Need to get my game back on track. competition is around the corner.. so let me get this all out once and for all. if you're reading this, i'm sorry you had to see this twisted side of me. feel free to stop reading..
***
exhausted. many have said that i seem distracted. at work. at meals. at home. at trainings. even when i'm watching tv. and i do not deny it. i'm just really tired.

tired of feeling like i'm not doing enough. tired of people thinking that my mind's wandering to nonsensical stuff.. tired of crying when i pause to consider that they may be right. that i'm wasting everyone's time. just tired of... being tired. my schedule's packed. all the way up to when sch starts. and already, i need to think of what subjects i'm going to be taking. i can't take a day at a time. and it's seriously getting to me.

for those who say that i've been strangely shutting away and not being myself anymore. here goes..

sometimes, i wonder if i tire myself out intentionally. that for once, i'll stop thinking that i'm wasting space on earth.. that i'm contributing to it rather than being a burden. i see others and i wonder why i can't be like them. i wonder if they struggle like me.

am i romanticizing my life? is it the die-hard in me trying too hard for ppl to sympathize with me? i'd never do that. why?




i'm tired of feeling sorry of myself.

it hurts. to have attempted suicide before. to know that this memory can never be erased... the mere fact that my existance embarrassed me nearly to the point of no return. it's really slowly eating me up inside out. i watch all these inspirational movies and i'm left wondering, "if my life is as screwed up as those in the movie, when will it become better?"

it's been a struggle to live. been a struggle to survive. everyone gets this shit, i know. i just find it harder to cope with it, i guess.

i once said that i read my testimonials on friendster to liven up my day when i'm feeling down. but nowsdays, i wonder if my friends really meant it.. or that they felt a need to be nice. stuff like how i was "always there for" people.. the one people cld rely on.. the one with the listening ear.. abt how encouraging i am.. that i'm always ready to lend my arms out "be it a strong saving tug or a warm tight hug".

as much as i would love to find a physical being who would be all i've been to my friends esp on the hug and tug part, there's something i want even more. i want my friends to mean all that they've written. and Lord, give me the strength to continue to give my life... to continue as Your suffering servant just as only You have dried the phantom tears inside that no creation of Yours has managed to.

***
so once again, to those who say that i've changed... that i no longer open up... lemme tell u this. i have never opened up. never before. not even to God 'cos i never had to need to express myself this way to the One who knows my heart better than me. this is my first. so be honored.

i'll just keep hanging in until i get some time-out after everything's said and done. don't worry abt me. just pray for me, aites? pray that i'll be that young girl turning to Him with faith like a child.

just got back from the DB retreat. and gosh, am i aching!

we had water training on sat with the guys, then joined the SIM girls after that and again on sunday. makes me realize that i might have taken the dear guys for granted. when rowing in the girls boat, i was really straining against the water. it just felt so miserable whenever we stop rowing and the boat was obviously not moving as fast as i would have liked it to.

sunday with the girls was better. there was the surge. the after glide when all paddles were taken out of the water. still unresolved worries but i'm just going to the water and do my best. put in 200% and pray that we'll fly. and that i won't puke after the race.

so much for the training. the rest of the retreat was a blast. i found bridge kakis: adrian, ben, bert, debbie and cheryl. ben and bert were just sooo funny. the silly rafflesians. ahahahaha. ok ok, i cannot be mean to rafflesians. i was one for 6 years. and i found ktv kakis: weiling, peiling, zhui, daph and i think weiling mentioned ben as well. and weiling's planning a durian expedition already. let's go!

we talked a lot, played a lot, watched a whole load of movies (i lurve video ezy.) and basically had fun together. think the last night was the most hysterical. after dinner with the exco, gac and james, i returned. ended up fooling around with rosh and lem. fighting over the sleeping bag. i just wanted to warm my toes. and we were laughing at the divine grandmother too. must have annoyed everyone as we were watching GOAL actually. had an hour or 2 of sharing after the movie before we played twister.

the sharing was about turning pts of our life. and that was the time i made a discovery abt the team. our life experiences were different and similar at times. some were more emphathetic, having gone thru the same bull in a chapter of their own lifestory. and as diverse or as identical they were, we all had one common thread running thru that human life coursing thru our veins.

we are all fighters

we all took the same path. one of determination to see things thru and effort to make it work. whether it was making a r/s work or getting over the loss of a love one. or keeping to the beliefs that we cling to so desperately. we all took that one step to wanting to change our lives for the better. to change ourselves. and we made it work out some how. and thru that, we all became fighters.

now i beseech the team, if you are reading this.. let's keep this spirit. this one team, one spirit saki that makes us smu dragons. let's leave the competition with memories of the dragons' combined determination and effort. with memories of our combined bravery. come on, we've got bert. (bert, if you are reading this, i hope your name cards are done up.) but jokes aside, we've really all been looking forward to this day. working towards it. one common goal. to be winners. not in the eyes of the public through the display of badly electrolysized metals. but thru the eyes of any athlete...

by proving that we're the bravest.

