As human beings, we know what it's like to be hurt... to be scared... to be upset... to be disappointed...

To wish people weren't so careless with our emotions.


Yet why do we not remember to be careful with others then? Because we are fallen wretched and useless sinners.


Still can't figure out why He picked me. But I know I am forever grateful and will keep working on this.

Trying to settle a.. for the lack of a better word, "distraction" in the midst of church building. And some thoughts came to mind after the meeting this morning.

The world's desires are very different from a Christian's.

The world seeks to be loved. A Christian seeks to love.

The world seeks ways to be loved. A Christian seeks ways to love.

The world stops responding where there is no reciprocation. A Christian loves even when the other hates.

All because of different motivations. The world craves approval from others to find its identity in the middle of everything. A Christian has already been approved by God because of our identity in God's Kingdom as given by Him.


And really, what a relief but hard deed to do. Just keep praying.

every Sunday I sit in church and I see people scribble during service. It's heartening to see people committing what they learn to paper. But I wonder how many commit what they learned into their lives. Me included.

In that pondering, I question how many have dug deep into the bible to truly understand and find the one motivation to please our Great Giver. I also wonder how many are struggling and what they are struggling with... so that I can extend that helping hand to remind them that they aren't alone.


Praying. just praying that I will truly live it out.

So I did something out of the ordinary on Tuesday. I went to volunteer my services for babysitting so that the sahm could have their bible studies in peace.

As with kids, there were cute heart melting moments and there were horrific moments. I left the room thinking, "1 Cor 7. Keep remembering 1 Cor 7."

Not that singleness is waaaaay better than marriage. Instead, i think both are amazing blessings and gifts from God. But their difficulties and happy moments are so different. For now, i am not ready to give up the difficulties of singlehood to embrace the wonders of a family. No. Not yet.


Another thing I saw was how the kids reminded me so much of how we ought to live.

Asher, bless his sweet heart, was one such boy who modeled it right. He was gentle, kind, sweet, caring. He was slow to anger and yet humble to know to seek help and show his vulnerability when appropriate. Like when a little girl chomped down on his arm, I could only watch on in horror as I was comforting little M in my arms. We quickly called him to us and a staff checked the bite. She assured him that it was okay and we would clean it up and check again. Asher nodded quietly as tears started rolling down his face silently. But at no point did he scream or retaliate or get angry. My heart broke for his little soul and after the session ended, i checked on him again. He told me he was okay with a shy gentle smile. His attitude makes me ashamed of my own.

Then there was peskymon.. Or in my words, an absolute horror. This one knew he had power and exerted through violence and harsh degrading mean words. He deliberately hurt people to show that he had no care for them and lied when found out, thinking he was smart and cheeky. It was horrifying to watch him as he basked in his own self-importance.

And i knew the child. He was a different kid in front of his parents and teachers. Smart, always knew what to say to impress.. Again, it was all very clearly about him and how he portrayed himself to establish a certain impression with certain people. And it saddened me. Not only because of how he was acting. But also how I reacted. On the surface, he got no reaction from me as I ignored his attempts to step on my toes, both literally and figuratively. I was calm and nonchalent and he gave up quickly.

But inside I was steaming with unkind words. On hindsight, i should have spoken to the staff and the mom so as to correct the child and help him be a better person. But I just wanted nothing to do with him. And how often do I do that to others who I think are vile and don't deserve love??


Sigh. Hard truths of the day. Got to keep praying. Just keep praying and working on myself..

Sunday's sermon was a tough one. Not because it was a sin I struggled with. But because it was a sin I didn't struggle with.

And most of the church don't. Or so it seems. But because of it, i think it has affected where people's hearts are.

I spoke to some after the sermon and got feedback. And this is what I heard from some...

"Isn't it obvious that it is wrong? Why do they choose a lie over the truth?"

"Why can't they see it when it is so clear?"

"Why aren't they convinced? I know I am."


And my heart hurts. No, it's not that they don't understand. It's that we don't understand the pains, struggles, fears, and despair that homosexual Christians experience. It's that we don't understand what it means to be put in a spotlight and be stared at, made to feel inadequate because of it.

