a quick update on things... in case some of u don't already know, friendster's started a blog thing as well. came to know abt it thru bryan and theresia (who started a blog through there btw). i'm not going to be nuts and have another blog. i'm very happy here with the flexibility of blogskins and the side bar. added new links under friends for debz and theresia and jason mraz. yesh, u read right. jason mraz. no, he's not my friend. so i'm changing the title to "other blogs" or smth.. haven't really thought abt it. but by the time u've read this, it would have changed. so yar.

anywayz, more photos up too.. specially for the scenic shots i've take at tioman, shenton, botanic gardens and smu. will put more shots of smu up after the exams. and oh, i've got a newfound love for mp3 players with 5gb or more space to boot. so it ranges from the iPod mini super model with 6gb or Creative micro zen with either 5 or 6 gb of space. wld love to bring my music everywhere with me and not be bogged down by wgt.

on a final note. latest news just came in. Pope John Paul II has passed away. 9.37pm, Vatican City time. and the world mourns for him. In the words of Paul, our apostle, "To live is christ, to die is gain." haiz.

i really shld be studying.. but i was clearing some old mail when i came across one with a link to alwyn's photo gallery. honestly. being a "scenary" type person, i was drawn to his NY gallery. it looks so much like harajuku and shinjuku at night. i wish i had more time at shinjuku that night. we were running from place to place so i didn't have time to capture the neon lights. had many weird angles. personally don't fancy the pictures i took. and harajuku was given a miss 'cos i only got to see it on the moving bus. i adore taking pictures of scenary but with a simple 4 megapixel digi cam, 3x zoom, 4x digital zoom. useless.. i wld have preferred it the other way round but my camera was on offer. first up, i want my creative zen or ipod mini.. gb of spaces.. i want i want i want.. but back to scenary first, i think the best i've captured were the shots at tioman. i know they're not online. lemme get down to it after the exams. but the sight was breath-taking.

nevertheless, i was looking through his gallery and came across the "acjc-defeat". the rugby finals we lost. i'm not an amazing fan of rugby, i prefer soccer really. and i'm more scenic shots than ppl shots but i decided to check it out either way.

the pictures killed me. they may just mere 2D pictures but words cannot describe the emotions that they reflected in each face. the feeling so raw and real to me. it reminded me of the rugby matches i watched. each win was almost effortless.. especially the last one i went to. we trashed rjc as compared to the previous one where we depended on the 2 penalty kicks from steedon. yesh, i still remember how we performed. i realized it's so easy for me to still say "we" when referring to acjc although i'm no longer enrolled in that sch. but.. oh well. i guess i didn't expect a barrage of emotions coming onto me as i looked at the forlorn faces... the tears.. the hopelessness and even helplessness. it was like looking at the various teams that i've watched losing matches/games in my alma mater... in the regatta... in the pasta sukan... against the sajc soccer team. i don't recognize a face at all in the pictures taken. but i knew i was looking at my fellow acsians, a fellow sch mater even as of now when i'm in smu, mourn the loss of the coverted rugby championship trophy.

sure, consolations were going around without a doubt. every one of us, past, present and future all want that trophy back. we want that title. it's just a title, i know. it doesn't matter when we leave the face of this world. but it's one of the few things that binds even enemies in ac. if u want a picture perfect shot of the sch spirit, go down way early during the rugby finals from the time the council goes to set up the place.. and stay until the end whether we win or lose. sure, there will be those who don't care abt it. but once you get caught up in the current of cheers and emotions so present in the worldly pride we take in our ruggers, it just overwhelms you. the choking feel is even present now as i write this although the match was last year.

being in sports, i know the feel of defeat.. it's very real to me.. it's more than the pain and tears that goes into working so hard to attain your goal although you know it doesn't affect your standing in front of your Maker at the end of it all.. it's more than the injuries incurred during training and matches.. it's even beyond the human pride that we take in the human things we do.. it's also about the people that support you.. it's abt the team going through all that shit with you and no matter what, you know that they're sticking around next year.. it's about what everyone, not just you, has done to attain that common goal.. the motivations that surround you and pushes everyone forward. it's all that and even more but words just seem insufficient to capture everything at this moment.

