Been listening to my older CDs lately when I hit my Japanese songs. a familiar soothing voice started to take over my playlist and I remembered why I loved all the vocal training that I used to go through as a kid. all the voice projection and enunciation and how my choir teacher used to tell me that the voice is an incredible instrument for me to manipulate.. where I could choose to sing the way I spoke, or be operatically vocal... or even lend a Southern drawl to it.. all depending on the songs that we were singing.
simply because we were practising for a musical which was different from our usual performances.
when I was listening to my favorite Japanese male vocal, her words came back to me. Ken Hirai speaks so differently from the way he sings and it's simply beautiful.
strangely (or maybe not strangely) enough, I don't miss vocal training. I remember those days fondly but I'll never put myself through all that again.
dance has that same effect. different styles of dance command different expressions of engaging the audience. waltz... hip hop... latin... been there, done it.. and they are all different. how i'm reminded to smile, seduce, or smirk depending on the style.
and I miss dance. oh goodness, I miss dance so much.
let's hope the check-up on 5 March will be the final one and I can return to the studio or gym to go back and wage war on the dance floor and sandbag again. *fingers crossed*
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Friday, February 14, 2014
Monday, February 10, 2014
After yet another visit to the granny's at the hospital, the mother and I were heading home as usual.
We were talking and laughing about random things like the family in the car when she suddenly said, "You have a very high threshold for pain."
It was just as random as the other things we were talking about but I didn't know how to continue. She continued on about how I never like to tell people when I am hurting or in pain. that I keep it all to myself. I insisted that I would tell them if I were in pain and I knew they could help it. if not, it didn't make sense to mention that I'm in pain anyway.
then she went to to say that even if people weren't in the position to take away the pain, I should tell them that I'm hurting.
"Because that way, we can at least be there with you."
at that point, I kinda figured she was talking about more than just physical pain. there was just a certain tone in her voice that make me look out of the window and not look at her for a brief second. it was like memories of a childhood that I never bothered to suppress but also never bothered sharing with any of my family. I cleared my throat.
"That's not true. I used to roll around on the sofa and complain about period pains."
"Do they still hurt as much?"
"Not anymore. Things do get better with time."
This time, my mother slipped into silence. We sat there for a few seconds not saying anything until I started laughing about my sisters and the funny things that happened in the last week between us. It was almost as though we never had the earlier conversation.
honestly, I don't really need to tell anyone if they can't help me. that's just the way it's been. I do rant about minor superficial stuff but there are things that are better left unspoken and resolved by myself. still, I guess knowing that my mom is somehow aware of all this happening makes me a little glad. I can only pray that she'll also be glad that her little girl has grown up to be a lot stronger.
We were talking and laughing about random things like the family in the car when she suddenly said, "You have a very high threshold for pain."
It was just as random as the other things we were talking about but I didn't know how to continue. She continued on about how I never like to tell people when I am hurting or in pain. that I keep it all to myself. I insisted that I would tell them if I were in pain and I knew they could help it. if not, it didn't make sense to mention that I'm in pain anyway.
then she went to to say that even if people weren't in the position to take away the pain, I should tell them that I'm hurting.
"Because that way, we can at least be there with you."
at that point, I kinda figured she was talking about more than just physical pain. there was just a certain tone in her voice that make me look out of the window and not look at her for a brief second. it was like memories of a childhood that I never bothered to suppress but also never bothered sharing with any of my family. I cleared my throat.
"That's not true. I used to roll around on the sofa and complain about period pains."
"Do they still hurt as much?"
"Not anymore. Things do get better with time."
This time, my mother slipped into silence. We sat there for a few seconds not saying anything until I started laughing about my sisters and the funny things that happened in the last week between us. It was almost as though we never had the earlier conversation.
honestly, I don't really need to tell anyone if they can't help me. that's just the way it's been. I do rant about minor superficial stuff but there are things that are better left unspoken and resolved by myself. still, I guess knowing that my mom is somehow aware of all this happening makes me a little glad. I can only pray that she'll also be glad that her little girl has grown up to be a lot stronger.
