Singing glory, honor, wisdom, power
To the Lamb upon the throne
Hallelujah I will sing
With every breath that I am given
I will sing salvation's song
And I'll join the chorus of creation
Giving praise to Christ alone
Today we saw in church the beauty of a marriage in God's world. About how He uses it to show us His unending love.
Today I prayed for a man left broken and completely anguished by his impending divorce from his wife of 16 years.
Today I cried for a stranger who decided that perhaps, just perhaps, this God who loved love so much would heal his brokenness and help him through this time by providing strangers who wanted to pray for him and be his friend.
Today I witnessed the beauty of God in a man's life despite the anguish man can cause.
Truly, with every breath I am given, I want to sing salvation's song.
Monday, August 08, 2016
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
what I tend to think of as funny, or amusing, or certain expressions I have may be similar to how people are feeling inside. but it doesn't mean it's alright. that sigh. that wince. that grin. that slightly exasperated amusement.
it's not alright. even if the person says he or she is not affected. even if the person brushes it off. it's not alright.
I was once on the receiving end and I should really be the last person to be doing it to others. it is not right.
learning to school my expressions and to be a better support to the building of the church. to be a better steward and fellow shepherdess. to be a better assistant. to be a better maid.
God, help me with my sin, especially so I won't hurt others the way I was hurt before.
it's not alright. even if the person says he or she is not affected. even if the person brushes it off. it's not alright.
I was once on the receiving end and I should really be the last person to be doing it to others. it is not right.
learning to school my expressions and to be a better support to the building of the church. to be a better steward and fellow shepherdess. to be a better assistant. to be a better maid.
God, help me with my sin, especially so I won't hurt others the way I was hurt before.
"Date a girl who travels", they say.. "date someone who wants to see the world", they blog.
what they don't add to it is if you don't want to travel and you're just going to make use of her/him, don't date a traveler.
don't make use of their love for wanting to know more about the world to enrich your own knowledge. don't make use of their adventurous spirit and live vicariously through them. don't leech on them and expect to grow.
and definitely don't stand in their way of traveling, esp when they want to do it without you.
because I swear, stand in my way of my Europe trip and be prepared to incur my wrath. Norway, Denmark, Germany, Sweden, and Switzerland, please wait for me!
what they don't add to it is if you don't want to travel and you're just going to make use of her/him, don't date a traveler.
don't make use of their love for wanting to know more about the world to enrich your own knowledge. don't make use of their adventurous spirit and live vicariously through them. don't leech on them and expect to grow.
and definitely don't stand in their way of traveling, esp when they want to do it without you.
because I swear, stand in my way of my Europe trip and be prepared to incur my wrath. Norway, Denmark, Germany, Sweden, and Switzerland, please wait for me!
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Things I've heard often from strangers who've met me for the first time or second time are usually in the line of:
"I can't tell that you stay in a bungalow. you seem like a HDB kid."
"You don't look like the type to experiment with your hair. You look like the type to have long dark hair all your life."
"I can't tell that you're a dragonboater."
"You don't look like you can finish a whole fried chicken." (weird back story to this convo. but I don't think I can do more than 5 KFC pieces now.)
"You read Dragonlance??"
"You have had only one bf???"
"What do you mean you're an introvert????"
So I tend to surprise people who've just met me. But something (or things) that I've had said to me by complete strangers or people I've met once or twice in public settings outside church strike me most:
"You are a Christian, aren't you?"
"So which church do you go to?" (By complete strangers after a few minutes of conversing.)
Most of the time, these are people who don't even know my name. Don't know my background. Don't know my history. But they look at me and the question comes up in our conversations.
And the first thing that usually springs to mind after the question is my quick prayer of, "Thank you for choosing me."
During this time of rest, I've seen more of His goodness. During this time of need, I've had the opportunity to not be distracted from His grace and constant work in my life. I've seen the power of prayer and the joy of Christian brothers and sisters. I've seen His flawless work in the most unassuming moments of my life. I've seen His awesome, faithful, just, and loving character with the amount of time I've been able to commit to His word.
