13 things to remember if you love a person with anxiety
or
23 things to remember if you love a person with anxiety
two amazing reads and honestly, i do agree with them. far too many thoughts about this and how i wish people around me did all that with me..
then i stop and stare at the title and "love" jumps out at me.
oh. ok.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Thursday, March 17, 2016
juice cleanse daily report Day 2:
juice #1: beetroot. again. hello funky toilet business!
juice #2: i was apprehensive because of my run-in with the carrot yday and this one has ginger. oh my god ginger. surprisingly, it’s quite yummy. so it’s almost as if the ginger has gotten rid of the raw carrot end notes and make the juice incredibly refreshing. still freezing but at least i’ve got my jacket. strangely though, i’m not as hungry as i was on day 1.
juice #3: took another 10-15min nap before my juice. i’m somehow slowly getting used to this. starting to feel hungry again. maybe this is my body telling me to give up and chow down a whole fried chicken. then again, i’m not madly craving food. probably knowing that i’ve come so far already.
(juice #4 was during a meeting so no comments except *urgh*)
juice #5: feeling really down and miserable. typically, i would have turned to fried chicken or comfort food or coffee. but no. i’ve got to drink that f-ing juice. kill me.
juice #6: yakult and aloe vera. feels pretty processed to me but i love them both. not complaining.
amazingly enough, still no coffee for me. i do miss the taste but i'm not exactly craving it. or alcohol. the biggest hurdle is the desire to stuff my face with jjajangmyeon and fried chicken when my mind craves for comfort. shall see if I can arrange for it on Sunday since I need to condition my body on Saturday. hur hur hur. but if anything, I have my menu planned for Saturday. now just need to see if I can convince the mother to have Jap with me.
juice #1: beetroot. again. hello funky toilet business!
juice #2: i was apprehensive because of my run-in with the carrot yday and this one has ginger. oh my god ginger. surprisingly, it’s quite yummy. so it’s almost as if the ginger has gotten rid of the raw carrot end notes and make the juice incredibly refreshing. still freezing but at least i’ve got my jacket. strangely though, i’m not as hungry as i was on day 1.
juice #3: took another 10-15min nap before my juice. i’m somehow slowly getting used to this. starting to feel hungry again. maybe this is my body telling me to give up and chow down a whole fried chicken. then again, i’m not madly craving food. probably knowing that i’ve come so far already.
(juice #4 was during a meeting so no comments except *urgh*)
juice #5: feeling really down and miserable. typically, i would have turned to fried chicken or comfort food or coffee. but no. i’ve got to drink that f-ing juice. kill me.
juice #6: yakult and aloe vera. feels pretty processed to me but i love them both. not complaining.
amazingly enough, still no coffee for me. i do miss the taste but i'm not exactly craving it. or alcohol. the biggest hurdle is the desire to stuff my face with jjajangmyeon and fried chicken when my mind craves for comfort. shall see if I can arrange for it on Sunday since I need to condition my body on Saturday. hur hur hur. but if anything, I have my menu planned for Saturday. now just need to see if I can convince the mother to have Jap with me.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
juice cleanse daily report Day 1:
Juice #1: it’s 9am and i miss coffee. sad trex. on the side note, juice #1 is yummy.
Juice #2: I hate raw carrot juice. *shudder*
Juice #3: Pineapple is always good. but I’m so afraid that I’m going to be hungry. G came up with an idea. Cup corn without butter. I am allowed boiled veg so that works. tomorrow, i’m packing spinach and corn.
Juice #4: it’s 3pm and if i close my eyes and imagine hard enough, it feels like a mojito. one downside to this detox is everything is so damn cold. i’m freezing in office.
Juice #5: why is it so f-ing cold! this can’t be good for my body. apple, pear, and coconut water may be awesome but i’m planning my menu for next week already. and googling “cheating on juice fast”. those little f-ers never told me that it was going to be so bleeping damnit painful. i’m shaking and i can’t tell if it’s ‘cos i’m so hangry or f-ing cold or both. probably both.
