i am earnestly sadden. like there's a weight in my heart.

it's home away from home. i'll miss the people... miss the weather... miss the long walks... miss the charming city... and miss big brother! gosh. i swear, melbourne is the only country that has made me feel this way.

normally, what that saddens me is the fact that i have to return to work/school. that's what that gets me down. but now, it's the fact that i have to leave this place that gets me down. i wld really love to move to melbourne and work here. absolute struff, really.

the fashion.. it's so forgiving. florals. prints. peasants. trackies. boardies. woollen shorts. and in winter, the hoodies that spring up.. i really had to stop at one 'cos my bags are threatening to explode now. if given the chance, i would have bought more than 10 from both jay jays and qv. and the uggs!!! i want a pair of uggs!!

don't get me started on the food. italian is amazing.. the pancakes at pancake factory? and coffees and gelatos and hot chocolates and donuts and chippers and victoria bitters and sweet mandarins and pink lady apples and lollies and sherbets and... argh. i know singapore is a food paradize. but where are my pancakes??

omg. absolute misery for me right now.

ok, time is running out for me right now. let me just sit here and mope. i wanna move to melbourne. now.

met up with jas yday. we talked. we caught up. i took a long long long walk back to guesthouse. got lost along the way but had an eyeful of the suburbs. i really like this. i'm going to miss this.. including bumming at the guesthouse and louging in tracky decks. think of all the boardies i'm going to miss out on in dec!!!

besides, i'm slowly starting to feel more like the person i kinda lost along the way since my final year. fruitful trip? yea, i guess.

today, i returned to myers and melbourne central. it's official. i need to stop shopping. really. ahahahah. i think i'm done.

craving lunch, i popped by elizabeth street. the usual cafe and overpriced fast food fare lined the roads. then i remembered an address. 359 little bourke street. it's a little off elizabeth street so i pop by for a cuppa. long macchiatos are the way to go for me.

Brother Baba Budan is a cool little place with chairs hung from the ceiling, save for the screaming kid who was there when i dropped by. it helps that one of the barista is easy on the eye. brunettes rock!

sorry no pics of the said barista. you can't expect me to be snappy when ever a looker appears, right? too stalkerish. speaking of stalkers, freddy rodriguez is hot in ugly betty 2 (watch to find out the link. ha!)

there's just a table in the middle of the small cafe. everyone sits around it. i love it. it's just shy of an attractive lone stranger sitting across me and smiling back. my long macchiato came with a heart. i glanced around and see the white ferns against the coffee brown. when i know that the cute one took my order and is in charge of the milk imprints, i'm not complaining. :)

i was pretty lost in my book and then came the familiar grinding followed by the clicking sound. i looked behind.

man i miss making coffee. i miss grinding the beans, filling up the funnel, watching the espresso drip into the cup while i steam the milk.

it made me think. i wanna open up a cafe. i wanna be there for people who crave a coffee fix or just a place to hide away from the hustle and bustle of the city and mingle around a large table. i wanna be there with the staff to greet people with, "hello, how are you today?" and watch as shy strangers find companionship with each other.

anyone wanna suggest a apot and contribute to the start-up capital? think it'll be lovely.

talking about finding people to join me on stuff.. anyone wanna take up diving, surfing and/or sailing? i wanna hit the waters again. :)

i swear, i could get used to this..

continuous walking while freezing early in the morning, long machiatos to warm me up, instant dinners on the bed in front of the telly, watching big brother at 7.30, knowing that queen vic is an hour walk away from my place for fresh and cheap fruits (prahan is too expensive).

met up with derrick yday. it was nice to hang out again and just catch up again. that dude's got long hair now!

anyhoo, fashion here is just sweaters and sweaters and sweaters. managed to get some stuff. some.. trying to stop myself from buying more hoodies. they are too awesomely cute.

and oh, since when did blonde guys become cute too?? i blame surfer dudes!

oh well, guapo galore. i still blame the tanned blonde hair blue/green eyed well-sculptured surfer dudes like cherry from big brother australia 2008. ok, his photo on the website isn't as nice. you have to be here to see the guys for yourself.

ok, usual fare each day. my camera hasn't seen much light though. i somehow i just enjoy walking and looking around, but now, i just like lookiing around and soaking in the sights but just no kick to take out the camera to snap away.

feel like i need to do more shopping. a little unsatisfied with my shopping so far. anyway, first thing to do when i get back to singapore is to cut my hair. it's keeping the neck warm but it's also getting out of hand.

oh, need to get me a pillow. like a big one. so that i can sleep and hug on the planes. sigh. it's gonna take me a while to get used to the non-natural air conditioner temp in singapore. sigh.

tiring day today. i've been on my feet since the morning. took a walk from the guesthouse after brekkie and on the move since then. finally ventured to the shrine of remembrance. thought of what uncle peter mentioned abt the shrine and was chuckling to myself.