I've been treated to the biggest miracle of knowing that God's picked me, the worthless wretched sinner who deserved no love.
And He doesn't stop. In the busyness of life when He continues to work out His plans for the world, He remembers little insignificant me and reminds me that I'm in His plan. He gently reminds me that He cares. He lets me know that He's in control. that He's called me to be His and nothing else matters at all.
So I will keep on fighting for Him. I will keep on striving for Him. not for glory or power or higher salary or promotions or big titles or worldly achievements. But I will keep fighting to make Him known in my actions, works, deeds, and speech. Not easy. But I will keep fighting for Him.
"I can't tell that you stay in a bungalow. you seem like a HDB kid."
"You don't look like the type to experiment with your hair. You look like the type to have long dark hair all your life."
"I can't tell that you're a dragonboater."
"You don't look like you can finish a whole fried chicken." (weird back story to this convo. but I don't think I can do more than 5 KFC pieces now.)
"You read Dragonlance??"
"You have had only one bf???"
"What do you mean you're an introvert????"
So I tend to surprise people who've just met me. But something (or things) that I've had said to me by complete strangers or people I've met once or twice in public settings outside church strike me most:
"You are a Christian, aren't you?"
"So which church do you go to?" (By complete strangers after a few minutes of conversing.)
Most of the time, these are people who don't even know my name. Don't know my background. Don't know my history. But they look at me and the question comes up in our conversations.
And the first thing that usually springs to mind after the question is my quick prayer of, "Thank you for choosing me."
During this time of rest, I've seen more of His goodness. During this time of need, I've had the opportunity to not be distracted from His grace and constant work in my life. I've seen the power of prayer and the joy of Christian brothers and sisters. I've seen His flawless work in the most unassuming moments of my life. I've seen His awesome, faithful, just, and loving character with the amount of time I've been able to commit to His word.
I've been treated to the biggest miracle of knowing that God's picked me, the worthless wretched sinner who deserved no love.
And He doesn't stop. In the busyness of life when He continues to work out His plans for the world, He remembers little insignificant me and reminds me that I'm in His plan. He gently reminds me that He cares. He lets me know that He's in control. that He's called me to be His and nothing else matters at all.
So I will keep on fighting for Him. I will keep on striving for Him. not for glory or power or higher salary or promotions or big titles or worldly achievements. But I will keep fighting to make Him known in my actions, works, deeds, and speech. Not easy. But I will keep fighting for Him.
Sunday, July 10, 2016
during my recent session, L looked at me with a whimsical smile before she started.
"You look tired. like you slept too late. but you look brighter. happier. as if the burden has never been there on your shoulders. and you've been off your meds for almost 2 months. does this mean you no longer need to see me and I'll start missing you?"
that session was probably one of the lightest I've had since I told her I was quitting. that pure joy on her face when she told me that she was glad she didn't have to tell me to quit made me realize that people did think me worth caring about. despite my many attempts to tell her that she never heard the other side of the story, L was always there with a comforting phrase of, "No matter how bad a person is, a Christian would never give up on them."
and she never gave up on me.
when she asked me what the biggest motivator and best medication I had to deal with my depression, I smiled with a soft sigh and told her it was God. I didn't even need to tell her that God had provided her or that He had provided friends and loved ones in his wisdom and perfect timing. But the brilliant grateful smile that she had on her face said it all.
I think I've been so incredibly blessed. that since 2 years ago when the odd crying spells and worsening insomnia happened.. when the anxiety attacks that would leave me breathless and throwing up nearly every day since the mid of 2015 started... and all I did was to pray. I never told anyone the full extent of how bad it was. I didn't dare to tell anyone how bad it was. because I was just blaming me and praying for God to resolve my heart.
then God gave me that fateful text message from H the day after I had another suffocating anxiety attack in the middle of the night. He gave me the desperation to cry for help. He gave me a dear sister in G who had gone through even worse times to talk to me about seeking help. He gave me a mother with incredible contacts. He gave me L who wasn't just a psychologist but also a Christian.
