i am.. horrifically... thinking of throwing a tantrum right now.

i have 2 law presentations over the next two weeks. been reading so many law articles that when i close my eyes, i wonder if i'm in the right discipline. oh well.

yesh. my tantrum. stress from sch.. still wondering why i don't feel the urgency to put more time into studying... and i need to complain abt certain gym users. ppl who annoy every saturday when i'm closing the damn gym. i can't stand it when those damn morons go to bathe at 6pm. the closing time of the gym is 6 pm! don't u freaking understand when i go to you at 5.50 pm to tell u that the gym is closing? i don't mean...

"oh, go ahead and workout for another 10 min and bathe at 6 pm. it's ok. the gym closes at 6 pm but i'm a student with deadlines and projects and mid terms and i've been here since 7 am.. it's ok. take your own. freaking. time. you. selfish. ass."

ARGH!

fine. if i have to wait another 10 min for them to finish bathing, i'm ok. nooooooo.. they take bloody 30 min. and i'm just steaming outside. damnit. and it's always one particular group of them... and they come out smelling like they freaking poured half a bottle of cologne on themselves. omg. there was one time my eyes just teared and i choked from the smell. and it was from one bleeping dude. might as well don't bathe right? no... he was one of them dumbass who made me wait 30 whole min after closing time. damn bleepers.

am i selfish? when i tell them damn gym users and they wave me away nary a smile or politeness. i have opened the locked doors for 2 girls coming in at 6.05 to use the bathroom and they are done bathing by 6.15. they are sweet, polite and nice. they even apologized for making me wait after that. and the reason why i was there and stayed until 6.30 that day was 'cos this guy decided to bath at 5.55 and take his blurdy time. it's the bleeping guys who make me freaking wait for them. always the guys. bleeping donkeys.

i'm switching the male bathroom water heaters off at 5.45pm next time. you have been warned.

and don't think travelling alone is going to be happening for now.. when i start working, i'm flying off without a word. maybe i should go hk. or finish up tainan. hm.. derno lah. sianz.

anyone wanna travel with me? lemme know!

and yes yes.. tell me what you think of me over here.

it's not terribly accurate.. and i think after that outburst above.. hm.. ahahaha.. don't let it sway your perception of sweet little me. but still it's entertainment when i don't want to study. (which is like now...) ok ok!! time to get started on the second case for this week's law presentation *fingers crossed* let's aim to sleep by 12 tonight!

It's time to pick up the pace... to actually start studying... after this weekend. i'm not going to be frazzled. let's take each day at a time. but for now, the weekend's brimming with activities..

hopefully i'll be able to meet up with bryan tmr. he leaves for vienna this tues. and fk's headed for belgium. when arranging the meet-up with bryan, i got moody. two of my closest guy buds are leaving. i don't even wanna imagine how next term will be.. i need ppl around when i know i can depend on ppl to be around me..

steph.. jt.. jane.. debz.. angela.. wc.. jeri.. cy.. sen.. ford..

just looking at the names is enough to make me feel miserable. and i'm listening to "come back to me" by budak pantai.. yay.

i know that i've still got my other darlings in singapore with me. but abt 5 months without those in singapore. what to do? hibernate in the gym and throw myself into work, i guess. sidenote: called pam. she confirmed my position in kpmg. technical probs so it's delayed. so ocs lied to me.. why wld pwc throw my application out?! the sch system spat me out of the running during the techie prob. and i haven't got my pay for dec and jan!!!

i wanna really wanna travel. on my way to school, i paused to think about my summer plans. besides internship, driving lessons and marathon training(as long as my knee doesn't give way). i would lurve to soak in the world cup exp in germany, pop by the stuttgart and munich pubs for drinks and games.. make my way west towards north France and visit the eiffel tower to figure out the charm it has on others. and if budget permits, i'll head back up north towards belgium and visit fk if he's still schooling.

