back from ABR. it was a good time of learning, fellowshipping, a lot of laughing and eating as well... as tiring as each day was, it seemed that everyone shared the same sentiment of staying up late just to get to know one another better.. be it through taboo, bridge, embarrassing stories, suppers or trying to survive burps of durians (for only the last night, thankfully!!). the whole camp was a really good reminder to continue to put our faith and confidence in the word of God. i do not doubt that there were ppl who took offend at some of the things learnt. it really forced them to go back to the bible to read it for how it is to be read. ultimately understanding that there is only one interpretation of the bible but many applications.

plus they were challenged.. which is good, really. challenged by the fact that God speaks to us through the bible and nowhere else... not dreams or visions. All Scripture is God-breathed. the word is sufficient. why are we pushing it away to look for more when we already have God's word? i guess they took time to digest it. hope they think more abt it.. reflect on it. which is good.. remembering that we have to be teachable as a church if we want to build the church up. it's not just the members that have to be humble to learn or even relearn things.. even the leaders need to do that.. to be able to drop burdens to pick up what God's saying to us, not what we want God to say to us.

nevertheless, the camp was good stuff.. now FOC to look to.. to welcome the freshmen and newcomers to cf.. hee hee..

oh, found jellytots! good stuff.. good stuff.. ahahahaha but the packaging has changed.

old

i remember the familiar yellow packaging and the orange grinning face.. the sweetness of jelly tots always made me smile and the tiny sugary fruit gum would turn a depressing day around. well, it's no longer what it was..

new

well, what counts is that it's still the same jelly tots that i like!

Lord, grant that i shall never seek

so much to be consoled as to console

to be understood, as to understand

or to be loved, as to love with all my heart

- Eugene Roe "Band of Brothers"

I think Band of Brothers (BoB) did what few war movies managed to do.. the portrayal of emotional and mental scarring of everyone. it failed to romanticize heroic acts... failed to spin a love story for that hollywood style.. it was a poem of its own kind. it just reminds ppl that after these people go home, they cannot and will never be what they were before war. the portrayal of Buck broke my heart.. and Malarkey's mood after losing 5 of his best friends.. reminds me of a quote by Eric Bana's character in Black Hawk Down, remarking on the ppl who ask him why he's such a "war junkie"...

"I don't say anything... they'll never understand that it's about the person beside you."

the whole battle at Bastogne. 143 down to 65 ppl at the end of if. Eugene Roe's POV, Lipton's POV.. the bombing of the hospital.. the mortars and shelling of the frontline foxholes.. watching ppl watch their own friends/comrades being blown up in front of them. How can you go back to living life the same?

one thing that struck me was the leadership. I was in awe of the various leaders in E company, not counting LT Dike of course. watching Buck, Lipton, Raddleman... Speirs, Nixon.. Winters. the way they conducted themselves. the way they stood for their men and pushed each one. and you wonder why E company kept escaping from the hospital to fight with each other instead of taking that well-needed rest. The leaders motivate.. they built the team. Winters has been with them since the beginning and he never left them. that one dramatic scene where Speirs ran across the German soldiers and tanks in Foy to reach I Company to help E company... then running past the enemies in full view again to get back to his own ppl. how can you not admire ppl like them?

i cried. during part 6:Bastogne and 7:the breaking point. cried so hard. ok, i'm a crier at movies, i admit. i hate watching sad shows with guys esp.. 'cept passion of the christ. some of the guys were sobbing more than me. but i don't feel comfortable knowing that they might turn to see me cry. but honestly, i cried throughout part 6 esp. everytime i saw the faces of the men who try to help their dying comrades, i'm sobbing like nuts.

anywayz, saw the advertisement for One, a call out to ppl to sign a declaration to fight poverty, starvation and aids. why One? check out the website for the various reasons. i like one the best. "1% of the american budget will transform the future of the a generation in africa". i'm sure ppl are slamming this ad though.. the celebs trying to get "publicity" and airtime.. looking good. but look this way, it's a trade off. the movement gets awareness too. you think the livestrong would have been so successful if celebs weren't parading the yellow silicon band like a bloody fashion accessory? i say leave the celebs alone and stop slamming them unless you help out as much or even more than them. even if their motivation is wrong, who are we, as fallen ppl likely to be guilty of similar offences, to judge them? let's leave the judging to the Almighty.