I'm grateful that I never got to that state of "I didn't realize God was all I needed until He was all I had.".
I'm grateful that in little small ways, He's shown much love, care, mercy, and graciousness towards me. That He doesn't look at my offerings to the church financially and pastorally. That He doesn't look at my career achievements or popularity. That He doesn't look at the number of fb posts I make about it or Christian articles I share and the number of times I teach in church or serve or my contribution to the ministry.
But God's been so good simply because He has chosen such a fallen and wretched sinner like me to cling to the cross crying for forgiveness and doing all things in response to my salvation. He's been so good that I find my confidence not in my job progression, fb likes, social media following, applaud of colleagues or friends, cg leading, or silent behind-the-scenes ministerial work... but He's been so gracious that I find my confidence in His unfailing character and pure faithfulness to His promises.
and not just my confidence in my salvation but my confidence in myself. that I'm not first and foremost a Christian... but simply that I am a Christian.
because of it, I find myself more willing to share about my vulnerabilities... my depression.. and my cure and salvation in God alone whose merciful and gracious providence has been nothing more than a miracle in my life.
I still have questions. I still have queries about how the human brain and emotions work and how it co-exists in the realm of God. S has promised to give me the pointers of his psychological research and sit with me to talk about it. But that's really just a bonus to everything God has done and provided for me. And I honestly couldn't been happier.
"You look tired. like you slept too late. but you look brighter. happier. as if the burden has never been there on your shoulders. and you've been off your meds for almost 2 months. does this mean you no longer need to see me and I'll start missing you?"
that session was probably one of the lightest I've had since I told her I was quitting. that pure joy on her face when she told me that she was glad she didn't have to tell me to quit made me realize that people did think me worth caring about. despite my many attempts to tell her that she never heard the other side of the story, L was always there with a comforting phrase of, "No matter how bad a person is, a Christian would never give up on them."
and she never gave up on me.
when she asked me what the biggest motivator and best medication I had to deal with my depression, I smiled with a soft sigh and told her it was God. I didn't even need to tell her that God had provided her or that He had provided friends and loved ones in his wisdom and perfect timing. But the brilliant grateful smile that she had on her face said it all.
I think I've been so incredibly blessed. that since 2 years ago when the odd crying spells and worsening insomnia happened.. when the anxiety attacks that would leave me breathless and throwing up nearly every day since the mid of 2015 started... and all I did was to pray. I never told anyone the full extent of how bad it was. I didn't dare to tell anyone how bad it was. because I was just blaming me and praying for God to resolve my heart.
then God gave me that fateful text message from H the day after I had another suffocating anxiety attack in the middle of the night. He gave me the desperation to cry for help. He gave me a dear sister in G who had gone through even worse times to talk to me about seeking help. He gave me a mother with incredible contacts. He gave me L who wasn't just a psychologist but also a Christian.
I'm grateful that I never got to that state of "I didn't realize God was all I needed until He was all I had.".
I'm grateful that in little small ways, He's shown much love, care, mercy, and graciousness towards me. That He doesn't look at my offerings to the church financially and pastorally. That He doesn't look at my career achievements or popularity. That He doesn't look at the number of fb posts I make about it or Christian articles I share and the number of times I teach in church or serve or my contribution to the ministry.
But God's been so good simply because He has chosen such a fallen and wretched sinner like me to cling to the cross crying for forgiveness and doing all things in response to my salvation. He's been so good that I find my confidence not in my job progression, fb likes, social media following, applaud of colleagues or friends, cg leading, or silent behind-the-scenes ministerial work... but He's been so gracious that I find my confidence in His unfailing character and pure faithfulness to His promises.
and not just my confidence in my salvation but my confidence in myself. that I'm not first and foremost a Christian... but simply that I am a Christian.
because of it, I find myself more willing to share about my vulnerabilities... my depression.. and my cure and salvation in God alone whose merciful and gracious providence has been nothing more than a miracle in my life.
