All I do for my ministry, I do it for Him. All the hours, the tiredness, the frustrations with myself, the headaches.. it's all for Him.

So why do I feel so disheartened and dejected at man's failure to help himself to grow in the Lord when I'm here trying to help him?


I can only pray that He continues to help me keep my eyes on Him as my motivation, and not the response of people.

so I've finally caved.

I've subscribed for Starhub Go Select.

and now my best friend, and significant other, and one I really have an appt most with is my laptop and phone.

and my kindle. can't forget the kindle.


I'm in trouble. sigh.

things I've dreamt of seeing but never thought I'd actually see it...

someone cooking soft boil eggs in the pantry.


of course it's legit work here. surrounded by eggs, raw and cooked, with a notebook and timer and egg cooking machine. now I can only hope he takes me up on my eating services. jidaaaaaaan~

A year ago, I was sitting with my head down. That figurative tail between my legs. Crying because I never felt more lost or broken. Desolate because I couldn't get through the day without counting my breaths and popping a pill. Without a day where my palms weren't  wrought with deep finger nail marks and my mind muddled with giddiness and nausea (unfortunate side effects of the medication at times).

But yet there was never a day I felt far from Him. I cried for, leaned on, and looked to His unfailing nature and love to sustain me through days of my own downfall. I heard His voice reminding me to trust Him more than my own convincing me to do likewise.

"At My time. All at My time," I often heard in the murkiness of my own thoughts. There was no way I could have convinced myself of that anyway.

Today, all I need to do is stand up to hunt for a chocolate and crazy L will stand up and say, "Stress eating? Talk to me."

He's been good. So good. To remind me that I'm simply a victim of circumstances and not of people. That I'm surrounded by people who feel the same way. By people who I can rant and bitch to before we remind ourselves that it's the circumstances that are bad, not the people. And it makes the day easier to get through... the work easier to deal with.

And as such, I am grateful for the trials and tribulations for reminding me that He's all I need to sustain me through the days. That He provides the quiet spaces to cry in as much as He provides the listening ear.

And I am grateful.

As I learn more about theology to wrap my head around the meditation of His word, I've learnt to accept more things.

Like the fact that depression is a manifestation of sin. Not that I'm more sinful than others (which may still be a true fact but not an effect), but because sin is in the world and I am a sinner. I am imperfect. I am broken. I am helpless and hopeless. And therefore susceptible to depression the same way I am to the common cold and death. They stay with me to manifest as weakness or strengths at the oddest of times according to Him.

And even more so, my condition reminds me of how much my body now means nothing to me. My condition will follow me through my life the same way my shoulder injury and odd skeletal structure of my right metatarsal will follow me through life. These things never go away as long as I'm in this day and age.

But I have that perfect hope of a new body when He returns. Not now but when He comes back, He makes me perfect not because of what I've done but because of what He's done. And while that defies the human logic and ego, that's what I cling to with my broken and contrite spirit.

And I am grateful.

It's 2.30 am right now and I can't remember the last time I looked up at the stars. As I did, I remembered the neighborhood dog barking at something at the time I got home. And I thought of you. I remember you barking back in conversation. How you would go silent when we gave you a warning. How you would manja with your blue steel pose and melt me, and my hand would still make its way to you to pet away the pout. How you would flop to the side and guide me to scratch your belly the way you like it.

In the past few days, I hear your whines and cry for help at night at times, only to realize it's a bird mocking me or a creaking gate.

One week on and it still hurts. I'm still crying and I miss you so much. But I also hope you're somewhere up there running around with Baron.

I'll meet you when I'm done here. I don't know how long it will be. Between now and then, until I see you again, I will still love you. Happy birthday, my dear little boy.

Today is the one day that social media is flooded with emo/witty singles or gloating/genuinely "I NEED TO SHOW THE WORLD MY SO IS THE BEST" couples.

And today is the day I leant that poor eating decisions and lack of love will result in me missing the last few moments of Project Timothy while nursing a gastric attack.


No more apple and tea on an almost empty stomach. A diet life is not a life for me.

On the phone with a working partner this morning and out of habit, I asked him how his weekend was. He told me about his dad's birthday and how his uncle and dad revived their childhood band and it was a riot.

Then he asked me how mine was.

"Oh. Depressing. Cancelled appts. Tried to block out stuff and stick my emotions 6 feet under by drinking too much sake and letting decadence entertain me.. because I was going to murder my dog on Saturday. Cried so much that my face was swollen.. yea. Just peachy."

Definitely did not say that. Instead, I forced a smile through the phone.

"The usual. Friday night drinks. Saturday was nice. Last day of CNY where everyone is supposed to come together and catch up. Had the entire family over and company is always good."


I know that you're in a better place. Be good and I'll see you when I get there too.

"He alone is faithful and true
He alone knows what's best for you
God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
When you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart"
- "Trust His heart"


I do. I really do. I just wish it didn't hurt so bad too.

"Mental illness is not always a death sentence. People can change, they can improve. Sometimes they just need help from someone who’s not too afraid to be compassionate."

- Internet

It really is much better to deal with the relationship problems between a person and God before dealing with relationship problems between people.

On the side note, yet another exhausted, necessary, and humbling late night rant. Just reminded me of how much chaos the world is in. And after those thoughts crossed my mind, a late night excavation found bloody mucus.

Ah. Life.

so it suddenly happened. an unexpected text reply set it off.

that familiar giddiness.. that uneasiness and shivering while my eyes were unable to focus.

but I bit my tongue instead of typing out a furious reply. I wasn't sure if it was rage or exasperation or panic. or maybe a bit of everything. I actually stopped, closed my eyes, and muttered a quick prayer for my heart to quieten before responding.

the other party's high emotions softened after my next few replies as I typed them out with shaking hands. I controlled my breathing and tried to quieten the blood pounding in my ears to silence the way Liz taught me.

I'm always grateful for the angels that God sent to help me out for the rest of my life's journey. the angels that toughened me up. the angels that reprimanded me for my sake, not theirs. the angels that encouraged me. that angels that held my hand quietly without reproach or judgement.


but at the same time, Liz's parting words made sense. recovery isn't easy. when all is going well, and there aren't triggers, it's easy to lie to myself and tell myself that I'm perfectly fine. like the massive time of my life between last few years of uni to the last few years of my previous employment.

there are still residual problems that I need to work on. there's a lingering part of my mind that isn't quite right yet and I have to manage it when the time comes again or a relapse would creep in again.

and yet, I'm grateful for all that I am today and all that I've dealt with in the past 30+ years of my life. God is truly good and gracious. Even as I go into the new year, may I cling to these truths as I continue in life.

I've never subscribed to the view that organizational behavior is at its maximum potential when people with same personalities or socially categorized traits work together. I've always felt that a blend of it makes work interesting and allows you to better understand yourself and others.

Unless a person's organizational behavior is controlling, vindictive, and insecure.

But I can't deny that having similar traits definitely help.

In particular, that initial skepticism and aloofness at the start of the relationship which evolves to one of friendly physical intimacy. Like a gentle hand on the back or holding of an elbow. Or taking that "long walk to the water cooler" which is out of the way just to call someone to lunch together. Or that hysterical laughter from a shared joke when there's no one who will be upset by an inside joke.

He's been so good. Through my mental illness. Through my recovery. Through my fresh start. He keeps reminding me that He's in control through the good and bad. Now that it's all good, if it ever becomes bad, may I still remember this important truth.

Because really. How great is our God.