Bintan, i miss you

bintan was luxurious. ok, i stayed at banyan tea so i was on cloud 9 for the whole trip. we stayed at the bayfront pool villa. we had just about whatever the other villas had... and a bit more...

tada! our own private pool. with a view to boot.

sure, there was no spa pavillion. that's only in the spa pool villa. we got second best with the bayfront villa. not that i'm complaining.. hee hee. we had buggies at our call. they ferried us everywhere in banyan tree (so much for wanting to exercise). i managed to swim. did the usual push-ups and crunches. the marine center was too far for me as it was in angsana. when we went to angsana for lunch, we needed a buggy to ferry us there and back.

btw, i've been spoilt rotten by bintan. private pool. private jacuzzi. gorgeous view of the sea wherever i look. 4-post bed. outdoor bath. bath salts. new aromatherapy incense every day. ppl who make my bed and turn it for me. ppl who clean the pool everyday. a buggy to bring me everywhere with a simple call. now i'm home and sick, it's a very different feeling. i want to go back to bintan after the DB comp.. hee hee. some more pictures..

pool with a view

outdoor bath

jacuzzi!

anywayz, fell sick again. viral infection with symptoms of food poisoning. felt so terrible so i decided to lift my spirits up with a walk around Holland V. after a visit to the doctor's. there's something about hv that makes me happy. just walking around. the usual dog/kitten at the pet shop was missing though.

HV was my hangout place since young. KFC after piano class.. then bits and pieces for quick retail therapy.. archie comis for a quick pick-me-up... then planet smoothie for a leapin' lizard. now these places are no longer there. but my haunts have changed as well. TCC is always a fave and breko has amazing grilled sandwich and mushroom soup. Wala wala.. the bakery near subway.. Harry's... gelare for waffles on tuesdays..

now there's eski bar but enough of my rattling.. more pictures of the place that spoilt me rotten. i wanna live like that forever and ever. ahahaha. i need to be really rich or be a tai tai. sighz. well, i'm entitled to dream right?


my dream bed since young..

waiting to disembark from the ferry..

dad, teik, yong (i lurve her pose..) and moi

teik, yong and i on our way to angsana..

yupe. that's all from me for now.. more another time. need to take my medication and go to bed before i get nagged at..

Ready! Paddles up! Awas! (get ready for a long preachy one..)

in my second year, i was nominated to be in the exco for smucf. that's why when fred asked me to start up the DB team then, i had to refuse him. too much time and effort. now i'm the smucf vp, i didn't want to join the team. sure, i spend less time and effort on it then keith and zhui in terms of the running of things.. but i knew i wldn't be able to leave if i started. and i really don't want to leave now. foresee a tight schedule when the term starts. haiz.

anywayz, just read the dboat blog. made me think. it's just really different from team acjc. i guess it's the dynamics. when you're in jc, your cca points count. now they don't. it's not even a cca now. it's an eca again.

i admit. i'm not as fit as i used to be. i can't even do a proper pull-up without assist, a far cry from the 2 i used to be able to. i can't last more than 30 men push-ups so i'm not even going to go into diamond men push-ups. and there are more distractions now.

i'm not talking abt guys in the team (though i know how many idiot friends i have who are secretly hoping i was...). but it's just... i used to just worry abt being part of the team when i was in acjc. worried that they might think i was faking my injury. worried that they might think i purposefully fell ill. just so worried 'cos those things might affect my sense of belonging to the team. that was the only thing that distracted me during training, besides the thought of my dad nagging abt me joining DB.

now, i'm worried abt work. worried abt my parents. worried abt my ministry. and on saturday, i finally rowed on the left again. hit by a wave of nostalgia, even that old injury was back with a slight vengence, as though willing me to stop. but i see ben next to me. i see rosh, py, dk and wz in front of me. how cld i stop? i managed to push that worry away. just sleeping with a lot of medicated plasters at night. but things aren't getting better now...

i really tried to focus during training today. but the stress at work got to me. gone are the days when i would go to the gym to sweat my worries away. made me wonder if i wld be able to focus while doing the bridge after circuit. thankfully we did the more dynamic burpees and crunches. static core workout allows my brain to wander a little too much nowadays. i really need to get my life back on track.

but here's something i held to very strongly since i started dragonboating when i was 17. DB is a team sport. there is no such thing as a christiano ronaldo or wayne rooney in DB. there is no such thing as a star player. there is no such thing as a steven lim or solskjaer. there is no such thing as a super sub. it's not about yourself. it's about the person next to you.

weiling, my dear. i'm glad that the past dismal attendance isn't getting to you. i'm glad that i was able to help you look at things from a diff perspective. that's what ministry has taught me. don't get hung up over those not serving alongside you. be encouraged by those striving next to you. and i am encouraged by those i see at training. 'cos they are the ones who keep me going when i'm doing my circuits and feeling giddy after the stupid jumps.. when i'm aching and breathing hard during water session, these are the ppl who push me to give my all for the not-so-final 20 power strokes. they are the ones who push me to charge at the end even though my arms just wanna drop off.

my younger sister looks at me weird when i'm rowing in my bedroom. i'm wondering why i'm doing push-ups after a vigorous training.. only to hear that crazy voice in my head scolding me for obviously not giving my all during training which allowed for leftover energy. and i'm just pushing until i've collapsed or when i know my muscle has knotted in protest.