I still have questions. I still have queries about how the human brain and emotions work and how it co-exists in the realm of God. S has promised to give me the pointers of his psychological research and sit with me to talk about it. But that's really just a bonus to everything God has done and provided for me. And I honestly couldn't been happier.
Saturday, June 25, 2016
I have learnt that when people have wronged you or accused you of things that you didn't do, attempts to correct them will be seen as you being defensive and "always need to be right". Even more so when they have been proven wrong.
Still, I'm learning to school my heart and mind. To know when to hold my tongue. To let things go. To learn that these moments if taken personally only serve weaken me and back down that slippery slope of despair, dejection, and undoing of L's hard work. Instead, I am learning to remember the good things to not discredit the person's intent and realise that bad scenarios aren't always representative of the real relationship.
And if needed, just pop a sleeping pill to shut the active mind and finally get rest.
Got to keep on keeping on.
Still, I'm learning to school my heart and mind. To know when to hold my tongue. To let things go. To learn that these moments if taken personally only serve weaken me and back down that slippery slope of despair, dejection, and undoing of L's hard work. Instead, I am learning to remember the good things to not discredit the person's intent and realise that bad scenarios aren't always representative of the real relationship.
And if needed, just pop a sleeping pill to shut the active mind and finally get rest.
Got to keep on keeping on.
Saturday, June 18, 2016
First church camp and so many thoughts...
Why do I do the things I do? To look good for men? To boost my ego? Why do I try to please others? To be favored? To be seen as good in their eyes and gain the approval of others? Why do I work? Why do I play? To find pride in my own works?
Worse of all, do I use God's commands the way the Pharisees do... To elevate myself on a pedestal when I do them well and attain favor of others and my own pride? Do I lie to myself and come up with excuses to vindicate myself? Excuses that are so normal in the eyes of the world but go against the merciful, gracious, loving, just God?
I reflected and thanked God for His hand in all things that I haven't taken anyone down. That I have been honestly happy for others, even those people expect me to badmouth. That I have not thought mean things of those that people tell me they deserve.
But D issued a stronger challenge. That it wasn't enough to be rejoice and weep with those we don't want to do those things with. But even more, we had to correct and rebuke in love because that's what loving Christians do for other Christians. He then told the congregation that he hatec rebuking us but that was how the Bible taught us to love. To rebuke, correct, and encourage with Scriptures.
But when relationships go sour... How do you fix something others don't want fixing? How do you correct and rebuke when the other person thinks he/she was right and had never erred or done wrong to you... That their behavoir to you was warranted because of your own awful attitude? How do you take that first step to tell them that they hurt you and were the reasons for your anxiety attacks and dread of the working environment?
Praying. Praying so hard for peace in these matters.
Yet at the same time, I found myself being incredibly grateful for deepening of friendships during the camp, and new ones formed... Of sincere younger friends who remember little things about me that I don't even expect close friends to remember... Of these new younger friends who look at me as if I need protecting and looking out for, not because of anything I have said to them, but simply because they think that's what Christians should do.
In trials, God is good. In much joy and happiness, God is merciful. To look upon such a wretched sinner such as me and call me home to His kingdom where I am no longer lost.
Praying.. Still praying..
Why do I do the things I do? To look good for men? To boost my ego? Why do I try to please others? To be favored? To be seen as good in their eyes and gain the approval of others? Why do I work? Why do I play? To find pride in my own works?
Worse of all, do I use God's commands the way the Pharisees do... To elevate myself on a pedestal when I do them well and attain favor of others and my own pride? Do I lie to myself and come up with excuses to vindicate myself? Excuses that are so normal in the eyes of the world but go against the merciful, gracious, loving, just God?
