perhaps i'm not so tough after all...

after training in the haze on saturday, i headed down to the chinese garden when some of the cfers. didn't see much from the top of the pagoda this year. stupid haze. to give ya a lowdown, i trained when the haze was abt 130 on the PSI.. and was walking around when it was 150 before going for beer. sooooooo....

i was left pretty sick on sunday. holding back the dry cough, i was chugging down all sorts of nonsense. ginseng tea, hot tea with honey, herbal cooling tea.. i kept waking up in the middle of the night to drink water 'cos i would choke on the dryness of my throat. so.. not exactly the kind of sleep that would allow me to get better.

yday, i wasn't any better. so i got my bum down to the doc's after sophie let me in on the fact that we now no longer have to pay for the school one. the last time i went to the doctor in school, i had to pay upfront and claim for it through OSL. i stayed away from it. don't know when they finally changed it but yea.

finally armed with my medication and slightly high abt hitting the waters again, i went down for training, minus the crazy sprints. training was good. i got to row on the left waway. and i felt fantastic, as though my entire system was cleared out. i wasn't coughing or sneezing..

then this morning, i felt like total crap.

i wasn't aching very badly. just the normal aches. but my throat felt lumpy. yay. swollen tonsils despite the fact that i took my medication the night before. i'm still hiding the fact that i'm on medication from my mom. she'd chew me up and spit me out if she found out. my nose was on a dripfest. taking my medication, i went for the equipping workshop a little too groggy for my liking.

was photographer for the rest of the day at sentosa. can't say i had a sucky time but i wished i could have had more fun. felt like a party pooper at the end of the day 'cos i just got sooo drained. too much vitamin K ain't good for sick babies, esp when it's two days in a row. *suck thumb* i finally decided not to stay out too late and left with bryan and his gf instead of joining the rest for dinner as i had planned. she lives near me so i got a free ride home. (thankiew bryan!)

btw, Sam's a total sweetheart. i had to write this 'cos even though we haven't had a chance to hang out much today or as a matter of fact, the entire term, he just smsed me and told me to take care of myself. you have gotta lurve brothers like that. thankiew, ah bang!

here are some pictures...

Lantern Festival 2006

pretty maids in a row...

fel and me!

have you met my da ge? he wants to meet you if you're a hot single christian girl. ahahaha. kidding, josh.

Funday 06/07 Term 1

songs before the activities today kicked off

now i lay me down to sleep

zaixiang after a run-in with a water-happy felicia

a very color-coordinated eugene

hunchback of CF!

have you met my pregnant CGL? (don't even ask..)

does good service equate to casual flirting with the customers?

i've had my share of fantastic service. Robinsons dude running up and down to find me the best pillow due to my neck problem. NUM guys being amazingly helpful in helping me find tees for a friend's birthday..

but there's a new batch of people with a different definition of good service.. they honestly.. flirt.

don't ask me why... they say silly stuff like "you soo pretty" *puke*

advice to the service staff of singapore.. be nice!! not buaya!! it's very annoying, honestly. i laugh it off and humor them. but please don't. it's not called for professionally. perhaps it's 'cos i'm small and thus, they think it's ok? i don't think so..

enough of ranting choong siang is relegating me to the back of the counter with his "gym staff-gym trainer" argument. annoying... =p

don't know what to do next. i'm tired..

i shldn't be thinking abt nonsense like that during the term time. does nothing but distract me at this time. some issues confuse me.. some irritate and annoy me.. some make me upset. i shld be studying, damnit!

do i want to know the truth all the time? fine, gospel truth i will always wanna know. but truth abt all the other stuff that's been hounding me? i don't know. i want to be relieved to know that i've been wrong about it all the time.

as for the two of you, i'm sorry. i just don't know what to think at this point of time. i don't even want to think abt it until i'm safely in oz without your presence. pray for me, that i'll resolve it by the time i get back.

anyhoo, i'm in a christmas mood. don't asked me why. wishing that i had snow to look forward to.. making snow angels and tiny snowmen.. sipping warm chocolate at a cosy fireplace corner.. yes, i'm thinking about Grand Canyon during winter again. i miss that place. sure, it was a snowing so hard that i was unable to really enjoy the grand canyon as i would have been able to in the summer.

but i just wanna go shopping for that white christmas tree... pretty christmas ornaments.. singing christmas carols.. christmas shopping.. spending time with those who mean a lot to me.. giving thanks for the reminder of the birth of my Lord (note: i said "reminder of the birth" and not "birthday").. and knowing that jingting will be back then makes me long for it even more.

that's it.. i need a trip down to toys'r'us.. badly.