(between juice #5 and #6):
i’m sleepy and hungry. honestly, i’ve been cheating already with my cherry tomatoes. screw this shit. i’m this close to chomping on a whole chicken now. i can’t even go home and sleep the night away. i have church. kill me. or feed me a whole salmon of sashimi. either way, send me to heaven so i don’t have to deal with this anymore
Juice #6: last one of the day. cherry tomato count stands at 6. or 7. Spoke to K about the prog and he said I could have boiled greens or egg white. HELLO SALAD.
thoughts on the overall process. i’m actually surprised that while i craved coffee, it wasn’t like a if-i-stop-drinking-i-will-die thing unlike my usual days. Probably because I’ve cut out coffee since Monday (that 1/4 cup doesn’t count!). the 10-min power nap during lunch helped and at least the juices seem to be scheduled when i start feeling hungry. water has been keeping me sane. because this is an introductory course, there are more fruits than veg so it can get very sweet.
now the gross bits. you don’t have to read the next paragraph.
bowel movements are going cray. i’m running to the toilet to pee. and when i do a number 2, it’s psychedelic. think about it, beetroots and carrots are so heavily colored. even my pee was colored. and i feel gassy.
all in all, i’m not beating myself up for the cherry tomato cheats. c’mon, i eat more than some of my church guys and i’ve out-eaten almost all the gym guys (damn you, CJ!) in durians despite being half their size. for someone who eats more than what she should be eating, i’m mildly proud of my ‘resilience’ in this aspect.
K is amazing though. he’s been such a supportive supplier and so helpful in my inane complaints and questions. don’t think he’s ever met a customer like me before and i’m so grateful for his help. will i do this again? ask me on Friday.
Juice #1: it’s 9am and i miss coffee. sad trex. on the side note, juice #1 is yummy.
Juice #2: I hate raw carrot juice. *shudder*
Juice #3: Pineapple is always good. but I’m so afraid that I’m going to be hungry. G came up with an idea. Cup corn without butter. I am allowed boiled veg so that works. tomorrow, i’m packing spinach and corn.
Juice #4: it’s 3pm and if i close my eyes and imagine hard enough, it feels like a mojito. one downside to this detox is everything is so damn cold. i’m freezing in office.
Juice #5: why is it so f-ing cold! this can’t be good for my body. apple, pear, and coconut water may be awesome but i’m planning my menu for next week already. and googling “cheating on juice fast”. those little f-ers never told me that it was going to be so bleeping damnit painful. i’m shaking and i can’t tell if it’s ‘cos i’m so hangry or f-ing cold or both. probably both.
(between juice #5 and #6):
i’m sleepy and hungry. honestly, i’ve been cheating already with my cherry tomatoes. screw this shit. i’m this close to chomping on a whole chicken now. i can’t even go home and sleep the night away. i have church. kill me. or feed me a whole salmon of sashimi. either way, send me to heaven so i don’t have to deal with this anymore
Juice #6: last one of the day. cherry tomato count stands at 6. or 7. Spoke to K about the prog and he said I could have boiled greens or egg white. HELLO SALAD.
thoughts on the overall process. i’m actually surprised that while i craved coffee, it wasn’t like a if-i-stop-drinking-i-will-die thing unlike my usual days. Probably because I’ve cut out coffee since Monday (that 1/4 cup doesn’t count!). the 10-min power nap during lunch helped and at least the juices seem to be scheduled when i start feeling hungry. water has been keeping me sane. because this is an introductory course, there are more fruits than veg so it can get very sweet.
now the gross bits. you don’t have to read the next paragraph.
bowel movements are going cray. i’m running to the toilet to pee. and when i do a number 2, it’s psychedelic. think about it, beetroots and carrots are so heavily colored. even my pee was colored. and i feel gassy.
all in all, i’m not beating myself up for the cherry tomato cheats. c’mon, i eat more than some of my church guys and i’ve out-eaten almost all the gym guys (damn you, CJ!) in durians despite being half their size. for someone who eats more than what she should be eating, i’m mildly proud of my ‘resilience’ in this aspect.
K is amazing though. he’s been such a supportive supplier and so helpful in my inane complaints and questions. don’t think he’s ever met a customer like me before and i’m so grateful for his help. will i do this again? ask me on Friday.
Friday, March 11, 2016
Wednesday, March 09, 2016
i used to be so confident of what i could do and what i couldn't. and wherever i was lacking in, i always tried to be a better me. it wasn't that i wanted to be everyone's cup of tea. i would be okay if peeople walked away and left. i just didn't want to be the tea that everyone avoided because they hated.
but now, i'm that cup of tea that people spit into. the cup that people keep shaking to leave unsettled just because they want to and they can.
at the same time, i've been so blessed to have a group that takes me away from those people. a group that just wants to appreciate me for who i am. a group that loves me for my flaws but doesn't just accept that i'm a horrid person and actually helps me to be a better version of me. they don't tell me that they take my brokenness or my imperfections. instead, they nurture me and help me mend the holes and better the bad things.
and God has been so good. He keeps reminding me that there are people who sincerely care. people who will miss me. people who give me a reason to keep on living and who help me to keep on living. God has been so incredibly good.
let this be my prayer. that i keep rejoicing in the good and bad. that i keep remembering that i am His and that is all i really need because He provides shelter and warmth and protection, not in the way i expect, but in the manner that He knows is best for me.
let this be my prayer that i'll be eternally grateful for the joys and sufferings in my life, simply because God is good. because God made this little cup of tea that I call me.
