one day, when i was seriously concentrating on an article at work, my boss popped by my table and asked if i needed coffee. i shook my head with a smile and he asked me again. then he said i looked like i had zoned out.

zoned out????

then it reminded me of GL. whenever he's showing me a new technique or move, i'm studying how his legs pivot and how the punches or kicks swing.. i'm seriously reading his moves and trying to figure out how the punch works and where the kicks land. then he'll ask me if i'm tired out 'cos i look like i'm stoned.

i shared it with my girls. E agreed. she said that when i'm concentrating, i actually look like i'm confused and completely oblivious to what that's happening. and my eyes will widen but turn blank.

it's now known as the D.O look. the wide glassy eye look that seems to glaze over everything even though my head is processing everything.

i can't tell if D.O look is better than my death glares that my colleagues don't like though. hahahaha. something's seriously wrong with me.

Other than being extremely distracted by the golden fluffiness of Taehyung (not even Jimin and that awful drifting tank top can take my attention away), I'm just reminded of how much I miss dancing. I really need to sort out my financials and schedule.. and stop traveling for a while. so i'll actually have the money and be in Singapore to go back to class. sigh.

"你问我来自哪里
笑着回答是秘密
只要是你和我 一起走下去
天堂在随时和随地"


just because I absolutely love Chen's and LuHan's voices.

It's on days like these when I want to disappear from the face of the earth... when You gently remind me that I'm not alone. When You remind me to keep my chin up because of the people You've surrounded me with to keep me smiling despite it all. And no matter how tired and frustrated I am, You are always there, watching me trudge through life's trials and grow more and more in understanding of Your plan for all of us. Thank you. I'm forever grateful.

It's stuff like that which make me wonder why my parents chose to let me learn piano instead of ballet. I would probably be a lot slimmer, given the fact that I would have been sitting on my ass a lot less and doing pirouettes instead.

and it would also mean that I wouldn't be dying every time my coach forces me to stretch into a split during Sunday morning training.

but who knows. maybe if I had been sent for ballet classes, I would be wondering why I wasn't sent for piano lessons.

I do miss dancing. I miss picking up choreographed steps and feeling that sense of accomplishment when I master it.

maybe I should start dancing again. before my rusty bones protest further.



inspired.

went for lunch with the K sisters after church today at TP. then when we were walking to the train station, an elderly couple sitting in the shade near the train stations asked if we could buy them some food for lunch.

it was nearly 3pm by then. the sisters were rushing off so I told them to go ahead and that I would deal with the matter. I turned to the couple and told them that International Plaza should have food and we could head there together. the elderly man thanked me and helped his wife(?) slowly get up and walk. but we had only gone a few steps when the old lady said that she was too tired and that it was too hot so she just wanted to sit. I offered to buy them food but the man rejected the offer with a soft smile, leading the lady back to the shade to rest.

feeling uneasy, I walked quickly over to the plaza. the sun was honestly mad hot. thankfully, there was a deli there so I picked up two chiffon cakes and a bottle of cold water before jogging back to the corner, hoping the couple was still there. thankfully they were and the man had stopped another young couple this time, asking if they could help them buy a bun or something. I figured he had a change of heart so I quickly approached him.

the elderly man looked at me stunned before breaking into a small smile, "you came back."

I smiled back and handed him the two cakes and the water. he took the bag with both hands and bowed, thanking me. the young couple smiled at me and we exchanged brief nods of acknowledgement before I headed back to the train station. I then overheard the young man ask the older man if he still needed more food.


at night, I told my mother about it. she asked me if I ever wondered if the elderly couple was out to con people. I paused and nodded. then I explained that I would rather be conned than to reject someone in real need. she smiled at me and said that the younger couple and I did a good thing today.


let it not be said that we Singaporeans are unkind. as ungracious as majority seem to be, there are always a few gems still sparkling to help make the day a little brighter for others out there. ^-^

so I've been running. a lot.

for a girl who used to hate running and fail her 1.6k PFT runs, doing the sundown marathon was just madness.

there's a new run coming up. the 5k zombie dash aka Race The Dead.


save yourself or have your life flags taken away by zombies.

so my running 'buddies' and I were talking about this very interesting race. I decided it wasn't a run for me.

"i will beat someone up," I related, "like turn around and go 'I KNOW MUAY THAI!! ARRRAAGAAAWWWAARRR!!!' then chase them."

my friend then said she would expect reported casualties the next day.


then we reflected on our own experiences with one another.. which included kicking a person in slumber and also hitting one another during kick boxing class.

we would be disqualified within 1 min of the race 'cos we would be running towards the zombies instead of away from them.

while it would be quite a sight to see zombies running from 3 girls screaming at them, it's our reputations at stake.



so yea. no. i'll stick to KOTR.

chugging on Starbucks soy latte... rummaging through the MCM tote bag... pulling out cards from the Ferragamo wallet...



where's the girl that used to drink kopi-si, only to run to the toilet 'cos she's lactose intolerant... while lugging around her $20 canvas tote from Bugis street?



consumerism at its best. me at my worst. sigh.


at least my clothes aren't from luxury brands with mad price tags.

my friends seem incredibly entertained by my exaggerated expressions over SNS.

then today, before I could use another Line sticker to express my feeling, my friend put one up.

then she said that she could imagine me doing exactly that.


oh well, I've always been animated. despite my attempts to tone it down, my mad friends enjoy my animated outburst.

so my dentist has embarked on a new rubber band for me. I've moved from the Manatee to the Sea Lion.

it's part of his 'plastic surgery' for me.

so he's pushing my upper jaw back and my lower jaw forward. all while straightening my teeth and closing the gaps..., "like korean plastic surgery without the knife."

he didn't mention the nausea inducing headache.

in any case, he made me take a mirror and got me to imagine the effect. at one point, he was pointing to my teeth and said, "… and you have a gummy smile-"

"I do??"

he laughed and nodded before continuing to describe the changes to my teeth, jaw, and face shape.

of which i didn't pay much attention to. because…. wait.. whaaaat?? I have a gummy smile???

from all my photos, i always thought i had a toothy smile. with the braces, I've been hiding my teeth in photos.

and now I learn that I have a gummy smile?? since when? that's what people see when I smile?

just like how people see a geek when i rattle off??