ABR starts tmr.. can't wait. no lappy.. just friends and total devotion to understanding more about God. pray for my friends and me.. that we will make full use of our time together to share lives and continue encouraging each other to wait for the Kingdom of God, in hope of Christ's second return!

Give me a moment to be that closet feminine shopaholic:

Found absolutely adorable off shoulder tops that i've been looking for... from victoria's secret! the link is only to the "tops" site. wondering if the desperate housewives wardrobe manager shops there. looks like smth eva's character wears all the time.. like that coral ring back blouse on the first page. *droolz* i want! need to shop shop shop.. i want to stock up on plain colored tanks.. shop!! gosh. i'm going to go broke with the overseas shopping. ahahaha. ok. back to the books.

Little Prince (II)

one thing that struck me when i read the book was the simple anguish the little prince felt when he realizes that his rose is seemingly not the only one in the universe after he sees a garden of roses. he then meets the fox who teaches him the idea of taming. and after the little prince tames the fox, they have a bond and that makes the fox unique to him even though there are loads of foxes in the world. he then goes back to the garden and tells the roses that his rose is still unique because she is his to count for, that they have a bond which the other roses do not have with their own master.

simple understanding, isn't it? take it in human context. how uniquely special people are to us is no more than a creation on our part. and it's an amazing creation to have that bond. that idea of "taming" can be used on families, lovers and friends.. the idea that that one person is unique from everyone else because of that bond you share with him/her. and another aspect of taming that Antoine brought up was the emotions that followed. when the fox left the prince, they were both sad. the rose, though proud, cried when the little prince left her. the little prince was upset that he had to leave his rose behind. i don't doubt that there are "good" emotions involved in this taming as well. it's just for us to decide whether the "bad" emotions are worthed it as well. i mean, you'll never understand joy if you don't understand hurt. how do you know love if you don't know hate?

we can choose to be emotionless shells that pass each other everyday on the streets. but we were created to be relational beings. that's why for lovers, despite the many other "fish in the sea", their own lovers are uniquely special to them. it goes for families and friends too. i can go further into analyzing the regrets of "taming" but honestly, does it matter? it differs from person to person and it wld just make my post far too long. i can go on and on abt the little prince. but let's leave it here for now. wait 'til i next read the book again.

ok. updates on my mundane life.
- looking forward to the ABR. then the foc. in the camp committee again. enjoyable though stressful. seriously hoping that we will be able to reach out to the christians and non-christians alike for the camp to "tame" each other and fellowship so we can continue encouraging each other, preparing each other for the return of our Messiah.
- internship ends 15th july. hope the hk trip works out finally too. and the bangkok one too. hope i have money left for tioman or smth.
-i got my pendant!! the emerald's big and i wish i had eyes for it to compliment. feel like a tai tai!!
-cannot find jellytots. i miss them.
-updates at my story blog. stog? ahahaha.. sounds funny. check it out here. a little tribute to my dearest sa5ivers. names have been changed to protect the identities..

Little Prince (I)

i've lost count of the number of times i've read little prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. and the book still makes me sit and reflect. i'm going to be 21 already, damn it. it's too old. i know i know.. "you're only as old as you think you are". damn cliches. as if society will accept a 21 yr old trying to live like a 12 yr old. sure, i can go against society. then i'll get shit like "act your own age" or "you're older so you need to grow up". contradictory, isn't it? why do i care what society thinks? 'cos it's me. 'cos it's human nature whether we like it or not. and how we act impacts society when they look at our beliefs and what-not (read Titus 2:1-10).

the world is made of hypocritical critics. think abt it. imperfect beings criticizing the imperfect world. the imperfect world criticizing the imperfect beings. c'mon, we're all part of that fallen state of man. i'm not saying the world is bad. God's creation is good, isn't it? but we create that state of imperfection through our own actions, me included. anyway, i digress.