to go alone or not to.. i would love to walk around alone, with my backpack and camera.. to lose myself in throngs of unfamiliar faces and new sights.. but i admit that the evenings will be lonely. i won't have someone to sit with me to enjoy the night sky as we just chat about how the day had been for both of us. so eurotrip to germany and france, anyone? and ppl won't be nagging at me..

oh. something that puddings showed me while i was on duty: http://www.completeevil.com/geek.html

i swear, he practically lives to antagonize me. i don't even know why he suddenly gave me that link. but no, i'm still in my musician phase. and mouse, i concede.. all the dumbass love personality quizzes that i've done in my boredom have pointed me to someone who can make me laugh. but i want my musician! i want someone who'll serenade me and mean it for once! *pouts uncharacteristically*

very easy right? christian musician boy who can make me laugh. and oh, did i mention deep pockets? not that i'm being materialistic or anything. but i would like to drop out of sch. i wanna forgo my degree to be a tai tai. hey, all those finishing/deportment classes i went for have to account for something.

which reminds me... i'll blog abt being a Lady... one day.. soon enough...
*****
Qiu Ni Hui Lai (Come back to me) - Budak Pantai
i can't sleep,
your thoughts just keep on swirling inside of my head
never knew it could be this bad
i was a fool
i played too cool, i thought i was all that you had, just me
never thought i could be so sad
it seems only yesterday, so happy we two
now just look at me, alone and so blue

i was wrong, i admit it
wo qiu ni hui lai*
i'm so sorry, please forgive me
please come back to me
i was wrong, i admit it
wo qiu ni hui lai
i'm so sorry, please forgive me
please come back, please come back to me

pick up the phone
i call your home, my heart pounding, hoping that you would say
"It's ok, let's try again"
the line connects
i hesitate, i don't know if you'll give me that chance to say
"Can we start again as friends?"
there's so much i wanna say for all that i've done
but when you come on the line the words just don't come

i was wrong, i admit it
wo qiu ni hui lai*
i'm so sorry, please forgive me
please come back to me
i was wrong, i admit it
wo qiu ni hui lai
i'm so sorry, please forgive me
please come back, please come back to me

i know i'm wrong, but i ask for another chance
let me please try again

*wo qiu ni hui lai is translated as i beg you to come back.

the Budak Pantai performance at Blue Moo was.. magical. truly truly. from the time they started, the fireworks during the intermission, the encore at the end.. $8 well spent. i didn't even put my mp3 on during the journey back. so afraid that i would lose that ringing in my ears.. that mental image in my mind. all 5 of them.

my cherie amour, you're the only one that i adore
you're the only one my heart beats for
how i wish that you were mine

they sang "my cherie amour"!! i'm a sucker for anyone who can pull it off wonderfully. and they serenaded me to no ends with that very song. the 2 comic reliefs horsing around, hamming it up to the delight of the audience. they teased and danced, a delight to watch. the lead charmed with his vocals, singing ever so earnestly (bukan cinta biasa.. "not accustomed to love" i think). the bass, though obviously sniffing with a cold, reminded me of the simple sensuousness of that low tone that i do kinda miss. and the guitarist, decked in black, was the vocal percussionist, obviously lost in the music. =) did i mention that they sang "my cherie amour"?

i wanna leap into your ocean
dive into the depths of your existence

My first concert ever. definitely not my last. down to earth, effortlessly endearing. songs like "all rice" got us laughing so hard while "leap(for your love)" made us (i dun believe i was the only one) swoon. i do enjoy live acts like eic and yar lah.. jetlaxx is not that bad lah. but it's different! When live acts perform, i close my eyes and let the music take my hand. Budak Pantai takes my hand and leads me thru the music.

it's only love, why do you cry, baby
let me dry your tears, don't you say goodbye
baby we could try, there's nothing to fear baby
love will see us through, don't you say goodbye

tonight also affims something that i've thought for quite a while already.