Thursday, March 03, 2016
"God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When don't see his plan
When you can't trace his hand
Trust His Heart"
and trust, I will. that in my shortcomings. in my failures. in my hopelessness. in my despair. in my depression.
I will keep trusting in Him.
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When don't see his plan
When you can't trace his hand
Trust His Heart"
and trust, I will. that in my shortcomings. in my failures. in my hopelessness. in my despair. in my depression.
I will keep trusting in Him.
Monday, February 29, 2016
Thursday, February 25, 2016
something for my own keepsake...
so we cover Romans 3:21-26 in bible study last night. 6 verses with so much meaning. so much intent. so much hope.
"But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it— the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith." - Romans 3:21-25a
everyone was consumed with the text. the definition of "righteousness"... the definition of "faith"... the definition of "fall short"... the definition of "propitation"... and the definition of "glory of God".
after we concluded the study over an hour, I had to interrupt. I couldn't walk away with everyone thinking, "oh, I understand what the words now mean."
so I asked them if they understood the beauty of what they read. if they saw the heart of the passage behind all the strange words of "redemption" and "justified".
SY asked if it was fair because surely, it would be unfair for a pure and blameless man to be punished on behalf of the rest of the sinful world.
i smiled.
of course not. of course it's not fair. of course it's brutal and unkind to Jesus. he shouldn't have to bear God's anger if he was always obedient.
i then asked if the sacrificial system was fair. if it was fair to the lambs, the ram, the sheep, the pigeons, that were all sacrifice in an attempt to appease God's anger. if that's not fair, what more a man's life for another, and even more, a innocent blameless man?
suddenly people started to look away from me and back at the verses in the bible. I had to push the envelope.
I asked them that if they felt it was unfair for the animals, what more Jesus? So why Jesus? We were the ones who sinned. We were the ones who rejected him. We were the ones to turn away.
I asked them if they saw how utterly useless and helpless and worthless we were in God's eyes. Then I asked them if they saw how much God loved us by not only sending His Son as a teacher, but as a blood sacrifice. I asked if they realized that our state with God was so dire and so hopeless that God had to send his own flesh, Jesus, who was in very nature God himself, to take on our sins and bear God's wrath.
That God provided Himself as a solution to our problem.
There was silence in the room as it slowly sank in.
Then I piped up with one last question.
" No one had a solution and no one deserved a solution. Do you see how absolutely necessary and humbling God's solution for us is?"
People kept their eyes on the passage and honestly, that was all I wanted to see. I didn't want them to look at others and think about how others were. I didn't want them to stare at the sky and only think of what I said. I wanted them to look at the passage and realise that it was not humanly possible to comprehend the power of the gospel.
Later during the application discussions, my group shared our struggles in remembering that we are God's redeemed. we were all broken. we were all in despair. we were all in a rut of helplessness. I overheard another group sharing their struggles with attending our church at the start. how they didn't understand why so much of our sermons evolved around understanding God, Jesus, and the salvation plan, and not around what we should do because we are Christians.
different people with different struggles. but all with one conclusion. whether broken or succeeding in a million and one things, all we need to stand in front of God to call ourselves His is simply knowing that He had sent his Son to shed blood on our behalf and to take our place in facing God's wrath. not our works. not our achievements. not the numerous things that fill up our career resume or church resume.
as I mentioned to C after that, it's really not easy and yet so easy to be a Christian. all I can do is to keep praying that I hold fast to this assurance I have.
so we cover Romans 3:21-26 in bible study last night. 6 verses with so much meaning. so much intent. so much hope.
"But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it— the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith." - Romans 3:21-25a
everyone was consumed with the text. the definition of "righteousness"... the definition of "faith"... the definition of "fall short"... the definition of "propitation"... and the definition of "glory of God".
after we concluded the study over an hour, I had to interrupt. I couldn't walk away with everyone thinking, "oh, I understand what the words now mean."
so I asked them if they understood the beauty of what they read. if they saw the heart of the passage behind all the strange words of "redemption" and "justified".
SY asked if it was fair because surely, it would be unfair for a pure and blameless man to be punished on behalf of the rest of the sinful world.
i smiled.
of course not. of course it's not fair. of course it's brutal and unkind to Jesus. he shouldn't have to bear God's anger if he was always obedient.
i then asked if the sacrificial system was fair. if it was fair to the lambs, the ram, the sheep, the pigeons, that were all sacrifice in an attempt to appease God's anger. if that's not fair, what more a man's life for another, and even more, a innocent blameless man?
suddenly people started to look away from me and back at the verses in the bible. I had to push the envelope.