Monday, February 03, 2014
Sunday, February 02, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
When I was in JC, I had an eccentric Physics tutor. She was also my lecturer which led to little embarrassing moments for us during lecture. The one I remembered the most was when she launched into a inspiration talk on life in the middle of a lecture. I'll never forget the content of her words.
"If you think your life is sad, go and walk through a hospital. Sit under a tree and think about life. You'll realize how fortunate you are."
That day in the lecture after she had said those words, she continued with, "Right, SA5? I always tell you guys that, do you remember?"
All of us immediately slid down our chairs, as if willing the ground to suck us in as we moved down lower and lower in our chairs.
Today, her words rang true.
My granny took a fall and was sent to the A&E. I rushed over during lunch to spend it with her. We were waiting for the CT scan as well as for a bed (massive bed crunch problem in all hospitals) so when I was with her, I was standing by her trolley bed in the A&E ward. At one point, a bed was pushed near my granny. The lady on the bed had a hole in her throat and even that did little to help her pain. She was wheezing and choking at intervals, her face scrunched up in pain even with her eyes closed.
I kept talking to my granny to distract her, moving her face slightly in pretense so that I could cover her ears. My eyes unknowingly wandered around the large ward.
There were so many beds. So many sad looking people with pain and hurt evident on their faces, eyes closed to will the pain away. All the while, my granny asked me why her anaesthesia wasn't working as well as it used to.
I knew it was a bone problem. Of course the pain would be unbearable.
I let my granny hold onto my hand tightly as I coaxed her to just pay attention to my voice and to just keep breathing to take her mind off the pain. I asked her random questions, trying to draw her attention away from everything else but me.
But even then, I couldn't help letting my attention drift to the rest in the room.
Many of the people, majority elderly folks, were alone. They had no one to take the pain away from them. They had no one to hold their hands or for them to hold onto. They were alone, hurting in their beds.
I had to close my eyes for a second in the ward, willing myself not to cry because I didn't want my granny to see me cry. The nurses in the ward were all busy and running around. I couldn't even find it in myself to ask them for another shot of mild anaesthesia because at least my granny had me. I felt like the nurses needed to tend to the others. I don't think I've ever felt so conflicted in a hospital setting, wanting the best for my granny but also wishing that a little more attention would be shown to those alone.
When I left my granny, I had to go to the toilet for a while to compose myself. Too many thoughts, too many voices. Ranging from "how could their kids leave them like this" to "if I don't ever marry and grow old alone, is that my fate as well".
The fear is real but at the same time, it felt so insignificant as compared to those already in the situation. I felt so drained just by being the room. I've never been good with coping in such situations. I don't know.
I feel so lost. so helpless. so unable to step up and help these people. and all I can do is pray. pray that they are heard. pray that I can make sense of this incredibly cruel world that's filled with pain. that when all things seem bleak and hopeless, I keep remembering who He is and that I'll never fully understand how the world works. still, it doesn't stop me from asking Him why these things happen, why people hurt. I know the theology behind all of it but I'm still asking why as I feel my breath being physically taken away from me while my chest literally aches for these people.
May I never stop asking why and may I never stop feeling for these people. May I keep questioning while I keep trusting. I don't know how it's all going to work out but for now, I'll just have to keep praying, no matter how helpless and hopeless it seems. I've just got to keep trusting Him even in times it feels silly to. He's got a plan. I don't understand and I don't always agree with it but He's got a plan.
If He can fulfil His promise of sending His Son to die in our place, the righteousness for the unrighteous... if He can raise His Son from the dead to overcome death... even if He waited for a really long time and watched His people flounder in life and fail each time and are persecuted or violated... He's been faithful. He's kept the promises that He made to His people since before the time of the reign of Ramses in Egypt.
What more the promises that He has made to us?
~*~
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” - Rev 21:1-4
~*~
He has been faithful and He will continue to be faithful, whether I understand His plan or not. He is faithful. Help me to continue to trust and to respond to everything that hurts with the right kind of love.
"If you think your life is sad, go and walk through a hospital. Sit under a tree and think about life. You'll realize how fortunate you are."
That day in the lecture after she had said those words, she continued with, "Right, SA5? I always tell you guys that, do you remember?"