i don't want to grow up to be that lady on the street, working up her way on the corporate ladder and being sadden by my working life. was talking to mom. she remarked that when she retires, she might go into farming. not that she specially enjoys farming. she just wants to do smth different. i wanted to ask her the pt of doing smth different just for the sake of not doing the same thing. it didn't make sense. shldn't she then go sew clothes? she once said she wanted to be a seamstress 'cos she knew she wld enjoy it. i guess when adults get so desperate to do smth diff, they do the first thing that comes along. take a kid for e.g. if a child is tired of working, he/she does smth he/she enjoys (in my case it's writing or recently online shopping). they don't even consider sleeping unless it's smth they enjoy.

adulthood is scary. i will assume responsibility when the time arises. i will try to be as godly as i can through my living. but who says that those attributes can only acheived through adulthood? i beg to differ. reading the little prince... seeing how the king, geographer, banker and lamp post lighter did what they did just 'cos of "matters of consequences"... *shudder* if that's what being an adult is, i don't wanna be one.

i'm just afraid. afraid of turning into one of those adults who do things for the sake of doing it rather than because they want to. and i might be headed down this path if i don't continually reflect on my reason in being in acctancy. if you think that sounds selfish.. if you think that's ungodly, you're wrong there. i don't try live a godly life (ok, i'm not perfect, k?) just because all my christian friends are doing it. i'm not doing it for the sake of just doing it. i'm doing it 'cos i want to.. 'cos i have the good news of God. i'm not immortalizing myself through this post, pls don't miss the pt i'm trying to make here.. i don't wanna give ppl the "holier than thou" shit. it's just me, aites? i'm really just saying that i want to do things because i have a valid reason to make me want to do it. following the crowd is not a tossing valid reason. my valid reason is God's grace. 'nuff said.

a quick update on things... in case some of u don't already know, friendster's started a blog thing as well. came to know abt it thru bryan and theresia (who started a blog through there btw). i'm not going to be nuts and have another blog. i'm very happy here with the flexibility of blogskins and the side bar. added new links under friends for debz and theresia and jason mraz. yesh, u read right. jason mraz. no, he's not my friend. so i'm changing the title to "other blogs" or smth.. haven't really thought abt it. but by the time u've read this, it would have changed. so yar.

anywayz, more photos up too.. specially for the scenic shots i've take at tioman, shenton, botanic gardens and smu. will put more shots of smu up after the exams. and oh, i've got a newfound love for mp3 players with 5gb or more space to boot. so it ranges from the iPod mini super model with 6gb or Creative micro zen with either 5 or 6 gb of space. wld love to bring my music everywhere with me and not be bogged down by wgt.

on a final note. latest news just came in. Pope John Paul II has passed away. 9.37pm, Vatican City time. and the world mourns for him. In the words of Paul, our apostle, "To live is christ, to die is gain." haiz.

i really shld be studying.. but i was clearing some old mail when i came across one with a link to alwyn's photo gallery. honestly. being a "scenary" type person, i was drawn to his NY gallery. it looks so much like harajuku and shinjuku at night. i wish i had more time at shinjuku that night. we were running from place to place so i didn't have time to capture the neon lights. had many weird angles. personally don't fancy the pictures i took. and harajuku was given a miss 'cos i only got to see it on the moving bus. i adore taking pictures of scenary but with a simple 4 megapixel digi cam, 3x zoom, 4x digital zoom. useless.. i wld have preferred it the other way round but my camera was on offer. first up, i want my creative zen or ipod mini.. gb of spaces.. i want i want i want.. but back to scenary first, i think the best i've captured were the shots at tioman. i know they're not online. lemme get down to it after the exams. but the sight was breath-taking.

nevertheless, i was looking through his gallery and came across the "acjc-defeat". the rugby finals we lost. i'm not an amazing fan of rugby, i prefer soccer really. and i'm more scenic shots than ppl shots but i decided to check it out either way.