i've mentioned this before in a previous post and i still mean every word i've mentioned. it's abt the team. whether you win or lose, it's never about yourself. the only thing that keeps me going for the training is the people whom i know will be down there with me. the only reason why i'm want to stay in singapore so badly for the competition is not to prove myself... but because i've trained too hard with these ppl to just walk away from what we're working for.

in a really old post, i said this:

...i know the feel of defeat.. it's more than the pain and tears that goes into working so hard to attain your goal although you know it doesn't affect your standing in front of your Maker at the end of it all.. it's more than the injuries incurred during training and matches.. it's even beyond the human pride that we take in the human things we do.. it's abt the team going through all that shit with you and no matter what, you know that they're sticking around next year.. it's about what everyone, not just you, has done to attain that common goal.. the motivations that surround you and pushes everyone forward. it's all that and even more but words just seem insufficient to capture everything at this moment.

at the end of the day, i really don't care whether the SMU Dragonz win or lose at the competition. i want to be able to look myself in the mirror and say that i put in 200% of my effort to row for the people in the boat with me. i want to be able to tell myself that the rest of the team did the same as well. that is what a DB winning spirit is. not one with eyes on the medal. but one with eyes on the people around you. the medal is no more than an ornament.. and perhaps a witness to your determination because of your team. but as long as we don't start fighting as a team, we're never going to win, even in our hearts.

***

final updates:

- a status update specially for jeri. it turned out to be nothing more than just a crush that i'm over now. sorry to keep your hopes up. you focus on your own love life and leave mine alone. i've got enough girls on the lookout liao..

- work is terrible. i'm so stressed out.. another long day tmr.. hopefully the rain'll stop soon enough and the distant thunder would be silent. for now, i'm very thankful to mao mao (whom now i will call happy fruit or hf -> "kuai le guo") for his very sweet and encouraging sms (though terribly cliche and cheesy) after i told him abt the rain in my work life.

"Gotta make it shine again."

life's beginning to feel more real for me now. a bit like how i was back in JC. running around tiredly from place to place. while it was tuition, physiotherapy, gym outings and training back then, it's now training, gym outings, sch meetings and the attempts to meet deadlines for my articles. i really need to send them out tmr. stupid pictures. and oh, ending the day off by slumming in front of the tv, thinking of walking 20-25 min to the 7-11 for chips when i shld really be walking <1 min to the kitchen to pop a panadol or two.

ok. tonight's not so bad. i finally took the panadol after procrastinating for 2 hours instead of the usual 3+. I really need to stop trying to find my way downstairs to the damn kitchen just 'cos i'm so lazy to take the pill when i'm in the living room. my bedroom's too far from the kitchen at night. (which really explains the almonds and walnuts in my room.) yes. i'm rambling. results of a giddy painful head.

my left foot's gone too. it's the covered-toe heels i have to wear to work everyday, i swear. when i moved my toes, my entire foot would crack in reponse. just as a knuckle would. i can feel the bone shift. on friday, i got a bit worried. after the run during training, the pain has gotten worse. i was limping home for the remaining half of my walk. and all i could think of was Gene scaring me abt banglahs jumping out from houses under renovation and lifting their sarong up. i gripped onto my paddle really tightly then. don't think i'd have my wits around to laugh very loudly while pointing as yw suggested. see what helpful friends i have...

ok, my house is a mere 10 min from the bus stop.. bobbs and i measured it the other day. it's close to 1 km. but still, i don't think i would want to leave my neighborhood behind. far too many memories (oh hear, i just cracked my foot again..)

i'm got a nice neighborhood. greenwood is nearby. i drop by swiss butchery when i'm craving cajun chicken or call the fish bistro for take-away fish and chips at $9.90. thanks to the expats, i get gelato, thai restaurant and seafood restuarant. Coq and Bull is too expensive for me. but when i start working, i'm going back there for the $20 steak and $8 sauteed mushrooms. and i want another visit to L' Estaminent for a nice stella artois and 42'inch pizza. yes. 42'inch. we bought it for take-out once and the box cldn't fit into the car. so we walked home, holding the damn 42'inch pizza. and it was worthed it all.

i have yet to try the warm chocolate cake at sebastians though i'll give the foie gras a miss.. or dine fancy at 8 on greenwood.. or eat the hainanese-styled steak and have Singapore's Coldest Beer at Wagon Wheel.. or visit the two japanese restaurants there... but at shiro, the upperity one, u would need a reservation one month in advance to try the most delectable pufferfish around. Jap Haute Cuisine at it's best, apparantly.

yea, i'm in a snotty neighborhood. but it's only become "snotty" recently. we used to be more down-to-earth. Econ Minimart was the first big thing where i wld waste money on Kenshin cards from the card machine. there used to be a smaller minimart- Wu Jiang. i would have weekly visits to buy Super Rings for 20c. then i'd spurge 90c on the gorgeous chocolate eclair in the bakery next to the doctor's and go to the park to enjoy it on the swing. now the only bakery left is Lana's and their fudge cake still leaves me weak in the knees. it was only in the past few years where Les Amis became a neighbor. their gourmet place at Watten Hill sells amazing soup and sandwiches.. though terribly pricey.