Where are you, Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know?
I'm not the same one
See what time's done
Is that why you have let me go

*****
to my sick babies, please take care.. esp my dear dragonboaters. drink plenty of water. if you have a sore throat, drink herbal tea and water and hot lemon tea with honey.. got cold don't blow ur nose off. take ur medication and sleep! come back and train with us soon. for now, we'll train for you. *muacks*

i thought it was bad when my friends were matchmaking me or teasing me with guys..

now my family's into it.

my dearest sisters found a photo in the stack that we recently developed of me and a guy friend. they promptly took it to my grandma who now thinks i'm attached. of course i called her up and rectified the issue. maybe it's a ploy to get me to talk my granny abt such issues.. i don't really like the bgr talks that i have with her 'cos she's getting a bit too worried abt me being single..

i don't understand the two morons. i love them.. i really do.. but don't get me into nonsensical trouble like that.. esp when that friend is attached already! *bleepity bleeping bleep* man.. speaking of guys.. i met rhys just now. it was nice to see a familiar face after so long. kinda like how it was when i met lem after losing contact once we left acjc.. just.. bittersweet nostalgia

don't feel too good now. think i ate too much for dinner esp with my current state. got a consistent slight cough while my nose goes crazy on me once in a while. rowed on the left today during training. it felt good to return to the left after so long though it also meant that i had to relearn the strokes on my left now. challenging but Mr Sng was really precise and clear when i approached him for more help after training.

when i rowed, all i could think of was my guiding arm.. my back when joan reminded me.. twisting more.. bending the pulling arm.. full blade in water.. vertical entry..

and once Zhui shouts "Easy" after each 1 min set, the first thought that enters my heard is "Shit.. AFA.." tiredness and stress don't agree with me. i got so frustrated with my wandering mind cos i knew that i was to reflect on my pulling and transfer. so whenever i rowed, i really tried to get myself so tired that i would only think abt recovering in time for the next set. during bathtime, i couldn't really stand straight in the showers. was shaking a little and my actions felt slow and deliberate as the hands were slowly loosening up after cramping up. my back's a little stiff right now.

sorry, joan! you had to keep correcting me just now. i'm really trying my best to relax my back more.. but i still freeze up when i don't think abt my back and worry about my guiding hand. will take note of it next training all the way up to June Fest next year!

back to my current basketcase state. my fingers are still shaking. feeling giddy plus i nearly threw up my dinner just now. still feel like throwing up a little and i still have AMA and AFA to do. happy happy joy joy. i'm ok with the workload. just not in my current physical and mental state where i really wonder if i'm headed for that crash and burn state.

i miss both my sunshine boy and happy nut now..

****
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

And there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breath again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
- Savage Garden (Crash and Burn)

ministry settled for the next two years after graduation.. i think. At supper after bible study on Thursday, 28th Sept 2006, over ice kachang, i gave James my word to continue returning to SMUCF.. to be equipped and to equip. for the next two years... yupe.

SMUCF hasn't seen the last of me. (and i thought i could run away to overseas where no one knows me)

let's just say that i want to be that senior to the juniors just as my seniors were to me. don't know if they remember it all. but i remember snippets of stuff that they told me.

vic telling me not to kill myself by pulling a one-man-show.. liyang and i talking on msn and having that one lunch together to really just share.. desmond doing a 1 hr "Kingdom of God in the Bible" with me and Ben at my first ABR on the first night at 12 am. or thereabout.. the walks back home with fred where he forced me to think critically abt ministry and my life.. the solo bible studies with baoyi where i was scared stiff (and apparantly she freaked out as well).. the Two-Ways-To-Live with Kelly, Bok and Bao.. the bus rides home with GH and JC where GH confused me for bulk of the time but when you really understand what he's trying to bring across, you just pretty much get slapped when you realize that you're not doing what you should be..

i don't remember crying to anyone of them in particular though.. hm.. only mich lee who's been there for me when i beat myself up just because of moments where i feel "lonely" and upset that i'm not content with God. oh. she also saw me thru in my first year as an exco member crying in the toilet 'cos i wasn't really assured of being a Child of God. Yes, my dear 2004/05 exco, i was struggling a lot then. Dave should know. he was nagging at me alllllll the time. but thanks for all that, bro...

just.. so many memories resurfacing. think it's the nostalgia bit in me when i realize that i'm gonna graduate soon. not really ready to leave behind this ministry as much as i would love to leave Singapore to just experience the world and grow more in Him.

to be brutally honest, i struggled with being a christian for the longest time. december 2004 to july 2005. and i was an exco member then. can you imagine the fear and panic that i was trying to suppress? the many times i cried 'cos i was just so uncertain of where i was headed for: destruction or really that certainty of hope at the end of the day. i remember sitting by the evans road with Ford on the last night of dec camp 2004, just crying. (yes, i'm dead emotional. got a prob with that?)