from there, i headed into the city for shopping. crazy sales every where but when things begin expensive, even after sales, they are expensive. ended up with 2 hats, 2 belts and a jacket. and oh! had sashimi for tea! aussies have little appreciation for sashimi, i think. had nice 15 pieces for 8.50AUD (11SGD). normally, a sashimi fillet that wld give you abt 15 pieces would set you back by 15SGD back home.

the handrolls are weird though.. they are like huge sushi pieces that aren't cut up. and they cost 2.20AUD (2.86SGD). and they didn't even have tempura or soft shell crab. instead, they had teriyaki chicken or seaweed(??!!??) handroll. and inari with godknows what fillings are 2AUD (2.60SGD)

note to those back home, aunty yong, if you're reading this, i have your extra hot nandos sauce! jt, there are noooo board shorts for girls here. shorts are minimal and normal cotton ones..

found one of the coffee places on little bourke street. too late, places here close by 5 normally. did more grocery shopping and bought me dinner for the next few nights. saves me a couple of bucks.

unfortunately, i had to air my room 'cos it stank of lagsana and a lot of cheese. which means it's crazy chilly with the natural air-conditioning. tmr, i'm dinnering in the dining room.

anyway, since i've done the main city area today, think i'll head over to bridge road or queen vic tmr and end off with elizabeth st again for hair stores.

big brother is very distracing. i can't believe i'm watching big brother. but it's really quite funny. anyone who's played "hotseat" will really enjoy it.

hotseat is a game where everyone sits around the table and one person sits at the head or hotseat. then they get 4-5 questions directed at them and they have to answer truthfully. hilarity ensues, esp when you put a couple of lookers in the mix. 'cos then people start confessing about liking each other and stuff.

and i adore travis! he's sooo funny and entertaining. plus, he's always ready with a joke and smile. and how everyone seems to enjoy his company. i need a bff like travis. i imagine shopping and cafe visits to be extrememly fun. more on travis here: http://www.bigbrother.com.au/housemate-profile-travis.htm

the hosts made him drop his jeans on national tv while his mom was in the audience just so that people could see his bright red biker shorts. and he was screaming like a little girl when he turned his back to the camera, dropped his pants and pulled it up quickly.

ah... i've got my tv-fix for the rest of the nights!! hopefully can meet up with derrick tomorrow. need to memo myself to call him tmr morning. urgh.. don't forget.. forget..

my shower has officially made me dumber. then again, i was dumb enough to take a shower. the water daggers from the showerhead should have been enough warning. me and my vanity.

right now, i'm under my covers and i'm absolutely knackered.

did part one of shopping. nearly all my snacks shopping is done. bags and boxes of starburst.. a full carton of multi-colored sour ribbons and a box load of "extra-raspberry" candy. a dark flake and chips for myself too. bought me some fruits from QVM and a box of instant soup.

just got tim tams and the nandos' peri peri sauce left.

after that, i was taken to the albert sailing club to catch part of the regatta. neat stuff. i walked the entire 4.7 k of albert park surrounding the lake, plugged into the beatles and watching the swans chase people.

by the time i hit back to the club, the last boat was coming in after the second race. during dinner, i got to talk to a sweet couple who's name i never got. talked abt sailing, abt work and coffee joints. the very nice lady who's a nurse gave me the contacts to two nice ones. going to check them out soon enough.

aunty boon, james (uncle peter's nephew) and i went down to the lake to fed the swans. james made us feed the swans by hand. stupid swans. got bitten and then chased by a fat one who had its eyes on my beer.

at the end of the night, i spoke to the owner of the sailing club. think his name is bob. interesting guy. besides managing the club, he just travels the world with his wife. listened to his ancedotes and got some advice from him about europe.

funny how i haven't been in much of a socializing mood recently. i have to force myself to talk at lunches, even when it's with close friends. i'm just happy to sit and listen. today, it felt more natural. and even fun.

so much from the first day. this tuesday, i'm hoping to venture over to daylesford spring. tmr, it's the city!

as i type this while muching my jacob crackers, it's 11.58 pm in singapore. and a fantastic 1.35 am in darwin. it's not stopping the darwin international airport from being superbly crowded.

then again, the airport is really quite small. comparable to our budget terminal even. cool stuff. I'm hanging around, waiting to board the plane to melbourne. NT* seems cool enough.

like people so sleep-deprived that they are groggy and don't register anything coherent when called to board their planes. wicked.

speaking of wicked, it upsets me that the muscial is showing in Melbourne. Is it ever going to reach the home of the spewing mythical creature?

anyway, photos will come up later. too lazy to upload. then again, i'm like a little coward who doesn't wanna be toooo touristy by whipping out my camera and snapping away like a psycho-nut while people are attempting to get shut-eyes.

during our sunday brunch, carolina remarked that the best looking guys are hiding out in melbourne. you kidding me???

the NT guys are easy on the eyes too! trust me, it's not a causcasian thing. there are non-good looking caucasians just as there are attractive asians. trust me, i've seen below average ones. There are those with ears that sitck out, buck-tooth.. (when i judge others as below average, people are very very very welcomed to put me in that category. my vanity will argue otherwise though..)

but there are good looking ones with eyes sooo blue. and seas of green... ah.. going to board the plane now. more when i reach melbourne!

