plate and that i'll never be overly stressed. 'cos you just break ALL of them. i can take apologies and forgive. but you don't apologize. or rather you rarely do. so don't expect me to not realize that you've broken all your promises. douchebag.



and that's just the tip of the ice berg.



i think mouse wld probably be bored of my ranting now, esp after that insane 40 min breakdown in the middle of the night. so mouse, i'm soooo sorry. here's a special shout out to you for taking care of me that night. thank you for praying for me.

rara smsed me one day at work randomly to make sure i was ok. for some strange reason. she said she felt like i had changed. I was no longer bubbly. no longer happy. she didn't even know what happened in the previous few nights. but through my msgs and the few times we met for drinks, she sensed the difference.

i need to snap out of this. i'm not going to quit my job... i see value in it. more than my previous job offered. it's not something i'm passionate about. but it's still something i believe in.

which is probably why i've asked for prayers during the past 2 months more than I ever had back in the 3+ years of my previous job.


just praying soooo hard that i don't get work emails directed to me when i'm in London. doesn't help that i'm already writing a paper when i'm there. so just praying so damn hard.




sigh.


snap out of this, little girl. there are other matters of consequence that need your attention too. :(

I think there's far too much angst in the world today.

Coupled with a heavy dose of cynicism.

In light of this, i've been trying to lighten up a little. Instead of formulating my response immediately over issues that strike a chord with me, i try to stop and think about for a few minutes, hours if the event permits.. Then i respond. Even then, my response isn't always ideal so if possible, i remedy it.

I didn't realise the impact it had on the people around me until i have had people ask me, "how do you deal with the person/situation? How do you do it?" or "i can't believe you are so calm about it."

It's so easy to say, "well, God dealt with a lot of shit from me. So this is my response." but people don't get it.

And i know why they don't.

People cannot comprehend how i can walk away from matters that disturb or upset me, and walk back calm. People cannot comprehend why i find that silver lining.

Simply because it's a generation of whiners.

I used to be that. I used to be a forcefield of negativity, spreading it as i went around. And you know what, it doesn't make things better for anyone.

I thought about it. I prayed about it. I just asked God for directions. And i remembered, "i can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

I can continue to mope and let life get me down. Or i rely on that strength from Him to keep smiling and push through the day. And this mini revelation about a month ago woke me up.

Suddenly, i notice the sunsets more. I help more tourists smile. I say "thank you" and "please" more often. I don't burden people with my troubles simply because i know they have their own.

Sure, i slip at times. I lose my temper when things get ridiculously out of control and nonsensical, like a clinic making me wait for more than 20 min without registering me during that time. But i learnt there are other ways to deal with the situation. The menial stuff, i write a feedback to the parties in hope of a change instead of complaining to my peers. The personal stuff.. Well, i share it with good friends and ask them to pray for me. On my own part, i cry, let it out, and move on.

Of course it's not easy. I can't remember how many times i've heard people say, "it's not fair that i'm always the one to apologize first. It's not fair that i have to be the bigger person. It's not that easy!!"

But i rely on the strength from my God. That's how He set me apart. Perhaps you'll think that it's what that makes me dumb and stupid cos i'd lose out in the world..

But i rather know that i've made a person smile than to know i've let my pride or ego get in the way. That's what God seeks, isn't it? A heart that beats for Him and His world. Never mind that the world doesn't understand. As long as God understands.

Then you may think,"but i know of selfish Christians who sound like the world you're trying not to be like. Why do you then try so hard if no one else is?"

My heart beats for God. The world's reaction is inconsequential to my actions in light of what Jesus has done for me. If that makes me stupid in the eyes of the world, so be it.

But i'm going to make a difference to each "starfish" i see, even if it's one at a time. Even if it's tiring and i get no gratitude from the world. I'm keeping on for God.

so i finally started planning for London. with 2 weeks to go.

one week doesn't feel like it's enough anymore. too many cafes to hang out at! but i guess it also means i spend less money?

but to just sit in a cafe in a foreign country to people watch.. and oh my gosh the harry potter tour i found which costs me nothing except for the public transport to get to King's Cross.. i'm eagerly anticipating it and not thinking about the flood of emails.. cafes with wifi would rock so i can clear emails..

even though my cute gay acquaintance from Warwick never gave me his number.. i'll survive.

London, wait for me.

=)

my work computer decided to crash on me. a baffling move by the MacBook Pro.

kudos to you, steve. kudos.

doesn't help that this comes 3 weeks after my brand new asus crashed on me.

two seemingly reliable brands. i think the hard disks of the world hate me. :(

at the same time, work's becoming overwhelming through no fault of mine (or so i hope). everything's suddenly snowballing and accumulating while i'm left as a sitting duck, waiting for everyone to be done with what they need to do before passing the load to me.

now i understand how Bev feels with the whole concept of being a bobblehead not by choice. how many people can you shake your head defiantly at when you're at the bottom of the food chain? you just nod your head. and pray damn bleeping hard that you'll find time to breathe during work.

sigh. just keep breathing.

my first goof.

:(

on top of that, i realised that i've probably been cheated by some ass china gmarket seller who apparantly is a "power seller". "

my left eye is itching, red, tearing and making me feel terribly uncomfortable.

my asus decided to die on my after i receive the call to work.


just give me the "Idiot of the World" award now please.

on a more serious note, please pray for me and give me a hug the next time you see me. i really can't think of any other thing i need more than prayer and a few good friends.

i hate love.

it eats you up. it tears you down. it makes you happy and sad at the same time. it leaves you confused.

it makes you expect things. and when your expectations are not met, it makes you disappointed. then love makes you feel guilty for being disappointed. it makes you feel tired for always feeling guilty. and it makes you feel guilty for feeling tired of always feeling guilty.

then you start to question if you were really loved or if your partner was just in love with the idea of being in love. and you question that about yourself too.

i firmly believe that tolerating your partner's flaws are not a sacrifice. whether she talks about herself all the time, or whether he loses his temper when you talk about yourself all the time.

it's a response to the fact that your partner loves you. but when you're not loved, there's only so far you can lie to yourself.





i really really really hate love.

it's a fresh start. a new slate.

new people in my life. hopefully the old ones are still around.

suddenly, i'm once again unsure of what's to come. probably a good thing 'cos it helps to make me a little stronger. especially when close friends are constantly on the move and flying around. like if perry were to really go to london for six months, i'd be lost for a few days. that crazy boy's just been such an incredible friend at this time, making sure i'm dealing with this new chapter. and he was even too busy to meet for dinner recently.. just as a lot of other close friends have been too busy.

work's been tiring and busy for me too. what with the wedding coming up soon as well... even more stuff to check off the list.

this uncertainty is definitely unsettling. i don't really know where i am. i feel almost ghost-like where i make contact and wonder if people will respond to me or think my touch was just a chill in the wind.





sounds almost like a perfect time to slip away from the world and hide in my little shell. unfortunately, that won't happen until after 14 May. but getting away from it all sounds so much better than this whole sense of loneliness while being surrounded by people. time to plan a solo getaway.




in the midst of all this, i'm still praying. still praying that i'd get through this period and come out a little stronger. just praying.

(never have i deleted and added and deleted a post so much before posting. bleah.)