Of course we are convinced of what was preached. It goes according to our thoughts. It is what we live by and what we hear. But we so quickly forget that when a sermon rebukes our own personal sins, we create excuses for ourselves too.

Yes, God has leveled all sins. The liar is as sinful as the adulterer and as sinful as one who has exchanged God's natural intent for the unnatural. And the grace shown to us all is the same grace. But we too quickly forget that the struggles are different. So incredibly different. Which is why I felt D's apology to the homosexuals for how they had been treated was heartfelt. Sincere. Humble. He knew that it was unpleasant for them to hear the sermon. He knew it would irk them. But he did it with much love and care. In a way a shepherd takes a wounded sheep and tends to the wounds while gently coaxing it to stay by his side.


May we be more understanding as a church. May we be loving and kind in rebuke. May we keep praying for all.

In the past 3.5 months of recovery and rediscovery, i had been blessed with so much.

The time to read the bible..

The time to connect with old friends..

And even the time to make new friends through colleagues and customers at the bistro.


And i am so grateful for all that He has done in my life. It's not about the people that keep telling me that they would miss me. It's not about the people who make the time for me. It'snot even about the people who take me and my flaws and help me be a better person.

It's about how He provided ALL of them and more to remind me that He truly cares about little insignificant me. From my favorite Tiger Beer bffs to my little monkey. From Uncle D to Sha and her radiant smile. I feel so completely blessed and provided for. That despite the aching feet and shoulders, I found rest in His word and the people He provided.


So what if I am broke? So what if by the world's standards, I would be seen as mediocre or even down and out?


I have all that He chose to bless me with. And that's really all I need now.

i think i've injured my right foot so oftn that I'm numbed to the consequences.

fracturing it.. then inflaming it after kicking the sofa... to now dropping a table on it.


i'm done with the damn foot. sigh.

Singing glory, honor, wisdom, power
To the Lamb upon the throne
Hallelujah I will sing
With every breath that I am given
I will sing salvation's song
And I'll join the chorus of creation
Giving praise to Christ alone

Today we saw in church the beauty of a marriage in God's world. About how He uses it to show us His unending love.

Today I prayed for a man left broken and completely anguished by his impending divorce from his wife of 16 years.

Today I cried for a stranger who decided that perhaps, just perhaps, this God who loved love so much would heal his brokenness and help him through this time by providing strangers who wanted to pray for him and be his friend.

Today I witnessed the beauty of God in a man's life despite the anguish man can cause.



Truly, with every breath I am given, I want to sing salvation's song.

what I tend to think of as funny, or amusing, or certain expressions I have may be similar to how people are feeling inside. but it doesn't mean it's alright. that sigh. that wince. that grin. that slightly exasperated amusement.

it's not alright. even if the person says he or she is not affected. even if the person brushes it off. it's not alright.

I was once on the receiving end and I should really be the last person to be doing it to others. it is not right.

learning to school my expressions and to be a better support to the building of the church. to be a better steward and fellow shepherdess. to be a better assistant. to be a better maid.



God, help me with my sin, especially so I won't hurt others the way I was hurt before.

"Date a girl who travels", they say.. "date someone who wants to see the world", they blog.

what they don't add to it is if you don't want to travel and you're just going to make use of her/him, don't date a traveler.

don't make use of their love for wanting to know more about the world to enrich your own knowledge. don't make use of their adventurous spirit and live vicariously through them. don't leech on them and expect to grow.

and definitely don't stand in their way of traveling, esp when they want to do it without you.



because I swear, stand in my way of my Europe trip and be prepared to incur my wrath. Norway, Denmark, Germany, Sweden, and Switzerland, please wait for me!

Things I've heard often from strangers who've met me for the first time or second time are usually in the line of:

"I can't tell that you stay in a bungalow. you seem like a HDB kid."

"You don't look like the type to experiment with your hair. You look like the type to have long dark hair all your life."

"I can't tell that you're a dragonboater."

"You don't look like you can finish a whole fried chicken." (weird back story to this convo. but I don't think I can do more than 5 KFC pieces now.)

"You read Dragonlance??"

"You have had only one bf???"

"What do you mean you're an introvert????"


So I tend to surprise people who've just met me. But something (or things) that I've had said to me by complete strangers or people I've met once or twice in public settings outside church strike me most:

"You are a Christian, aren't you?"