Ford was amazing. he didn't say a word. i was ranting for most part of it. when my tears finally dried, he spoke. i can't remember most part of what he said to me that night but i still have the encouragement note he wrote to me:

It is always great to have you around as a friend and a sister in Christ. Thank you and others for always encouraging me and (bringing) me towards Christ... ...but talking to you really made me become more motivated. i really hope that you feel the same way. the road towards Christ is treacherous and tideous... ...True faith is the only way towards salvation. always think of ways to brighten up your Christian faith and life by always looing at the lovely side of things and not be so pesimisstic towards life. hee hee. cheer up!

and you wonder why i miss that dude so much.. SA had taken a dear brother away from me... can't wait for him to return from exchange.

but i digress.. i've written so much.. just to bring about the idea that the platform that God has given the Christians in SMU through SMUCF has been one heck of a journey for me. i've grown so much.. and now.. all i really wanna do is give it all back.. to served others as much or even more than how others have served me during their time of partnership in this ministry.

keep me accountable and in all of your prayers, aites? Lemme serve as much as or even more than those before me.

the day started out gloomy right from the time i awoke.

not feeling too well. got a slight cough and was sneezing madly this morning. worried abt tax planning and afa. heck, i'm not worried abt my grades. just worried about my dad getting pissed at me graduating with minimal honors or none at all. i'm not made for accounting. and once again, i questioned my choice to come to SMU. ya know what? i didn't really have a choice. it was either accounting in SMU or accounting in NTU. i'd end up either a SMUgger or NUTter anyway. just can't get the basic concept. seriously pissed with myself.

and my right shoulder is aching from training. not in an injured way. in a tired way. want a massage. basically, a terribly grumpy stoned out morning for me.

then i met you. and we talked. or rather i talked and you listened.

and i'm fervantly thanking God for everything that's lead up to today.

'cos of the uncanny way you make things better just because you are around.













PS: if you think it's you, it's not. i'm not saying who.. ahahahaha

PPS: It's just a very very very dear friend whom i'm not in love with. so jeri ong, you can stop thinking of ways to suan me.

terribly warm day but don't feel like eating ice cream.. i want.. i want.. my rhumba frappe..

had fun at eve's party last night. got to talk and chill with the girls. i lurve them all, honestly. at the end of it, ben sent yc and me home.

in the car, we just played his CD and sang along really loudly.. whether out of tune or the guys adding their own little erm.. "uniqueness" to the song. reminded me of the time bryan and i were singing along to the disney CD on top of our voices in the front seat while fred moaned about his headache in the backseat. you have gotta adore these guys. it's the little things that make me smile and love them even more despite how they manage to antagonize me in school time after time.

anyhoo, it's off to melbourne and sydney for me this december. *fingers crossed* the last time we tried to book a trip there, it was full. we ended up in the surreal winter wonderland of Japan. just thinking of the memories at asakusa, komatsu, shirakaba-go, tateshima, tokyo.. esp the magnificent dinner buffet spread followed by the soak in the hot spring while it was -15 C at night when we stayed ikenotaira at tateshima.. or even the ferris wheel that night at odaiba (biggest in asia!). as much as i'm afraid of heights, i seem to find myself on ferris wheels. the second biggest in asia is the ferris wheel at miramir in taipei. and yes, i've been on that one too.

but it's the sunny oz again. can't remember the last time i went to oz. think i was 14 and it was at perth. gosh. i miss perth terribly. the laidback charming feel of the place comes rushing back as i remember the time in the park surrounded by white swans.

so this time, i'm going back to oz. after 8 years. armed with a better camera and my 1 gb memory card. hope this time, it'll work out and i'll get some time away from Singapore and my friends. as much as i love them, i enjoy times of just one week or slightly more away from them. to get away from that giddy rush of being around them to take a breather. and reflect on the bonds forged in the past year. esp to my dear new friends. and get my thoughts sorted out on two very special friends.


(you two don't know how much you really mean to me. and honestly, neither do i. i need to sort this out with myself first with regards to you both. now's just not the time.)


Christmas party at the end of the year too. thinking of having it on the 30th of Dec. it's a sat. the usual post-christmas-pre-new-year party. CFers, anyone got a house to spare? or a function room at a more central condo? (Simei a bit far arh, eve..) if not, i'll have to think of a way to get my house for all of us. sticky issues at home with regards to christmas lah. you guys shld know. heez.