the pictures killed me. they may just mere 2D pictures but words cannot describe the emotions that they reflected in each face. the feeling so raw and real to me. it reminded me of the rugby matches i watched. each win was almost effortless.. especially the last one i went to. we trashed rjc as compared to the previous one where we depended on the 2 penalty kicks from steedon. yesh, i still remember how we performed. i realized it's so easy for me to still say "we" when referring to acjc although i'm no longer enrolled in that sch. but.. oh well. i guess i didn't expect a barrage of emotions coming onto me as i looked at the forlorn faces... the tears.. the hopelessness and even helplessness. it was like looking at the various teams that i've watched losing matches/games in my alma mater... in the regatta... in the pasta sukan... against the sajc soccer team. i don't recognize a face at all in the pictures taken. but i knew i was looking at my fellow acsians, a fellow sch mater even as of now when i'm in smu, mourn the loss of the coverted rugby championship trophy.

sure, consolations were going around without a doubt. every one of us, past, present and future all want that trophy back. we want that title. it's just a title, i know. it doesn't matter when we leave the face of this world. but it's one of the few things that binds even enemies in ac. if u want a picture perfect shot of the sch spirit, go down way early during the rugby finals from the time the council goes to set up the place.. and stay until the end whether we win or lose. sure, there will be those who don't care abt it. but once you get caught up in the current of cheers and emotions so present in the worldly pride we take in our ruggers, it just overwhelms you. the choking feel is even present now as i write this although the match was last year.

being in sports, i know the feel of defeat.. it's very real to me.. it's more than the pain and tears that goes into working so hard to attain your goal although you know it doesn't affect your standing in front of your Maker at the end of it all.. it's more than the injuries incurred during training and matches.. it's even beyond the human pride that we take in the human things we do.. it's also about the people that support you.. it's abt the team going through all that shit with you and no matter what, you know that they're sticking around next year.. it's about what everyone, not just you, has done to attain that common goal.. the motivations that surround you and pushes everyone forward. it's all that and even more but words just seem insufficient to capture everything at this moment.

recently, alwyn wrote on his own blog with regards to portrait shots, "That's all. I'm not really concerned about the camera or the color (since it is black and white). I am more interested in the final picture, as with the capture of emotion. That would be very nice indeed." i have to admit it, i agree that it's easy to take scenic shots. they don't have emotions that can be captured, smth not even easy with the normal camera. you can take a shot of someone off guard too but you might not be able to capture the emotion correctly too. it's really not easy. but i think he might have forgotten about that one picture he had taken during the match. it looks like the picture was slightly exposed, causing the black bar across the top. but it's my favorite of all the pictures... like one of those you flip your large photo albums and will always stop at to allow your fingers to linger on for a while, to allow that flood of memories to take control for a few fleeting seconds, then turning the page again, with the flotsam of thoughts just floating around.

you're getting there, dude.. slowly but surely.

i'm trying my darnest to be nice and loving. and ya know what, i have just a few things i need to clear up and get out of my system. bear with me..

1. Yes, i do wear skirts. i just don't wear them on days where i'm likely to meet many cf-ers. i cannot take so many shocked looks in a day. therefore, i will think twice abt wearing skirts for cf. horror memories of wc, debz and jeri kicking up a big fuss last sem still haunt me.

2. Yes, vic. i agree with u on the fact that i look better in short hair. you reading this, michele eNg huifang? i'm going to neaten it up after the exams. i.e. shorter hair. go with me, k?

3. yes, ansen, i do wear spag straps. no, it's not earth-shattering news.

4. and no, i'm not dressing up again just so u can see me dressed up just 'cos u missed me on tues. why wld i take pictures of me?? nutters

5. yes, i do use make-up. i have a presentation. presentation equates to presentable, esp when i'm playing a talkshow host

6. no, i highly doubt that me wearing skirts more will mean i will finally find a bf. give it a rest, ppl.

