Today is the one day that social media is flooded with emo/witty singles or gloating/genuinely "I NEED TO SHOW THE WORLD MY SO IS THE BEST" couples.

And today is the day I leant that poor eating decisions and lack of love will result in me missing the last few moments of Project Timothy while nursing a gastric attack.


No more apple and tea on an almost empty stomach. A diet life is not a life for me.

On the phone with a working partner this morning and out of habit, I asked him how his weekend was. He told me about his dad's birthday and how his uncle and dad revived their childhood band and it was a riot.

Then he asked me how mine was.

"Oh. Depressing. Cancelled appts. Tried to block out stuff and stick my emotions 6 feet under by drinking too much sake and letting decadence entertain me.. because I was going to murder my dog on Saturday. Cried so much that my face was swollen.. yea. Just peachy."

Definitely did not say that. Instead, I forced a smile through the phone.

"The usual. Friday night drinks. Saturday was nice. Last day of CNY where everyone is supposed to come together and catch up. Had the entire family over and company is always good."


I know that you're in a better place. Be good and I'll see you when I get there too.

"He alone is faithful and true
He alone knows what's best for you
God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
When you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart"
- "Trust His heart"


I do. I really do. I just wish it didn't hurt so bad too.

"Mental illness is not always a death sentence. People can change, they can improve. Sometimes they just need help from someone who’s not too afraid to be compassionate."

- Internet

It really is much better to deal with the relationship problems between a person and God before dealing with relationship problems between people.

On the side note, yet another exhausted, necessary, and humbling late night rant. Just reminded me of how much chaos the world is in. And after those thoughts crossed my mind, a late night excavation found bloody mucus.

Ah. Life.

so it suddenly happened. an unexpected text reply set it off.

that familiar giddiness.. that uneasiness and shivering while my eyes were unable to focus.

but I bit my tongue instead of typing out a furious reply. I wasn't sure if it was rage or exasperation or panic. or maybe a bit of everything. I actually stopped, closed my eyes, and muttered a quick prayer for my heart to quieten before responding.

the other party's high emotions softened after my next few replies as I typed them out with shaking hands. I controlled my breathing and tried to quieten the blood pounding in my ears to silence the way Liz taught me.

I'm always grateful for the angels that God sent to help me out for the rest of my life's journey. the angels that toughened me up. the angels that reprimanded me for my sake, not theirs. the angels that encouraged me. that angels that held my hand quietly without reproach or judgement.


but at the same time, Liz's parting words made sense. recovery isn't easy. when all is going well, and there aren't triggers, it's easy to lie to myself and tell myself that I'm perfectly fine. like the massive time of my life between last few years of uni to the last few years of my previous employment.

there are still residual problems that I need to work on. there's a lingering part of my mind that isn't quite right yet and I have to manage it when the time comes again or a relapse would creep in again.

and yet, I'm grateful for all that I am today and all that I've dealt with in the past 30+ years of my life. God is truly good and gracious. Even as I go into the new year, may I cling to these truths as I continue in life.

I've never subscribed to the view that organizational behavior is at its maximum potential when people with same personalities or socially categorized traits work together. I've always felt that a blend of it makes work interesting and allows you to better understand yourself and others.

Unless a person's organizational behavior is controlling, vindictive, and insecure.

But I can't deny that having similar traits definitely help.

In particular, that initial skepticism and aloofness at the start of the relationship which evolves to one of friendly physical intimacy. Like a gentle hand on the back or holding of an elbow. Or taking that "long walk to the water cooler" which is out of the way just to call someone to lunch together. Or that hysterical laughter from a shared joke when there's no one who will be upset by an inside joke.

He's been so good. Through my mental illness. Through my recovery. Through my fresh start. He keeps reminding me that He's in control through the good and bad. Now that it's all good, if it ever becomes bad, may I still remember this important truth.

Because really. How great is our God.

These late night rambles give me life but will also be the death of me the next day. But here goes...

I'm constantly reminded indeed that we have no control over how people respond, react, and relate to us. But I have the power to decide how I respond to others. I have the control to determine how I react to others. And I have the ability to define how I relate to others.

And that's really enough.

Still, how do I then dictate how I respond, react, and relate? Simple. By who I think I am. Which is nothing more but a Christian.