I asked them that if they felt it was unfair for the animals, what more Jesus? So why Jesus? We were the ones who sinned. We were the ones who rejected him. We were the ones to turn away.
I asked them if they saw how utterly useless and helpless and worthless we were in God's eyes. Then I asked them if they saw how much God loved us by not only sending His Son as a teacher, but as a blood sacrifice. I asked if they realized that our state with God was so dire and so hopeless that God had to send his own flesh, Jesus, who was in very nature God himself, to take on our sins and bear God's wrath.
That God provided Himself as a solution to our problem.
There was silence in the room as it slowly sank in.
Then I piped up with one last question.
" No one had a solution and no one deserved a solution. Do you see how absolutely necessary and humbling God's solution for us is?"
People kept their eyes on the passage and honestly, that was all I wanted to see. I didn't want them to look at others and think about how others were. I didn't want them to stare at the sky and only think of what I said. I wanted them to look at the passage and realise that it was not humanly possible to comprehend the power of the gospel.
Later during the application discussions, my group shared our struggles in remembering that we are God's redeemed. we were all broken. we were all in despair. we were all in a rut of helplessness. I overheard another group sharing their struggles with attending our church at the start. how they didn't understand why so much of our sermons evolved around understanding God, Jesus, and the salvation plan, and not around what we should do because we are Christians.
different people with different struggles. but all with one conclusion. whether broken or succeeding in a million and one things, all we need to stand in front of God to call ourselves His is simply knowing that He had sent his Son to shed blood on our behalf and to take our place in facing God's wrath. not our works. not our achievements. not the numerous things that fill up our career resume or church resume.
as I mentioned to C after that, it's really not easy and yet so easy to be a Christian. all I can do is to keep praying that I hold fast to this assurance I have.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
"you're a victim. they are the bad people. hurt them."
"don't hurt them. be a bigger person."
"you're so fucked up that you think you're the victim. how dare you accuse someone's blameless character for your flaws"
"you deserve all this. all the treatment. all the disregard. you deserve them all."
"you actually put someone down and use your condition as an excuse. you're worthless."
"since you're so fucked up, why do you care?"
"are you pretending to be care? why so self-righteous?"
"you don't deserve anything. not even grace."
"the only thing you deserve is failure and defeat and all the bad things that are happening to you."
"remember what she said? you are to be blamed for how you turned out."
"why do I even waste all this time talking to you?"
i no longer know if i want to shut the voices in my head out. perhaps. perhaps, they are reality. perhaps the situation not as distorted as L made them out to be.
"don't hurt them. be a bigger person."
"you're so fucked up that you think you're the victim. how dare you accuse someone's blameless character for your flaws"
"you deserve all this. all the treatment. all the disregard. you deserve them all."
"you actually put someone down and use your condition as an excuse. you're worthless."
"since you're so fucked up, why do you care?"
"are you pretending to be care? why so self-righteous?"
"you don't deserve anything. not even grace."
"the only thing you deserve is failure and defeat and all the bad things that are happening to you."
"remember what she said? you are to be blamed for how you turned out."
"why do I even waste all this time talking to you?"
i no longer know if i want to shut the voices in my head out. perhaps. perhaps, they are reality. perhaps the situation not as distorted as L made them out to be.
Friday, February 19, 2016
if i'm the only one who can't communicate with anyone else...
if i'm the only one being excluded...
if i'm the only one being ignored...
if i'm the only one not being called to be part of something...
maybe i need to realize that i'm useless and worthless in contributing anything. such a failure. such a waste of space and oxygen.
please let me keep clinging to God and doing things only to please Him and to find peace with Him. let me keep holding my tongue and withholding my emotions and realize that i'm the only one to be blamed for how every thing turned out. to realize that i'm the only one makes mistakes.
shall stop being a burden soon.
- inner conflicts of the mentally defective
if i'm the only one being excluded...
if i'm the only one being ignored...
if i'm the only one not being called to be part of something...
maybe i need to realize that i'm useless and worthless in contributing anything. such a failure. such a waste of space and oxygen.
please let me keep clinging to God and doing things only to please Him and to find peace with Him. let me keep holding my tongue and withholding my emotions and realize that i'm the only one to be blamed for how every thing turned out. to realize that i'm the only one makes mistakes.
shall stop being a burden soon.
- inner conflicts of the mentally defective
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