recently, alwyn wrote on his own blog with regards to portrait shots, "That's all. I'm not really concerned about the camera or the color (since it is black and white). I am more interested in the final picture, as with the capture of emotion. That would be very nice indeed." i have to admit it, i agree that it's easy to take scenic shots. they don't have emotions that can be captured, smth not even easy with the normal camera. you can take a shot of someone off guard too but you might not be able to capture the emotion correctly too. it's really not easy. but i think he might have forgotten about that one picture he had taken during the match. it looks like the picture was slightly exposed, causing the black bar across the top. but it's my favorite of all the pictures... like one of those you flip your large photo albums and will always stop at to allow your fingers to linger on for a while, to allow that flood of memories to take control for a few fleeting seconds, then turning the page again, with the flotsam of thoughts just floating around.

you're getting there, dude.. slowly but surely.

i'm trying my darnest to be nice and loving. and ya know what, i have just a few things i need to clear up and get out of my system. bear with me..

1. Yes, i do wear skirts. i just don't wear them on days where i'm likely to meet many cf-ers. i cannot take so many shocked looks in a day. therefore, i will think twice abt wearing skirts for cf. horror memories of wc, debz and jeri kicking up a big fuss last sem still haunt me.

2. Yes, vic. i agree with u on the fact that i look better in short hair. you reading this, michele eNg huifang? i'm going to neaten it up after the exams. i.e. shorter hair. go with me, k?

3. yes, ansen, i do wear spag straps. no, it's not earth-shattering news.

4. and no, i'm not dressing up again just so u can see me dressed up just 'cos u missed me on tues. why wld i take pictures of me?? nutters

5. yes, i do use make-up. i have a presentation. presentation equates to presentable, esp when i'm playing a talkshow host

6. no, i highly doubt that me wearing skirts more will mean i will finally find a bf. give it a rest, ppl.

7. heels do hurt, especially when u try running in those with thin straps. i'm not wonder woman. My calf cramped in protest on wed morning just from thinking abt walking in high heels for the 2nd day in a row

it's times like these where i just shake my head and sigh to myself. sun-tanning was a flop today. ended up sitting at club islander and studying for abt an hr 'cos it started to rain. bora bora was too crowded for my liking. i don't care. i'm going swimming tmr. missed my run on monday and wed. will feel crummy if i don't get my butt moving soon enough.

this is a little smth from Vie (publication by smusa) a while back... by a writer called Gem. an interesting and entertaining read. enjoy!

****
i must admit, i am a victim of mistreatment. my boyfriend treates me like dirt under this shoes. he casually forgets our appointments; he picks fights over little things; he sms-es as most once a day and acts as if it costs him a pint of blood and a leg; he declares a take-it or leave-it ultimatum to any of my requests.

and sending back the feminist movement back by a century, i swallow and take it.

my friends tell me to drop the no-good sleazebag and get a better guy. "but i don't want anyone else," i whine, "i just want him to treat me better."

"you want him to worship the ground you walk on," natalie corrects me. she tosses her long re-bonded hair over her shoulders. "it's just our basic right as women."

slim, pretty, and most of all, a complete manipulator when it comes to relationships, natalie declares that by the time i complete her maneuvers, the boyfriend wld be eating out of my hand. wide-eyed, i listen attentively as the master began her lessons.

1. thou shall keep him waiting
whenever the boyfriend messages me, i never fail to reply within 5 mins. the nice girl in me didn't want to keep him waiting for a reply. "don't be too eager to respond to him," natalie says sternly, "if you take an hour to reply, he will be left wondering what you were busy with. it shows that you have other entertainment apart from him. it shows that maybe you aren't waiting around for him."

she asks me who puts down the phone first in a conversation. i say it's always him. i always want to talk to him and any amount of tiredness i feel disappears when i hear his voice. she is horrifed. "girl, you have to put the phone down first! mentally, it puts you in control and stirs up longing for you. do it and i guarantee he will go to bed thinking of you."