other memories of my neighborhold would be running circles around my area. Greenmead Avenue is a loop that ran twice would be slightly over 1.6 k. and my house is dreadfully on top of the slope (which pisses me off when i'm lugging the damn laptop home). the fastest time i've clocked is when i was chased by a polar bear of a dog (kids are small!). playing badminton with jane and katie.. walking home with sharon, liz, nadia and jane.. going to liz's place for lunch, a swim, a basketball game or just to watch Take That concerts. my cousin, older sister and i running to get the swing of our choice at the park even.

the neighborhood is not one place where you would want to be lost in. carol and serah once paid close to $10 to get to my place. sure, it was past midnight. but on normal days, it costs less than $4 to get my place ('cos of the silly U-turn..). i came across my first lost person in the neighborhood. it was a German man. in his thick German accent, he spoke to me.. in German. i stared dumbly at him.

"I'm sorry, i don't understand you."

then he continues, likely repeating himself... in German... slowly. i was ready to headbutt his head. i don't think speaking slowly is going to make me understand German. but then a younger guy comes running up and speaks German to him before turning to me.

"Sorry. My father."

with a smile, the two man walk away talking in German. hope the older man understood how ridiculous he was. haiz. do i look German???

and one of my first crush along the shophouses. it was this cauasian kid whom i bumped into while running along the aisle of Econ once. i saw him a couple of times after that in Econ and the park. and we always smiled at each other. but i never spoke to him.

yes jeri, i'm still doing that up to today. i'm miserable. i'm going to die without ever knowing what bgr really is about. no first kiss.. no first love.. no nothing. happy?

but nevertheless, my neighborhood. a quaint little place, almost a world on its own with restuarants, grocery and gourmet stores, pet shop, vet, art shop.. sure. it may come across as snotty and upperity. but what do you expect from a district 10 neighborhood where Les Amis is so prominent? and it's still my own neighborhood.

***
jeri just commented that my blog is a source of entertainment for him at work. that's it.. no more updates on my status. if not, how will i be able to hide the fact that i'm attached if i do ever get attached? ahahahaha

work's been busy.. which is why i haven't been updating. haven't had a chance to go back to office where there's internet connection. and my office lappie has been following me home just so i can get some work done. oh yea. and i know.. my layout hasn't changed. i'm having some probs with trying to sort out the html coding for the body text. looks too squashed for my liking.. sighz. but here goes the rest of what i really meant to blog..

*****
ok. life's a fact. people DO fall in love, people DO belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness. - Breakfast at Tiffany.

And i agree. We need to be in a relationship to experience real happiness. and i've found that real happiness already. i've fallen in love with God. I've been made right in His eyes. what greater joy is there?

the reason of relationship, i stress again, is a reflection of the perfect relationship with God. why else would ephesians 5 say, "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loves the church" and "Wives, submit to your husbands just as the church submits to Christ". why bother adding the e.g. of Christ? because it's not a mere example. it's our reason for entering into relationships. we were created in His image, to be relational creatures. we reflect his relationship with us thru relationships among ourselves.

then i ask myself and everyone else reading this.. how often do we let our "ideal partner" come before God's "ideal partner"?

- 1.83 m
- asthetically attractive
- rides a BMW bike, not a BMX bicycle
- a good cook...

when we let these take precedence, we push away what that is important to Him to worry abt what that is impt to us. then we stop thinking as though He's our Lord, putting ourselves before anyone else.. even Him. we become what we were before.. not God's people who live under His rule.

so what does this mean for me?

i throw away all my criterias. that fact that he must be a rich christian musician. instead, i take on a WWJD mentality. as Ephesians 5 says, "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loves the church".

idea that it's an all-sacrificing love for the sake of God. to break down that phrase in parts, it is finding a guy who can love me in a way that would honor God.. that would help me mature in Christ.. it's finding a guy who loves God more than he'll love me 'cos then, he'll be able to understand that I will love God more than i can bring myself to love him.

so that means the motorcycle/car issue is thrown out of the window as well. i'm just wondering how that plays out. do i find a guy who satisfies WWJD and fall in love with him? what happens when i cannot fall in love with him? gosh, i'll be hated. as the one who tramples on them. hm... it sounds attractive in an evil way. ok. plan B.

so i fall in love and keep praying that the guy fits the WWJD bill? if not, it's bye bye? wld that be putting my preference first? i think not. i'm not running around looking for a guy to meets my "worldly" preference to fall in love with. i'm just giving in to that 2 crazy organs, my heart and my brain. and my hormones. i'll leave it to my emotions without thinking of my own criteria.

plan b sounds better and easier. it's just one heart being trampled on.. it it's better for one person to suffer than for the rest. WWJD mentality. that might mean me accepting single hood until i die. why? nearly all the guys who've caught my eye are either attached or questionable christians (if they are even christians to begin with.). they are guys where ppl are questioning me, not me questioning them. if given an opportunity, i wld ignore these ppl who are concerned abt me.. so.. how? (oh, interesting point, i've realized i like the smell of guys who've just bathed. the whole shower gel and shampoo thing. like glenn. so much for the 'manly' scent)

but knowing me, everything will end up in a mess. but what to do? let's just go with the flow and take things as they come.