All of us immediately slid down our chairs, as if willing the ground to suck us in as we moved down lower and lower in our chairs.
Today, her words rang true.
My granny took a fall and was sent to the A&E. I rushed over during lunch to spend it with her. We were waiting for the CT scan as well as for a bed (massive bed crunch problem in all hospitals) so when I was with her, I was standing by her trolley bed in the A&E ward. At one point, a bed was pushed near my granny. The lady on the bed had a hole in her throat and even that did little to help her pain. She was wheezing and choking at intervals, her face scrunched up in pain even with her eyes closed.
I kept talking to my granny to distract her, moving her face slightly in pretense so that I could cover her ears. My eyes unknowingly wandered around the large ward.
There were so many beds. So many sad looking people with pain and hurt evident on their faces, eyes closed to will the pain away. All the while, my granny asked me why her anaesthesia wasn't working as well as it used to.
I knew it was a bone problem. Of course the pain would be unbearable.
I let my granny hold onto my hand tightly as I coaxed her to just pay attention to my voice and to just keep breathing to take her mind off the pain. I asked her random questions, trying to draw her attention away from everything else but me.
But even then, I couldn't help letting my attention drift to the rest in the room.
Many of the people, majority elderly folks, were alone. They had no one to take the pain away from them. They had no one to hold their hands or for them to hold onto. They were alone, hurting in their beds.
I had to close my eyes for a second in the ward, willing myself not to cry because I didn't want my granny to see me cry. The nurses in the ward were all busy and running around. I couldn't even find it in myself to ask them for another shot of mild anaesthesia because at least my granny had me. I felt like the nurses needed to tend to the others. I don't think I've ever felt so conflicted in a hospital setting, wanting the best for my granny but also wishing that a little more attention would be shown to those alone.
When I left my granny, I had to go to the toilet for a while to compose myself. Too many thoughts, too many voices. Ranging from "how could their kids leave them like this" to "if I don't ever marry and grow old alone, is that my fate as well".
The fear is real but at the same time, it felt so insignificant as compared to those already in the situation. I felt so drained just by being the room. I've never been good with coping in such situations. I don't know.
I feel so lost. so helpless. so unable to step up and help these people. and all I can do is pray. pray that they are heard. pray that I can make sense of this incredibly cruel world that's filled with pain. that when all things seem bleak and hopeless, I keep remembering who He is and that I'll never fully understand how the world works. still, it doesn't stop me from asking Him why these things happen, why people hurt. I know the theology behind all of it but I'm still asking why as I feel my breath being physically taken away from me while my chest literally aches for these people.
May I never stop asking why and may I never stop feeling for these people. May I keep questioning while I keep trusting. I don't know how it's all going to work out but for now, I'll just have to keep praying, no matter how helpless and hopeless it seems. I've just got to keep trusting Him even in times it feels silly to. He's got a plan. I don't understand and I don't always agree with it but He's got a plan.
If He can fulfil His promise of sending His Son to die in our place, the righteousness for the unrighteous... if He can raise His Son from the dead to overcome death... even if He waited for a really long time and watched His people flounder in life and fail each time and are persecuted or violated... He's been faithful. He's kept the promises that He made to His people since before the time of the reign of Ramses in Egypt.
What more the promises that He has made to us?
~*~
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” - Rev 21:1-4
~*~
He has been faithful and He will continue to be faithful, whether I understand His plan or not. He is faithful. Help me to continue to trust and to respond to everything that hurts with the right kind of love.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
I'm typically not a morning person...
scratch that. I'm not a morning person. people get to me too easily, especially when I have very very low tolerance for horrid selfish behavior and no tolerance for stupidity.
and this lady really just pissed me off today.
at work, for us to access the floors with offices, we are required to scan our staff passes in the lift at a panel just below the floor buttons. these floor buttons and scanning panel, as most lifts, are situated at the area near the door.
usually when people wait for the lift, there's an unspoken FIFO ("first-in-first-out") rule. meaning if you're at the lift lobby first, you get first dibs to ensure a spot in the lift.