I reflected and thanked God for His hand in all things that I haven't taken anyone down. That I have been honestly happy for others, even those people expect me to badmouth. That I have not thought mean things of those that people tell me they deserve.
But D issued a stronger challenge. That it wasn't enough to be rejoice and weep with those we don't want to do those things with. But even more, we had to correct and rebuke in love because that's what loving Christians do for other Christians. He then told the congregation that he hatec rebuking us but that was how the Bible taught us to love. To rebuke, correct, and encourage with Scriptures.
But when relationships go sour... How do you fix something others don't want fixing? How do you correct and rebuke when the other person thinks he/she was right and had never erred or done wrong to you... That their behavoir to you was warranted because of your own awful attitude? How do you take that first step to tell them that they hurt you and were the reasons for your anxiety attacks and dread of the working environment?
Praying. Praying so hard for peace in these matters.
Yet at the same time, I found myself being incredibly grateful for deepening of friendships during the camp, and new ones formed... Of sincere younger friends who remember little things about me that I don't even expect close friends to remember... Of these new younger friends who look at me as if I need protecting and looking out for, not because of anything I have said to them, but simply because they think that's what Christians should do.
In trials, God is good. In much joy and happiness, God is merciful. To look upon such a wretched sinner such as me and call me home to His kingdom where I am no longer lost.
Praying.. Still praying..
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
I dreamt about you again.
You and your charming smile. You and your warm and ready hugs. You and your comforting hand that tightens around mine.
The difference in this dream is that I ran. I ran and avoided and hid from you. Because I didn't want you to care for me.
Then when I realized that you had given up on your chase for me, I stopped and I cried. When I woke up, the dull ache stayed in my chest and I wondered what you were doing.
Then later in the day, you reminded me that you were still around. And I felt immensely comforted by you and disappointed by myself.
Just need to keep praying. Need to keep trusting.
You and your charming smile. You and your warm and ready hugs. You and your comforting hand that tightens around mine.
The difference in this dream is that I ran. I ran and avoided and hid from you. Because I didn't want you to care for me.
Then when I realized that you had given up on your chase for me, I stopped and I cried. When I woke up, the dull ache stayed in my chest and I wondered what you were doing.
Then later in the day, you reminded me that you were still around. And I felt immensely comforted by you and disappointed by myself.
Just need to keep praying. Need to keep trusting.
Friday, May 13, 2016
so many questions left unanswered. and i don't really care if they get answered. but so many questions...
if you knew all I was going through, why didn't you talk to me? why didn't you care?
if you knew I was going to the doctor's, why do you never ask how it went? why didn't you care?
after I came clean, why didn't you ask me how you could help? why did you assume you knew what my triggers were? why didn't you care?
you told me to change. I tried but you didn't change. no response. no feedback. you never changed. why didn't you care?
This is me no longer being a liability to anyone but myself. This is me relieving everyone else from pretending to care about me. it must have been hard... having to deal with me being around. This is me doing what I should have done a long time ago, sparing everyone else from me.
I still hear the voices once in a while. telling me that i'm not worth their time. telling me that i'm a goddamn awful fuck up who is better off gone and not in people's lives. I still hear the loud berating voices that tell me to spare the world of my existence. that their jokes of them being better off without me aren't jokes at all. I still hear the voices asking me why I think that people's hurtful words are reflective of their character and not of mine. I hear them screaming at me, telling me that I'm not worth caring about. I can still feel my breath shortening. I can still feel my hands shaking and my mind getting muddled up again. i can feel the weight of defeat sitting strong on my shoulders.
and then I hear that little voice that murmurs, "those voices in your head are not lying, you know."
and that little voice just undermines everything L tried so hard to convince me otherwise of. murmurs of my conscience or of the devil? or are they the same thing because I'm just that rotten?
yet, there are those who insist on being around me. who insist on holding my shaking hands. who insist on hugging me when i'm trembling and suffering from yet another anxiety attack. who pray so hard for me. who keep telling me that i'm not a burden. who keep trying to talk over the voices in my head. who keep telling me that people's words and actions aren't only a reflection of my imperfections but of their characters, be it unforgiving or unkind or just plain toxic.
there are those who hold me close and try to cover my eyes and ears to protect me because they think I'm worth saving.