And Sonja's words come back to me. She reminded us that we are dead to ourselves. If I am dead, I cannot do the things I used to do. How does a corpse awake to brush its teeth and have breakfast and meander through the day? It does not.

And I am not me aymore. I am not my old self. I am now a Christian. So it designs my responses, reactions, and relationships.

And I know that I keep telling those around me to persevere and love tirelessly. Not to reciprocate evil with evil but to love without conditions.


Today, someone reminded me that it is a burden and is in fact tiring. And I can't help but agree. It is draining and exhausting to constantly take blow after blow without any love in return. But that's my "folly". And it really depletes my energy.

So I do seek rest. I do crave a peace and calm. And I have found those moments.

In simple things like Pokemon hunting and music and my books or other games.

And in even simpler things like going back to God and meditating on His word. While those formentioned things clear my mind, going back to God aligns my mind and takes control of my heart. He reminds me that He took me out of a pile of wretched worthlessness to look at me and say, "You're mine."

So in all that I do, I cling to the fact that I am Christian to rule my life. And that's pretty damn amazing.

After some quiet time and reflection this week, I was suddenly reminded of a drama that I once watched. "It's okay, that's love."

My all time favorite because of the themes that it was challenging. Because of the world norms that it questioned.

One poignant scene had the senior therapist in the car asking the other passengers why people couldn't see mental illness for what it was: an illness. He likened it to a cold. It's not normal for the body just as mental illness is not normal for the mind. Yet instead of encouraging medication to help treat it, people write it off carelessly.

Which made me think of my own experiences. So often... in fact far too often, I was told it was all in my mind. That i just needed to condition my brain. That I just needed to take the steps in any self help book to think normally again.

Would you tell a person suffering from a cold that if they don't sniff or blow their nose or show symptoms of a full blown cold, their body would recover? Would you tell a person with hacking cough to suppress the cough and they would get better?? (Side note, suppressing coughs can worsen your condition. Ask my mom and her 2-month old cough.)

So why do we not recognize that there are symptoms and tests to prove a person is mentally ill just like how there are symptoms and tests to prove a person is bodily ill? Why do we not realize that there is a treatment that needs to be applied to the mentally ill the same way treatment is applied to the bodily ill?


At the end of the day, I have learnt that mental illness is a dark unknown realm to many. And because they don't understand it, there are those who will apply what they know to the unknown. Which just doesn't work. The "top ten tips for effective..." or "things to do for a better..." lists in your hr research books do not work. It's an illness. The person is unwell. Just get treatment to them.

But then, there is a group that seeks to understand it more. There's a group that questions and realizes that they know nothing about mental illness and strive to learn more so they can handle it better. And most of the time, these people have gone through the illness themselves.

Or are from the first group above who have come to realize that they know batshit about depression or anxiety or Tourette syndrome.

After being open about my condition in church, I've learnt that there are so many people... too many people who are fighting demons the way I was fighting mine. And they are losing the same way I lost without proper treatment because they don't realise that they are ill. And so I'm still finding out more about this unknown area in today's world.


And honestly, it's never too late to find out more. To ask. To see how you can help someone by first admitting that you know nothing about helping them.

It's really never too late.

Too many places to visit. Too little time.

At least I've narrowed down the places to mainly Europe (this new role is stabbing me with wanderlust whenever I stroll down the corridor to get to the toilets).

so note to self: remember this stupid list you have created of places you want to go to and get it done!!

1. Norway. Tromso is gorgeous. Oslo is gorgeous. Kristensand is gorgeous. Bergen is gorgeous. And northern lights. oh the northern lights. I am in trouble.

2. Denmark. Oh the clogs and the architecture that just keeps enticing and captivating over and over and over again. Yes. In trouble.

3. UK. I've been to London numerous times but yet I haven't ventured much beyond it. Just bits of Rye, Whitstable, Manchester... and there's still so much to see. Plus this: https://www.theguardian.com/travel/2016/oct/15/best-autumn-walks-uk. So Scotland. Lake District. Oxford. Bilsbury. So many places waiting for me. Shit's about to get real.