and thus concludes the episode of bgr w/ xiujun. insightful take into the crazy thoughts in my head during internship.
*****

anywayz, why this series of bgr posts? i think i falling... scary but true. i really think i am.

is he male? yar.. christian? i don't know. single? i don't know. and by not knowing all that, i can't figure out whether i'm going to be burnt again. i feel comfortable around him. not just conversationally. but even when we're sitting or walking together in silence. i'm never able to have comfortable, non-awkward silence with a guy that quickly. and he.. makes me feel secure. which cld be the big reason for me feeling this way. i've always gotten that sense of security from God. and he provides that physical aspect somehow. for now, let's just take each day at a time and see how it goes.

pray for me, my dear friends.. dun ask me silly questions. just pray for me. that i dun make silly mistakes. that i'll trust in Him and rely in Him in all i do. that in all my decisions, i'll please Him. that's all i need you to pray for. not that i'll get a bf.. not that i'll enter into a r/s.. but pray that i'll continue to be child of God.

I finally went back to the water after so long. it felt so good. twisting until i just wanted to slack off but still twisting just 'cos everyone in the boat was twisting as well. just wanna thank wilson and peiling for being such amazing comrades, continually encouraging me and correcting me so patiently. esp after i hit wilson a couple of times accidentally.. ahahaha. the stroke is different from what i'm used to and i shall have to get use to it by next week to perform my best at the competition.

yes, i'm back dragonboating. it was exhilarating. the sea water splashing.. wondering why the boat was not moving as quickly during the power pulls at the beginning, then feeling the boat surge during the power pulls at the end... watching the caterpillar rows turn into one single paddle stroke... hoping that ah zhui means it when he says we're doing our last 10 power rows, then pushing myself for the next 30 power rows that follow... going to bathe at the national stadium, knowing that i'll be aching the next day (and true enough, my shoulders, trunk and butt are aching..).

and the meal after that.. taking the bus down to suntec as usual as we go to the food court for dinner. then two of the guys ordered seconds. i smiled inwardly. so typical of after-training where the men turn into hungry savagers. we later bought durians and went to the sky garden to enjoy it by a fountain while listening to dexter tell us stupid ghost stories in the likes of...

Mary was going home and bought her mee-sua soup take-away for lunch. Her boyfriend then came to pick her up on his bike. now, to get to Mary's place, they needed to pass an old temple. so as usual, her boyfriend rode towards the direction of the temple. just before he could ride past the temple completely, he looked into the temple. then he suddenly looked at Mary, his eyes widening and face growing redder with each second. finally he shouted out.







"Don't put your mee-sua soup on my thigh, can?????"

yes, dex was full of anti-climatic jokes. but it was good durian company. in the end, we play mystery number to eat the remaining durians. 7 boxes. 4 girls and 1 guy. siao bor?

when i was asked whether i was going to join the team as a full-time rower yday, i gave the same answer. i would row for the next two competitions in June and July and think abt it. but honestly, i don't think i would be able to leave unless forced to. i miss that feeling of knowing that you have to pull your own damn weight in the boat. that feeling that even when you just feel like lifting the paddle out of the water to enjoy the breeze as the boat glides just because you're damn tired, but you just keep on pulling 'cos everyone around you is doing so. you are relying not on your own strength. it's not abt you. it's abt the person next to you. it's abt the people around you. it's intense. it's worth the aches. now i remember why i didn't want to enter.

'cos i wldn't want to leave.

haiz. well, i've come so far. let's just keep going. =)

******
other mundane updates:

getting ready for later nights at my internship. at least the timing is not nuts. (sher, i feel so terrible for you...). found a cute t-shirt webbie. still thinking of which one to buy. i've cut down to 3 tops. "dark side of the garden", "Simon says" and "cookie loves milk". Check it out! fantastically cute tees. the link is also in the side bar.


i'm also working on a new blog layout. a simple one.. and oh!

anyone wanna go taiwan? before sch starts

i want to travel before the term begins and taiwan is looking very attractive. the idea of going to theme parks in the morning and night markets in the evening. hot springs even! anyone up for it?

this week has just been.. amazing.

on monday, i met the gymmers for a photo session in the gym. they then surprised me with a quick birthday party despite interrupting my racing game with the birthday song. then on thursday, my dept had a small celebration for the may babies. and since jenny had gotten my birth date on the first day of my work, i was called up as well. the cheesecake was good stuff.

thursday after work, i went back to sch for bible study before we all headed to zx's place for the retreat. ate so much during the retreat. after the tree top walk on friday morning, we went to thompson plaza for lunch and bought so much ice cream. i lurve that stuff. ahahaha. the retreat was tiring, more tiring than the rest. and yea... will need to get smth for zx's family soon. as a token of appreciation. can't believe i forgot.

during the retreat, the previous exco(+partners) joined us on the last night. it was also another bday surprise. i kinda suspected it already but hey, i really appreciated the gesture and the thought of it. the CFers never fail to amuse me. last year's surprise was good. i really thought it was a belated party for ansen! but this year... ahahaha.. fun nevertheless. we played cranium, ate bertie botts beans (i got pepper!) and sang ktv 'til the girls were deadbeat. didn't get to watch vegetales though.. haiz.

on sat, i had lunch with my family at Mad Jacks. the grilled fish was a lot! it wasn't fantastic but it wasn't terrible either. just.. normal. but the company made up for it. then after dinner, i met with steph, deb, jt, sher and dennis at alleybar. they tried to get me drunk. so after i had downed more than half of my alley bliss (stella artois, cranberry and soda), they bought me 3 shots of Mexican which tasted like alcoholic fruit punch and one flaming lamborgini.