I really don't know me. T-T

so i'm finally less than 12 months away from the big three-o.

while as depressing as that may sound, I'm learning new things about myself this year.

1. people think I'm a geek
it started when a colleague was eating Japanese steam cakes. so I casually remarked that in Yakitate Japan, they teach you how to make a Japanese steam cake using a rice cooker. from there, I mentioned the crazy 144-1 layered croissant from the show too. my colleague looked at me and remarked that I was a geek.

it was the first time anyone said that to me. I insisted that I wasn't one... despite being able to retell the story of the deathly hallows ("and death greeted the youngest brother like an old friend..") and recount the battle at helms deep ("should I describe it to you or get you a box?") to the battle in front of Minas Tirith ("Death is just another path... one that we all must take.."). or even notice links between Frankeweenie and Corpse Bride.

so apparently that makes me a geek. I insisted that a true geek games. someone pointed out to me that I can remember some of the MK finisher moves. or that I even knew Soul Age. that not liking stuff like starcraft, dota or warcraft didn't mean I wasn't a geek.

my last thread of hope was that I cooked and did handicraft like sewing and scrapbooking. to which a friend replied, "Sheldon knits."

right.


2. I'm competitive
I don't need to win. I do realise that in every race, there is a loser. and so what if I'm the person who loses?

talking about Dream Team with a friend, I questioned why one of the girls picked certain male celebs to be her partner when they wouldn't be able to win the games. I then listed my ideal partners for any Dream Team challenges. simply because there is a bigger assurance of a win.

I stopped PS3 because my skills are rusty. I don't want to lose to my opponent. after all the blisters from my PS days, I cannot deal with the frustration of losing in stages. do you have any idea how red and painful my hands were after Excalibur or Crash Bandicoot?

I even deleted candy crush within 2 days 'cos I couldn't get through an early stage after 6 tries. too annoying. so yes, I'm competitive.


3. my brain is retarded
going back to AJ Jacob's books, I love the little facts that strike a chord with me. like how Newton was diagnosed with "psychotic tendencies" and literally went mad. and how he had delved into occult practices. then on social norms, it's also interesting to read on utilitarians and deontologists. I love little facts like these. and my biggest worry is that I'll forget them quickly.

then number patterns. 3*37=111. 6*37=222. 9*37=333... I saw these three equations and thought they were rather cool. and a small little voice in my head went, "too bad the combo breaks after 30*37.."

I paused and took a paper out and scribbling linearly, came up with "12*37=444. 15*37=555. 18*37=666. 21*37=777. 24*37=888. 27*37=999"... then a small "oh" slipped out as then pen continued scribbling, "30*37=1110. 33*37=1221."

just before bed, I frowned, "I'm going to forget 'deontologist' tomorrow. don't fail on me, brain. just let me remember this one tomorrow."

hours later, my alarm clock rang. I stirred in bed and slowly turned to face the ceiling and opened my eyes. then a word escaped my lips, "deontologist."

thank you, brain. now if you could do that with the bible, I'd be very very grateful as well.


4. I don't like to have my photo taken
I really really really don't like it. I don't think I'm gorgeous. I think I'm awesome. plain-looking but awesome. and I'm definitely not photogenic. I just really don't like having my picture taken.

as such, I have retarded poses and faces in my photos. just because it being in front of a camera makes me uncomfortable and I unknowingly change to someone else.. (I'm much happier behind it.) problem is, all my retarded faces make me look worse than I already do. as such, I dislike photos of me. if people ask, I try to run from it. but trust me, even if I'm somehow in front of the camera, I'm squirming inside.


now I'm wondering what new insights I'll have in the next few days and months. this year is getting more interesting.

social network sites allow for people to vent and post their thoughts. and it's the emo ones that make me wonder if these people are truly depressed and their posts are a cry for help... or simply they are self-indulgent dumbasses where their posts are a cry for attention.

different people act differently under depression.

some shy away from the world. they hide behind smiles and a bubbly personality. and at home, they suffer from panic attacks and cry until they somewhat black out from dehydration.

and the only people to know about these bouts of depression are family members, because they see them going through these spells.

medication is usually required as a cure for depression. but when the family members pretend that the person is not under going depression simply because they don't understand it, symptoms can worsen. the depressed person can start to feel like a burden to the family. they withdraw more thinking that they are not worth anyone's time or energy. they stop telling family members about the panic attacks. they smile even more brightly to the rest of the world.

and some times, just some times, people suffering from this form of depression can snap out of it. not immediately. but they can slip out of depression and go back to being normal.



and as hard as it may be, I have to keep remembering that people are different when depressed and to stop judging emo posts. and just pray that the truly medically depressed people are getting all the support and treatment that they required. sigh.