thanks, or no thanks, to my stupid crush on Spencer Reid (can't remember the last time I was so damn attracted to a fictional character..), I've been brushing up on my reading.

including attempting to finish A.J. Jacob's "The Know-It-All: One Man's Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World" while pouring through "Taming of the Shrew".

when you're reading plays for leisure purposes, it will do you well to read narrative prose as well. plays can drive you ever so mad, including making you read out your words in a strange English accent. but I digress.

so A.J. read the entire Britannica Encyclopedia. and his book talks about how his thoughts or incidents that occur during this period of drowning his brain. chapters follow the alphabets, which would mean that Q, X, Y and Z are probably shorter chapters. I think. I haven't gotten there yet. I only finished N last night.

did you know that Napoleon love ice skating?


and in a strange little geek moment, my brain did its stupid free-form thinking again. so Napoleon loved ice skating. Jon Heder played Napoleon Dynamite in 2004. 3 years later, Jon Heder played a ice skater in Blades of Glory.

I stuck my bookmark in the book immediately and tweeted this stupid fact. then I paused, stared at the time, put the book away, and switched off the lights.



reading past 12 midnight really makes me think of stupid things more.

in all the nastiness in the world of douchebags and asses, I keep thinking of the starfish story where a man's small act of kindness made a difference not to the whole sea, but at least to the one starfish he restored.

and this morning, a gentleman showed me how a simple act of kindness can completely transform my entire morning.


...although he made me feel awkwardly shy... *crawl into a hole and hide*


in the daily struggle with my thoughts and rollercoaster of emotions, I thank God. for being that one consistent thing in my life and reminding me that in this ugly world, there is just that little bit of kindness... that there is still a little bit of a silver lining in the darkness. and that little light is all I need to remember to keep on.

a confusing night of dealing with confused people..

leading to an exhausting ranting session with E.

she said she doesn't know where I get my patience from.


from dealing with petty requests or incoherent complaints to getting wet while making sure a stranger is dry under my umbrella... I'm like a cartoon bomb.

just waiting to self-destruct.

I almost naturally put up with shit. at times, I reflect on relations gone bad and wonder if it soured because I never worked hard enough during the period when it was still good. but I'll remember times I forgave too easily. times when I get stood up even though I've waited for hours. times where I put aside my emotions and consider the other person.

why does my brain shut out all my selfish moments and keep only my stupid moments?

I'm not perfect. there must have been moments when I put myself ahead of others and make stupid demands. there must have been times when I stood up people who have waited for me for hours. where I take people for granted and turn to them without trying to resolve matters myself. where I expect people to give way to me and I don't wish to treat them well. times when I don't hold the door open for a parent struggling with a pram or don't give up a seat to the needy. times when I don't feel guilty about raising my voice. there must have been such times right?


maybe that's my selfish ego-centric side that puts myself up on a pedestal and shuts my eyes and memory. and because of that, I'm now blind to how awful and selfish I am as a person.


what does this mean about me?


it means I still don't fully grasp the concept of love. I understand parts of it. and I try earnestly to be gentler. but I don't know love the way Jesus does.


"but he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

that is love. where while he disassociated himself with evil and all that is poisonous, he still die for us to set us free from it. he kept away from the corrupt, only speaking to them to rebuke and correct. he asked his disciples to "shake the sand from (their) sandals" when they leave a house of unbelief to signify a relationship broken.

yet even with the broken relationship, he still loves and prays for them. all of them.


I don't fully know love. I'll just have to keep working at it. as long as I have time on earth, I'll keep figuring it out, even if it is self-destructive for now. keep me in your prayers.