7. heels do hurt, especially when u try running in those with thin straps. i'm not wonder woman. My calf cramped in protest on wed morning just from thinking abt walking in high heels for the 2nd day in a row

it's times like these where i just shake my head and sigh to myself. sun-tanning was a flop today. ended up sitting at club islander and studying for abt an hr 'cos it started to rain. bora bora was too crowded for my liking. i don't care. i'm going swimming tmr. missed my run on monday and wed. will feel crummy if i don't get my butt moving soon enough.

this is a little smth from Vie (publication by smusa) a while back... by a writer called Gem. an interesting and entertaining read. enjoy!

****
i must admit, i am a victim of mistreatment. my boyfriend treates me like dirt under this shoes. he casually forgets our appointments; he picks fights over little things; he sms-es as most once a day and acts as if it costs him a pint of blood and a leg; he declares a take-it or leave-it ultimatum to any of my requests.

and sending back the feminist movement back by a century, i swallow and take it.

my friends tell me to drop the no-good sleazebag and get a better guy. "but i don't want anyone else," i whine, "i just want him to treat me better."

"you want him to worship the ground you walk on," natalie corrects me. she tosses her long re-bonded hair over her shoulders. "it's just our basic right as women."

slim, pretty, and most of all, a complete manipulator when it comes to relationships, natalie declares that by the time i complete her maneuvers, the boyfriend wld be eating out of my hand. wide-eyed, i listen attentively as the master began her lessons.

1. thou shall keep him waiting
whenever the boyfriend messages me, i never fail to reply within 5 mins. the nice girl in me didn't want to keep him waiting for a reply. "don't be too eager to respond to him," natalie says sternly, "if you take an hour to reply, he will be left wondering what you were busy with. it shows that you have other entertainment apart from him. it shows that maybe you aren't waiting around for him."

she asks me who puts down the phone first in a conversation. i say it's always him. i always want to talk to him and any amount of tiredness i feel disappears when i hear his voice. she is horrifed. "girl, you have to put the phone down first! mentally, it puts you in control and stirs up longing for you. do it and i guarantee he will go to bed thinking of you."

2.thou shall not get mad
whenever i get angry with him, my first instinct is to yell at him and fling accusations. during times when i feel neglected, i accuse him of losing interest. he, however, instead of arguing back, becomes very quiet. he says he is disappointed and hurt that i would think this way. it completely puts me on a defensive. instead of being angry with him, now i am the one trying to explain myself. "aha!" natalie proclaims. "excellent! see what he does? he's turning the tables on you. while you are the one looking like some drooling, bulging-eyed psycho screaming at him for smth he obviously has done wrong, he waits until you accuse him of smth, then quietly sniffs that he is wounded."

"males are born with an instinct to protect; it satisfies their egos. while nagging will just irk them, going all misty-eyed and sounding like your heart was breaking into a thousand pieces will arouse the fierce protectiveness in them. it won't hurt either if you can baby talk. so remember the best time you want your man to change a certain behavior, don't get mad. don't get even. just let your voice tremble and sound like he stabbed you thru the heart."

3.thou shall blow hot and cold
"now this move is the ultimate killer. do it properly and you will have him begging," her eyes shining from excitement as she shared her secret. "one wk, be very nice to him, establish a routine where you call and message at certain times a day. he will probably feel very smug and secure as you shower him with a lot of attention. he will get used to the routine of you contacting him at fixed periods of time and come to expect it. the second wk, stop it! it will throw him off balance. he will be glancing at his cell phone, pregnant with expectation, but nothing comes! we are creatures of habit. this will definitely confuse him. have you lost interest? have you found someone else? it keeps him guessing. it makes him want you more."

but i don't want to play mind games, i whine. "do you want him to worship you or not?" she demands, eyes blazing. i shrink back and nod mutely.

so on that very day, he messaged me at 2.17 pm. i tried to count an hour. i really did. i crossed my ankles and my fingers flutter nervously over the buttons. i force myself to count the numbers of pimples on my face, after what seemed like an eternity, i look at the screen again.