2.thou shall not get mad
whenever i get angry with him, my first instinct is to yell at him and fling accusations. during times when i feel neglected, i accuse him of losing interest. he, however, instead of arguing back, becomes very quiet. he says he is disappointed and hurt that i would think this way. it completely puts me on a defensive. instead of being angry with him, now i am the one trying to explain myself. "aha!" natalie proclaims. "excellent! see what he does? he's turning the tables on you. while you are the one looking like some drooling, bulging-eyed psycho screaming at him for smth he obviously has done wrong, he waits until you accuse him of smth, then quietly sniffs that he is wounded."

"males are born with an instinct to protect; it satisfies their egos. while nagging will just irk them, going all misty-eyed and sounding like your heart was breaking into a thousand pieces will arouse the fierce protectiveness in them. it won't hurt either if you can baby talk. so remember the best time you want your man to change a certain behavior, don't get mad. don't get even. just let your voice tremble and sound like he stabbed you thru the heart."

3.thou shall blow hot and cold
"now this move is the ultimate killer. do it properly and you will have him begging," her eyes shining from excitement as she shared her secret. "one wk, be very nice to him, establish a routine where you call and message at certain times a day. he will probably feel very smug and secure as you shower him with a lot of attention. he will get used to the routine of you contacting him at fixed periods of time and come to expect it. the second wk, stop it! it will throw him off balance. he will be glancing at his cell phone, pregnant with expectation, but nothing comes! we are creatures of habit. this will definitely confuse him. have you lost interest? have you found someone else? it keeps him guessing. it makes him want you more."

but i don't want to play mind games, i whine. "do you want him to worship you or not?" she demands, eyes blazing. i shrink back and nod mutely.

so on that very day, he messaged me at 2.17 pm. i tried to count an hour. i really did. i crossed my ankles and my fingers flutter nervously over the buttons. i force myself to count the numbers of pimples on my face, after what seemed like an eternity, i look at the screen again.

2.27 pm. 50 more min to go before i reply. my eyes roll heavenwards and i count aloud to a hundred. it does not seem like it was going to be an hour anytime soon.

finally, i cldn't take it. my fingers dance over the buttons and i hit the "send" button. 15 mins this time. at least it's an improvement over my usual 5 min. well, it was quite torturous. but then he replies. my eyes widen. he said he misses me.

i am in glee. look what 15 min did to provoke such an unusually sweet sms. now imagine if it were 90 min..

just some random thoughts that hit me today.. btw, today's qingming or tomb sweeping festival (roughly translated). a quick bg, this tradition was passed down so that people will remember to honor their ancestors. which brings up the idea of ancestral worship. right.

but it's rarely this case nowadays. i realized that this tradition is now a lot to do with face value. everyone was glancing at each other's offerings in silent comparison, as if trying to justify the type of food they bring. which is ultimately the same vegetarian food. yet, i felt like telling everyone that they are going to still burn in hell. no amt of fancy vegetarian food was going to save them. but bear with me, i'm not saying that christians are perfect beings. we're still fallen. there will be those who put on airs so they seem like "better christians". i'm just... haiz..

and these people try to outdo each other.. be it in their dressing (there were those who dressed as though they were going for a nice dinner).. or the way they prayed. some went on their knees. many left their fates in the hands of dead people. on the day christians celebrate the resurrection of our Lord, the fact that we worship a living God. i watched on as people threw coins and prayed for guidance. i wanted to pick them up and shake them. it's really obvious that people just throw the coins until they get the answers that they want to hear. it's very sad, if you realize. why are they turning away from the resurrected Messiah, the ultimate answer to every thing in the world? i'm thankful that my God is not abt probability.