there's something attractive about a good musician that i'll never be able to comprehend fully. when i see ppl like maksim go loco on bumblebee then mellow for the ever gentle sadness in claudine.. the way some musicians close their eyes, shrouding themselves in seriousness, to open their gorgeous peepers and share a smile with their band members.. the way they sing so earnestly and simply, teasing the audience with their words.

i'm a sucker for musicians. i grew up to elvis, beatles and beegees.. listened to alluring oldies of Journey, patti lebelle.. then moved to the boybands... all earnest lies but earnest nevertheless. i'm a terribly hopeless romantic underneath it all.

oh, debz gave me this funny weblink.. for iGod. (below's part of a conversation between "God" and me)

Me:ok.. will i ever get attached?
God:Er. Ever is a long time. The oracle says: might happen

oracle. *chortles* machiam matrix

Me:Why do you not make sense?
God:What are the ingredients?

omigosh.. i was rolling my eyes by then.
**********
quote of the post
"He won't be the one who'll make you laugh" - a friend

Do I need someone who does that?

Just be the one who loves me; just be the one i love.

11.12 p.m, 9th Feb, the first time a brother-in-christ offered to walk me home. also the first time i smiled for real tonight. but it would have been too inconvenient for him. plus i needed time alone... or so i thought.

yet walking home, i realized that it was too dangerous for me to be alone at this time of the night. i was at the mercy of someone i didn't want to know. just a little overwhelmed at God knows what.. a little too weak and tired..

a little too vulnerable to leave myself at the mercy of me.

but i'll keep holding on. keep on remembering the warmth that coursed thru my body from a feeling that returned after so long. a feeling that i admit i missed terribly. i'll keep growing in Him.
*****
For Your Grace
You never did turn away
But cared much for my fate
You endured the pain and shame
for sinners' hearts filled with hate
Blood shed by the prophesied Lamb
Empty grave, You rose for me
Highly exalted, my Servant King
For all to come and believe

I'll continue to run this race
To strive alongside my family by faith
I'll not forget that blood which saves
Lord I thank You for Your grace

So I'll keep my eye on the cross
and never think to let You go
I'll hold on firmly to Your word
And give thanks for all I know
I'll think like You, seek Your mind
Pray that the family of Christ unite
To encourage, exhalt and charge
Of that hope, we'll never lose sight

We'll continue to run this race
To strive side by side, by our faith
We'll not forget that blood which saves
Lord we thank You for Your grace
- Me
*****
"if you smile when no one's looking, you mean it."

how about when you cry?

once again, Vday is dropped down on us like a bloody unwanted flower pot on the head... terribly sweet-smelling yet headache inducing.

it's a hallmark created day where the merchants come out in full force and prices rake sky-high. "Vday" packages all ridiculously priced.. all the mushy vday nonsense.. if u can't beat them, manipulate them! so i'll never fully enjoy Vday until i finally get the chance to exploit the silly lovers out there and clear their wallets for them. (hear me, u crazed ppl with too much moolah to spend.. give ur moolah to me!!! celebrate love everyday, not just 14 feb, lah)

sure.. people act differently on that day. perhaps there's something truly magical abt Vday. or it could just be the hallmarkish tradition which brainwashes the weaker ones into a lurvey durvey mood and thus creating a sense of socially-implemented obligation to be nice to everyone that spreads like a freaking virus.

Interesting things to know. it has been shown that guys want a girl they cannot get. a test was done where guys had to choose from 3 girls... all average looking.. first girl had just abt any guy in mind. second girl had one guy. the third had none. the second girl was the one all guys picked. and ppl, smile (read article here). just try not to look like an idiot doing it. but i digress.

no, i've never been on a date; no, i don't think my life is sad; yes, i'm dead pleased with myself; no, i don't need you organzing stuff for me; yes, i know you love me but don't do all that, please?