*NT = North territories, the state where Alice Springs and Darwin are in.

one thing i like about songs is how the melody gets stuck in your head and you keep humming it over and over again. and before you know it, you're singing along to the tune in your head.. and the words just pound and pound repeatedly.

and it hits you. it hits you so beautifully when the words convey such an important message.. an important reminder.. an amazing consolation to all the fleeting things of vanity that life promises at this very instance. the one song ODing in my head? Prince of Peace

You are Holy (Prince of Peace)
guys - blue / girls - red / combined - purple
You are holy (echo)
You are mighty (echo)
You are worthy (echo)
Worthy of praise (echo)
I will follow (echo)
I will listen (echo)
I will love You (echo)
All of my days (echo)

I will sing to and worship (You are Lord of lords, You are Kings of kings)
The King who is worthy (You are mighty God, Lord of everything)
I will love and adore Him (You're Emmanuel, You're the Great I AM)
I will bow down before Him (You are Prince of Peace who is the Lamb)

I will sing to and worship (You are Living God, You are Saving Grace)
The King who is worthy (You will reign forever, You are Ancient of Day)
I will love and adore Him (You are alpha, omega, beginning and end)
I will bow down before Him (You're my Savior, Messiah, Redeemer and Friend)

You're my Prince of peace
I will live my life for you

how's that for a song? tells us who He is.. tells us what to do.. and gives us so much hope. Prince of peace. the one way to reconciliation for us. the one way to true peace within any person. true peace is not your typical beauty pageant world-peace crap. i'm talking about the peace that allows you to look into the mirror, be both disgusted and blessed with what you see, and get by each day, knowing full well that He's all you have and need.

because He's your everything.

It's sooooo stuck in my head. :P

Work makes me depressed.

What's even more depressing is that retail therapy does nothing for me nowadays. I walk in and out of shops aimlessly. Nothing catches my fancy anymore. Shoes don't fit as well and aren't what I have in mind. Apparels just leave me bored as I filter in and out of shops.

Perhaps it's the fashion of the seasons that don't thrill me anymore. Or perhaps I'm just too boring.

What ever happened to the clean classic fitted white t-shirt? Or basic quarter sleeves with details in the collar.

Crap. I can't find anything in the stores that thrill me. I have my own grips even about the underwear styles and brands I swear by.

Then again, it's hard when you're always digging through the bargain bins or mid-range price shops. I tried a dress from the penelope cruz dress from mango. Didn't thrill me. Then I remember a ted baker dress I tried. It was classy and simple, not over the top. It was tailored and it was flattering. It had a high 3 digit price-tag to it.

I hate fashion. It creates a mould for people to fit into and leaves little room for individualism. I can't follow seasons. From safaris to maxi dresses to tunics. The worse is prob bubble skirts. I'm not saying that people who wear stuff like that are wrong. I'm saying people who wear stuff for the sake of fashion and feel uncomfortable and don't even like how they look are dumb. Why conform to the 'fashion of the times'?

Maybe that's why I love hats. No one touches hats. Classic fedoras, baseball caps and the brown hat that I go every where with. Prob the only clothing that I truly feel comfortable with and love to wear. It's easy to find a hat I like. Still..

Style is lost on the world. Clothes shouldn't make people self-conscious of themselves. Clothes should make people feel comfortable and relaxed and beautiful. When I walk the streets, I see people. I see good-looking people. There are truly beautiful people out there, just not as many as there should be. Beautiful people are those who like what they wear, are comfortable with what they wear and not make people's eyes burn with horror when they walk past. Being comfortable in clashing pj-like clothes at raffles place is not beautiful.

As I write this, I'm tugging at my white top. It keeps eating up into my pits...

I write this as a late tribute to a style guru. He knew what he was doing. He knew that his designs were not made for breakthroughs in the fashion world. He knew that his designs were for women. He didn't do it just for the fame, he did it for the women.