In a societal pond where the paper chase is endless and degrees, masters and phds are somewhat revered, there's a ripple on the surface.

we are now told that you can't eat a paper. that it's what you do about your situation that defines you are in life. that regardless of the education you have received, you can achieve things. you can be a better person.

and I believe that. I see the man sweeping the street with his head bowed in shame. yet when I give him a small smile as I pass by, his face lights up with a smile in return. that versus the numb faces of the  'highly educated' people in the office building lift, all buried in the brain-washing glow of their smartphones.. nary a smile or a small nod to say good morning.

there is a ripple.

people coming out to share success stories of how they beat the odds and came out from the runt that they were shoved into. people of authority telling us to acknowledge the talents in what society views as "less educated".


then I talk to people 'on the inside' and they don't buy it. their unchanging perceptions remain that these people are less educated because they are not equipped to cope with education and as such, are condemned to a lifetime of being unable to comprehend simple english or logic thinking.


and I'm reminded... it's only a ripple. it disturbs the surface. it spreads for a while. then it disappears, as though it's never been there. that's all a ripple does.

society needs more than just a ripple. sigh.

Come back when you hear this song
Wherever you are, whoever you’re with
I’m sorry, so come back
I’m regretting, so come back
Come back when you hear this song
Wherever you are, whoever you’re with


oh my dear boys, I never left. even though you made me wait for 2 years, I never really left. even more so when your first comeback stage is on such an amazing day.

absolutely trippin' with excitement. whee~

so talking about the strange otp (own-team-pairing) that crazy hallyu fans put their favorite singers in...

the jonghyun-taemin ship came up. I don't know how this otp came about but I guess it's got to do with the fact that they are the only two in SHINee to share a room. the other 3 boys have their own rooms. furthermore, there was the extremely hot Internet War performance where both boys were caught up in the moment and actually 'kissed'. not french. not snog. but their lips met. briefly.

(read here for the madness and some fancams of the performance) 

still, it hasn't stopped them from performing the song over and over again at their concerts and also at SMTown Live.

so I decided to show OmmaS over googlechat an extremely explicit gif (link in the conversation below) that was dedicated to the Internet War performance between my two favorite performers in the group.

and this conversation ended up happening...


me:

and the reason why the jongmin ship is sailing to the ends of the world
http://thekpopdoctor.tumblr.com/post/49140124376/buing-iton-oppa-dinopuppyjonghyun-jongtae
(after 1 min)  i hope your screen isn't blown up..

OmmaS:

IT TOTALLY IS!!!!!
AND I'M TRYING TO SCROLL DAMN FAST

me:
OMG!

OmmaS:
BUT IT'S ALL SO BIG!!!

me:
minimize!! MINIMIZE!!!

OmmaS:

I'M SCARED TO TURN AROUND NOW
some colleague standing there will be giving me strange looks

me:
shit. i'm laughing so hard now i'm tearing

OmmaS:
I HATE YOU!!!!




the shit we get up to... HAHAHAHAHAHA. I love my omma.

on saturday, over tea with the family, the uncle asked the younger brother when he was going to get married. we chatted a bit about it and then i remarked that he was still a student. without a house and without money, he wouldn't be getting married any time soon.

my uncle turned to my brother, "better than some people. got house and got money still cannot find someone to marry."

then he looked at me and laughed.

F****** ASSHOLEEEEEEE

I love my uncle. I know he's joking. but that was such a low blow and uncalled for. so I smiled at him and turned to talk to my sister instead.


I'm sorry that I'm not sorry for my "high" expectations. but it is just that hard to find someone who I can talk to and trust to keep me on the right path towards God. especially when guys around me keep cementing the fact that they are assholes.


men. pfffft.

I've been seeing a post pop up suddenly on my fb newsfeed. about why and how women should travel alone.

and it's all by girls who are suddenly(?) inspired to travel alone.

(honestly, the article is more what girls should do when traveling alone than why girls should travel alone)

her point was about "being a bad ass" read: here

I frowned when I was done with the article. firstly, where was this article back in 2007 when almost everyone was freaking out about me going to Taipei alone? secondly, I don't think she's traveled alone enough to understand what it means and how much more enriching it is to travel alone. or she just didn't put it down in words.


it's true that you don't have to answer to anyone when traveling alone and you can be "selfish" for once. that's what I felt the first time I traveled alone. when I was planning. knowing that I could wake up each day with no agenda and just do whatever I wanted to. that freedom was incredible.

but traveling alone is more than just a "bad ass" experience.