I'm not dissing love. i love the idea of having that someone to love whole-heartedly. i love the idea of having someone who'd love me unconditionally, despite my many shortcomings (like my bloody cynical side and when i gete cranky). then u scoff. who would be that illogical and irrational to love someone like me? and can i ever be illogical and irrational enough to love anyone that much?

and guess what, love is damn illogical and irrational. and it has happened. He came along and provided salvation.. that i may be vindicated by His pure blood, filled with love for someone as lowly as me. He is my Servant King. He doesn't ask for tag heur watches or an ipod nano. yet each morning, He showers me with love that He displays every day of my life. and all He asks is that i'd follow Him whever He may go in response to His love. as my love to Him. Yet, why do i struggle? i'm only human and He's not. He's Lord above all, isn't He? I can only try to be more like Him each day.

think about it. we complain abt not having that person who'd love us so unconditionally. Yet when we shunned Him, He died for our sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, just to reconcile us with God. Christ doesn't ask that we require a gpa of 3.7 and above.. He doesn't ask for us to be slim/muscular with model-like features. He merely asks that we believe in Him.

Isn't believing in Him a condition?

How can you accept the love of someone you don't believe in?

Then wouldn't loving Him back because He loves us become a condition? Would He still love me if i do not obey the bible?

when you believe in and accept Him, you are showing love for Him. why take the love of someone you don't intend to love in return? He would still love you but do you display your love for Him by disobeying Him in all you do? It's not a prerequisite. It's a response to the love He had given you. He has told us everything about Himself, down to the fact that He has bled for us, to the point of death on the cross.

(Read the History of Crucifixion here. Note: tad squirmish for readers with vivid imaginations.)

He was humiliated...scorned... by us... for us. when He didn't need to. Yet to death, He chose to go for us in His obedience to God. that is love at its greatness. nobody else in this world could ever love you any more or any way like He does. why do you give up the gift of eternal life from Christ that He offers, only to accept His wrath at the end of the day and continue to live ur sinful life? there are consequences. why chose wrath over love?

how can you ignore this love?
don't you want this kind of love?
then why do you still not believe and accept Him, O fallen sinner?

you want the roses? you want the sunshine or rain? you seek that rainbow? how about that diamond? He created the world. thru Him, all things were created and have their being. 'nuff said.

had a conversation abt knitting before leaving house today..

rush to sch only to end up waiting for a friend..

superbly cranky while in meeting room 3.2

went for mundane class that was... dodgey..

got upset with subway dude who was upset with me when he didn't get my orders. (1 freaking cookie!! not 3!!)..

waiting for Jeri to come online to settle QM..

confused abt "shadow prices" (*sarcastically*oooh... mysterious prices)..

talking to yw about food..

craving hot stuff (like soup, you damn pervies)..

still waiting for Jeri to come online..

thinking abt shadow kicking shadow prices..

very amused by knitting sister..

given in to cravings and cooking curry maggi mee

actually blogging about all this.......








Omigosh. i need a bf life. this is damn lame and it's still posted.

it's amazing what a suit/naval uniform can do to a person.

ok... not any random dude... let's take a slightly above average guy. likely to look good with a little effort into his hair, wear a proper tee and pants..

now imagine that same guy in a suit, jacket and the works.

or the all-white naval guard of honor uniform.





now girls, wipe up your drool. ahahahahahahahahahaha

i'm seriously bored in the gym lah... and when you get all these people looking all smart and dressed up in their suits for the official opening, your mind just wanders without thinking. (actually, "someone" started it.. JT's going to kill me i know.)

so when talking to mouse abt guys in suits, she declared that guys shld always be in suits. but if everyone wore suits, it would be boring.. and not everyone can carry it off. plus i've always like the all-white naval uniform. yada yada.. total waste of time blog but fun nevertheless..

something to share

taken from http://www.clv-comic.com/view.php?pic=865

guys, be nice to girls you see as "one-of-the-boys". sure, she'll punch you back when you punch her. she'll crap abt nonsense with you over a pint of chilled beer during happy hour. but remember, she's a lady, not a guy.