From the man who once said, "Fashions fade, style is eternal", hats off to you, Yves Saint Laurent.

i've changed.

i used to be the one that no one would make an initiative to talk to. just because i look unapproachable. just because i look haughty and couldn't care less about making conversation.

yet, things have changed. i still remember the last time i walked to raffles city from office and a mormon spoke to me. he wasn't evangelizing. we were really just chatting about walking and the weather. all he did was say hi. i returned the greeting and the conversation started.

the second last time i bought a CD (Augustana), the counter staff at hmv started talking to me about acoustic bands. he asked me for recommendations and i admitted that i wasn't one who knew too much about acoustic bands. then we started to chat abt buying trends of the music-listening crowd.

then the guy at gramaphone struck up a conversation when i was paying for Jason Mraz's latest album. and yes, i do not have Mraz's first album. anyone wanna buy it for me?

recently, i've just been talking to strangers. at the viet deli, a stranger struck up a conversation with me about viet cuisine while we were waiting for our baguettes. at soup spoon, i introduced the wonders of the weekly special to the stranger at the next table. Simon and Garfunkel is good stuff.

makes me wonder. the guys besides the counter staff at both CD shops were caucasians. maybe it's not me. it's just the people that by chance are near me. maybe i haven't changed. just the people around me have. :)

**

anyone knows where i can go for good chilli crab besides melban? i need options. and quick. ;P

God,

grant me the serenityto accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

the wisdom to know the difference;

and the strength to not kill those around me

It just says a lot when you feel very alone. suddenly. makes you wonder if you're the one changing for the worse when you try to please Him more and more. still praying.. still praying.

i cannot tolerate irresponsible late people who disregard the feelings of others who make an effort to be on time.

i've lost count of the number of times where people sms me at the time that we're s'posed to meet and tell me that they'll be late by more than 15 min. would it kill to sms earlier? would it kill to even just sms?

all the lame excuses i've heard.. i make the effort to be on time. when i'm pressed for time to meet the appointed time, i will cab. just 'cos i don't like to keep people waiting. and i will sms even if i'm going to be 5 min late.

don't tell me to be late as well. that has got to be the most unloving and discouraging thing that any and every like-minded person in any fellowship has told me. a time is set aside for a purpose.

the worse are those who aren't sincere. where apology is just a fomality and they brush it off with a "sorry la. but everyone's late also.."

well, i was there on-freaking-time. and it tells me that you don't care abt me. you don't give thought to my effort to be on time. i hate to be taken for granted.

as ironic as it is, it's usually the pagans who are sincerely apologetic. my own fellowship takes it for granted. we should forgive one another right? so if they screw up, i should be loving and forgive them right?

so does that give them room to be unloving, impolite and show absolute disregard to my feelings? don't brush off my feelings. it pisses me off. it hurts when people don't bother.

sure, it's a "singapore" thing to be late. just 'cos it's in the culture, it doesn't make it right. it just means that the entire irresponsibly late people are all guilty. if people were thrown in jails for being late and irresponsible, our cells would be overcrowded.

i'm not saying you can't be late. i'm saying you can't be irresponsible. don't lose track of time. don't assume everyone is going to be late. don't sms people at the appointed time to tell them that you're going to be half an hour late. give early notice!

the next time something like that happens, i'm cancelling my attendance. i don't want to humor 'friends' who disrespect me.
***

on a lighter note, my dance instructor just poked my tummy on saturday and told me to lose weight. i was beyond horrified. where did all that tire appear for him to poke poke??

so starts my plan to save money and lose weight. i'm embarking on the sandwich lunch. this week, i'll be lazy and just have white bread. will progress to wholemeal by next week. as evidence of my laziness, i cldn't find my lunchbox this morning. which meant that my cherry tomatoes would have to get themselves another container.

i stood and stared around the kitchen for half a minute, cherry tomatoes in one hand and still waiting for my ham to heat up. then i popped all three into my mouth while making the sandwich.

and oh, i'm going to take up yoga. lose weight, i say, lose weight, you fat-face chinese girl!

****

~Sample of OD-ed playlist of the moment~

what about taking this empty cup

and filling it up with a little bit more of innocence

i haven't had enough

it's probably because when you're young

it's ok to be easily ignored

i'd love to believe it was about love for a child

- Jason Mraz "Love for a child"

espressos should come in a drip. something that i can IV into myself and get it to my bloodstreams. i foresee that buying a short latte with double shot espresso from my good friend every morning will leave me, well, rather broke. money pumped into the sweet smelling arabica beans sounds ideal in the short run but my nervous system and pockets would hate me for it.

perhaps it's the exhaustion from finally coming to terms with one too many things last night. the realization of really, what a shithead i am.

part of me wishes to curl up and pretend that the past 5 years never happened. that it was just a dream and that i can just go on living life the way i intended to. a life of luxury and extravagance of weekly visits to paragon, pulling my two IV drips with me: one for my failing liver, one for my espresso.

another part of me is still blowing that amber from the fire that started 5 years ago. still praying fervantly that the fire will be ignited once more and this time, more vicious than the last time. with His name on my lips and just giving thanks for each and every daily struggle and joy.

there's time to sort all that out. not much time but there's time. for now, let's just settle for coffee