and when i wanted to leave to go home and study, i got a scolding. it looked as though the time spent in the temple wld determine how gd you are. my pt wasn't abt the time spent in the temple but the time i spend on my work. tosser. what happened to sincerity? it's not measured by time but by your motives.there is no corelation to whether you kneel or not either. if you have fulfilled what you came to do, it's enough. no one compares timing. face value, i swear.

on a slightly lighter note, i had a dream abt a friend.. i was super stressed (btw, i am still super stressed. just a note here before lunch..) and this friend is just there for me, whispering words of comfort. honestly, it made me feel really nice. when my alarm woke me up, i only wanted to return to the dream. then when i remember who i was dreaming abt, i woke with a rude shock. wondering if it falls under nightmare here. i don't like this friend in a romantic sense, definitely.. i'm still for him. and i'll wait until he comes back.

i'll go over the mountain and over the sea

to find the heart that belongs to me

anywhere in the world i'll go

anywhere 'til i find you

went to the doctor again. change of medication. more pills than the last. i'm going to cry.. machiam like druggie like that. then walked to parco for some unsuccessful window shopping.. bought a pendent.. very bad i know.. ahahaha.. but what struck me was the number of couples i saw. not that it's smth out of the blue.. but i just started noticing them more today... esp after i saw one in a supposed argument earlier on.

have you ever loved someone

but you waited just too long

to tell them how you're feeling

made me think abt myself. jx says i've too long a list. rah says i've got weird taste. eng thinks my expectations are too high. ya know what? i had all that. but no more. sure sure... i do have my expectations of my ideal guy.. but what if Mr. Ideal Guy walks right up to me? what next? then i realized smth while on the bus (i seriously think too much when i'm alone..) the type of guy i'm looking for is one i will (not "can") love and loves me back.

what can i do to make you mine?

fallen so hard, so fast this time

what did i say, what did you do?

how did i fall in love with you?

and honestly, i think that goes for everyone without saying. so that wld mean that i might even end up with a christian guy who does not fulfil my "secular" expectations. yesh. i'm stressed.. i'm thinking of weird stuff.. ahahah. but my thoughts went back to the time i was at the airport alone at night, picking mommy up. since i was early, i walked to the viewing gallery, my ears plugged into my mp3 player. i can even remember the song that was playing at that time. Keith Urban's "I wanna be your everything"

i wanna be that wind that fills your sail

be that hand that lifts your veil

be that moon that moves your tide

the sun coming up in your eyes

i'll be the wheel that never rust

and be the spark that lights you up

all that you've been dreaming of and more

i wanna be your everything

Then i saw a couple. and their kid. they just looked so happy. there was really no one else save them and me in the viewing gallery. it was then i got hit by a bout of loneliness and depression for that few minutes, looking at them. had to averted my eyes to the plane that was taking off and all that was in my mind was the song and the laughter from the kid. i really think i think too much. i think my song quotes speak for it.. ahaha

Is it ok if i call you mine

just for a time

and i would be just fine

if i know that you know that i'm

wanting, needing your love

i know i'm quoting from songs all over the place.. but yar.. just that as i write this, these songs come to mind as few of the ultimate sweet "love-less" songs. and rah really thinks i need a guy. but i'm ok without one. i don't mind one but just 'cos i'm single, it doesn't mean that life doesn't go on still. heez

look for the girl with a broken smile

ask her if she wants to stay a while

and she will be loved

oh ho ho ho ho. i'm screwed. got a presentation on monday. fin. and my throat's about to give up on me. especially after my attempts at "yi du gong du" (fighting poison with poison).. samy's curry. and i didn't eat spicy curry at all.. only yellow rice, tandoori chicken, a small piece of chicken tikki and curry cabbage which is not spicy. felt so sad.. watching fred, dave and cy scoff down their mutton curry.. and the way fred waved the chicken masala away! come back, i say, come back! what a time to go samy's.