"So which church do you go to?" (By complete strangers after a few minutes of conversing.)


Most of the time, these are people who don't even know my name. Don't know my background. Don't know my history. But they look at me and the question comes up in our conversations.


And the first thing that usually springs to mind after the question is my quick prayer of, "Thank you for choosing me."


During this time of rest, I've seen more of His goodness. During this time of need, I've had the opportunity to not be distracted from His grace and constant work in my life. I've seen the power of prayer and the joy of Christian brothers and sisters. I've seen His flawless work in the most unassuming moments of my life. I've seen His awesome, faithful, just, and loving character with the amount of time I've been able to commit to His word.

I've been treated to the biggest miracle of knowing that God's picked me, the worthless wretched sinner who deserved no love.

And He doesn't stop. In the busyness of life when He continues to work out His plans for the world, He remembers little insignificant me and reminds me that I'm in His plan. He gently reminds me that He cares. He lets me know that He's in control. that He's called me to be His and nothing else matters at all.


So I will keep on fighting for Him. I will keep on striving for Him. not for glory or power or higher salary or promotions or big titles or worldly achievements. But I will keep fighting to make Him known in my actions, works, deeds, and speech. Not easy. But I will keep fighting for Him.

during my recent session, L looked at me with a whimsical smile before she started.

"You look tired. like you slept too late. but you look brighter. happier. as if the burden has never been there on your shoulders. and you've been off your meds for almost 2 months. does this mean you no longer need to see me and I'll start missing you?"

that session was probably one of the lightest I've had since I told her I was quitting. that pure joy on her face when she told me that she was glad she didn't have to tell me to quit made me realize that people did think me worth caring about. despite my many attempts to tell her that she never heard the other side of the story, L was always there with a comforting phrase of, "No matter how bad a person is, a Christian would never give up on them."

and she never gave up on me.

when she asked me what the biggest motivator and best medication I had to deal with my depression, I smiled with a soft sigh and told her it was God. I didn't even need to tell her that God had provided her or that He had provided friends and loved ones in his wisdom and perfect timing. But the brilliant grateful smile that she had on her face said it all.

I think I've been so incredibly blessed. that since 2 years ago when the odd crying spells and worsening insomnia happened.. when the anxiety attacks that would leave me breathless and throwing up nearly every day since the mid of 2015 started... and all I did was to pray. I never told anyone the full extent of how bad it was. I didn't dare to tell anyone how bad it was. because I was just blaming me and praying for God to resolve my heart.

then God gave me that fateful text message from H the day after I had another suffocating anxiety attack in the middle of the night. He gave me the desperation to cry for help. He gave me a dear sister in G who had gone through even worse times to talk to me about seeking help. He gave me a mother with incredible contacts. He gave me L who wasn't just a psychologist but also a Christian.

I'm grateful that I never got to that state of "I didn't realize God was all I needed until He was all I had.".

I'm grateful that in little small ways, He's shown much love, care, mercy, and graciousness towards me. That He doesn't look at my offerings to the church financially and pastorally. That He doesn't look at my career achievements or popularity. That He doesn't look at the number of fb posts I make about it or Christian articles I share and the number of times I teach in church or serve or my contribution to the ministry.

But God's been so good simply because He has chosen such a fallen and wretched sinner like me to cling to the cross crying for forgiveness and doing all things in response to my salvation. He's been so good that I find my confidence not in my job progression, fb likes, social media following, applaud of colleagues or friends, cg leading, or silent behind-the-scenes ministerial work... but He's been so gracious that I find my confidence in His unfailing character and pure faithfulness to His promises.

and not just my confidence in my salvation but my confidence in myself. that I'm not first and foremost a Christian... but simply that I am a Christian.

because of it, I find myself more willing to share about my vulnerabilities... my depression.. and my cure and salvation in God alone whose merciful and gracious providence has been nothing more than a miracle in my life.


I still have questions. I still have queries about how the human brain and emotions work and how it co-exists in the realm of God. S has promised to give me the pointers of his psychological research and sit with me to talk about it. But that's really just a bonus to everything God has done and provided for me. And I honestly couldn't been happier.