Gym Schedule for the following week:

Wed 25 Jan, 5 - 9 pm
Fri 27 Jan 3 - 6 pm

visit meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

side note:
my dreams of walking the streets of Paris and Stuttgart and whatnot in central europe alone is slowly eroding. firstly, if i do get that interview with PWC, i would have to negotiate with them to let me off one or two weeks earlier. and i have the issue of my parents. one thinks it's not safe (thanks to the two idiot rapists/murderers who attacked the 21 year old lady in Thailand); the other thinks i'm being anti-social.

and i was just hoping to be alone for 2 - 3 weeks to clear my thoughts and be lost in the romantic notion of travelling alone and being lost on the streets of gorgeous architecture (or the relaxing charm of Stuttgart). even JT and adrian are against me going alone.. sighz.

i might have ruffled feathers with my post on the issue of going for exchange.. didn't expect esp since i did mention that we've gone too far.

lemme just clarify myself. I'm not saying that the people going for exchange are doing the right thing.. i'm not saying that they are doing the wrong thing. it's not for me to decide whether someone's decision was a right or wrong one. 'cos while to me it may seem wrong, the other party may not see it as wrong.

how do we decide what's wrong and right? more than often, we can't. we're mere humans and when we try to rank stuff, we tend to fall back onto the man-made yardstick. we're not perfect. all we can do is do the thing that pleases God the most.. which for me would be protecting the gospel by guarding it and preaching it.

which is why i chose not to go for exchange. i would not be able to serve the gospel as well as i would if i remained in smucf. it's the only fellowship i have right now where i'm encouraged by fellow christians. i'm a servant of the gospel, not cf. it just so happens that God provided me with this family, SMUCF, to serve. and thus, my decision to stay. thus me going for exchange would be a wrong decision to make.

if everyone leaves for exchange, no doubt i will be disappointed.. i would naturally feel left behind. yet i also see it as a chance for me to test my endurance for the gospel. i will not walk away from a decision i've made. can i expect this from others? i can hope for it, but i cannot expect it. we all have different perspectives. God provides, i have no doubt abt it. He provides leaders. He also provides assurance that the gospel thrives with or without (and i dare say this) SMUCF.

would i have the peace of mind to walk away from serving the gospel thru the means of SMUCF? nope. esp not now when so many wish to go for exchange. my confidence is not in smucf for if it were, it's grossly misplaced. my confidence is in the gospel. that when the exchange grp leaves, i will remain and ensure that when they return, the partnership in the gospel is still ever present. i would love for them to remain in s'pore and continue in this partnership. can i force them? i can. will i force them?

i won't.

i don't want people to serve because they feel obligated to the CF. i want them to serve because they feel obligated to God. i don't want people to serve because they are told to. I want people to serve because they want to. what joy will you derive from serving something where your heart is not in?

am i saying that the people going for exchange don't have their heart in the right place? no. I'm saying that if I go for exchange, it's my own heart that's not in the right place. others have their own reason for going for exchange. if i do, it's just for the love of travel. but my love for God surpasses that so i will stay behind and serve Him by continuing my role as a leader. my hunger for travel can be satisfied in other ways and i will do so in those ways, i.e. traveling for a week or 2.

will i ruffled more feathers? perhaps. but i hope not to. we've spent far too much energy on this topic. while it's certainly an issue, how impt is it? my dears, we've gone thru bigger issues and we stuck together. why not now?

i'm just praying that people will reflect on their actions and how it affects others. for some, they anger and frustrate people. for others, they disappoint people. i haven't changed from my stand though. if you do have the peace of mind to walk away for that one term, go ahead. i'll be here protecting the gospel until my dear brothers and sisters return. just hope i'm not doing this alone.