and i've been trying everything to smooth that voice box.. hot honey.. hot honey tea.. honey lemon.. pi pa gao.. strepsils.. clorets (doesn't make sense i know).. robitussin honey cough drop.. fisherman's friend.. now got bitter herbal tea. and as if to spite me, my throat convince my body to increase its temperature and my nose to drip. stupid stupid. plus my fin, corp reporting and mpw reports are due next week. what a time to fall sick! so sian.. *sniff sniff cough*

so many of my friends are going overseas on my bday.. ppl ppl.. jialat.. mich lee, wc and amy got their summer study. dave's got internship. debz, gwen, edwin, jing ting and i think sher too, all have work and travel. to have or not to have a party? and i've got enough of acjc/smu parties that don't work out. haiz.

and oh.. revelation. i've been coping without an emotional outlet.. relatively happier too. strange right? nope. it's not strange. i've come to terms that i don't need an emotional outlet. i used to need one as i put confidence in me to set my life straight. not anymore.. now that i've learnt to put all and i mean all my confidence in God. a friend once quoted phi 4:13 for me.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

words of consolation? sure. but wrong. you don't just pull one verse out of the bible to suit your situation. read 4:12 and it tells you:

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

you can be content in whatever situation you have! Christ does not give you strength to finish your work in an hour.. Christ does not give you the strength to create wealth in times of poverty. What He gives is the strength to go through each day.. to be content with what we have to use it to our best. that's the strength Christ gives. i mean, if we were to think that Christ gives us strength to do anything, none of the apostles would have been behind bars, wld they? no. instead, they were content and used every opportunity to still glorify him.

The crowd joined in the attack against Paul and Silas, and the magistrates ordered them to be stripped and beaten. After they had been severely flogged, they were thrown into prison, and the jailer was commanded to guard them carefully. Upon receiving such orders, he put them in the inner cell and fastened their feet in the stocks.

About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them. Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everybody's chains came loose. The jailer woke up, and when he saw the prison doors open, he drew his sword and was about to kill himself because he thought the prisoners had escaped. But Paul shouted, "Don't harm yourself! We are all here!" The jailer called for lights, rushed in and fell trembling before Paul and Silas. He then brought them out and asked, "Sirs, what must I do to be saved?"

They replied, "Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved-you and your household." Then they spoke the word of the Lord to him and to all the others in his house. At that hour of the night the jailer took them and washed their wounds; then immediately he and all his family were baptized. The jailer brought them into his house and set a meal before them; he was filled with joy because he had come to believe in God-he and his whole family.

Acts 16: 22-34

now how's that for words of consolation!! =] btw, anyone's got all 11 books of the utterly dreadful lemony snicket's series of unfortunate events? (side bar is updated again!)

Time Out

seriously edgy and burnt out now.. i don't know.. it's like a whole shitload of stress bundling up in me, just coursing through my body and making me very irritable. a sign to take time out to read the bible instead of doing shit? i guess.

even cutting my hair isn't working. it felt terrific (yesh, it's short again after a long time).. for the period i hung around town after my hair cut. then i told myself i had to get home to work. guess what? i'm still not in the mood to do anything. i've done what i can do for ais.. still got corp reporting and fin left. haven't even consolidated my interview with jtc to send out to my mpw mates. and i'm here blogging. the irony of it all.

and playtunes.net is not working tonight.. somehow. and it's really bleeping me out. what's bleeping? i don't know.. some word i can't think of but the best word to describe me now. bleep bleepity bleeping tired. i shld copyright the bleepings.. but anywayz, playtunes.net is not working. what does that mean? no stevie wonder. a further tosser fact is that Singapore ain't on the list of countries amazon.com sends to. how then am i to get my hands on the box set from stevie wonder? bleeping tossers. and yes, i like the word "tosser". no particular meaning but i like how it rolls off my tongue when i'm bleeping pissed. ok, bleeping is my word. i'm copyrighting it here.

but yes. no stevie wonder tonight. 'cept maybe "true to your heart" but it's got 98 degrees on it. spoils the whole feel of stevie wonder. i want the box set! (ready to throw a never seen before tantrum) and it's 11.15pm now.. estivo is closed. and i don't feel like taking more coffee or tea and alcohol's not a solution tonight. i'm whining. pissed.. very bad "me me me" blog tonight.