2.27 pm. 50 more min to go before i reply. my eyes roll heavenwards and i count aloud to a hundred. it does not seem like it was going to be an hour anytime soon.

finally, i cldn't take it. my fingers dance over the buttons and i hit the "send" button. 15 mins this time. at least it's an improvement over my usual 5 min. well, it was quite torturous. but then he replies. my eyes widen. he said he misses me.

i am in glee. look what 15 min did to provoke such an unusually sweet sms. now imagine if it were 90 min..

just some random thoughts that hit me today.. btw, today's qingming or tomb sweeping festival (roughly translated). a quick bg, this tradition was passed down so that people will remember to honor their ancestors. which brings up the idea of ancestral worship. right.

but it's rarely this case nowadays. i realized that this tradition is now a lot to do with face value. everyone was glancing at each other's offerings in silent comparison, as if trying to justify the type of food they bring. which is ultimately the same vegetarian food. yet, i felt like telling everyone that they are going to still burn in hell. no amt of fancy vegetarian food was going to save them. but bear with me, i'm not saying that christians are perfect beings. we're still fallen. there will be those who put on airs so they seem like "better christians". i'm just... haiz..

and these people try to outdo each other.. be it in their dressing (there were those who dressed as though they were going for a nice dinner).. or the way they prayed. some went on their knees. many left their fates in the hands of dead people. on the day christians celebrate the resurrection of our Lord, the fact that we worship a living God. i watched on as people threw coins and prayed for guidance. i wanted to pick them up and shake them. it's really obvious that people just throw the coins until they get the answers that they want to hear. it's very sad, if you realize. why are they turning away from the resurrected Messiah, the ultimate answer to every thing in the world? i'm thankful that my God is not abt probability.

and when i wanted to leave to go home and study, i got a scolding. it looked as though the time spent in the temple wld determine how gd you are. my pt wasn't abt the time spent in the temple but the time i spend on my work. tosser. what happened to sincerity? it's not measured by time but by your motives.there is no corelation to whether you kneel or not either. if you have fulfilled what you came to do, it's enough. no one compares timing. face value, i swear.

on a slightly lighter note, i had a dream abt a friend.. i was super stressed (btw, i am still super stressed. just a note here before lunch..) and this friend is just there for me, whispering words of comfort. honestly, it made me feel really nice. when my alarm woke me up, i only wanted to return to the dream. then when i remember who i was dreaming abt, i woke with a rude shock. wondering if it falls under nightmare here. i don't like this friend in a romantic sense, definitely.. i'm still for him. and i'll wait until he comes back.

i'll go over the mountain and over the sea

to find the heart that belongs to me

anywhere in the world i'll go

anywhere 'til i find you

went to the doctor again. change of medication. more pills than the last. i'm going to cry.. machiam like druggie like that. then walked to parco for some unsuccessful window shopping.. bought a pendent.. very bad i know.. ahahaha.. but what struck me was the number of couples i saw. not that it's smth out of the blue.. but i just started noticing them more today... esp after i saw one in a supposed argument earlier on.

have you ever loved someone

but you waited just too long

to tell them how you're feeling

made me think abt myself. jx says i've too long a list. rah says i've got weird taste. eng thinks my expectations are too high. ya know what? i had all that. but no more. sure sure... i do have my expectations of my ideal guy.. but what if Mr. Ideal Guy walks right up to me? what next? then i realized smth while on the bus (i seriously think too much when i'm alone..) the type of guy i'm looking for is one i will (not "can") love and loves me back.

what can i do to make you mine?

fallen so hard, so fast this time

what did i say, what did you do?

how did i fall in love with you?

and honestly, i think that goes for everyone without saying. so that wld mean that i might even end up with a christian guy who does not fulfil my "secular" expectations. yesh. i'm stressed.. i'm thinking of weird stuff.. ahahah. but my thoughts went back to the time i was at the airport alone at night, picking mommy up. since i was early, i walked to the viewing gallery, my ears plugged into my mp3 player. i can even remember the song that was playing at that time. Keith Urban's "I wanna be your everything"

i wanna be that wind that fills your sail

be that hand that lifts your veil

be that moon that moves your tide

the sun coming up in your eyes

i'll be the wheel that never rust

and be the spark that lights you up

all that you've been dreaming of and more

i wanna be your everything

Then i saw a couple. and their kid. they just looked so happy. there was really no one else save them and me in the viewing gallery. it was then i got hit by a bout of loneliness and depression for that few minutes, looking at them. had to averted my eyes to the plane that was taking off and all that was in my mind was the song and the laughter from the kid. i really think i think too much. i think my song quotes speak for it.. ahaha