Current List of My Life

so many things that i want to do..
- really grasp the stooooopid concept of conso
- drop my accounting degree and take up a law one now (please mummy? please?)
- shop with no credit limit on someone else's card (oooh rich bf... where are u...)
- go to Japan now
- watch "Carmen"
- watch "Banquet" (daniel wuuuuuuu~)
- get my hands on the sony ericsson 800i
- buy that pair of extra running shoes (and i haaaate running.. but it keeps me fit..)
- eat dreyers "chocolate cake". despite the fact that i have one full tub of dark choc gelato screaming at me from the fridge.
- stock up on my CD collection (the new jay chou one.. and take that's dvd.. and justin timberlake's... and christina aguilera's.. and fall out boy.. and new found glory.. and.. erm.. a new CD tower. ahahaha)
- be a tai tai. as if that hasn't been obvious enough...



so many things that i hope to do
- have a fantastic time with mich, siding and py at chinese garden
- have a fantastic time with fel (and any other interested cfer) at chinese garden
- give evelyn a fantastic 21st birthday experience
- complete the "encounter" jigsaw puzzle and frame it up
- win that damn medal at Regatta even though i'll look back in a year's time and give thanks for the memories of the team instead
- dance in the rain. haven't done that in a really long time...
- fall in love one day. hey. i'll take that chance if God brings him along..


isn't it obvious? i'm officially stressed. which is why instead of studying, i'm doing nonsense like blogging. argh. i need to stop procrastinating and get back to work. 2 law reports to churn out by thursday. kinda reminds me of last sem where my weekends were devoted to reading up for my law classes. gosh. those days were fun. and now, i'm stuck trying to work out conso journal entries or trying to figure out the terrible literature of the income tax act (noooo bleeping full stop man..) . give me Lord Denning or Lord Hoffman any day.. argh. but so much for the first two list.. the last one is the most important..



the one thing that i will do
- be addicted to You

i nearly got a heart attack. and i declare my love for tonight is thomasz kuszczak. for that fab save against gilberto's penalty. badly aimmed on gilberto's part.. but a heart-stopper for me.

arsenal and man utd matches always get me riled up. and it's just that adrenaline. best of all, i have ronaldo entertaining me. like how he kicked the ball into lehman's face. i just burst out laughing.. not s'posed to be funny. but i just cracked up.

anyhoo, i went for the run. initially wanted to go 5 km. but with the drizzle, i decided to cut short to a 4 km run. felt good to finish it off with striding up the damn slope at my place. i never ended off the run that way before and it was just fantastic.

and that's it.. no more baileys for my dad. he's reached the pinacle of my threshold with regards to flatulent pong. it seriously diffused all the way to the second floor (no current witness at third floor to scream complains) and all he did was smiled at me.

"Irish Cream"

irish cream, my ass. just 'cos i've suddenly developed an adversion to alcohol, save beer, he drinks the baileys for excuses to leave his aromatic trail behind. Gawd...

gave water training a miss yday 'cos of my back.. which was good anywayz. got hit by cramps at noon. was pretty grouchy 'cos my lower back was achy for the rest of the day. so decided to run today.. i haven't gone for a long run since... week 3 of sch? supposed to go run at 5.30.

5 pm, it starts to pour. blasted rain. i'm hoping it ends by 5.30.

5.20 pm and it stops. i ask fred if i'd be testing the limit of the weather. he says yes and that he's gonna make use of it to go to HV (rain = more parking spaces) for a dinner and haircut. i get a bit pissy.

5.27 pm. blasted rain starts again.

5.55 pm. i go into rain, stare at the sky and scold it.

5.57 pm. mom tells me to run around the house. i throw a mini-tantrum and glare at the rain.

6.09 pm. the rain's stopped just as i start to blog. fine.. i'm going to run now... it better not rain when i'm running.. or i'd be really pissed for the rest of the day.. see an email from a friend "Never frown when you're down, you never know who's falling in love with your smile..." *forced smile*


sighz.

random morning thoughts

i'm not a freaking morning person.. i'm sorry, i'm not.


i don't get grouchy. i'm just.. a little more blur than ever.

so this morning, as usual, mommy dropped me off at sch a little too early for class. so i went to the gym. yy was kind enough to let me take a nap in the corner near the cupboards. a short while later, cj came along. at that time, i was resting on my lappie. he promptly produced a sleeping bag for me to use as a pillow. made the morning a little more bearable for me.

after that, i went to get breakfast before class.. and thought i saw a friend. i kinda stared a little too long, wondering if it was really my friend or not. the guy then smiled. i smiled back. then realized he's not my friend. shit. i'm damn blur. at least i'm seen as friendly.. i hope.

after that, i kinda just kept my gaze undirected and unmoving.. no eye contact means no more mistakes. yes, i'm dead blur in the morning.

the level 4 water cooler has a high projectile jet. sorry to bring up physics terms. just cldn't think of another way to describe it. but anywayz, it reminds me of that scene in Great Expectations. where pip is drinking from the water cooler. then estella comes over and drinks from the same jet of water, allowing their lips to meet. my thoughts aren't terribly coherent in the morning..