10 min after my last drink, i was hit my giddiness.. with my throat and liver screaming at me. then the night ended with one tequila shot. i could still walk normally and was honestly impressed by my threshold. no puking! and i woke up without a hangover! whoot!

however, being one year older isn't all worth celebrating. i'm still getting nagged abt my non-existent love life. not that i'm complaining abt the non-existent state.. i'm contented with it... just as i'll be contented if i get attached. que sara sara; whatever will be, will be.

***
i'm finally going to get off my bum and learn driving. why the sudden interest? Mommsy might be buying the Mercedes B200. ok, i know people have heard me say that i don't like Mercedes. i don't like the usual sedans they carry. they are bulky and squarish. gimme me my audi any day. or a chaffeur and a jaguar or rolls royces.. or that white cadilac that i've been eyeing at the motor shop... but yes. the Mercedes B200 is actually gorgeous.
i have a weakness for SUVs. this one, in saturn red, is the one that's on Mom's mind. and i can see why. if i finally get my license and since my older sister's new job requires her to travel a lot, i may be entitled to car usage more on the weekends! *dreaming*

Ci'en's wedding was a blast. left with aching feet and no voice but it was amazing. 'cept when my dear CFers decided to call on me during the bouquet throwing session. it whacked steph (i lurve you dear! *muackz*). still, the teases didn't stop. i had threats to have the next bouquet connected to me by strings or velcroed to me.

all in good fun. plus i gotta see friends who i had not met for really long. Hon, Des, Vic, Kelly, Sau, Serene, Bok, Fred... and managed to steal some time to sit and talk to ben. it was nice.. but then our conversation got me thinking...

I don't want to grow old alone.

i know i won't be alone. i have my family. i have my friends. even if i lose all these, i have God. but.. there was this fear that struck me. I was wary of growing old without that inkling of what it meant to be in a relationship or even to go on a date. i am ok with dying single. i'm just fearful of what it may bring. loneliness when i see my friends with that special someone? i don't know.

God's sufficient, isn't He? perhaps i'm asking for too much. i'm just looking for that physical intimacy and assurance of someone loving me as much i love him. all part of being human, part of being someone who wants to experience what it means to be in a relationship of husband and wife, just as Christ is our groom and us His undeserving bride. am i right to say that? there has to be some reason why when i was highly stressed, i would dream of a nameless and faceless person holding my hand, where all i knew of him was that i loved him and he loved me.

Is it part of a girl's psyche to crave that physical assurance of intimacy even with knowledge of love so strong by a formless being that is part of her life? or is it just me? i have God, don't i? but it seems hard to understand the relationship between a groom and a bride until you're one of them. just as you'll never fully understand the relationship between a parent and child unless you're one of them.

perhaps it's just me. that little voice telling me to cave and to start "looking"... but right now, as much as that little voice is getting louder as i grow older, i'm also getting more stubborn. i'm not going to go looking. i'm going to keep praying that i'll rely on Him and follow whatever He has planned for me.

*******
my dear family is nutters. i lost my voice yesterday. it ached to speak and there was no sound at all. yet my dad scolded me for not picking up the phone when it was ringing. i stare at him in shock. with no voice, i could not explain to him. then my even sillier brother refused to explain it to him until he got the usual death glare. then in the afternoon, my younger sister called my mobile. i gestured my younger brother to answer for me and he gave me a "what-for" look. *smacks forehead*

and our once-in-a-while wine sessions are now once or twice a month. plus we don't just sip wine anymore. we have camembert and crackers. yday, we decided to try out something new. bought a cheddar bar from the freezer section and from the cheese counter, we selected wickham brie and camembert. we've got loads of red and white wine at home and a bottle of martini. yet pops got his fave south african late harvest (during cheese shopping) despite the fact that i was pointing at the bailey's. i lurve how the warmth spreads across my body slowly and how the sweetness makes me smile.

my voice had somwhat returned when the bottle was opened. wine, cheese and crackers after dinner. i prefer the President Camembert to that from the counter. the cheddar bar was just too cheesy for my liking. i was tempted to use the philly cream spread. but with that combo, i'd start craving for smoked salmon roses. the brie is still unwrapped. likely to be there for two more weeks or earlier if pops becomes fussy and goes out to buy his South African wine again.

that's my nutty momentarily posh family for you.

