a confusing night of dealing with confused people..

leading to an exhausting ranting session with E.

she said she doesn't know where I get my patience from.


from dealing with petty requests or incoherent complaints to getting wet while making sure a stranger is dry under my umbrella... I'm like a cartoon bomb.

just waiting to self-destruct.

I almost naturally put up with shit. at times, I reflect on relations gone bad and wonder if it soured because I never worked hard enough during the period when it was still good. but I'll remember times I forgave too easily. times when I get stood up even though I've waited for hours. times where I put aside my emotions and consider the other person.

why does my brain shut out all my selfish moments and keep only my stupid moments?

I'm not perfect. there must have been moments when I put myself ahead of others and make stupid demands. there must have been times when I stood up people who have waited for me for hours. where I take people for granted and turn to them without trying to resolve matters myself. where I expect people to give way to me and I don't wish to treat them well. times when I don't hold the door open for a parent struggling with a pram or don't give up a seat to the needy. times when I don't feel guilty about raising my voice. there must have been such times right?


maybe that's my selfish ego-centric side that puts myself up on a pedestal and shuts my eyes and memory. and because of that, I'm now blind to how awful and selfish I am as a person.


what does this mean about me?


it means I still don't fully grasp the concept of love. I understand parts of it. and I try earnestly to be gentler. but I don't know love the way Jesus does.


"but he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

that is love. where while he disassociated himself with evil and all that is poisonous, he still die for us to set us free from it. he kept away from the corrupt, only speaking to them to rebuke and correct. he asked his disciples to "shake the sand from (their) sandals" when they leave a house of unbelief to signify a relationship broken.

yet even with the broken relationship, he still loves and prays for them. all of them.


I don't fully know love. I'll just have to keep working at it. as long as I have time on earth, I'll keep figuring it out, even if it is self-destructive for now. keep me in your prayers.