Is it ok if i call you mine

just for a time

and i would be just fine

if i know that you know that i'm

wanting, needing your love

i know i'm quoting from songs all over the place.. but yar.. just that as i write this, these songs come to mind as few of the ultimate sweet "love-less" songs. and rah really thinks i need a guy. but i'm ok without one. i don't mind one but just 'cos i'm single, it doesn't mean that life doesn't go on still. heez

look for the girl with a broken smile

ask her if she wants to stay a while

and she will be loved

oh ho ho ho ho. i'm screwed. got a presentation on monday. fin. and my throat's about to give up on me. especially after my attempts at "yi du gong du" (fighting poison with poison).. samy's curry. and i didn't eat spicy curry at all.. only yellow rice, tandoori chicken, a small piece of chicken tikki and curry cabbage which is not spicy. felt so sad.. watching fred, dave and cy scoff down their mutton curry.. and the way fred waved the chicken masala away! come back, i say, come back! what a time to go samy's.

and i've been trying everything to smooth that voice box.. hot honey.. hot honey tea.. honey lemon.. pi pa gao.. strepsils.. clorets (doesn't make sense i know).. robitussin honey cough drop.. fisherman's friend.. now got bitter herbal tea. and as if to spite me, my throat convince my body to increase its temperature and my nose to drip. stupid stupid. plus my fin, corp reporting and mpw reports are due next week. what a time to fall sick! so sian.. *sniff sniff cough*

so many of my friends are going overseas on my bday.. ppl ppl.. jialat.. mich lee, wc and amy got their summer study. dave's got internship. debz, gwen, edwin, jing ting and i think sher too, all have work and travel. to have or not to have a party? and i've got enough of acjc/smu parties that don't work out. haiz.

and oh.. revelation. i've been coping without an emotional outlet.. relatively happier too. strange right? nope. it's not strange. i've come to terms that i don't need an emotional outlet. i used to need one as i put confidence in me to set my life straight. not anymore.. now that i've learnt to put all and i mean all my confidence in God. a friend once quoted phi 4:13 for me.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

words of consolation? sure. but wrong. you don't just pull one verse out of the bible to suit your situation. read 4:12 and it tells you:

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

you can be content in whatever situation you have! Christ does not give you strength to finish your work in an hour.. Christ does not give you the strength to create wealth in times of poverty. What He gives is the strength to go through each day.. to be content with what we have to use it to our best. that's the strength Christ gives. i mean, if we were to think that Christ gives us strength to do anything, none of the apostles would have been behind bars, wld they? no. instead, they were content and used every opportunity to still glorify him.

The crowd joined in the attack against Paul and Silas, and the magistrates ordered them to be stripped and beaten. After they had been severely flogged, they were thrown into prison, and the jailer was commanded to guard them carefully. Upon receiving such orders, he put them in the inner cell and fastened their feet in the stocks.

About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them. Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everybody's chains came loose. The jailer woke up, and when he saw the prison doors open, he drew his sword and was about to kill himself because he thought the prisoners had escaped. But Paul shouted, "Don't harm yourself! We are all here!" The jailer called for lights, rushed in and fell trembling before Paul and Silas. He then brought them out and asked, "Sirs, what must I do to be saved?"

They replied, "Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved-you and your household." Then they spoke the word of the Lord to him and to all the others in his house. At that hour of the night the jailer took them and washed their wounds; then immediately he and all his family were baptized. The jailer brought them into his house and set a meal before them; he was filled with joy because he had come to believe in God-he and his whole family.

Acts 16: 22-34

now how's that for words of consolation!! =] btw, anyone's got all 11 books of the utterly dreadful lemony snicket's series of unfortunate events? (side bar is updated again!)