*******
i had my second surprise bday party today. the first was organized by the dear CFers last year. this time round, it was the gym staff. we had just finished our photo shoot in the gym (many thanks to alvin) and went to the recre room for a while. the chocolate ice cream cake was amazing. i just wish that they didn't spring the surprise while i was in the middle of a race with you yuan. silly part was i nearly started singing along with them 'cos i really had no idea who the cake was for!

i appreciate their kind gesture even though the chocolate ice cream cake is likely to finish off my already dying throat. i can't possibly touch the royce chocolate they bought for me yet. plus internship starts tmr! let's see how it goes. got 4 different types of tea awaiting me.. "ba bao" (8 treasure) tea, ling yang, gingseng and chrysetheman tea and yin chiao. the throat has got to get better..

i'm insanely attracted to nice hair. not just any nice hair. but that belonging to guys. when i say "insanely attracted", i mean i'll find it hard to take my eyes off the hair. how it moves and bounces gently... how it falls softly to the side when the guy tilts his head... and part of my mind is screaming at how my hair does not do all that. drat.

during supper, i was just staring at wk's hair after one of the guys mentioned that he was eating from the side. he had to tilt his head or he'd eat his hair with the maggi goreng. his hair just falls so nicely. i don't really like it when a guy has nicer hair than me. and in wk's case, even worse. he's got a fantastic fair complexion (yes, i see the daggers asking me if my "honeyed" complexion isn't good enough already..) and pretty eyes! my hair's soft enough but the ends stick out like crazy 'cos i have no time and an extra pair of hands from the back to flatten it with a dryer. WK!! i want your hair!

A dear friend has proven himself to be an amazing brother. during the few times where we hung out really late together, he'd sms me on my way home to make sure that i'm awake in the cab. just now after the supper forementioned in this blog (yes, it's 4.55 am as i type this), he told the two other guys to follow mich home and he took the liberty of sending me home. we shared a cab even though it's not exactly convenient for him.

and he's not even Christian! I'm not saying that non-christians are not nice to that extent.. more of.. i'm wondering why my dear Christian brothers don't seem as caring as that.. sighz... sure, they do send me home once in a while. but this friend has been so consistent in showing that he cares. he's sweet enough to rival JT in terms of caring for me whenever we hang out late into the night.

and oh, i've found the place to be when i'm feeling down and seriously in need of eye candy and retail therapy. New Urban Male at Heeren Shops. i went there just now to get a friend's birthday present. the guys were terribly obliging, patient and sweet. one of them tended to me and whenever i had my eyes on a t-shirt, he and two others would look for the correct size for me. even when i take a tee off the rack just to look and hang it back on without a word, the 3 guys would find similar designs with similar colors to show me.

i ended up not choosing anything from the guys' section for the tees were just too... suggestive. i didn't want my guyfriend's gf getting upset with the tee (just in case). but the 3 guys were just so sweet and attentive to my needs. and they were really easy on the eyes as well! i caved and bought a T-shirt for myself. $40 gone 'cos of good service and asthetically appealing people.. yes. i'm a terribly visual person.

all in all, my hols have been abt fun and tiring late nights.. smth i'll have to say goodbye to when my internship starts next week. wondering if i wanna do ICC during summer after all. if i don't. i have 8 subs left for my final year. that's 4 subs each sem. light enough, i think.. plus i'll save $600 from summer study though i'll end up spending when i continue my late night chilling out over food and drinks. how how? i guess no ICC for me?

with each "spring love" season, i can't help but feel a little like this at times...

photo courtesy of Bitter Stickgirl
it's a natural human inclination that girls have.. to want that special someone to hold your hand when you're walking down new paths... to want that special someone to hug you when you're hurting.. to want that someone who will wipe your tears and tell you that everything's gonna be alright even when you know that person is lying... i'm not gonna vocalize what guys want. i'm not too sure myself.

but it's a mere human desire that i snap out of after a while. because i have been "reserved" for someone who's love i truly do not deserve. and all i can do is to love Him back with my entire life.

He's more than a laughter or the stars in the heavens
He's close as a heartbeat, a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see HimS
omeday He'll call her and she will come running
Fall in His arms and the tears will fall down
And she'll pray
I want to fall in love with you
- Love Song for a Savior, Jars of Clay

and there's no other way i can show Him i love Him but through my life. Through my daily living. Through how i worship with each waking moment and sleeping breath.

when the music fades, all is stripped away
and i simply come
longing just to bring something that's of worth
that will bless Your heart

the flowers, roses, little love notes that lovers do so often exchange. whatever for? as a symbol of their love? but all these things will fade to nothingness one day. they are physical manifestation of heartspeech, or so i would like to believe. which is why gift-giving is still so prominent. it spells out what the heart says because humans are unable to look into each other's heart. but He's different. He sees.

i'll bring You more than a song for a song in itself
is not what You have required
You search much deeper within thru the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

And I'm glad He looks at more than just the surface actions that i do. all my ministry work, all the quiet time, all the praying.. He doesn't just look at the actions. He looks at the reasons for my actions... the reasons for why i worship Him so.

i'm coming back to the heart of worship
and it's all about You, all about You, Jesus
i'm sorry Lord for the things i've made
and it's all about You, all about You, Jesus

when lovers exchange gifts, they're not saying I love you. they are saying I love you. the emphasis of their message is different. but i worship not because i want Him to realize that i'm special. i worship because i realize that i'm special to Him. He's the reason why i worship Him. He's at the heart of what i do.