Gym Schedule for the Week

Monday 16th Jan:
7am - 11 am

Friday 20 Jan:
3pm - 7pm

Saturday 21 Jan:
11am - 3pm

Kudos to those who pop by for a workout during my schedule. Many thanks to jt, wc and tim this week who stopped by just to chat. =)

you like him 'cos he's nice to you. you have no reason to believe that he likes you. he treats the girls all the same. then it hits you. you've fallen down a little too hard.

i love and hate being a human. emotions are funny things that make life bearable and unbearable. all the frustration and anguish.. all the joy and hope.. oh well..

anywayz, smth's been on the minds of a number of the leaders.. so i pray that if you're a leader reading this, you will stop and really reflect on what i've to say next..

*****
we have been learning that this partnership we have in this gospel. and i value the bonds that we have all forged with each other. i understand if you have other commitments and i do not want to hold you back. if you have the peace of mind, i pray that you will take leave for that one term to rest and enjoy. but keep us in your prayers, that we will continue to be faithful servants of Christ, eagerly awaiting your return to continue in this partnership.

no one, and i repeat, no one has the right to make you feel guilty for your choices. i don't approve of certain things that are happening and how they are being carried out. to those affected by it, i really wish that things would be better for you guys. i really didn't expect things to turn out this way.
*****
i am disappointed with how some of us have taken action. i regret to say that i used to be one of those opposing the attitude of the first grp. but i've learnt that it's not the best thing for me as a sister in christ. it certainly does not demostrate the abounding love that we know of and shld share with one another. do not pressure one another!

we cannot judge anyone by their decisions. it's not for us to make their choices for it. even more so, it's not for us to emotionally manipulate people's feelings and make them feel guilty abt choices they have made. i beseech you, as brothers and sisters in Christ, we're not perfect ourselves. we didn't make the "right" decision. we made our own decision. let them make theirs too. stop harming the partnership that we've set up to protect the gospel. it's the gospel we guard, not CF.
*****

i think i've said it quite plainly for all to see. it certainly upsets me that this issue has somewhat divided us. the real pioneers of our platform created CF as a means to get to know more christians that we can encourage each other to build up this church as one in Christ. think abt it.. even the pioneer batch went for exchange in their final year! why are we doing this to one another? can't we just focus on protecting the gospel the best we can? for those staying, see it as a chance to continue guarding the gospel, helping your brothers and sisters who are not present for that particular term. they will be back eventually.

let us not be divided by something as insignificant as this and focus on the impt thing that has been won. Christ has won. let's just be good stewards k?

anywayz, the thing i mentioned at the beginning... struggling with personal emotions.. oh why do i always go for the "bad boys"? someone smack me..

pick yourself back up
fasten Diana's* belt once more
stand up
walk away

*Note: Diana is the goddess of the moon, symbol of chastity and purity. I'm in a Greekish/Shakespearish mood..

figured that if i want people to visit me, i shld make known my schedule to the whole wide world. so lowdown on week 2 of sch...

Monday (9 Jan) 11 a.m - 3 p.m
Friday (13 Jan) 9 a.m - 3 p.m (official opening of the gym!)
Saturday (14 Jan) 7 a.m - 6 p.m

as you can see, i'm stuck in the gym for the whole day on sat... would love to see more familiar faces that day.. not that i don't recognize some of the gym regulars already.. it's just terribly nice when someone just pops by to say hi, sit/stand around for a couple of minutes to entertain me (as tim and gabriel so graciously did when i waved them over).

i agree with some of u... the gym is understaffed. i may look like i'm lazing when i'm at the desk.. but there are times when i know a huge chunk of ppl have entered the showers. i'm thus resigned to the desk to wait for them 'cos i don't wanna be running up and down. so it was nice that i hung around a little after my shift, and david after his, to just handle the gym together. plus i learnt bits of thai boxing.