and this little bitch squeezed past everyone to stand right in front of the lift door, conveniently ignoring the rest of us waiting. fine. there weren't many of us (5 of us this morning) so we were all going to fit in the lift anyway.
the lift door opened and she practically marched in, in a manner that if anyone were near her, they would have been shoved by her shoulders and swinging arms. then she scanned the panel with her staff card and proceeded to block the lift buttons from everyone else. there is another panel of lift buttons for the wheelchair-enabled persons at the side of the lift so the rest of us could press our floor buttons.
now, the staff pass scanning panel has a time limit as a security measure. so if you don't meet the time frame after the first person scans his or her card, you simply scan your pass again and then proceed to press your floor button. a guy missed it and when he reached out with his staff pass, this little bitch refused to move from her spot where there was probably just a 10cm gap between her body and the panel. the guy had to carefully manoeuvre his hand so as to not touch her.
then when the door stopped on one of the floors, this bitch had her fingers placed ON the "door close" button, short of pressing it, even before the door could open.
Hi, what the hell is wrong with you?
I was glaring holes in her skull from the back by then. I knew that the cleaning aunty in the lift was getting off on my floor as well so when it hit my floor, the cleaning aunty pressed the "door open" button for me. I stepped out of the lift and immediately pressed my hand against the side of the lift door, holding it open for the cleaning aunty. she thanked me with a smile.
little bitch stared at me with wide eyes for holding the lift door open manually because that always overrides the button system. I stared straight back at her. in that split second, she wavered and looked away.
little bitch, don't mess with me. really. especially not in the morning. just don't bother.
scratch that. I'm not a morning person. people get to me too easily, especially when I have very very low tolerance for horrid selfish behavior and no tolerance for stupidity.
and this lady really just pissed me off today.
at work, for us to access the floors with offices, we are required to scan our staff passes in the lift at a panel just below the floor buttons. these floor buttons and scanning panel, as most lifts, are situated at the area near the door.
usually when people wait for the lift, there's an unspoken FIFO ("first-in-first-out") rule. meaning if you're at the lift lobby first, you get first dibs to ensure a spot in the lift.
and this little bitch squeezed past everyone to stand right in front of the lift door, conveniently ignoring the rest of us waiting. fine. there weren't many of us (5 of us this morning) so we were all going to fit in the lift anyway.
the lift door opened and she practically marched in, in a manner that if anyone were near her, they would have been shoved by her shoulders and swinging arms. then she scanned the panel with her staff card and proceeded to block the lift buttons from everyone else. there is another panel of lift buttons for the wheelchair-enabled persons at the side of the lift so the rest of us could press our floor buttons.
now, the staff pass scanning panel has a time limit as a security measure. so if you don't meet the time frame after the first person scans his or her card, you simply scan your pass again and then proceed to press your floor button. a guy missed it and when he reached out with his staff pass, this little bitch refused to move from her spot where there was probably just a 10cm gap between her body and the panel. the guy had to carefully manoeuvre his hand so as to not touch her.
then when the door stopped on one of the floors, this bitch had her fingers placed ON the "door close" button, short of pressing it, even before the door could open.
Hi, what the hell is wrong with you?
I was glaring holes in her skull from the back by then. I knew that the cleaning aunty in the lift was getting off on my floor as well so when it hit my floor, the cleaning aunty pressed the "door open" button for me. I stepped out of the lift and immediately pressed my hand against the side of the lift door, holding it open for the cleaning aunty. she thanked me with a smile.
little bitch stared at me with wide eyes for holding the lift door open manually because that always overrides the button system. I stared straight back at her. in that split second, she wavered and looked away.
little bitch, don't mess with me. really. especially not in the morning. just don't bother.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
so a friend is going to Seoul and trying to avoid it when it's cold. and for some reason, I was reminded of my Jeju trip where we brilliantly decided to go BBQ at our pension.
This was March 2013. Jeju was probably 2-5 degrees that night. not counting the wind chill.
and I was standing out in the cold night, in my T-shirt and jeans, with my friend, also just in his T-shirt and jeans. just because of pork belly, pork shoulder, and beef bulgogi.