King of endless worth, no one could express
how much You deserve
Though i'm weak and poor, all i have is Yours
every single breath
i'll bring You more than a song for a song in itself
is not what You have required
You search much deeper within thru the way things appear
You're looking into my heart
i'm coming back to the heart of worship
and it's all about You, all about You, Jesus
i'm sorry Lord for the things i've made
and it's all about You, all about You, Jesus

Watched an interesting show recently. "Someone like you". How come i don't recall it coming out in the theatres in 2001? but yes, "Someone Like You". starring ashley judd and hugh jackman. Jane (Judd) is suddenly thrown back into the cruel world after she gets dumped.. and she ends up homeless after which and moves in with Eddy (Hugh), her colleague.

still bitter, she creates a fake character and publishes her cow theory article in her friend's magazine because she's so desperate to find reason in her screwed up relationship. the cow theory? when a bull gets bored with a cow, he moves to another cow. so effectively, in a farm of 40 female cows and one bull, that one bull can mate with all the cows. the problem? when the bull is done with a cow, he never looks back. he never touches that cow again. but enough on the cow theory. back to the movie.

they eventually end up together as all other romantic feel-good flicks.. his character is soooo adorable! yes, i'm in love with all the characters he does.. My fave bit of the movie?

Eddy: Ray's not going to be the last man you'll ever love.
Eddy wakes and realizes their hands are clasped together. his lips carass her fingers. then he leans in towards Jane and takes a deep breath. sensing that she's waking up, he closes his eyes. when she wakes up, her facial expression is priceless. the shock and horror all in one. she tries to scramble away. but his hand is gripping hers. when jane finally stumbles out of bed, she sits breathless in the chair. He "wakes" slowly and looks at her. she stutters and he breaks the silence first.
Eddy: you're not going to rationalize this one, Jane

a nice feel-good movie to end the night after "Little Black Book" starring Brittany Murphey. both are slaps of life. in the first movie, hugh jackman is real. ok. seriously now. the first movie: happy endings do exist.. in the second movie, not every happy ending has to do with finding the guy of your life.

and I've declared that Hollywood has only three handsome guys. sure, i gush abt damien lewis until the cows come home. i think colin firth is dead attractive in a funny kind of way. but there are only three man whom i will connect the word "handsome" with. attractive ain't hitting the mark yet. three only.

1. Hugh Jackman
he exploded into hollywood with his role as Wolverine. girls wanted to be jean gray just 'cos he was so hopelessly in love with her in the movie. then you see him all cleaned up for kate and leopold. that was when i sat up and noticed him. my fave scene was when he and meg ryan slow danced on the roof.. i want a guy who does that.. no wait. i want hugh jackman to do that with me. ahahaha.. and in "someone like you", you can't help but be hopelessly drawn to his devil-may-care attitude. you know that old english charm which i adore, he has it. He's my fitzwilliam darcy with those intense dark brown eyes and fabulous grin.

i admit, i watched Van Helsing for him. now i'm eagerly awaiting Wolverine which is due out in the theatres next year. let's just content with X-men 3 for now. that "bad boy" character is winning ppl over. even after that gyrating scene when he danced with sarah jessica parker during the tony awards. He dances and sings. whoot! i cldn't find a video of that one where he danced with sarah jessica parker when doing a number from "boy from oz". but i got him at the start of the tony's.



2. Johnny Depp
Mr John Christopher Depp. he gets away looking all scruffy. This guy looks fantastic even when animated in "corpse bride". the first movie i watched of him was Edward Scissorshand. i don't remember the ending now. but i remember crying my eyes out. "Once Upon a Time in Mexico" was hilarious, how he never died even after his eyes were gouged out. a good actor by my books. he's believable as the quirky eccentric Capt Jack Sparrow and Willy Wonka and still grips hearts with roles like Roux in "Chocolat" and Sir James Matthew Barrie in "Finding Neverland"

his soft smile and that intense stare in his eyes. eyes play a large part for me. all the three guys, Hugh, Johnny and the one below, all have intense eyes. i was dazzled when i saw the hugh poster for "Finding Neverland" in Japan, where he was just looking back at me. sighz. if there's anything i don't like abt him would be his voice. i like that low baritone. his is well.. not that. which brings me to mr sexy voice.

3. Keanu Reaves.
i know this is one guy ppl are likely to disagree with. but he's got that pan-asian look going for it. damnit, that guy is going to turn 42 this year but he still looks fantastic. and he has a fantastic sexy voice! he's got the entire matrix trilogy under his belt (i never watched Matrix Revolutions though.). sure, he definitely isn't the best actor around. he looks like he has the same facial expression. but anyone remember Bill and Ted. His "duh" look as Ted was hilarious. did i mention he's got a sexy voice?

my first memory of him was in Paula Abdul's music video "Rush Rush". he doesn't looked like he's aged. he's still one of hollywood's hottest man around with that sexy voice of his. when he exposed his stomach in constantine after Lucifer literally cleaned the tar out of his lungs, my younger sister exclaimed, "He's got abs!" and very nice ones too. not body-building scary. lean nice. and he's got a sexy voice! watch this and discover for yourself.