4. Spain. A different flavor. It's more colorful. Warmer. Cooler. Brighter. Duller. So diverse from the other countries above. And Canary Islands. Oh my god Canary Islands. How else can I sit by the beach in Tenerife and quote Ed Sheeran?? So much trouble.

5. Belgian. Oh my sweet sweet Belgian with your chocolates and waffles and fries and beer and cities waiting for me to get lost in. Brussels was but just the surface of your beauty. *Stares at wallet in dismay*

6. Switzerland. Bern. Interlaken. The old cities with constantly new sights to amaze people. All the historical war monuments and the castles and the mountains. Plus this is the one place I would challenge myself and go skydiving although I fucking hate heights. But to be free falling then soaring above the snowy caps to land in soft-ish/hard snow... oh so much trouble.

7. Iceland. The volcanoes. The geysers. The hot spings. The lava fields. right. FTS..

and these are just places where I've figured some of the cities out. I haven't even started on Finland. Sweden. Germany. Austria. France. Italy. Portugal. Greece. Romania. Poland. Ireland. Hungary. Croatia. and that's not even all the countries in Europe. HOW???

"Can you send us your stuff to check for mistakes?" vs "can you send us your stuff to check?"

"It's so easy. Why are you asking?" vs "It's actually easy. You can try this..."

"I am sorry if I hurt you" vs "I am sorry I hurt you".

"Oh. Ok." Vs "How can we help?"


So many times, so many times we fail to see the impact our words have on others. I am no longer hung up on it. But I do revisit the thoughts in my head to remind me that I have changed and I am hopefully a better person after this.

Despite what people who love me think, I like to believe that I was a victim of toxic circumstances rather than a victim of toxic people. Despite the calls to ignore and to cut out those people from my life, I still choose to love and care and have them part of my life if they wish. Despite the world thinking I'm crazy for still keeping the people that triggered and worsened my depression, I believe that it was their actions propelled by the situations which resulted in all of this. And not that they are calculative self-serving people who will step on others just because they can.

Like I told Liz, it was really a problem of "fit". Circumstances and situations had caused the environment to change and I just couldn't fit into it. Is it a bad environment? For me, yes. For others, no. They thrived in it. If the organisation sustains and can move forward with that environment, I would be a fool to think I had a better style. I know that I just had a different style from the leader then.

Call me naive but I rather treat people nice than to demand that people treat me nice. It's less disappointing to expect nothing from others and more uplifting to demand everything of me in how I treat others.

But I am not naive. I am a Christian. Because of that, I will love tirelessly, whether or not I get love in return. After all, I am not defined by how others act towards me but I am defined by how I act towards others because of who God is.


So I will keep thinking of the past. I will keep reflecting on it to remind me that I can and I will be a better me after all this. And that's my one prayer in life. Not to put people down despite how they are or were to me. Not to hurt others just because they have hurt me. How people treat me shouldn't have an impact on how I treat others.

So keep on keeping on, little one. Keep on keeping on.

Decided to tackle the four beast mountain alone. I picked the more common route of starting at the tiger and ending at elephant. And all I could think of was how it mimicked life.

As I climbed, it was ridiculously tough getting to the top. Many times I could have given up. There were so many reasons to give up. The skies looked bad. I was tired with no food due to no planning... but I continued despite wondering what I was doing to myself.

At one point I was feeling lost and wondering if I was headed in the right direction. So I stopped and asked for help from a stranger. He continued the journey with me to the point we had to part. Even after I reached the peak, heading back down wasn't easy. There were still some times where I had to walk up to walk down. And walking downwards was difficult in its own way.

When I finally got to the bottom, there was a sense of something being finished. I wasn't necessarily a better me... but I was a different me. I had something new to describe me.

It wasn't so much that the climb mimicked life. But the climb was like any trial or phase in life. There are the climaxes and the pains to getting there and coming down from it. But help comes when I ask and I'm usually surprised by the help I get.

And after it's all said and done, being a better person is a definite bonus. But we don't necessarily become a better person. Like the Wicked song, "who can say I've been changed for the better? But... I have been changed for good."

And in these moments, the beauty of creation still stands around me, waiting for me to stop and stare and know that He's there through it all.


Always grateful for these moments of peace that allow me to find myself once again and calibrate my life in accordance to His. Always grateful and always working at it.