The wind was biting and the warmth of the BBQ was barely enough. at one point, we were eating right off the grill to gain warmth from the cooked food. By the time we were done and I had returned to the room, my fingers were experiencing borderline frostbite and my teeth were chattering. Thank god for heated floors because I just laid down and let my body slowly warm up before we started dinner.
Now when I look back, it's probably my favorite memory of the whole trip. Because Jeju was just hilarious, with our large bottle of Somaek in the backseat while I wailed out fake Korean along with the songs from my mp3 player, keeping the driver awake.
Then this happened a few weeks ago on EXO Showtime.
the boys were at Sokcho, also a beach resort.
I died laughing. I really couldn't stop because I totally felt for them. Imagine dealing with the harsh biting cold just for pork belly, only to see it fly off the grill. the wind was so strong that the metal grill flew off, tipping the aluminium foil with it. I had to pause the stupid show and finish laughing because it was too ridiculous.
I really need to rethink about this whole BBQing thing in Sokcho in Sept/Oct. but seriously, that desolation and hopelessness in Kim Jongdae's face was just so priceless. Thankfully, the meat fell onto the ground, still on the aluminium foil and away from the soil. So the two boys picked it up and ate it anyway. I would have too.... I think. depending on how desperate I'd be for samgyupsal, I guess.
I can't wait. I really can't wait for Korea this year. :)
This was March 2013. Jeju was probably 2-5 degrees that night. not counting the wind chill.
and I was standing out in the cold night, in my T-shirt and jeans, with my friend, also just in his T-shirt and jeans. just because of pork belly, pork shoulder, and beef bulgogi.
The wind was biting and the warmth of the BBQ was barely enough. at one point, we were eating right off the grill to gain warmth from the cooked food. By the time we were done and I had returned to the room, my fingers were experiencing borderline frostbite and my teeth were chattering. Thank god for heated floors because I just laid down and let my body slowly warm up before we started dinner.
Now when I look back, it's probably my favorite memory of the whole trip. Because Jeju was just hilarious, with our large bottle of Somaek in the backseat while I wailed out fake Korean along with the songs from my mp3 player, keeping the driver awake.
Then this happened a few weeks ago on EXO Showtime.
the boys were at Sokcho, also a beach resort.
I died laughing. I really couldn't stop because I totally felt for them. Imagine dealing with the harsh biting cold just for pork belly, only to see it fly off the grill. the wind was so strong that the metal grill flew off, tipping the aluminium foil with it. I had to pause the stupid show and finish laughing because it was too ridiculous.
I really need to rethink about this whole BBQing thing in Sokcho in Sept/Oct. but seriously, that desolation and hopelessness in Kim Jongdae's face was just so priceless. Thankfully, the meat fell onto the ground, still on the aluminium foil and away from the soil. So the two boys picked it up and ate it anyway. I would have too.... I think. depending on how desperate I'd be for samgyupsal, I guess.
I can't wait. I really can't wait for Korea this year. :)
Monday, January 06, 2014
I had the joy of looking back on the years to review my life with a dear friend on Saturday night over beer.
with everything, I am reminded that God is good.
even when my crushes didn't work out. even when I never fell in love with people who were interested with me. even if my previous relationship didn't go the way I had hoped it would.
I'm reminded that He's truly in control. that even when I don't understand why things happen, I see Him revealing himself in little ways that make me smile and feel ever so thankful for.
all of the guys from above are happy where they are now. I think. I hope. hahahaha. all of them are now in relationship. i think. to the best of my knowledge... and I couldn't be happier for them. to see them move in, even with children in their lives...
life is good. God has been incredibly good to me and I'm thankful for it all. :))
with everything, I am reminded that God is good.
even when my crushes didn't work out. even when I never fell in love with people who were interested with me. even if my previous relationship didn't go the way I had hoped it would.
I'm reminded that He's truly in control. that even when I don't understand why things happen, I see Him revealing himself in little ways that make me smile and feel ever so thankful for.
all of the guys from above are happy where they are now. I think. I hope. hahahaha. all of them are now in relationship. i think. to the best of my knowledge... and I couldn't be happier for them. to see them move in, even with children in their lives...
life is good. God has been incredibly good to me and I'm thankful for it all. :))
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