so... i propose that the gym hire more ppl! ahahah.. ppl like my job. it's not glam but the pay's reasonable (it betta be for making me wake at 5.30 to open the gym at 6.30). gab wanted to take my place. lem made empty threats out of jealousy.. but help would be appreciated. 'cos when the lockers get stuck, i'll be stuck in the toilet handling it. thus no one in the gym or at the desk.

i hire unofficials can? a lunch/dinner each time, not surpassing half my day's earnings. guys preferred. 'cos when the guys' lockers get stuck, i don't wanna go into their showers. got this strange stench. and i had to enter it twice today. girls' showers are strangely scented though. and if the prob on the first day (read flashback here) happens again, you can't expect me to enter the guys' shower right? the poor dude will never look me in the eye. if it's a cute guy like dk, how? i lugi.. (i'm not a pervie can.. actually.. i think that guy was dk..)

official sia.. moving on to new eye candy: dk. sy also not bad. ahahahah.. they actually have similar features. just like gb and jh. yesh, i can imagine the million wagging fingers going, "jun.. you very one kind one."

need motivation for work and sch. which brings a topic to mind.. SMU students lurve smu too much. there's an explanation for it! i will go more into it in the future..

Note: Read Memoirs of the Geisha and Da Vinci Code. And i dare say Memoirs was more exciting. Da Vinci was just more.. image invoking. more detailed. but yea.

A year has come to pass and another has chanced upon us unknowingly.. and i'm not ready for it at all..

there's something about this year that scares me.. change? but as one of the most cliche sayings go.. "change is the only constant". i can deal with change.. but there's smth in me that remains reluctant to go on and strive to go back to my younger and more naive days..

over dinner, i was reminded that the new year will bring new challenges and we have to grow up a little more.. but i don't want to suddenly. as a child, i longed for time to stand still (until i had my first sip of alcohol when i was sec 3/4 but that's besides the point). i'm still longing for time to stand still. i'm growing i know.. but i'm growing far too fast.

part of me still lives in the past where i sing on top of my voice in the sch with my pri mates... another soul lingers on untirelessly in EL6 and 5.12 that were converted into bridging grounds, both for the game and relationships forged. a bit of me still haunts pulau ubin where jer and ford entertain with ns songs. i guess.. what i'm really saying is that... i'm a little lost as time leaves me clinging to my memoirs.

i'm not talking abt physical growth... spiritually, there's nothing more i would lurve to be then to be more mature.. more understanding of God's word.. but emotionally.. i don't wanna grow up. i don't want to worry that i'm going to lose bits of my family to the grim reaper.. i don't wanna think abt dying cold and alone inside.. too much has happened and i kinda feel that i've had enough of change.

i don't need anyone at this point to tell me what to think, how to think.. what to do and how to do it.. i'm just going to sit in a corner and watch the world thru my own two eyes.. and pray so hard that God continues to bless me and give me the strength to get by each day... that i will truly be content with what i have and deal with each challenge that the world throws at me.

-------------------------------------------------------------
she's faced the hardest times you could imagine
everytime her eyes fought back the tears
and when her youthful world was about to fall it
each time her slender shoulders bore the weight of her tears
and the sound that no one hears
still rings in midnight silence in her ears

let her cry for she's a lady
let her dream for she's a child
let the rain fall down upon her
she's a free and gentle flower growing wild
and if by chance that i should hold her
let me hold her for a time
and if allowed but one possession
i will take her from the garden to be mine

be careful how you touch her for she'll awaken
and sleep's the only freedom that she knows
and when you look into her eyes, you won't believe
the way she's always paying for a debt she never owes
and the silent wind still blows that only she can hear
and so she goes

let her cry for she's a lady
let her dream for she's a child
let the rain fall down upon her
she's a free and gentle flower growing wild
- Color Me Badd
-------------------------------------------------------------

don't try to change me
don't try to take away my space
just let me continue to be that child that kisses the rain
let me continue to be that child who laughs, cries and dreams.