That said, I am not bitter. I have no regrets.
I can't tell people to stay by my side or to leave me. or at least I can't force them to do what they do not want to do.
But I can do is to start to get better. I need to recover. to heal. I need to spare those who choose to still be around me. that I will stop being a burden to those who have not left me. I need to remember that a flawless work record and credentials aren't important but learning and growing and being a friend, a carer, is important.
I just need time. that's all I'm asking for. some time in my cave built with books and beer. just some time.
I still hear the voices once in a while. telling me that i'm not worth their time. telling me that i'm a goddamn awful fuck up who is better off gone and not in people's lives. I still hear the loud berating voices that tell me to spare the world of my existence. that their jokes of them being better off without me aren't jokes at all. I still hear the voices asking me why I think that people's hurtful words are reflective of their character and not of mine. I hear them screaming at me, telling me that I'm not worth caring about. I can still feel my breath shortening. I can still feel my hands shaking and my mind getting muddled up again. i can feel the weight of defeat sitting strong on my shoulders.
and then I hear that little voice that murmurs, "those voices in your head are not lying, you know."
and that little voice just undermines everything L tried so hard to convince me otherwise of. murmurs of my conscience or of the devil? or are they the same thing because I'm just that rotten?
yet, there are those who insist on being around me. who insist on holding my shaking hands. who insist on hugging me when i'm trembling and suffering from yet another anxiety attack. who pray so hard for me. who keep telling me that i'm not a burden. who keep trying to talk over the voices in my head. who keep telling me that people's words and actions aren't only a reflection of my imperfections but of their characters, be it unforgiving or unkind or just plain toxic.
there are those who hold me close and try to cover my eyes and ears to protect me because they think I'm worth saving.
That said, I am not bitter. I have no regrets.
I can't tell people to stay by my side or to leave me. or at least I can't force them to do what they do not want to do.
But I can do is to start to get better. I need to recover. to heal. I need to spare those who choose to still be around me. that I will stop being a burden to those who have not left me. I need to remember that a flawless work record and credentials aren't important but learning and growing and being a friend, a carer, is important.
I just need time. that's all I'm asking for. some time in my cave built with books and beer. just some time.
Sunday, May 08, 2016
I saw somewhere that talked about the number of time "do not be afraid" appeared in the bible. so I went to check it out myself.
and biblegateway.com tells me that it appears 42 times in the ESV.
amazing isn't it. that I have a God who tells me to not be afraid because He's in control.
then I checked another word. "Rejoice"
and it's found 202 times in the ESV.
that in every victory, in every celebration, in every thing that is filled in joy, happiness, and all things good.
and also that in every trial, in every tribulation, in every event that is filled with sorrow, tears, anxiety attacks, darkness, and all things bad...
I rejoice because I'm His. not because I'm successful by the world's standards. not because i'm well-liked. not because I'm married or single or engaged or whatever.
I rejoice because He's made me His. so rejoice.
and biblegateway.com tells me that it appears 42 times in the ESV.
amazing isn't it. that I have a God who tells me to not be afraid because He's in control.
then I checked another word. "Rejoice"
and it's found 202 times in the ESV.
that in every victory, in every celebration, in every thing that is filled in joy, happiness, and all things good.
and also that in every trial, in every tribulation, in every event that is filled with sorrow, tears, anxiety attacks, darkness, and all things bad...
I rejoice because I'm His. not because I'm successful by the world's standards. not because i'm well-liked. not because I'm married or single or engaged or whatever.
I rejoice because He's made me His. so rejoice.
Saturday, April 30, 2016
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