Oh! in my post on musicals and perception, i mentioned that would like to watch carmen. and guess what! it's coming to singapore!

ok.. quick background on the story. it talks abt a gypsy lady, Carmen. She dances and seduces her way out of prison and into the hearts of men, ultimately leading to her downfall when one of them allows love to drive him quite mad and kills her when she doesn't love him back.

Anyone wanna watch? (details, click here) lemme know!!

my new gym schedule is up for until nov. my dear friends, if you wanna visit me in the gym (oh please do please do please do), lemme know then i'll tell u my gym schedule. and oh! call me before that too. just in case i'm hungry. heez.

middle of week 4..

and i'm dead tired already. by about 12 midnight, i'm lethargic, a far cry from the usual me who'd still have the stamina to continue my readings or msning until 2 in the morning. perhaps i'm really older. 22 already. but at times, i feel like i'm still 19, finally discovering the world for myself and learning a little more each day. i don't know..

still remember running around toys'r'us with henry that year.. i was christmas shopping. the dear boy (whom i'm missing sooo much) came along after we bought his goggles at queensway. it was the most fun outing to toys'r'us ever for me. for once, no one was pulling toys out of my hands and giving me a "why don't you act ur age/grow up?" look. instead, he played along with me. i laughed 'til i cried that day. that silly boy has that ability to do that to me..

in case you're wondering why i miss him now... he kinda disappeared after he got a gf. haiz. what to do right?

but oh well.. i would love to do that again.. with a friend who'd just allow me to lose myself to that little girl inside once again.. and make it such a comfortable and memorable experience for me as well. where i don't have to act my age.. but that isn't the point of the blog..

i just wanted to say that i've been tired. i honestly haven't been pleasant during the past week. just flustered with everything. last week, i cried while walking home. just the tiny matters snowballing and making it worse for me. and then me realizing that i haven't been very nice to the cfers who have been there for me all the time. and i cried so hard, ignoring the cars that went by me.

at that point, i wanted to be hugged.. i wanted to be cuddled.. i wanted someone to hold my hand and tell me that he'd be there for me. from there, i thought abt the nameless/faceless guy that i had dreamt about before. not daydreams. but real dreams that come to one upon slumber. in those dreams, the guy would hold my hand.. he'd hugged me.. he'd make me secure even if i was crying. and i would wake with the sensation of dried tears on my face. just thinking abt all that, i cried even harder that night as i walked in.

no. i don't want a bf. but perhaps, i need one. *shrugs*

if anything, what James said today just made me smile a little today.. removed the tiredness when i was really reminded of the love from God. one question just kept resounding in my head..

"Why did You choose me? Why choose to love me when i couldn't even love myself?"

then it hits home.. i never realized how much more i needed Him in my life. for that stability.. for that peace to know that one day, all this tiredness will be gone. all my tears will be wiped dry. all because He chose to love me even before the foundations of the world.

still tired.. but it makes things a little easier i guess... to really want to live my life because of His love for me. plus, i managed to get eileen to take my shift tmr.. so i'm free to do my readings and spend more time with the cfers in the lib. and it's times like these where i look at the quotes in the sidebar.. and get a little more encouraged.. the three quotes mean a little smth to me.

"In Christ alone" is smth i sing to myself when i'm tired and just need a break.. reminder that it's gonna take more than the world to break me. as for the little poem from Band of Brothers, i just thought it was a good reminder to live a Christ-like life.

the last quote, "Lean on me" was introduced to me by Ben. my dog had just passed away then and i was going thru a really hard time in sch 'cos it was the period of presentations and quizzes. then Ben smsed me those very words when he learnt that i was struggling along. it's been great comfort, my dear brother, even up to today.

but yea... like i said, i'm too easily exhausted now.. 12.36 am and i'm lying on my pillows as i type this entry. the screen is a blur (also because i'm short sighted and the screen is against my lap. (erm.. yar lah. funny position to imagine.. but very comfy). think i'll give the gym a miss for thurs and fri. really need to just rest now. get the energy back.