I've always known that I'm responsible for myself and no one should be burdened for my sake. but that struck me even more when I was really completely alone in a country with no one to rely on. I'm responsible for how I feel. I'm responsible for myself and no one should have to look out for me or take care of me. I shouldn't count on others to change things for me.

Since then, that insatiable thirst to be alone grew. I ate alone more. I started going out alone. I was no longer ashamed of telling people that I was alone in town or having dinner or having lunch. instead, I started to feel sorry for people who thought it was sad to be alone.

one of life's biggest lesson is learning to love yourself enough to be comfortable with being by yourself. and traveling alone taught me that.

of course I have my lonely moments. but loneliness and being alone are two very different things. I can be surrounded by familiar faces and feel lonely and sad. I can also be walking down the empty rose garden near Hyde Park myself and feeling absolute peace and glee.

and honestly, words cannot describe the change in a person's mindset when traveling alone. not just for women, but for the men too. to find comfort in solitude. of course there are only so many cherry blossom streets you can walk before all the couples around you make you depressed. but that's another story.

so go forth, people! travel alone!

why do I love such an insane(ly talented) man?



mad beats. killer bass. truly maddening

from following him to feed stray cats..

to trying mystery meats on his plate to make sure it's fish..


to now doing a body check to make sure there are no cockroaches on him.



even with all the strange names you coin for me each time, thank you for making my work days a little more fun each time. ^-^

random bimbo thoughts:

(1)
I hope to find a way where running with long hair is not a pain. buns don't work. braids don't work. and when it's in a normal ponytail, it's slapping and sticking on my shoulder. I've invested too much to get it to this length. I'm not cutting it. (totally understand why girls on ANTM break down when their long locks are chopped above their shoulders..)

maybe I should start wearing t-shirts with sleeves to run.

(2)
despite the weighing scale screaming "RUN, FAT GIRL, RUN!!!" at me, people have been telling me that I've lost weight since November. including people who see me regularly.

that's a good thing, right?

please don't say otherwise when I come back from eat-all-the-fried-chicken-drink-all-the-beer-for-supper land. T-T

candid phone photo during baptism service last Sunday @ YWCA

just a day before good Friday and unlike other years, I'm heading to a friend's church for service tonight. Mandarin service, no less. I think my eyes will be widening a lot not because of what that is taught but because my stupid brain can't translate fast enough.

another thing different? the questions I've gotten today.

why today? what's the significance? so how is Sunday different from Friday? why does He give me life only to reject me on my deathbed?

I've never been so careful in picking the words to say. I know he's asking because he genuinely wants to understand. not to fight with me. not because he wants to believe. not because he wants to find ways to beat it down. he simply wants to understand what I'm thinking. no strings or conditions attached. and our working relationship makes it so easy for us to sit down and consider all these things, most of the time agreeing to disagree, and still work together over projects.

so I shared a little with the CG girls. to ask them for their prayers that I'd continue to be wise and gentle in my words. no emotional blackmail. no "this is what I experienced". simply, "this is what the bible says". (whether the bible is the truth or not, that's something my friend has to resolve with himself.)

then one of the girls shared her struggles.

honestly, it makes me so incredibly thankful to watch people frown and mull over the word. I still struggle with the word. I struggle with it every day of my life. what God says. what God commands. what God thinks. it always reminds me of a conclusion I came to after talking to a Brother.

I struggle because I care. the day I stop struggling is the day I become indifferent to the word: the day I become indifferent to God.

I pm'ed the girl. assured her that her struggles were not unfounded. that it's natural. so we're going to meet up. to talk about our struggles. to work together to understand better what Christianity means.




I don't think I've ever been more excited in my life. ^-^