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." -Phi 4:12-13

i used take comfort in the words of Paul. but tonight, "doing everything" doesn't seem to be working. the sad songs aren't working tonight either. and it's really hard to find some alone time even in a 3-storey house. bleeping tosser.

the sun will rise tomorrow, come what may

and you'll feel better than you do today

and in time you'll cry no more

i know 'cos my heart's been there before

and here i am when you need someone

my shoulder's yours to cry upon

everybody, now and then,

needs an understanding friend around

So don't shut me out

- Keith Urban "Don't Shut Me Out"

i had a dream. that i was sleeping in someone's arms. and his hands were holding onto mine. yesh, attack of the "hand" dreams again. and it's funny how i would have felt uncomfortable to be in that position in reality. but he feels like the song personified. sign of my stress and the longing for that someone to give me that security from the stressed out me. give me that man and he'll never be shut out.. ever.

ok.. i apologize for the false hopes of listening to my country boy's music. the html code's different and somehow not working on the blog. oh well.. you can still watch and listen to him. http://www.musicvideocodes.com/?song=1121 .. sighz. another nice song up anyhoo.... Maroon 5's "Sunday morning". reminds me of Jack from eic singing during meeshell's bday party. who's eic? just click on band name and u'll be redirected to their homepage. interesting band.. good singing.. now if someone can get clay aiken or keith urban to perform for me on my bday...

stressed out.. by sch as usual. typical wk 9 experience. looking forward to the april retreat to rest and grow in God's word. don't know how much longer i can prolong my hair cut. too stressed already.

the extent of my stress? notably from the songs i listen to. it's the "i'm shit stressed out, don't disturb me 'cos i'm listening to my songs" type of playlist. changed some of the content of my sidebar.. thinking of creating a new template but too lazy..

anyone remember josh gracin? fourth place in AM2? i wld. he was one of my favorites 'cos he's such a country boy. anywayz, he's got a single. musicvideo.codes has it so i took the liberty of free advertisement for my country boy. go check out my video. i think he lost weight. or rather, muscle mass. haiz. anywayz, since i'm advertising, let's just go all the way yar?

smu aiesec bash. $16 for each ticket. 2 free drinks, spa voucher and $8 ralph lauren voucher. not that the ralph lauren voucher is very attractive. my 125 ml ralph lauren blue was $110 at duty free already.. nevertheless, i think the bash will be fun. besides, it's after the exams. sms me or tag me if interested yar? btw, i'm helping a friend for this.. not directly linked to it in anyway..

i'm actually glad i didn't take that lift from jeremy. i do enjoy the conversations i have with fred while walking together. it's really different from conversations i have with others.. even with other guys when we hang out one-on-one. fred's just really like that older brother whom i can look to. even with other guys, it's just as though they are like my brudders, instead of an older brother.

but he got me thinking and talking.. abt where i was going with my life.. how best to glorify the kingdom of God. i'm just really confused now.. still need to think more about issues 'cos i guess i didn't really consider a lot of things actually. i just... haiz. let's just say for now, i dead thankful that we're justified by faith and not works.

SMU = ACJC?

don't ask me why.. but seems like a lot of guys from ACJC '02 are coming over to join the crowd at SMU. ahahaha.. ppl like kong, sonny, lemuel, lloyd, steve, james, yingwei, jian hong, liong koon, biao da, david... even poh, my cousin, is coming over. oh yes or oh no? gosh.. with so many of them.. it's practically a party at SMU now. AC unite. ahaha. reminds me of the first meeting i had in ACJC with all the mg girls.. all because an announcement was made in the morning for the mg girls to meet at the beeches. anyone else remember that embarrassingly exclusive announcement? i can't even remember what that was said to us...